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My wife and I have been together for going on 5 years now. I am currently in the military and serving a tour in Afghanistan. When I went through Fort Riley, KS, 2 other guys and myself went to an all nude strip club called temptations, this is the very first time I have done something like that since we have been together. It was a spur of the moment decision and I really wasn't thinking. The bad thing is, I tried to hide the fact that I went from my wife and she found out by one of my bank statements in the mail.
My wife has lost all trust in me no matter how long ago it was and how many times I apologize to her. I went home on mid tour leave and we are still extremely sexually active, but she doesn't want to consider what we have a marriage and continues to say things like "she has the most hatred for me than anyone else she knows" and it makes me really upset.
It has been almost a year since the incident and she is still upset about the whole ordeal. I don't know what else to do to make her realize that I am sorry and I don't want to ever do it again because it has caused her so much hurt and anguish.
First I would like to say Thank you for serving our country..2ndly..OOPS!and 3rdly in my opinion she may never let it go and she may never forgive you.Do you have children together?
You are right, she may never forgive me, but there is always hope right? We enjoy the sex together, she just doesn't want to call our relationship a marriage even though we are still married, because of what I did. She says she doesn't want to get too attached, but we already are. We have been together for a long time and have a little daughter together.
It would be a nightmare to cut off everything that we have together,
Hello again, Chris:
Maybe I misjudged you. There are two kinds of men in the world: thems who like to be dominated, and thems who don't. If you're in the first group, I'll go away now. I'm a second group guy.
It just wouldn't work for me.. Now, I wouldn't just cut and run. I'd TRY to negotiate a solution... But, if she doesn't inherently TRUST you, I don't think there IS a solution.
This is NOT about strip clubs anyway.. It's about whether she feels worthy of your love. People who have to WATCH to insure they're loved, wouldn't believe they're loved no matter what.
I don't think this is a huge mistake - and I'm a woman. But that is just me.
I agree with everything Excon says.
And as far as the sex between you being good - I've had great sex with people I just about hated so I don't think the great sex = great relationship equation works.
I couldn't/wouldn't stay in a relationship there was no trust and I was constantly proving myself.
I worked as a cocktail waitress, in costume - interesting profession - while putting myself through college. To a certain extent your wife is right - there are a lot of pigs out there. There are also a lot of guys who simply follow the crowd - their friends are going, so they go. There are also guys who simply want to have a drink and be waited on by someone in a bikini. That's how life is.
I think she's over reacting and you are listening to and experiencing her insecurities coming out.
And if it's an issue of trust - well, that's a whole other question.
Lie to my once, shame on you. Lie to me twice, shame on me. But, again, I couldn't live with having to prove myself every day.
Was she this paranoid before you married her? If she was why did you marry her?
As far as going to a strip club.....big deal. Looking at women dance nude is NOT the same as picking up a hooker.
Its no different than the difference between her reading a romance novel or watching many soap operas and going out and picking a guy up.
Looking is one thing...touching is another. And besides.....has she told you everything she has done, everyone she has talked to, everyplace she went, everything she bought? I'll bet not.
As was mentioned....unless you get off on being dominated, keep in mind you can have great sex with a lot of women....not all but many of them. You ALSO can have a better relationship too.
Its cheaper and less agrivating to get a hooker when you need sex. At least you don't have to put up with her crap the rest of the time.
Relationships or marriages aren't about just sex....its about the inbetween time too. If they are giving you non-stop crap....then why are you keeping them around?
And its damn cheaper to get rid of one at 5 years than it is after 10 years or more.....doubt me talk to someone in your unit thats been divorced. Past a certain number of years...she is entitled to half your pension.... you won't get away free right now but if you arebn't happy its best to resolve it sooner than later.
And besides all of that....Hell you are in Afganistan, with what you are dealing with every day....I personally think you have the right to see a naked woman every so often. You aren't sleeping with them.
This is not going to be a popular response either, but your wife is a princess.
This is not about you, about the strip club or about infidelity. This is about her and her creating an ongoing drama around something that she could have let go of ages ago.
Ask yourself - why won't she forgive you? Why does she keep bringing it up and making you feel guilty? Why does she behave as if you have betrayed her? Why would she still be holding on to this after a year??
Because she can. Because she is unwilling to let go of something that keeps you apologizing, pleading with her to forgive you, telling her how wonderful, beautiful (add whatever other adjective you wish), etc, etc, she is.
She's a princess and she needs to get over it. Stop with the apologizing. Stop with the everything around this issue. Next time she brings it up let her know you've talked about it enough, you've explained yourself and apologized and that as far as you're concerned the subject is closed.
Let her know that if she wishes to talk about it more, it will need to be with a counselor present, so she can look at why she can't let it go.
Princesses sometimes need a firm hand. Start setting the boundaries.
I spoke to my wife about this last night, she knows on the odd cocassion I go to strip clubs with my mates, and she is fine with that
She did make one comment though, she said,
"Your human you make mistakes, your a man and you make more than most"
The point is, if nothing happened other than looking, and you were ashamed of doing so, shows you care about her feelings to think it would upset her, lied about it, and then felt ashamed about that
All in all, you made a mistake, nothing more nothing less, as Gemini states, maybe she needs to see that is all it was
How long after your night out did she find out? How long were you lying to her before she read the banking statement? Did you try to lie after that?
Part of the problem I see is that you and she were and are in a long distance relationship. It's not like you go home every night or even every weekend or month. Realistically, before the strip club and since she found out, how much time have you spent in the same location as she is?
You both are in a difficult position that a lot of military spouses are. The amount of trust has to be extremely high to begin with because you know going into the relationship that you will be spending long months at a time apart. You have to completely trust that your mate will stay loyal to your marriage no matter what temptations may present themselves.
A visit to a strip club where 'nothing' happened may seem minor to most people, however, you obviously knew that it would upset her because you lied. That lie just adds more fuel to her insecurities of wondering if her husband like many other military personnel before him has found a 'playmate' where he is stationed.
I would suggest that if she wants to rebuild her trust in you and the marriage that she seeks counseling to find out why she feels as strongly as she does and how to let those feelings go. She needs to heal her own hurt so that when you return both of you can go to marriage counseling and move forward.
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