Grew up in a home where I didn't get much love/affection and I 'fled' perhaps, by dating only one serious boyfriend from age 16 - 26 (can you say LOSER?) who permitted me to sneak out at night to see him midnight til 2am at 16, who isolated me--alienated my friends, ran off other guys I was interested in in college and pretty much only ever spent time with me for sex. Had no outside activities and in a lot of ways I never grew up but I found the strength to break up w/ him and 'found' myself (so I thought) by volunteer firefighting. I loved it, worked hard, got strong, enjoyed the comradery (so I thought). I started dating one of the guys and had a really great relationship, we went places, did interesting things, intimacy went slowly but we eventually got sexually involved. I was for 1st time 'in love' (wheras old boyfriend I would say I was 'in need' and I was never phys attracted to him. This ended when he started dating someone else (and neglected to tell me--continued having sex with me but the outside interests waned. Eventually I found out as soon as I left his bed his new girlfriend was coming over and we weren't in public anymore so she wouldn't 'catch' him as he'd told HER he'd broken up with me.) I was naive. I tried a few times to seduce him to come back to me--real stupid on my part, humiliating as I look back on it. But what happened next is what my question is about:

his roommate met me in grocery store one day and asked me to come over and hang out. I thought (NAIVE) as a friend, as he and I were both firefighters. He gave me wine (I'd never had it before--sheltered life up until 26!!) and we ended up having sex. I didn't say no, but I didn't want to have sex with someone I wasn't dating, still I felt overwhelming sadness and loss and need at losing his roommate whom I had loved. I(n retrospect it think the guy I'd dated had told him stories that I was easily manipulated. Later I was drinking in bar with the old flame and another guy (who was married) present and they suddenly wanted to go skinny dipping. I'd never done it, so stopped at home to get my swimsuit and met them at the river. I'd hoped something would happen with my old flame. Turned out the married guy ended up standing in front of me for oral as my 'flame' looked on. I was crying as I obliged (I feel like I didn't say 'no' because my 1st 10-yr boyfriend had already treated me shamefully and secretly for so long I was used to it. and I desperately wanted the old flame to want me a nd thought me doing his friend would somehow get that. (naive was my middle name) After that it turned out I had an 2 old guys, one junior, and two other supposed comrades at the firehouse try to come after me, either by inappropriately coming to my apartment and inviting themselves in or by grabbing me at the station or one guy gae me a ride home and then turned to try to kiss me. None of those advances did I welcome, and I started to realize evidently I was the firehouse slut. Still, when I was in it, I didn't see it. I simply thought they guys were acting weird. I still has longing for the old flame and I visited his apartment one afternoon and seduced him again, got him into bed (even tho I knew he didn't want me, I really loved him and wanted one more time with him. while doing oral on him, tho, his roommate came up behind me and had intercourse. I was crying and crying but never said a word or made a sound. I was petrified. It woke me up, though, I stopped firefighting, had nothing to do with t he old flame or any of the guys I had once called my friends.

It's more than 10 years later and all this still haunts me enough to qualify as post traumatic stress. I get a sound or image and shake and cry uncontrollably. I think I'm to blame all over the place but yet I think too, none of these guys seemed in control or doing the honorable thing. I'm far away, married, etc. now but this is hounding me. Should I think it was me and my bad choices or should I blame the guys. And what are they guilty of? Should I confront them? I'm strong enough now and feel no need to hide anything I don't want monsters living in the dark And I wonder if any other young women have met that same fate at the firehouses. Almost all the same guys are still there. I'd like input, too, if anyone sees a trend in firehouses w/ young women. I'd like an expose news story

Syujin

It almost sounds to me like an exact form of rape because most cases blame themselves for what happened, the women or men who are raped often carry guilt with them for the rest of there lives either thinking that they just werent strong enough or just werent worth it. My advice just try to forget it, talk to someone about it let the emotions go and eventually you will be able to go on with your life. Counsellors are great for this or your husband if he already knows. just let the tears come out and the skeletons will vanish.

Syujin

bigdreamer85

i think you need to sell this story to Lifetime for a movie... and if you ever see any of them men again, kick them in the balls. that should help a little

Xrayman

you have PTSD (flashbacks) you were a victim wheter you said no or otherwise, you were in various predicaments that clouded your judgement, both chemically (drunk) as well as psychologically.

It's great that you are out of that horrible situation now, but I believe you may need someone to talk to face to face, even here is good as many of us have had similar experiences.

I believe that you are at least confronting and understanding where your feelings arise from since the abuse. Good for you!

best wishes to you,

Xrayman

simonehitchings

We all do things we regret when we are growing up, I get flash backs as well to some horrible people i had sex with, Im married now to and very very happy.
As hard as it may be you have to be positive, love yourself, be confident and forget as much as you can about those idiots. definitely dont contact them they will only upset you all over again they wont apologize thats for sure.
Be happy each day, that will get them back, cause to treat you like that they are obviously very unhappy men.
Be happy and forget, if you cant go and talk to someone.

smoothy

There are plenty of women who will take advantage of a guy, just as there are guys that will take advantage of a woman.

Key here is you have it in your power to say no. If you don't use that power and willingly participate in something you later regret then its your fault not theirs. Everyone here I am sure has done at LEAST one thing they later regretted....I know I have. You say "well that was a bad idea, I won't do that again".

What you do is treat it as a learning experience, suck it up and let it help you make better choices later in life.

Its only rape or abuse if you didn't indicate before or during the act you didn't want to participate....or if you were drugged and not awake or lucid enough to express that opinion.

Best thing to do is let it go. Move forward, and let that experience make you a better person in the future. We can't change what was....but we can change what might be.

godsbabygirl267

Hey hun, Just a bit of input, my stepdad is a firefighter in tennessee and from my idea, this is NOT normal behavior. THey had No right to take advantage of you like that and i would call it uninterfered rape although since you did not say 'no' and it is past 7 yrs later then you cant press charges. I know skeletons can be hard but think of allyou have, a husband, life and a past. we all have a past and it does nothing except make you stronger so do your best to forget those jerks who did the wrong thing and do your best to move on with your life and try hard not to let it bother you. THose guys were idoits and it sounds like thtey just used you to get the 'ultimate fix' none of the guys i know from the fire hall are like that so id say it was just ta bunch of dummies and to not let it bother you.

Jennifer Purdy

I would not use the word "mistakes" here to describe what has happened in most of the situations you described. And I'm astounded and dismayed at the amount of blame that has been slung your way. The fact is that you were sexually harassed several times in your workplace. You were also sexually assaulted or raped on at least two if not more occasions, by my reading of your account.
If you have a rape crisis centre or sexual assault support centre in your area, you may want to check these out, especially if you don't have the resources for counselling. But... do not blame yourself, and honour yourself by not calling them mistakes, as that word connotes blame.