1. We were dating for about four months and never had sexual relations. Out of the blue, during one of our dates she began telling me a story of this guy who picked her up in his car from her high school. She got in the car with this guy she liked and he parked in a quite spot under the elevated train tracks. They started to kiss and touch each other. She started rubbing his crotch. He then pushed her head down and she performed oral sex on him. He ejaculated in her mouth. She didn’t like the taste of his semen is what she told me. She said she did not see him anymore and he started spreading rumors that she was easy and enjoys giving oral sex. She spoke to her cousin, so he could talk to this guy, and tell him to stop spreading rumors about her.

2. That was the story she told me when we were dating. During the four years we were dating we did become sexual active, but she never gave me oral sex. She told me that once we were married it would be different and she would be able to do it. I never pressured her to perform oral sex on me; I don’t feel it was right based on her very bad experience. We have now been married 20 years and it has never happen.

3. After our 20th wedding anniversary we were talking one afternoon and I said maybe one day I can get oral sex (I have always performed oral on her, and she enjoys it). She looked at me sadly and said I need to tell you what happened to me on my prom night.
a. Five girls and guys rented a limo and went to their prom and afterwards went to a few clubs in New York City. She said that about 2:00 am at one of the clubs she was getting tired and decided to go wait / rest in the limo. All the others were dancing or drinking. She did not say if she told anyone that she was going to the limo.
b. The limo driver let her into the limo and asked if she wanted to go anywhere and she said no. Within a few minutes one of the guys (one of her girlfriends date at the prom) got into the limo as well. He sat down next to her and started kissing and touching her. She asked him to stop.
c. Next she remembers him grabbing her head and pushing it into his crotch. He had his penis out and she remembers he was not wearing underwear. He was holding her head down and she began giving him oral sex. While she was performing on him, he told her to concentrate on the head of his penis. He shoved her head down at his final moment and ejaculated into her throat. She remembers feelings of gagging / throwing up as she spit up his semen. Once he finished he said to her “wasn’t that great!”.
d. Once he let go of her, she got out of the limo and went to the lady’s room to clean and fix herself up. After that she stayed close to the guy she took to the prom to feel safer.
e. The next morning she attended an after prom breakfast and she told some of her girl friends of what happened in the limo. There response was what are you talking about? We were all drinking, maybe you wanted it.

4. She told me the other story (under the elevated train tracks) was false, that she made it up. She has pictures from her prom and I asked her to point out the guy that did that to her, she said no. I asked why she didn’t fight back, and what if the guy had pulled up her gown and raped her vaginally. Her answer was “then he would have raped me vaginally”.

5. The questions that have been going through my mind

a. I don’t understand why she had to make up the first story?
b. Why didn’t she tell me the prom night story instead of making up a story?
c. Are both Stories true?
d. Are both stories false?
e. Why didn’t she fight back in either story?
f. Did she really want to the meet the guy in the limo on prom night?

She's proven herself to be a liar and manipulator.

Why not both of you go to a sex therapist?

Why does it matter?

If you really want her to give you oral sex, then she needs to know it's high on your priority list.

She needs therapy to get past WHATEVER trauma it was that she went through years ago.

You're probably never going to get oral sex because of whatever that trauma was. Either accept that, or negotiate oral on her for oral on you. Either way, YOU need to make a choice here too. Whatever you choose, you need to recognize that you CHOSE that course, and that YOU are now responsible for your happiness down that route. Either stay with her and accept it's never going to happen, or go to therapy with her and discuss WHY (which is probably what you SHOULD do, and the least likely thing that SHE will do), or leave.

Not attractive choices, but it's going to eat you alive if you keep dwelling on it.

Why do you feel that she made up both stories??

Why do you feel the need to know about this?

Seriously?

You are obsessing about something that happened half her life ago! What does it MATTER anymore?

As far as why she didn't fight back--probably because she didn't want to make a fuss. ESPECIALLY if it was the boyfriend of one of her friends. Her friend may have been too important to her to start screaming "RAPE!" about her boyfriend. I don't expect you to understand this. I don't know of too many guys that DO understand the social pressures teenage girls are under, especially about sex.

Your problem NOW is NOT what happened all those years ago. Your problem now is a couple of things:

1. Why did you wait 20 years to bring up the oral sex thing again?
2. Why are you not urging your wife to pursue therapy/counseling for what is essentially rape?
3. Why are you obsessing about the STORY and not the PROBLEM?


Yes, the case MAY be that she just doesn't like to give oral sex. The case may be that she was traumatized by it so severely that she simply cannot do it without having a panic attack.

Your biggest problem is NOT that your wife told one story or another. Your biggest problem is that you're focusing on the STORY and not on the fact that whichever story was true, she was forced to do something she did not want to.

Let's put it this way: How would you like it if when you were in high school a girl (or guy!)you were hanging out with decided that you were going to receive anal sex, and you were forced into a sex act that you weren't exactly comfortable with to begin with. Would you be all that enthusiastic about trying it again, even it if was something that was high on your wife's sexual fantasies? Or would you need serious counseling to even CONSIDER it?

The second story is approximately true, adjusting for the long time it's been since it happened. When she first knew you, she was ashamed to admit she was raped. Now she feels she can trust you with what actually happened. Don't doubt her now or show so little respect for her word as you are here. I'm a little surprised that after 20 years you are still asking her to do something she doesn't want to do.

For a woman who could not set boundaries when she was a teen, being able to set boundaries with you is important to her. Respect those boundaries. You don't want to pressure her into doing something that she doesn't want to do and end up reminding her of the rapist.

It's quite common for women to be deeply shamed by any form of rape and to conceal it. That was even more true in the past. It's good that she can now at least acknowledge that it happened.

To answer the questions

1. I did respect her and never wanted to pressure her, that is why I waited so long. I thought at the 20 year mark things may have changed.
2. As for therapy, all she wants to do is forget about it and not discuss it anymore. She wants no part of it.
3. As for the stories, all I am worried about is a trust between two people and being honest with each other.

Thanks for your thoughts

Well either she did lie or she lied by telling you the story is a lie...

And that my friend is why you don't trust her

But she does need to see a consular either for

A. habitual liar
B. rape victim
C. Mix of both

Really to be determined by consular

We may never know which if either story is true, or at least as she told it. Time has a way of blurring facts and twisting events. THe fact she is still after 20 years refusing to give her husband oral sex is strange. Therapy will be a good thing as it can resolve whatever issue she still has in regards to it.

Personally I'd have major issues with a woman who refused reasonible requests from a husband such as those, particularly after that long.

I believe nothing should be off limits between a husband and wife as a couple. Three ways or group sex being the exception as they involve others.

Hi,

I agree with the other posts in saying that you should go to a counseller. I think that the second story is true. It makes sense why she would feel she had to alter the story. Her friend told her maybe she wanted it, when your young and in school it is easy to be lead by what your friends think. Also look at how she brought it up the first time, so nonchalantly, this seems to me like she was unsure of what your reaction would be but felt she should give some explanation for what she wouldn't be able to do.

She didn't fight back because she was scared and sometimes that stuns you. You will never understand that point of view until you have an action forced on you that you don't want. There is no point dwelling on this point. She may have wanted to meet him, she may not, you'll never really answer this question. Any way you want to look at it it doesn't matter because she didn't want to give him oral sex.

I'd say start counselling and try to be supportive to her feelings. Maybe see a counsellor on your own regarding this situation, he or she would be able to explain her stance on this more clearly.