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How can I explain this to my husband so he understands?
I'm really seeking/needing some good feedback here-I've read many Q and A's on the subject of not desiring sex...I just haven't found anything I can really use... Sorry!
I'm 37...I was sexually abused by several family members as a child-was "molested" at the age of 20 by a "friend" of ours and raped several times by another "friend" at the age of 21. I used to go through periods where I loved sex! It was a good thing! (although I have never had an orgasm w/o masturbating during) But for the past, I'd say 1-2 years, I hate sex. Just the idea of having sex literally will make me feel ill and shame-filled. I've tried to explain to my husband that it's not him...(i'm currently in a "new" form of therapy through my church and this is when I lost all desire to have sex...secular therapy has NEVER worked for me personally FYI)
My main question is this...how do I communicate it to him?? He tries to understand but says he just can't...he also says it's not the "sex"...it's that he feels so distant from me and misses the intimacy...all day, every day he makes little "sexual" comments, trying for comic relief for a very real and tense situation...but that just makes me feel even more guilty and shameful...it's gotten to the point where my 3 boys have joined in the joking!
How can I make him feel loved? How can I explain that him touching me right now is not helping me and that I am trying to get help? How can I make this better? I thought I was over everything that had happened to me...I have very purposefully forgiven everyone that ever hurt me and was great for many years...in this new therapy, we've come up against a block-we can get so far and suddenly I go into a panic and can't continue...the counsellors aren't allowed to tell me what they think (that plants ideas...it has to come from me, if that makes sense) So until I get through whatever it is that I'm obviously blocking there will be no quick fix...I try to make love...no...I try to give him sex whenever I feel capable-he knows I'm not truly "in it" so then he feels guilty which enhances MY guilt...laugh...it's really quite the mess isn't it? A vicious circle I can't get out of....
Any suggestions? ideas? feedback? blatant "get over it!"'s??
Thank you!
XoXo
Mychele
P.S. (as if this wasn't long enuff!) Yes-I have confidence issues/esteem issues/body issues and a whole sordid list of issues! Things I thought I'd gotten past have reared their ugly heads to spit in my face...just giving you as much info as possible so you're able to give the best answers possible! Thanx again!
Something like this: "My dearest: I love you more than life. I know that you are not pleased that I am not comfortable being intimate with you, but for the past two years having sex makes me feel terrible. Having you touching me is not helping, and your comments and the kids' joking about it is not good either. I will do anything I can to make you happy, and if you feel you need to leave our relationship to find someone else, then I will understand and support your decision to do so."
I see the main problem as your husband hectoring you. If he is an insensitive guy, a bully, perhaps you have real reasons not to want to have sex with him unrelated to your sexual past?? Just imagine! he has brought the children into your sex life! He has major growing up issues in my opinion.
I have negative feelings toward "Christian Therapy".... the reason, there is a set agenda about who you should be or not be before the therapy even starts. If your authentic self doesn't fit in with the Christian therapeutic agenda, then what?
This is a complicated problem. From my experience, when it gets to the point when you can't even "fake it" with your husband who you previously had a sexual relationship with (despite sexual abuse in the past) then, couldn't it be that you are sick of him? Anyway, you do have to come to your own realizations, therapy is not there to tell you who you, etc.
In order to build your confidence, make sure you have the skills to hold down a full time job while you are working on the relationship issues. We never know what the future will hold for us, none of us.
i am so sorry to hear about your situation. i think ur husband should be a little more understanding considering what you've been through in the past. You are going through a rough patch and need to explain to him that u love him but there is soemting in the way of your sexual relationship. You should def. go to group therapy or even music therapy. through music therapy u will be able to release your inner and unconcious feelings you may have never knew u had. trust me im going to school for this now and ive seen many cases like this where it has been helpful !
You need to set him down and tell him straight out-no matter how hurtful/shameful etc it is. Your story is silmilar to my wife's, she told me -it was a huge weight lifted off her shoulders and we can enjoy sex together without her bad feelings arising all the time.
I see the main problem as your husband hectoring you. If he is an insensitive guy, a bully, perhaps you have real reasons not to want to have sex with him unrelated to your sexual past?? Just imagine! he has brought the children into your sex life! He has major growing up issues in my opinion.
I have negative feelings toward "Christian Therapy".... the reason, there is a set agenda about who you should be or not be before the therapy even starts. If your authentic self doesn't fit in with the Christian therapeutic agenda, then what?
This is a complicated problem. From my experience, when it gets to the point when you can't even "fake it" with your husband who you previously had a sexual relationship with (despite sexual abuse in the past) then, couldn't it be that you are sick of him? Anyway, you do have to come to your own realizations, therapy is not there to tell you who you, etc.
In order to build your confidence, make sure you have the skills to hold down a full time job while you are working on the relationship issues. We never know what the future will hold for us, none of us.
Best wishes to you in the coming year,
I can certainly understand your views on "Christian Therapy"...The therapy I'm currently in only requires one thing...a true desire to be well. It doesn't matter who you are coming in or any expectation of who you'll be once you are done...it's not a "bible-thumping" conversion tool... I've tried conventional therapy for years-various issues I'm sure stem from all the sexual abuse as well as a domineering mom who expected perfection in everything (actually-the "I have to be perfect in all ways at all times for all people" has had many more detrimental consequences on my life than all the sexual abuse combined)...from bulimia to anxiety/panic disorders-it's all been covered-until I went to my new therapy, I never saw any hope...I'm not saying it's right for everyone! Just as I'm not saying conventional therapy isn't right! I think it's great and works for many people...just not for me...
As to my husband...he is dominating, but not in a bullying way...it's strange really. He is very passive, rarely ever angry-in an unhealthy way mind you...this I know...when he found out about the first friend (who only tried touchy-feely "games") his response was very quiet and matter-of-fact...NOT the way someone in touch with their emotions would react...when he found out about the second friend, he was angry for sure, but he held it in for fear of making me feel guilty...understandable, to a degree, but not healthy...(oops- brain-farted out of what I was saying!) He somehow is controlling...just not overtly...I really can't explain it...but I can tell you this, he has started to change in the past 3 months... growing up a lot and trying to show more emotion-communicate his feelings more... I really don't know...like you said...it really is a very complicated thing... sadly, I think the kiddo's joining in has made him feel more connected to them...it's very important to him that he NOT be his father...in the way he relates to the kids and to me...He is trying...it's just that nothing I've said or tried thus far has worked...
I never thought about the situation from the aspect of it being pretty bad when I "can't even fake it w/my hubbie that I used to have sex with all the time" (loosely quoted obviously)...that really gave me something to think about-I'm a very passive-aggressive person...especially with my husband...I've done things without thinking because I was angry with him before...this could be part of it in some way...now to figure out if it is and how!
I think I'll be alright from the job aspect...I managed to land a very nice receptionist job with NO qualifications after being a stay-at-home mom for fifteen years...and I do plan to write a book (now you can all hold me accountable...I've made it public... ) as well as go back to school as soon as the finances allow it...hopefully it won't come to that...I really don't believe it will...but as you said, you never know...I can tell you this-it will be HIS choice, not mine...
Thanx again-I appreciate you honesty...I truly do.
XoXo
Mychele
First I will say that no, Christain couseling has few set rules and agendas, except helping the couple, A catholic couselor may be different than a baptist couselor, or a anglican couselor,
You have gay and homosexual christian couselors whose religoius beliefs accept those life styles and the such.
So what you need is couseling, it matters little which type the main thing is that you have issues to go though, and he has issues to deal with as you are dealing with them.
well just tell him what happend to you because once you tell him then maybe he will understand but just sitting there telling him ot stop wont work all the time so if i were you but im not i would tell him evem if it took a while to get the courage up to tell him but just take your time and just telll him what happend believe me its better for someone to tell then to hold everything back. I was close to being raped and the first person i told was my best friend who is now my boyfriend.
Sorry!
Thanx again!
) as well as go back to school as soon as the finances allow it...hopefully it won't come to that...I really don't believe it will...but as you said, you never know...I can tell you this-it will be HIS choice, not mine...
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