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I have a problem with men looking at other women while in a relationship, fantasizing about other women, etc. I have made peace with the fact that I have a problem accepting a man who does these things. The problem is, I want him to be honest with me, b/c I feel I have a right to know what I am getting into. I mean, if it’s a deal breaker for me, then petty or not, I should be able to decide that. I want the truth without alienating him. The problem, apparently (no offense to men) is most if not all men do it. So, if it’s a deal breaker for me, I am pretty much screwed. So then, I have to ask myself, how can I get past this? How can I accept this?
Truthfully I can’t. Here is why:
I don’t look or fantasize about other people, when he does it makes me lose respect and my sex appeal toward him diminishes thus our sex life is likely to be worse and so does the overall situation. Nothing is sexier then knowing the person you are with desires you not other people.
I am not single, so why would I shop? If I needed a TV and bought one then I don’t bother shopping for anymore TV’s. To me it’s just a gateway of possibilities.
That is offensive to me b/c that’s like saying that he feels this is the best he can do with his self esteem and is settling but is not satisfied, I feel if he were, then no matter good looking another women is I would have his attention. She would be just another person to him, not an attractive person per se.
I want the truth, but the truth does cause these problems. So, I do alienate him even against my own wishes. If I live in denial and don’t ask I will be way worse off. I would actually be paranoid. It’s a no win situation for me.
I hear men and women say “its normal” yet I don’t do it. They say “unless he acts on it you shouldn’t care” but to me after the offense it’s like you might as well have, in fact I would almost prefer a man to cheat then look as odd as that may sound. It may remind him how foolish he is and he would stop hurting me for his own selfish purposes.
He says if I stared at some guy or was looking it wouldn’t bother him. That pisses me off more. It’s like I am bazaar for not understanding this crude offense.
I am not a prude, I am freaky, but I don’t like to feel badly about myself. In fact, I am more apt to become less sexually open once I feel I am not adequate. I have even tried harder when I think he was into someone else, and it does not stop it, so I have on incentive. If anything, I get angry b/c I feel like I am doing all the trying. After all, if there is something he wants, why shouldn’t he express that himself?
No matter good I look, it won't stop him there is always someone better then me.
It's embarrassing to me. Other women see it and look at me like I have failed somehow. Or even think it's funny at my expense. Some women purposely try to get his attention just to get at me. How am I supposed to deal with that? I ignore them, but become resentful towards him for being so oblivious about it.
Sex and anything related to it is deeply emotional for me, while it may not be for men, how can I even value it or continue to want it with him or any man if my feelings are just easily dismissed like this?
I am aware that I am not the best looking person in the world but I refuse to be second best to someone he does not even lay down with. He says it’s not that big of a deal, and while I don’t want to change him, on principle it pisses me off that something that does not matter does not stop happening. If it weren't that big of a deal, I shouldn't have to ask, he should want to keep from hurting me.
mixed feelings here. in the end, both sides need to be able to come together and have some balance. you need to let him be a living, breathing man, and he needs to respect your feelings on this as best he can.
i have a beautiful, faithful wife who can be a flirt from time to time. so if we are at the bar with a group, and some young buck is buying her drinks and getting beat by her in pool, well ok then. shes having fun. shes getting attention. if he crosses a line, ill go over and introduce myself. if he takes offense, well... then itll get ugly.
i know what you are saying... and i cant tell you that you are wrong for feeling this way... but unless he is really being a pig about it, you know this is largely a self-esteem issue on your side. yes, a man should be respectful of his partners feelings. yes, some men are really, really clueless about how blatent their gawking is.
but... it is a normal reaction for a man, or woman, to notice another of the opposite sex. its just the truth.
and instead of accepting this and being comfortable, even complimented by the fact that hes true to you, despite he will see other attractive women for the rest of his life, its now turning into a problem.
my wife is going on a 4 day business trip tomorrow. i know a few of the people at the conference were there the last time, when id gone with her, and theyd flirted. shes going to get attention, shes going to even be propositioned, perhaps. i trust in her and i believe all the attention in the world isnt going to make her break her vows.
and i just dont see how her talking to a man she finds attractive is the worst thing in the world. locks keep honest people out. vows keep honest people in check from time to time. the best cheaters will do it and you will never know. if his eyes drift for a moment, cut him some slack. hes still with you.
so... again, unless hes being a real pig about it, it sounds like this is a self esteem issue that is now being transferred into the relationship. he isnt cheating. and he didnt become asexual the minute he met you.
again... i take a different tack. i find a lot of pride and happiness in knowing my partner is looked at by others, and can look at other men she finds attractive, and still be faithful and come home to me. she knows im going to see women i find attractive, and still, i sleep only in her bed.
Thank you for your response. I am trying to be receptive, but I still can't shake it. I mean, I realize it's likely me, but his looking does not help that at all. I didn't assume he'd be asexual, just as I not, yet I don't look. I am to focused on whatever it is I am doing to even notice. I beleve it he were giving me the same attention he once was I wouldn't be so bothered or jealous now. If women were looking at him, that's one thing, but him looking at other women to me still comes off like I am old news. I can even understand flirting b/c that's a self esteem boster, so long as the most important person in the world is not ignored or it is not done purposely when they are not around or some such to hide it.
This is no longer the same relationship. Given everyone's advice and my need for clarity in my life I have moved on. So, this is someone I am dating. I am currently legally seperated.
you seemed to feel beat up emotionally in that relationship, and im guessing some of that is whats at play here... having been in a relationship with a person who was disengaged and having lost that intimacy before. certainly seems like reason for having issues with trust or self esteem.
All men look, all that I know of, it has to do with human nature and the way men are wired, they are very visual people who get sexual excietement from the phsycial often.
It if the faithfulness, looking does not mean touching or acting upon it.
To be honest at a concert last night, there was a girl in shorts so short I saw less of my first wife untill we were married. I may look, even a slight day dream but that is it.
As for as telling the lady in thier life, first a man looks so many times a day, I doubt he could remember most and would less confess them.
It is obvoius you say that it turns you off to know, so you want him to confess, so you can get mad at him, I am sorry but that would be slightly stupid for the man ??
If you are looking for a man who will not look, find someone legally blind, that is about the only way it is going to happen.
Looking does not mean he is not the best true person you will ever have.
I don't mean this wrong but you are asking for too much and getting way to worried about it. I would say that there has been issues in your life that is causing these feelings, and perhaps you need to try and deal with your own feelings or you will never find a man you can be happy with
I think you just confirmed everything that bothers me. I just feel very simply, if a man or women can't stop doing something that they know hurts someone they claim to love then selfishness is more important by a long shot. In that case, why would I want to sacrifice for someone who is not willing to do so for me? The fact that you say you the love the women your with but you fantasize about someone else makes me think you would, if you could and not get caught. You don't b/c your afraid you'll get caught, not b/c your satisified. Is that not right? If your not satisfied, why do you bother with a relationship? Why not just be a free man?
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