wife has little interest in sex but also doesnt discuss it

A very large group of women do not like "oral" sex, yes guys will not believe it, but they will do it to a guy but not want a guy to do it to them. You should respect how she does or does not want sex.

Do you ever try to talk about it, when you are not in bed ?

Also always wake the kids ? do you shout and yell, ? sorry parents have been having sex inthe other room for 1000 years.

It is time for a counselor, not because of the lack of sex, but because of the lack of ability to talk about it.

Thanks, Fr Chuck.

To address your points:

If she doesn't like oral, fine, she needs to say it and tell me what she does like. Granted, she won't do it to me, either.

We haven't tried much to talk outside of the bedroom since the kids are always around otherwise. I guess I could try when sex is definitely not happening that night for whatever reason.

WE don't wake the kids. We have a 9 month old and it seems like Murphy's Law that he wakes up crying EVERY TIME WE TRY lately. It's just bad luck.

I posted this in the Relationships board but this might be a better place for it.

My wife and I have a good relationship over all. When we first started chatting online she was flirty and joked about sex a lot, but when we actually HAD sex, it was OK, not wild or crazy, but OK. She did do a little oral (both giving and recieving) at first, and I am pretty sure even then I never got her off, but she never let me do it for very long, she always just asked me to go inside her and have intercourse. I figured she would open up as she trusted me more but the opposite has been true. Any time I wanted to talk "ABOUT" sex, she never seemed to want to go into detail as far as what we did, how we did it, what gets her off, etc.

Once we got married in 2007, she stopped doing anything but missionary but at least we still did it a few times a week. She started around this time also not letting me go down on her at all, in fact she would hold her legs together, still smiling the whole time, but as if she was just not willing to let me go down there. We have 2 kids now and the frequency of sex is maybe once every 6 weeks, and when we try a kid almost always wakes up crying. That part I get, the mood isnt there and is a contributing factor, but since she has always been somewhat like this, theres something else going on.

Even if I try to finger her a bit she does the same thing. When I ask her about it she just doesnt respond or changes the subject, or says she is tired, etc. This is definitely possible with having 2 kids these days but even before kids she was like this. It has just gotten worse though.

I admit I dont last that long, but I last a LOT longer with her on top, up to 15 - 20 minutes, yet, she refuses to get on top, she only wants to do missionary, which is the position I climax the fastest in, usually just a few minutes. She never complains but never wants to change positions. When I ask she says "oh its fine" and that's the end of it.

I cannot believe she is actually satisfied with our sex life so I have a few ideas:

1. She only has sex to keep me happy and has no real desire, therefore not having an orgasm is no big deal, and she IS satisfied as a result.

2. She never has had an orgasm with anyone and is embarrased, and/or has never been creative enough to try other methods to get off.

3. She has had an orgasm with other guys but not me and is afraid to tell me.

4. She is overweight as am I - perhaps uncomfortable with her body, but I think she is beautiful and sexy, and I tell her that often.

5. She has been taught that sex is dirty. Her parents arent the Victorian type but maybe that was ingrained in her.

6. For the oral thing maybe she is worried she smells bad or tastes bad (she doesnt). She has only done it to me a couple times and while I would love for her to do it again, if I can handle the other stuff we can revisit that later on. If she truly dislikes recieving oral she should just say so and explain why, and what instead I can do to get her to orgasm.

We have been married 5 years so we should be beyond this point, and I do truly love her and have no intention of leaving her, it's nothing like that! I just really want her to enjoy sex too and I get the impression that she doesn't.

How do I get her to communicate? My only thought was to start off maybe trying to set the mood better - go the extra mile with housework, take the kids and let her go to bed early, surprise her with a date night, etc, just to set the overall mood. THEN see if she is ANY more responsive than she has been.

Next step, but I dont know the best way to flat out say: "I know I am not getting you off and want to try to make it better for you." Is it too blunt to say something like "baby, I just want to ask you something. I want to make sure that when we have sex, it's as good for you as it is for me, so, can you tell me something? Have you ever had an orgasm with me? I don't think you have, and want to see if I can change that."

I've tried starting such conversations before, and she doesn't really answer it, she just says "it's fine honey" and seems uncomfortable.

I dont think its an issue of her not wanting me around anymore, I do participate in child care and housework, etc, although it seems nothing gets done.

I think there are 2 issues - she isn't that sexual to start with but also its hard to be in the mood with kids, work, chores, etc. That part I get, and I plan to do mroe to make sure she feels appreciated, although I do a lot already - I help wtih the kids, the house, etc.

It's more the fact that she was never all that into it, and her lack of willingness to discuss it that bothers me. If she doesnt want to tell me what is going on I will just make assumptions and those are probably worse than the truth!

Frequency wise, sure, I'd love to have it a few times a week but that's less important than me getting to the bottom of where she stands on things, her wants, her needs, her desires, even if she has little to none, because at least there will be a point of understanding. Right now, all I have are my assumptions.

It could be me that is the problem, but I wont know if she wont tell me. Plus other women I was with I had no issue bringing to orgasm one way or another.

What should I do?

I hope I haven't been too graphic here but I want to make my point.

I just wrote a lengthy answer, tried to post it - poof! The thread had been moved.

Here's the shorter version. You can't make anybody do anything they don't want to do and that includes enjoying sex. Any friend of mine who has ever commented about not liking certain positions has stated it's a weight issue - "on top" she's at an unflattering angle, same with oral.

She presumably sees her OB/GYN once a year (or more). That's the person she should be asking - but how you ask her to do so remains a problem.

Was the sex in the beginning a "front" because you weren't married and she was trying to remain in the relationship, afraid you'd leave if she refused?

Has she ever been sexually assaulted? I was the adult victim of rape, and I do - on occasion - have flashbacks.

I'm not aware that she has been a victim of assault. She has had issues with depression before.

I'm not sure the sex was a front or not. We were long-distance and saw each other about once every week or two, so we ripped each others' clothes off and she initiated at times as well, I think the distance built the tension, plus, all the excitement of a new relationship and all.

That part I get - I know that after a while it won't be as often as it was before. It's not even the frequency, its the attitude.

The one part of her BRAIN (not body) I can't get into is her sexual part. What does she desire? What does she like and not like? Am I missing something?

Even if it's just that she doesn't enjoy it, fine. TELL ME!! And, is it something completely unfixable? I can live with that if that must be, I might go through a lot of lotion but hey.

I wonder if its a combination of not enjoying it much + being embarrased to explore her body/mind more. Meaning, she may never have had an orgasm, because she's been to embarrassed or inhibited to try what is necessary to get there. There is as much a chance of that as having no drive at all, which I realize there are a few people out there for whom that is true.

This is a woman with a professional job, highly intelligent and educated, and outspoken on issues like politics, news, etc, but she can't talk about sex! What gives?

Your wife actually sounds a lot like me. I've had this problem with guys in the past, and I believe it to be the major reason I don't stay in a relationship for very long. In my case, a lot of the issue is the fact that 1) I've never had an orgasm myself, no matter who I've been with; and 2) Guys seem to take a really long time to orgasm. I enjoy sex--I even enjoy oral--but not for any length of time--not for nearly as long as it takes a guy to come. So I guess that if I knew of a sure fire way to bring a guy off quick, I'd be lapping that up, too. It would make me feel like less of a failure than if I either can't bring him off or am bored with it halfway though, and since I can't get off for whatever reason, it's a win-win because I don't have to deal with my own issues. And I've never been able to talk to my partner about it, either. Who really wants to say to their spouse, "Honey, I want you to be sexually satisfied, but hurry up and get it over with!" ?

I don't think there's much of a connection between being highly intelligent and educated, outspoken, and professional and expressing yourself sexually.

And, again - ask her. Have you told her that you feel frustrated (or whatever you feel) without being accusatory?

She has 2 small children and works full time?

Yes we have 2 kids and both work. In fact she makes CONSIDERABLY more money than me, so she's the primary breadwinner at the moment. I do think (and she confirms) that I do a fair share of things around the house, although, admittedly, we BOTH seem to fail at keeping things under control as far as laundry, cleaning etc.

Now here was another thought: I want to surprise her with a date night. Not for the expectation of sex at all, I mean, if it happens great, but just to give her a night to enjoy "us".

If I want to try to encourage her to talk about this, should I do it now, like tonight, or maybe try to romance her more than usual, make her feel a bit better about things, and THEN bring it up?

Obviously, in either situation, I won't try to do it WHILE we're having sex, or just before/after.

I wonder if she doesn't even realize how I feel about it.

I actually orgasm much more quickly than I'd like.

What I wonder and also want to ask my wife, is have you ever had an orgasm by masturbating? Have you even tried?