As you lie asleep, I cry awake

Sex isn’t that important! I believe this to be so untrue. Sex is the physical way of expressing your desire and longing to be with someone. Normally you hear of men complaining that their significant other doesn’t give them the sexual attention they crave. In my case, I, the female, feel this way. Let me explain:

I dated this guy for about three years, and due to a very tumultuous relationship, we ended things. I tried to move on, and even hooked up with a new guy. The new boyfriend was what some women would consider perfect. He was good looking, a teacher, in school getting his Masters, had a good family, fun to be with, and lastly, he adored me. I would wake up on a Sunday and have my favorite breakfast, flowers, and a very sweet card expressing his love for me on the table. Even with my complete trust in this guy, there was something always missing on my end. At first, we had sex all the time, sometimes even several times a day. We watched porn together, engaged in kinky activities, and would have sex in fun places ;) Slowly though, I lost my sex drive. I never wanted to have sex with him. The more he tried, the less I desired him. It put a strain on our relationship. I wasn’t sure why it happened. I still found him attractive, and he certainly made me feel great about myself. I began to think it may have something to do with my ex-boyfriend. We left things very messy, and I always thought about him.

Could I be having an emotional affair with someone who doesn’t even speak to me? Anyway, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, who, by the way, lived with me, and began talking back to my ex. All of a sudden I felt the old me come back. I was so horny! Looking back, I was always horny for him. Even when we dated for three years, I wanted him always. Here’s the problem, he rarely wants me. We had this issue before. He would always say “I’m so tired from work” and then he began to tell me he thought he had a problem. I had quite a few sexual partners, and I know that guys run into issues every once in a while. I wondered if he just thought he had a problem, which in turn, was creating the problem. Back on track. We get back together and we are having sex everyday. Then one day, he said it again, “I’m tired”. It brought back the feelings of rejection. I didn’t say anything. As it started happening more and more, I finally brought the subject back up. He once again claimed to have a “problem”. Feeling guilty, I tried not to push the issue further. If he really did have a problem, I didn’t want to make him feel even worse about it. Then, on Valentines Day, we had a lovely evening and when we got home, I secretly put on lingerie under my normal PJ’s and asked for a massage. I figured I would surprise him when he went to take my clothes off. Well he gave me the massage, but never got hard. I had never felt more unattractive, undesired, and horrible in my life. How could a man, who has an attractive girlfriend, one that tries to excite him, and wished to have sex everyday, not even have sex with her on Valentines Day?? I ended up telling him how I felt the next day, and I could tell he felt bad. He once again broke down about his problem.

From that day on, I figured, it, I’m not going to try. Let’s leave the initiating up to him, that way he would never feel pressured if he didn’t think he was able to perform. I thought the longer I go without pressing him, the more he will want me right? Wrong……he still isn’t trying. Just recently, we went two weeks without sex. I know I am an attractive person, and to add, I am quite the catch. I am 25 years old, I am a professional, I have my own nice place, my own nice car, I pay my own bills, I just got my Masters degree, I’m going for my PsyD, and even though I am dedicated to school and work, I am a very fun /crazy person to be around. This sounds bad, but I feel that I could go out and take pretty much any guy I wished home with me. I don’t want to do that, it is just my way of expressing that I know I am desirable. By most peoples opinions, am “too good” for my boyfriend. However, I don’t feel that way and I love him so much. I don’t want this to cause problems, but by me having to act “ok” with our sex life when I am not, I can tell this is going to become an even bigger issue. It already has. It’s not even just about my need for orgasms anymore; it’s about my need to feel my boyfriend wants me. Can anyone please give me any suggestions, input, advice….. whatever. Thanks for listening.

~ Hating to Sleep in a Cold Bed

I feel for you and your post seems really heartfelt. I get the feeling that he actually is worried about having further issues with his problem if he intiates sex. You need to both calm down-perhaps you may need to look after yourself sexually without pressuring him for a while.

Not sure if this helps you though.

Best wishes

Thanks for your response. The problem with that is... I am unable to pleasure myself. I have tried so many different ways over the years, always without results. The more I think about it, the more I begin to question why he wouldn't get his penis checked out if he truly felt he had a problem?

Here comes another idea. Could he be gay? I have told him before, not in reference to our sex life, that I wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to be gay. The first time my parents met him they noticed his "swagger"... lol. I was his first, and only, girlfriend, and he is 28 years old. I haven't known him to be with too many sexual partners, but he has told me that "the problem" happened with another girl as well. I guess I just brush that idea off because, like I said, when we first got back together, we were doing it like crazy. If he was gay, or had a "problem", wouldn't you think it would be a constant decrease in sex drive?

Well in response to your second post HTSIACB (lol) I'll answer in my personal experience, and you can do with what I say as you will. I think you need to realize some people do not feel they need sex as much as others.--Not because they have a problem but they just don't care or feel the need to. I recently watched a show, the women answered this as, the problem could be that because you used to have sex a lot, and since you've been together for awhile it tends to get boring. Like it's the same old thing. -This is my personaly issue. I'm in a great relaionship with my fiancé for 3 years. He was my first sexual partner and last. We used to have sex a few time's a day, but within the last year I just don't feel like it so I say no. Sometime's it is because he wants to in the morning and I want to at night. Sometime's I just don't feel like doing it, I guess because I'm too lazy to. I'm still attracted to him, love him and all that. But it is the same old thing and well its boring... lol. We've tried different things. Still sometime's it's boring. I'm not too concerned though, I'm not going to be forced to do anything I don't want to. Anyway, I think the main prob for me is he has started working a lot lately, and he is trying to presue his ''perfect career'' and because of that he's always at work and when he comes home he's tired, then when he does have off, he doesn't want to do anything sometime's. So good luck to you hope you can figure out what you need to do from some of what I've said.

Well from what you wrote you were doing all the right things... except going back with a guy who had issues you knew about.

Yeah you know you cared for him, fact is you also know the pain he causes you. At 25 you are also young enough to not fully grasp the facts that are in front of you.

Sex seems important to you, also know there are quite a few good and maybe even better guys out there that are intellectually AND sexually a better match for you. Staying with this guy is causing you pain and will only continue to. Perhaps he is better suited for life as a Catholic monk. Try not to waste more of your youth with this guy.

Trust me in that you can move on. And for your own mental health should.

Smoothy,

It seems wrong to leave someone, when everything else is going good, simply based on the fact that we don't have sex as often as I like. Perhaps you are correct when stating "At 25 you are also young enough to not fully grasp the facts that are in front of you".

I guess I am looking for a male input on the penis "problem". Does it seem plausible... considering his past hx of being able to perform? Can it really be that he is just "too tired"? Or maybe I should ask a gay man about my questioning of his sexuality? Just trying to look down every road before making a turn.

Thanks for your time :)

Why does it seem wrong. The fact that you are not happy in this relationship and you are not getting what you need and should expect. It doesn't matter that sex is what is missing. It could be any number of things, secrecy, lack of intimacy, lack of warmth, the fact you don't connect at the right level.

Count your blessings you aren't married yet, or worse have kids.

People break up every day for far less serious matters.

As a 25 year old male a major portion of my thoughts were were to find a woman to hook up with that would sleep with me... and when I did have a woman we went at it like rabbits the entire night. Quite literally, I went almost an entire week with almost no sleep as a result of a flame being in town.

At 45 my thoughts aren't quite as focused on sex... but trust me they don't stray away for that long a period. Though being married I no longer worry about with who or when as I know the answers to those two questions with certainty.


And my basic point is I also tended to cling to a relationship that had obvious problems far too long when I was younger as well. I have the beifit of hindsight on this.

I'm in a similar situation. Been with this guy for the past 2 years after a 20+ year marriage. He had tons of sex drive when I first met him, now nothing. I moved in with him a year ago and it has only gotten worse. He also just got over a 10+ year marriage. I feel I have control, why can't he. But in all honesty, being with him has made me loose myself esteem, feeling unattractive. I know I'm the most gorgeous woman out there but he fell for me for a reason. I have threatened to move out a lot... I honestly don't want to but I have being rejected. He doesn't even show me he loves me or tells me without me telling him first. He went and got Viagra but hasn't taken it. Seems to be an ongoing issue he had with his previous marriage. I honestly do not know what to tell you... but keep your head up and you are the only one that knows what to do.

I am in the same position. Especially because you mentioned his possible gay-ness I assume there are some somewhat feminine qualities he possesses. (Also, is he overweight or anything? Does he eat healthily? Does he exercise? The problem he has could easily be caused by hormone imbalance (namely not enough testosterone)