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    Jeanette11's Avatar
    Jeanette11 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 24, 2013, 03:48 AM
    What is HIS Malfunction?
    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. My third relationship. He is a spoiled man all around. It's because I love him, I enjoy pleasing him and fulfilling him completely. Plus I am an extremely sexual being! Something isn't right in our relationship. He personally thinks things are sweet and dandy. I can't even remember the last time I felt him passionately touch every corner of my body. I am not repulsive and definitely I am a beautiful goddess. But he sure had made me feel like there's something wrong with me! I actually have stranged men and women telling me how beautiful I am or how I'm so beautiful inside but my own man is oblivious.

    I've talked to him about this, talking to him about my needs, my wants, constantly I am trying to teach and I literally feel that I have actually wasted 2 1/2 years of my precious life. He masturbates a lot! I don't care, personally I like to watch, join in at times. He's a closet bater. I'm starting to think he lives in a fantasy world that only involves his way. He complains a lot how I do things sexually to him! Can't even relax and allow me to seduce sometimes. Tells me how to hold his tool (LOL), what speed and keep it at that speed, when we are having sex.. I have to be really quiet, can't touch his whole body, lay still.. I feel like a dead doll! I don't know what to do. I know he isn't satisfying me! I'm satisfying myself.. that's boring and I'm frustrated!

    I have never been in a relationship with a man that isn't into sex and or the female! My first relationship was 3 years, second I was married for 15 years and this one is 2 1/2. I am 38 years old who is a sexually beast! I love him but not really sure how far I can throw that because I actually feel neglected and not secure anymore. Am I over reacting here? Is this what life after 40 is? How can I help him or teach him because apparently I'm not doing something right here! Please, this goddess needs help and some answers on how to make sense to this!

    Thank you in advance
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Aug 24, 2013, 04:40 AM
    This is about you, not him. Why are you still trying? You should know by now that you can't change people. Help him? He doesn't sound like he needs help; you do, in realizing that it's time to leave.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #3

    Aug 24, 2013, 05:30 AM
    Is there anything good about this man? You make him sound like a sexual, selfish beast very well, but, can you describe him in other ways i.e. his character, values, morals, etc.

    People are not 100% perfect. Yet your whole relationship revolves around sex?

    If this is your only complaint about this man (and I suspect there is more to it than sex), and you have talked to him and expressed your needs, and he is unable, or unwilling to please you sexually, maybe your sex life with him is the best it's ever going to be.

    If you are unwilling or unable to accept that, and nothing is more important than having a better partner sexually, then why stick around. Maybe you will do better with another man. But, maybe better sex won't mean a better relationship, who knows.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #4

    Aug 24, 2013, 06:02 AM
    What else is happening except sex ? He has different desires, this should have been discussed during dating. And you both sound older, while some change happens, many older people are more into life they way it has always been.

    If you can not accept things, they way they are, you may want to move on.

    Are you also telling him, how much everyone else says how your beauty is ?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #5

    Aug 24, 2013, 10:18 AM
    I have a question. When tells you what he needs, do you listen or continuing doing things your way?

    Frankly, if you laugh off his needs and complaints, tell him what others say to you, and, in general, make it all about you (your pleasing him sounds more like what you want than what he does,) then this relationship isn't working out and won't. If you don't listen, why should he?

    Have you actually discussed the subject with him? Listening to what he needs, wants and likes while sharing your thoughts, needs, etc. Or do you complain and lecture him?

    It may be that your sex drives are incompatible. He may have performance issues. He may be reacting to an impression of you trying to take over how he masturbates and his libido. He may not be consciously 'being selfish'. He may be subconsciously reacting to the pressure you are putting on him.

    Set a time to talk when sex isn't expected. Set a place outside of the bedroom. Discuss the issues and the relationship. Be open and honest, but make certain you are encouraging him to do the same. Listen to him like you want him to listen to you. Work together to find a compromise. If you can't and the rest of the relationship isn't enough to satisfy you, then let go and walk away before you continue to hurt each other and do more damage.
    Jeanette11's Avatar
    Jeanette11 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Aug 24, 2013, 10:44 AM
    Well we started wonderful. Got to know each other before jumping into the sack. That was more of my doing than his even though he waited patiently as well. I knew him and his family when I was younger. We met and rekindled. He chased and then finally has me and now I'm noticing a pattern that's getting thicker with 'WTH is going on' and 'am I going to be able to live in this manner for the rest of my life'? He isn't a bad man. We have fun still. He is funny, sweet, loving in his own Lil ways. He knows and sees how I am treated by strangers or sees how friends are with me. He doesn't worry about that with me because I am 100% trustful and honest. I am a communicator as well. You know what?

    I am his first love. He had lots of females but never stuck it out with just one. Until we met again. And now I'm thinking either he doesn't understand and can't escalate this (because I tell him) or my man is just this way. Doesn't make sense to me at all.

    I spice things up. I'm a fiend for sex but I have totally toned myself down for him. I had to because it was affecting me bad. I came in here to ask these questions in hope for guidance or more of an idea on what this is. I'm not wanting to put him down or anyone else for the matter. I am an intelligent woman in hopes of finding someone else who has or had been going through this. And it could very well be me but I am a firm believer it takes two. Bottom line- I am starting to be unhappy and this makes me sad. Thank you for your answers, guidance and support. ��

    I do please him. I am sweet and loving. I love being happy and I try to be a positive person. I'm a wonderful mama, an amazing daughter and the best a man could want. He does not go without. And I'm starting to feel I could be taken for granted. And that's just not right! I'm pretty sure he isn't doing it on purpose. My love, how I love and everything in between is not fake. I'm thinking a few in this thread does not understand the extent of this. Maybe there's a few still wet behind the ears in here, who knows. I know there's something wrong with my man. It's not me... I don't think. Maybe this could be the start of impotency. Maybe he's getting tired in the core of his body. Those are two things I have not thought about at all! Never crossed my mind. That alone could affect a man greatly. If that's the case than its mostly me and I have to figure this out with in or leave him.

    The thought hurts my heart. Ok well this is quite overwhelming. I don't have anyone to speak about personal things but him. I am a trustworthy individual who do not like speaking about my personal of anything with just anyone. But thank you for some insights.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #7

    Aug 24, 2013, 11:38 AM
    How do you try communicating with him? How well does he communicate about things that bother or embarrass him? Does he tend to shrug off negative subjects or go along with what someone else says to keep out of conflicts or disagreements?

    You say that you 'spice' things up. Is this something you do on your own or do you get his thoughts on ways to increase the pleasure and fun?

    How is his health? If he has performance issues, his 'fears' could be the symptoms of other health problems. Some medications can have negative effects on the libido or ability to perform.

    Stress and exhaustion are two other factors that can have very negative effects on the libido. It can sometimes be easy to overlook them when they are small, but they have a tendency to pile up.

    I am a bit concerned that the person you are now may not be the person he is 'in love' with or fully attracted to. If he has held on to an ideal for a very long time, he may be caught up in a fantasy of what he dreamed rather than the reality.

    Another thought, without knowing how his other relationships progressed or ended, he may have some fears about letting go or being fully involved. Part of him may be holding back as protection. He may not know how to keep a relationship going once the pursuit/newness wears off.

    If you think the relationship is worth it, you might consider couple's counseling. Having a neutral third party mediate discussions and offer new ways to approach sensitive subjects might help.

    If your libidos and 'likes/needs' are too far apart, love may not be enough. Some people make better friends than they do lovers.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #8

    Aug 26, 2013, 07:03 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jeanette11 View Post
    Bottom line- I am starting to be unhappy and this makes me sad.
    So why are you still around.

    One of those who are wet behind the ears here. (I shower, sue me.)

    Anyhow, there are problems both side here but we need more information. See Cat1864's post and answer those please.

    What I see here initially is that you're as spoiled as he is. You're rife with self-image issues though I am not sure if it is and overally inflated or poor self image. Please realize that what's sexy to one person is revolting to another. There isn't an universal standard of beauty regardless of what mass media would like you to believe. With all your comments about what the public at large seems to think about you tells me that you're unsure about what you look like. You're confused about what is going on and you're trying to figure out what he's not interested and trying to justify why it isn't you.

    As for him. What's wrong with masturbating? I have a happy and healthy sex life and wank almost every day. It is a general behaviour amongst men. It isn't really anything to be worried about. It would honestly be more concerning if he didn't.

    Another thing to think about, are you pestering him too much for sex? Just an honest thought. Subconsciously he might be starting to think that you're just here for the sex. He doesn't realize it but it is something that is on the back of his brain. Even if he wants it, if he feels like you're just interested in getting his twig down your rabbit hole, then he's going to shut down even if he wants to shove his twig down your rabbit hole.

    So if you could get back to us on Cat1864's question that would be awesome.
    Jeanette11's Avatar
    Jeanette11 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #9

    Aug 26, 2013, 12:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Cat1864 View Post
    I have a question. When tells you what he needs, do you listen or continuing doing things your way?

    Frankly, if you laugh off his needs and complaints, tell him what others say to you, and, in general, make it all about you (your pleasing him sounds more like what you want than what he does,) then this relationship isn't working out and won't. If you don't listen, why should he?

    Have you actually discussed the subject with him? Listening to what he needs, wants and likes while sharing your thoughts, needs, etc.? Or do you complain and lecture him?

    It may be that your sex drives are incompatible. He may have performance issues. He may be reacting to an impression of you trying to take over how he masturbates and his libido. He may not be consciously 'being selfish'. He may be subconsciously reacting to the pressure you are putting on him.

    Set a time to talk when sex isn't expected. Set a place outside of the bedroom. Discuss the issues and the relationship. Be open and honest, but make certain you are encouraging him to do the same. Listen to him like you want him to listen to you. Work together to find a compromise. If you can't and the rest of the relationship isn't enough to satisfy you, then let go and walk away before you continue to hurt each other and do more damage.
    I had said previously I think this could be a performance issue. Something I haven't had crossed my mind until I posted in this site. From reading everyone else's responses had made me pondered on this idea. I have not brought this up to him yet. I don't want to. I'd like to give him room and just wait for the perfect time.
    We are very much in love with each other and we are best friends. As best as can be in a few years but none the less.. friends.
    You are correct about our sexual compatibility. I am more than he is. I have always been this way. It has calmed down a little but I am still more sexual than he is. We are different in that department.
    I do think he's addicted to masturbation. It can happen and it can affect a relationship. A sign of laziness if its excessive.
    I do wish he would devour me once in a while though. It would be nice and it would be a change of pace.
    I am physically stronger and have more stamina than him too. I may be 38 but I feel so much younger!
    I do thank you and everyone else who has responded to my questions. They have helped me tremendously. There seem to be a few negative responses that could be some sort of corrective criticm or just not understanding. But over all.. thank you!

    One more thing... this has been only happening for the past 6 months or so. It's slowly becoming different. To where it arose an awareness in my thoughts.

    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    This is about you, not him. Why are you still trying? You should know by now that you can't change people. Help him? He doesn't sound like he needs help; you do, in realizing that it's time to leave.
    Why would I want to leave him without trying? That doesn't even make sense to me. It's a sure sign of weakness and fear. All I'm looking for in here is some solid advice that can help me talk to him. If there is someone else
    Who is or has gone through this. If I had spoiled him so much that its taking away from my needs now. Could this be the first sign of impedance. Is this the norm for some as they age? See I am full of questions. I just need a clearer understanding so we can take this to the next level. In whatever that could be. I hope him and I will be OK.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #10

    Aug 26, 2013, 02:01 PM
    What kind of work do you do? What does he do? Most 40 year old guys have a drop in their lust just because reality and life suck the vinegar right out of you, and he was already lagging behind so what makes you think he would change from what you already knew? Another observation is that you have had relationship failures before, even a failed marriage?

    Do you think there is more to a relationship than just fun in bed or wondering what's wrong with your partner because obviously your good looks and claims of perfection haven't gotten you the happiness or sex you wanted so what could be missing?

    I see no humility, or gratitude, and can bet you are a hard person to communicate with. And if I may add honesty and being a good communicator doesn't always translate to being open minded or a good listener, because I can bet that this was a great experiment, as are most, in the beginning, but time has revealed the reality of what's left after the lust. Barring outside stress that you make no mention of, its plain you two may not be a match, and as partners you both suck for each other.

    So you have talked and talked but you have yet to share his response with us, so do you know what he says the problem is? Or was it dismissed as being irrelevant to your needs? Maybe the time has past for you talking about your lack of satisfaction, and find out about other areas of the relationship that may need addressing.

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