I am a 25 year old closeted and completely straight acting gay man. Apparently I am sexually attracted to my straight male friend since the day I met him and every time I see him I get sexually aroused and want to have sex with him. I canít imagine having sex with anyone else because I keep fantasizing about him. My daily life has been completely disturbed and I canít even concentrate on my college studies.
He has been my friend for the last three years. Although I don't consider him as one of my best friends because there are a few things that I don't like about him or may be because my other best friends are a way more helpful and caring than he is.
It all started about three years ago when we became friends and since the first day I had a crush on him. And I also thought that he was sexually attracted me too because whenever we met he would hug me like my all other straight friends but the only difference was that he would sometimes also kiss me on the side of my neck while he hugs and sometimes calls me sexy in front of other friends which I pretended to take it as a joke like other straight guys. But deep inside I thought he liked me and is sexually attracted to me and maybe he is gay or bisexual. He is 24 year old and not married and doesnít have a girl friend. Although at this age having no girlfriend is a normal thing in our society because most of my other young straight friends donít even have girl friends yet but they do talk about admiring a good looking girl. But this friend of mine doesnít even talk about admiring girls. Therefore to figure out his sexual orientation I sneaked into his laptop files and I managed to find out that he watches straight porn. But I was still not convinced that he is straight because most of the gay guys also watch straight porn just like me.
Therefore I started to make physical moves on him and asked him to come to my house every weekend to watch movies as I live alone in a single bedroom house. We used to lie in the same bed and watch movies on my laptop until midnight and then he would leave for his home soon after we finish watching movie but he never stayed overnight at my home despite the fact that I always insisted him to stay overnight which he always refused. He had always asked me to give him a neck massage and stroke his head while we watched movie. I always enjoyed giving him a neck massage because it turned me on. While I would do the neck massage I would also rub his chest and I would kiss him on his cheek two or three times during the whole movie time which he seemed OK with and I noticed that he liked it because he didnít always stopped me or said anything verbally but sometimes he managed to avoid my kiss by moving face to the other side. At one time I tried to kiss him on the lips which he again managed to avoid but turning his face to the other side but did not say anything verbally and kept quite. This entire thing had happened very often during the whole three years but I could not make any further moves other than kissing on cheek and stroking his head because I was afraid to disclose that I am gay and being a closeted gay none of my other friends know about my sexual orientation. I am not afraid of losing him as a friend but I donít want to disclose my sexuality to anybody who is not gay. Although at many occasions I insisted him to let me give him a massage on the bare shoulders and the upper back body which he refused by saying that he doesnít like removing his shirt in front of me because he is shy.
During all this time he definitely knew that I liked him in a different way and I wanted to get intimate with him but he kept ignoring me. I also indirectly tried to tell him that my feelings for him are different from feelings that normal friends have for each other but I didnít explain it very clearly that I am gay. I think he liked spending his weekend nights with me because he would visit me every weekend even though I never asked him to come over and despite my failed attempts to get intimate with him he still kept visiting me but I wonder why!
At many occasions during these three years I came to a conclusion that he is neither gay nor bisexual and he is only straight and want to spend time with me as a normal friend only. But my problem is that I am a gay and I canít resist my feelings towards him and I canít spend time with him like a straight friend because I have feelings for him as a gay. Therefore about three or four times during these three years I had stopped speaking and meeting him for months but he kept insisting me to invite him over and asked me the reason why I donít speak to him and never answer his calls which I replied with an excuse that I donít want to be friends with him because I donít like him and he wastes my time and interrupts with my studies but I didnít tell him the actual reason. And then eventually I met him again and again because I could not help it.
But now it has come to the point that I am desperate to have sex with him. Once I tried to cuddle him in the bed while we watched movie but he managed to escape my attempt which made me embarrassed. But I had kept on trying to do so because I wanted to figure out whether he has the same feeling for me or not. I also told him that I donít like it when he refuses to stay overnight with me but he replies by making an excuse that he has trouble sleeping outside his house or he is not able to go to sleep other than on his own bed.
But today I am very confused that If he doesnít like to get intimate with me then why does he not tell me straightaway that my attempts to have sex with him makes him feel disgusting or whatever. Despite my failed attempts to cuddle him why does he never tell me to stop doing it? Why does he still want to spend time with me when I keep ignoring his phone calls and donít want to speak to him? If he is gay or Bi then why does he not stay overnight in my bed. I am sure that by now he knows that how I feel about him and what I want from him then why does he not accept me or reject me. I also think that he is selfish and a mean friend because at many occasions he had borrowed some money from me which he never returned and keeps asking for more therefore I think he is a gold digger and is only using me for his financial needs.
Could anybody please tell me how to sort out this situation? I keep thinking about him all the time and my condition is getting worst day by day. I donít want to disclose my sexual orientation to him because I am straight acting and closeted gay. But I also want to find out whether he has the same feeling for me or not.