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My wife and I have been together for going on 5 years now. I am currently in the military and serving a tour in Afghanistan. When I went through Fort Riley, KS, 2 other guys and myself went to an all nude strip club called temptations, this is the very first time I have done something like that since we have been together. It was a spur of the moment decision and I really wasn't thinking. The bad thing is, I tried to hide the fact that I went from my wife and she found out by one of my bank statements in the mail.
My wife has lost all trust in me no matter how long ago it was and how many times I apologize to her. I went home on mid tour leave and we are still extremely sexually active, but she doesn't want to consider what we have a marriage and continues to say things like "she has the most hatred for me than anyone else she knows" and it makes me really upset.
It has been almost a year since the incident and she is still upset about the whole ordeal. I don't know what else to do to make her realize that I am sorry and I don't want to ever do it again because it has caused her so much hurt and anguish.
I didn't read any posts...just a quick reply. She might be dealing with trust issues...you two are great distances apart and she has no idea what is going on. She trusted you up till this point but you have done everything to rectify the situation and she still is persistent on not letting it go. There is only so much you can do to apologize and make things better. Giving her love and reassurance appears not to be enough. It is a serious issue for her if she isn't letting it go a year after the fact...if this is causing a major wedge in your marriage now then she needs to seek some sort of counseling to deal with trust issues. Sometimes women have more issues with the "dishonest" part and then begin to have trust issues.
How much is the tab? Was it a large amount? She may be thinking that you didn't just "look" at the girls...the best thing you can do is listen to her since we are so emotional (sometimes annoying)...honestly, she should have let it go a year later especially if your loving, affectionate and caring. If she chooses to stay then she should choose to move past it...punishing you on a continues basis will not bring you future success or happiness in your marriage. You will eventually resent her as she does you and it won't be happily ever after. Seek professional help.
She will never forgive you, because she thinks if she does, you will do it again, so she keeps the guilt going. Thats her problem, not yours to be guilty about.
Personally I would care less if she forgave me, or not, she would just have to get over it.
She has other issues besides trust, and thats the face she puts on it, but there is more here on her part, and its fear. She is afraid.
Can't blame her, your a soldier in service to your country (thanks for that.) Its enough to be afraid when your gone, and its add more fear when your here.
Thats all good but just understand that using her fear to hit you over the head is not fair, or acceptable, after all this time, so stand up for yourself and tell her you love her, but get over herself.
I would have to agree with you on that. We have been together so long though, she knows me inside and out. She says that I am a changed person now that I made that huge mistake. That she doesn't know me anymore. I've actually tried to find her a male strip club to go to and maybe it may change her views on the whole situation.
When I am home, I am with her everyday, she knows where I am at all the time and I tell her everything that I am doing.
First I would like to thank you for the service of our great country. May GOD keep you safe.
Your wife thinks that you "have changed"? Well, you have, right?
Have you not seen death and destruction? Possibly even killed?
John Wayne said in one of his movies(Alamo I think) when he was explaining why he was having a punching contest with his men before the Alamo.: "To get lard, you have to boil the hog".
Naked women (men for the women) are, and always been, a part of being a soldier, have they not?
The same goes with profanity, I'm sure, F@!$%$# - A !
Tell her that you went with the flow, to give you a BREAK , and that you only have eyes for her.
Then go to counseling, because she needs some major help with her insecurities.
At this point it is not so much about the incident as it is something else. Even when you take into consideration all the circumstances involved especially not being together on a regular basis thus the 'feeling of hurt' remains unresolved.
I also agree with Tal and Ex, that after a year of facing this guilt and not being able to reach a suitable resolution is unacceptable. It is now, in my opinion, a matter of control, she apparently likes to have you grovelling and this empowers her. Not a position that enjoys any longevity in a good relationship, not productive in any way.
It is time to make a personal evaluation of your future with her. Being subservient is not conducive to a healthy marriage, for either party.
Time for a search for your backbone (in this matter- not a reference to your courage), enough time has passed and you have apologized enough. The particulars of the indecent, at this point, are not the issue now. As I said, I believe that control is.
Time to 'face up.' You will feel better and it may well help resolve this. I feel that it is past time to draw that 'line in the sand' Christofanman and balance things.
And thank you sir, your service is appreciated and respected by me and I am sure by all the members here.
Honestly, I think it's fine for a guy to go to a strip club! My boyfriend and I sometimes for fun. It does bother me when he goes and I'm not there because he spends so much money. It makes a woman feel like they cant do it for you. I told my boyfriend that I can be his personal stripper and he liked that a lot better. It just makes them feel like they arent as good as those girls. But you got to see it from her point of view. FORGIVE BUT DONT FORGET one quote i hate but i still live by.
The clubs make their money by charging customers a $10 cover charge and $5 for soft drinks, and charging dancers $130 for each shift they work. The dancers make their "rent" back by performing private dances during which they frequently negotiate sex acts in exchange for money, according to investigators. Dancers arrested for prostitution at one club were often sent to work at another.
My advice. If you guys are otherwise getting along and she isn't bringing it up, then you should stop asking for forgiveness and stop bringing it up yourself. In time, it will become part of your past and if you continue to be honest with her, then her trust WILL return. I also agree that some of this is a reflection of her fears for you in other aspects.
Unless you really want to root around deeply in all this and go to counseling, I would let this go. Marriages aren't perfect and I don't think you have an absolute right to demand 100% forgiveness. She's being honest in saying it still bothers her. Honor that and leave it alone. You may want some closure on this, but, well, you aren't going to get it, in my opinion, and all you can do by bringing it up is force a confrontation that isn't good for either of you, your marriage, or you child.
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