What can I do to get my g/f get in the mood?

doorman01 · Nov 2, 2009, 07:22 AM

I have been with my girlfriend for about four month now. I have fallin madly in love with her, She and her 2 year old son live with me now. When we first got together the sex was amazing, by far the best I had ever had! We would have sex 2 and 3 times a day. Now that she lives with me she is never in the mood. I do everything for her I clean, take care of her son wile she is at work, cook, do all the house work. I try to make her feel as loved as I can. Itell her every day how much I love her. I try to tell her how beautiful she is and its like she gets angry becasue she doesnt belive that she is,( but I do). She dosent like for me to iniciate sex she says that its a big turn off for her and makes her want it even less. She says that I am a pervert, when I tell her that she looks very good in tight fitting pear of jeans. She has told me in the past that sex is nothing but a tool to her(so she can get off). Sex is a big deal to me, like most me i guess. But I dont see why I have to adhear to all of her wants and needs when none of mine get meet. She doesnt want me to hang all over her, she dont want me to compliment her as i do, she wants me to help w/ house stuff ( witch I do it all). I guess im just tired of feeling bad for wanting to have sex with my girlfriend, and feeling bad for thinkin my girlfriend is the most beauitful girl in the work, and finding her very sexually attractive. I just dont know what to do, She gave up alot to move down were I live w/ me, So im pretty sure she loves me, I just dont know if she loves me in that way anymore. Its kind of like the bait and switch she gave me sex and lovy dovy stuff before she moved in and now that she is with me it like she dont have to do that stuff( lord nows I would never forse her to do anything she did not want. But sometimes even a man needs to be desired!

doorman01 · Nov 2, 2009, 11:39 AM

We are both 28, any ideas how I should strat the conversation?

smoothy · Nov 2, 2009, 11:56 AM

I'd talk to her when her son was in bed. It would be an akward converstation in front of a kid thats old enough to speak to you.

I'd start with "Can I talk to you about something thats been on my mind lately". Be honest....but also try to not lay it on her at the same time. Put her on the defensive and the conversation is over before it even starts.

doorman01 · Nov 3, 2009, 04:24 AM

Well, we talked last night after the boy went to bed. The short stiry is that she told me she is anxious or nervous when she thinks about it with me. I have no idea why and she could not give an answer as to why. She told me she needed time to figure it out.(even though I have already given her a month with no results)She told me that she hasent even wanted to play with herself, I told her good that she need not want to anyway, when she has the man that loves her anytime she wants. She got mad at that cause I told her I did not want her to do it, because she should want to share that with me. I asked why she could not do that one little thing for me. when I treat her like a queen and do everything for her. She told me why cant I stop wanting sex! i dont have real high expectations as far as sex goes but I dont think 3 or4 times a month is unreasonable, But she tells me she doesent know why we have to do it once a month. The conversation ended as it normaly does with her being tired and not wanting to talk about it anymore with nothing getting done. Im so confused, upset, angry, I feel like I have been betrayed. That I just dont know what to do. So i guess ill do as I always do(with woman) and let her walk all over me untill I get so feed up that I tell her to leave

smoothy · Nov 3, 2009, 05:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doorman01

Well, we talked last night after the boy went to bed. The short stiry is that she told me she is anxious or nervous when she thinks about it with me. I have no idea why and she could not give an answer as to why. She told me she needed time to figure it out.(even though I have already given her a month with no results)She told me that she hasent even wanted to play with herself, I told her good that she need not want to anyway, when she has the man that loves her anytime she wants. She got mad at that cause I told her I did not want her to do it, because she should want to share that with me. I asked why she could not do that one little thing for me. when I treat her like a queen and do everything for her. She told me why cant I stop wanting sex! i dont have real high expectations as far as sex goes but I dont think 3 or4 times a month is unreasonable, But she tells me she doesent know why we have to do it once a month. The conversation ended as it normaly does with her being tired and not wanting to talk about it anymore with nothing getting done. Im so confused, upset, angry, I feel like I have been betrayed. That I just dont know what to do. So i guess ill do as I always do(with woman) and let her walk all over me untill I get so feed up that I tell her to leave

You need to get her into councelling....as a couple. Maybe she has a depression thing going on or something else, but if she isn't willing to do something about it then I see no way for this relationship to go forward. If you wanted to be celibate then you don't need her living with you.

You are aware that depending on your local laws if you live together long enough then you legally have a common law marriage. And she has the rights to alimony and everything a regular wife would have. A good point to remember that many forget.

Cat1864 · Nov 3, 2009, 06:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doorman01

Well, we talked last night after the boy went to bed. The short stiry is that she told me she is anxious or nervous when she thinks about it with me. I have no idea why and she could not give an answer as to why. She told me she needed time to figure it out.(even though I have already given her a month with no results)She told me that she hasent even wanted to play with herself, I told her good that she need not want to anyway, when she has the man that loves her anytime she wants. She got mad at that cause I told her I did not want her to do it, because she should want to share that with me. I asked why she could not do that one little thing for me. when I treat her like a queen and do everything for her. She told me why cant I stop wanting sex! i dont have real high expectations as far as sex goes but I dont think 3 or4 times a month is unreasonable, But she tells me she doesent know why we have to do it once a month. The conversation ended as it normaly does with her being tired and not wanting to talk about it anymore with nothing getting done. Im so confused, upset, angry, I feel like I have been betrayed. That I just dont know what to do. So i guess ill do as I always do(with woman) and let her walk all over me untill I get so feed up that I tell her to leave

This relationship is four months old. How long ago did she she move in with you? I am guessing about one month ago since you said that you have given it a month.

A red flag that she is stressed out is that she isn't thinking sexually right now, in any way. You think it is a good thing that she doesn't even have the desire to masturbate? That she should masturbate to please you or not do it because she has a male?

You need to remember that for most women sexual arousal begins in the brain. If we are stressed out about anything (including having sex) it is extremely difficult to think about 'giving it up'. She has a young son. She just moved to new place and has no friends close by to give her support that only a friend can. She started a new job that has new hours and requirements for her to get used to. Her mind is probably all over the place.

If she had moved in and wasn't working then you might say that she was using you. Did you move her in just to have a bed buddy?

I think you both would benefit from counseling. There are red flags waving for the way both of you seem to think about sex and relationships.

doorman01 · Nov 3, 2009, 06:09 AM

Very true never thought of that, I will try and see if we can do counsiling or something along those lines. The only thing that gets me is why she would say that she is all the sudden nervous or anxious about sex. I dont know if maybe she is testing me to see if I will stay true to her or what. But its really eating me up inside.

doorman01 · Nov 3, 2009, 06:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

This relationship is four months old. How long ago did she she move in with you? I am guessing about one month ago since you said that you have given it a month.

A red flag that she is stressed out is that she isn't thinking sexually right now, in any way. You think it is a good thing that she doesn't even have the desire to masturbate? That she should masturbate to please you or not do it because she has a male?

You need to remember that for most women sexual arousal begins in the brain. If we are stressed out about anything (including having sex) it is extremely difficult to think about 'giving it up'. She has a young son. She just moved to new place and has no friends close by to give her support that only a friend can. She started a new job that has new hours and requirements for her to get used to. Her mind is probably all over the place.

If she had moved in and wasn't working then you might say that she was using you. Did you move her in just to have a bed buddy?

I think you both would benefit from counseling. There are red flags waving for the way both of you seem to think about sex and relationships.

She has been living with me for about a month and a half now. I guess your right I never though of it that way. I guess ill just keep doin what im doin, by giving her the space she wants and not buggin her about sex. I really do love her she can be the sweetist woman I have ever meet. She likes most all the things I do, She work on trucks w/ me goes bowling with me. I guess im just being selfish about the whole thing and just need to give her time to adjust to the new atomsphere!

Cat1864 · Nov 3, 2009, 06:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doorman01

Very true never thought of that, I will try and see if we can do counsiling or something along those lines. The only thing that gets me is why she would say that she is all the sudden nervous or anxious about sex. I dont know if maybe she is testing me to see if I will stay true to her or what. But its really eating me up inside.

It could be that she feels very vulnerable right now and not stable. For a lot of women, huge life changes can bring thoughts of what happens if I get pregnant (no form of birth control is 100% effective) and that can translate to anxiousness and nervousness about sex.

When you first got together she was okay where she was with her own place and had only her son to worry about, now, she is living under someone else's roof with an inherent fear of what happens if.... She may not even realize those thoughts are there.

Counseling should help her get rid of past baggage and for both of you to understand where some of her fears are coming from.

doorman01 · Nov 3, 2009, 08:25 AM

Thanks "CAT"

sylvan_1998 · Nov 4, 2009, 08:00 AM

I think maybe you are too accessable for her. You are there all the time, you cater to all she needs, and you love her. She probably does not feel worthy.

This as I see it is all on her. You are great to be so attentive. But as said earlier, there were signs as in what she said about sex being a too.

If you decide to stay in this, and you do deserve better, then you might try just going out to a movie with out her, going somewhere where she just sits at home with 2 yo. She will probably jump your bones when you get back. It may take 4 outings for every jump.

I would suggest she and you get some counciling as she needs to know she is worthy of someone like you and to trust you are not just there to hurt her.

Just my two cents