At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
I am new to this site and I joined thinking that maybe I could get some answers to my problem, which I am too embarassed to discuss with anyone I know.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. When we first started dating, we had sex all the time (which is usually the case when you meet someone new).
About a year or so ago we got a dog....she was a 2 month old puppy when we adopted her so she required a lot of attention and care. When we would both get home at night, instead of cuddling on the couch and being intimate, we would dedicate all our time to this new member of the family.
Weeks turned into months and now it has been a little over a year and I can honestly say that within this time we have only had sex maybe 10 times. It started with the dog, but I feel that it has turned into something else.
When we HAVE had sex, it turns into something awkward, not romantic. I am to the point where I am almost dreading it because it now feels strange.
I really need some help or opinions on this. I love my boyfriend to death, and I know he loves me too, but I don't want to continue on this path.
Perhaps counseling is in order.....your relationship was neglected by both of you. Perhaps you need the perspective of a third person to get your focus back where it needs to be.
I love dogs...I'm a dog person. But there is no dog that is so important that it should drain the life out of your relationship. Heck...its not a kid after all.
A study shows that the excitement of a new sexual relationship wans around year two of the relationship. Both of you have persevered two additional years, in a holding pattern, with awkward sex per your assessment. Let me make a few observations.
First of all, you are in a position of getting married or breaking up. Taking it to another level, marriage and improved sex, or moving on.
You love each other, but do you both want to make changes to take your relationship to carry it forward?? Each of you are undecided or whatever.
You are comfortable with each other. Do you want this relationship for the rest of your life?
I think you both are at the crossroads. You need to talk frankly about your feelings and the future, and I think the help of a couples counsellor is needed so you keep focused, on topic and not accusatory so you don't deteriorate into rancor. In addition, discuss the feelings behind the sexual failure of the relationship.
its common, when in love, to feel like you want to love him forever. ive had several great loves in my life... and i could have married any of them (though most would have ended in disaster). unfortunately, wanting something and having the right thing arent always the same.
man... am i a downer or what???
that said... all isnt lost.
many relationships go through the struggle of "been there, done that"... sex is so exciting at first because it is so new with that person. you dont know how they look when making love. you dont know how they smell, how they taste, you dont know if they scream or if they claw at you. its pretty powerful stuff.
after some time, you start to know. doesnt mean its bad... just means the edge is taken off. i know what my lover likes. i know exactly what it takes to make her gasp, make her grab at me. i also know all the "unknowns"... meaning the mystery is gone somewhat.
so.... how is it im ten years into a relationship that i think is still reasonably sexually active, especially with the challenges of a child in the house (cant exactly get naked by the fireplace for three hours after work)?
its communication. and finding middle ground.
if there is one thing ive learned, as much as im a prototypical guy who doesnt want to discuss things over and over and over... its that communication is key in several areas for a long term relationship.
you need to talk about sex, talk about money, talk about goals, talk about faith (or not), talk about what is right and talk about what is wrong.
even the best relationships take work. im in a great marriage, but youd better believe there are times that my word is all i have to keep me in it. that, and the fact im willing to try to work it out.
so... there are a lot of reasons why libido falls off. it can be the been there done that thing i mentioned. it can be stress. it can be physical health. it can be laziness. ive been in a rut due to all of these.
so talk to him. or try a different angle... my partner and i have read over a dozen books on sex and sensuality. buy one... for ex, the latest one i read, after her, was "she comes first"... its about how a womans body is generally wired and how a man can please her...
its not perfect... but my partner read a little of it at barnes and noble and said, out loud, "this guy know how to go down on a girl"... to which i said "really? let me see that"...
bought it on amazon that night, and i can tell you, like most books ive read, it mentally got me thinking... made me wonder how i could push her over the edge, made me take more time going down on her, made me understand better how the female physically is innervated...
point is, it was a way to think and talk and try out new things about sex.
do some relationships hit a rut? yes. is sexual compatability important? i think so.
all you can do is all you can do. talk to him. give him some places to start. after that... if he isnt attentive or willing to try, then its time to back off or accept it as it is. you dont get to stay and complain after that, but you dont have to suffer a sexless relationship if he isnt willing to satisfy you.
its common, when in love, to feel like you want to love him forever. ive had several great loves in my life... and i could have married any of them (though most would have ended in disaster). unfortunately, wanting something and having the right thing arent always the same.
man... am i a downer or what???
that said... all isnt lost.
many relationships go through the struggle of "been there, done that"... sex is so exciting at first because it is so new with that person. you dont know how they look when making love. you dont know how they smell, how they taste, you dont know if they scream or if they claw at you. its pretty powerful stuff.
after some time, you start to know. doesnt mean its bad... just means the edge is taken off. i know what my lover likes. i know exactly what it takes to make her gasp, make her grab at me. i also know all the "unknowns"... meaning the mystery is gone somewhat.
so.... how is it im ten years into a relationship that i think is still reasonably sexually active, especially with the challenges of a child in the house (cant exactly get naked by the fireplace for three hours after work)?
its communication. and finding middle ground.
if there is one thing ive learned, as much as im a prototypical guy who doesnt want to discuss things over and over and over... its that communication is key in several areas for a long term relationship.
you need to talk about sex, talk about money, talk about goals, talk about faith (or not), talk about what is right and talk about what is wrong.
even the best relationships take work. im in a great marriage, but youd better believe there are times that my word is all i have to keep me in it. that, and the fact im willing to try to work it out.
so... there are a lot of reasons why libido falls off. it can be the been there done that thing i mentioned. it can be stress. it can be physical health. it can be laziness. ive been in a rut due to all of these.
so talk to him. or try a different angle... my partner and i have read over a dozen books on sex and sensuality. buy one... for ex, the latest one i read, after her, was "she comes first"... its about how a womans body is generally wired and how a man can please her...
its not perfect... but my partner read a little of it at barnes and noble and said, out loud, "this guy know how to go down on a girl"... to which i said "really? let me see that"...
bought it on amazon that night, and i can tell you, like most books ive read, it mentally got me thinking... made me wonder how i could push her over the edge, made me take more time going down on her, made me understand better how the female physically is innervated...
point is, it was a way to think and talk and try out new things about sex.
do some relationships hit a rut? yes. is sexual compatability important? i think so.
all you can do is all you can do. talk to him. give him some places to start. after that... if he isnt attentive or willing to try, then its time to back off or accept it as it is. you dont get to stay and complain after that, but you dont have to suffer a sexless relationship if he isnt willing to satisfy you.
You are the real sexpert here on this site...now I know who to go to when I'm in desperate need of some sexvice
The reason you have been able to keep your sex life strong for ten years is because you actually care about how to please a woman and not just yourself, like a lot of men.
and theres a number of ways to approach it. if you think hed take your giving him a book about sex as a slap in the face, get it for yourself...
if he asks what you are reading tell him its a book about sex that can help a woman understand her body better... which it is... then read it and leave it around. if he picks it up, he is at least interested. if he doesnt... it doesnt mean he isnt interested outright... but maybe a book isnt the thing for him... so youll need to find other avenues.
even if thats the case, reading a few books about sex and sensuality can at least get you thinking about yourself and how youd like him to engage the relationship... then you just need to work out how to get him involved.
Ok, all of the previous advice is great, but....let's try something a little different here. If you truly enjoy sex with your man, act like it! Don't let him be the one who has to broach the topic (or act) of sex! Take the bull by the horns, and do what you want with it. Everyone, even men, wants to feel wanted, so here's a suggestion: Next time he is just sitting around watching tv or cooking or whatever he may be doing, sit in his lap, and start caressing him with your tongue. Go from his ear, to his neck, to his nipple, and then to his pubic hairline. He will get aroused, but don't stop there. Take his penis in your mouth and make him not only feel wanted, but make him want you! When you are ready, put his fingers on your clitoris to get you going, and then ride him, ride him, ride him. Spontaneous actions are the key! He will get the picture, and one day do the same to you! Create that spark girl!
I think relationships change and you become more friends than lovers but its not the end of romance. Now its time to find out what really turns you on and him. Talk about sex dont just try to do it. Find out his fetish tell him yours instead of trying to regain romance work on filling desires for one another. This is a point in the relationship where you keep your best friend and make him your lover or you split. Work on talking about sex the newness is gone the romance has faded(for now) so talk now. And for the record i've been there and it sucks and yes its easier said than done. Its time to find common ground.
Linear Mode
