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Why does he keep mastrubating and lying about it?
Asked Dec 29, 2010, 11:55 AM
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59 Answers I'm a 22 year old mother of two my boyfriend and father of my children is 36. I just recently had a baby three months ago. About four months before he was born my boyfriend and I pretty much entirely stopped having sex or doing anything with each other. We wouldn't lay together hold each other I don't even think we kissed often. He would come home from work take his shower and eat and fall asleep or "pass out" on the couch. I just figured it was because this pregnancy I got a little bigger and it was all belly. I'm a skinny girl though I only gained maybe 15 pounds, before my pregnancy I was probably 105. Anyways About a month AFTER the pregnancy we still weren't having sex and he was still distant. One day while he was taking his shower I walked in because we were supposed to be leaving shortly so I wanted to finish getting ready. I opened the shower curtain to give him a kiss and he was totally erect! So that whole time I was deprived from contact and sex he was good taking care of himself! Behind my back of course. We talked about it and I told him I could understand why we didn't have sex at the end of the pregnancy but I don't think you shouldve been hiding that from me. Also I thought it was wrong that he didn't even ask if I wanted to get him off or if I wanted to get off he just worried about himself. He said he would stop even though I only requested him to tell me if he was going to do that cause ill just do the same and we can never have sex. One week later he woke me up in the morning after caring for the baby to tell me he is getting in the shower and he didn't want me to think he was doing something again. What?! So I got up went into the bathroom to pee and there was a stain on his shorts. I went into the kitchen and the there was a paper towel soaked with you know what right on top! Why did he even wake me up to tell me that when he all ready did it!? So we talked again he said he doesn't learn right away and he doesn't know why he did it again. Moving on just last week about a month after all this I get up after he leaves for work before the kids wake up to clean the bathroom I kneel down to pick something off the floor and something is wet on my pant leg figuring its pee I get pissed off and continue cleaning about 10 minutes later I noticed it dried and its white, deffinitely not pee! So I call him and ask him if he is still hiding this from me and he denies it up and down for like and hour till finally he says yes he did it again. Now we talk and he claims that he did it because he was aggravated from our little, very little, argument from the night before. Ok so I guess my question is why? Why is he hiding this from me, why does he prefer it over me when we do have a good sex life when we actually have sex, why does he keep doing it? Also why doesn't he give me a chance to get him off before he resorts to that, don't men usually prefer to have good sex instead of really quick jerk off and hope you don't get caught? Also am I wrong? Is it still a private thing when your in a committed relationship. Like if I wanted sex and he isn't going to give it to me ill tell him that ill just have to take care of it. I'm not ashamed! I need answers from men and women here any advice or answers will be well appreciated! Thanks |
59 Answers
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| I think he does it because he enjoys it, and he hides it and lies about it because he doesn't want to argue with you about it. I think you shouldn't take it as personal rejection; people like to mix it up, and nobody likes to feel that somebody else owns their sexuality. Would it be possible for you to accept that he likes this sometimes and not get so upset about it? Would you be open to showing him that you desire him for himself and not just sex? No matter what, you should talk about it; it sounds like he feels accused of doing something wrong, and that's never a good feeling. I hope you can work this out! | ||||
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| You just had a baby hon. You have other children. Do yuo remember how long it takes for your hooha to NOT look like a torn piece of roast beef? It is a huge turn off for a lot of men. Give it time. He will come back around. And don't ride him so hard about it. *hugs* good luck. I know its tough. But if you are suffering, invest in some good masterbating toys for yourself until the lust comes back into your relationship. And remmeber, a 3 month old is NOT exactly a stress free thing.  it could be that the stress is killing him. And masterbation is a stress reliever. You may enjoy it as well until you are BOTH ready to bring sex back in | ||||
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| Thanks for the response. I guess I do have a negative reaction toward him doing this but I honestly felt neglected and that it was a selfish act when he was ignoring me and doing this instead during and after my pregnancy. Didn't he think that maybe I wanted to get off too and he was only concerned about himself. I told him I don't care if he does it but I just wanted him to tell me he was still going to do it not tell me he wasn't going to anymore and still do it behind my back. I told him that we wouldn't argure if he just told me the truth and that I would probably do it too then but it seems that whenever I say that he doesn't want me to do it so he says he won't anymore. I'm CONFUSED! The other thing is that he totally stopped having sex with me and does that instead. I'm not trying to be concieded in any way but I'm a pretty 22 year old and he is 36 and not that good looking. I love him for who he is and he should know since I tell him two times a day. Your totally right when you say he probably feel like he is doing something wrong since the first time I freaked out but I didn't know how to react when something like that is put in my face. I did apologize though and told him I don't think its wrong but I think its wrong to hide it from your partner. He said he is embarrassed and that its a private thing. What is there to be embarrassed about? He seen me have two kids we been together for 3 years. I don't understand. | ||||
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| I don't think he is embarrassed hon. It sounds like he wants to save you the heartache. You know those stupid white lies told to keep someone from being hurt. You don't like it, he knows it. But he needs it, so he told you he wouldn't do it anymore. He was WRONG to do that. But I hope you can understand it from his point of view. At this point I say you need to sit down and tell him everythin gyuo have told us. How you feel, and let him know you don't mind that he does it just not to hide it from him, and to give you some attention too. And remmeber what I said about 3 months after giving birth. It still looks pretty nasty down there lol. It took me quite awhile to get back to normal with all that stuff. I also think you need to get yourself some toys to satisfy yourselfwith for a while | ||||
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| That's the other thing like I know a lot of women get crazy stiches and stuff when the have a baby. But didn't either time and I really never had any problems after labor... I'm LUCKY! This time it was a little till I even thought about jumping back into bed since the baby was a little bigger and all. But I think I'm back to normal and we are having sex now just he still does it and lies. I just want the truth there shouldn't be secrets in relationships! Idont know... | ||||
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| Maybe you could start over and just tell him you feel neglected, that it's been a long time, and you would like to make a date for sex. Is there someone who can babysit? I don't think you should frame it like he's been selfish or owes you attention, just say you miss him and want to be close. | ||||
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| For many people masturbation is a private thing and they do get embarrassed talking about it. It is actually amazing how many people still deny that they masturbate and go to great lengths to keep up that illusion. He shouldn't be hiding the fact that he masturbates from you. He shouldn't have to announce it or ask permission, but he shouldn't feel the need to hide it either. Neither should he feel like he needs to make promises that he knows or has a good idea that he can't keep. There can be many reasons for someone to want to masturbate and only he can tell you why he does. Reasons range from it feels good and it can relieve stress to it is release without having to worry about another person and that person's needs. It may be that deep down he is concerned about another pregnancy. A keystone to any relationship is open and honest communication. You both need to be able to express your needs and concerns. Not just about sexual acts, but all aspects of life including finances and raising your children. However, you shouldn't have to tell each other every little detail. The difference between telling him you eat and telling him about every time you put food in your mouth. Masturbation is in a way a selfish act. At the same time, wanting your partner to provide all of your stimulation can be seen as being selfish, too. Talk with each other and see if you can reach a compromise. You accept that he needs some alone time and he tries to give you more attention. | ||||
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| Thank you for the advice cat! If you check this out again could you help me understand why he does it behind my back but then when I approached him he said he would stop. I asked him to just tell me if he couldn't stop to just tell me instead of continuing breaking his promises, which he made on his own. I said that if he wants we could both do it but I still want a sex life with him he doesn't need to tell me when he is doing it or anything like that I just want to be able to agree on it either way... His answer was no, I asked why and he said thst if I start doing it too then we probably will never have sex. How is this fair? All I want is to be open and honest with each other. I feel like I'm missing out while he is sneaking around. | ||||
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