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    lovergirl247's Avatar
    lovergirl247 Posts: 73, Reputation: 10
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    #1

    Dec 11, 2008, 01:45 PM
    Starving for attention
    Hello,
    I am very new to this site. I have been on forums before so I am rather familiar. I guess I should start the issue.

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. In the last 2 years he has told me that he wants to have a child with me. (I have three children from a previous relationship). Since this was discussed and I agreed I have tried to seduce him on the most proper time of the month to conceive. Last night as an example is my fertile time. I tried to initiate sex in a very sexy yet loving way. He pushed me aside. I felt terribly unwanted and very pushed aside. I am still trying with him. Sex doesn't seem to be as important to him in our relationship than it is to me. I am sexual and yet require intimacy most of all. Knowing that intimacy doesn't always mean sex he thinks it does. I have starved and am starving for affection and attention. And have even been jealous of our dog as it seems she is getting what I am starving for. I have tried talking with him about this in a very non confrontational way but it turns out that way. He in turn is the confronter. Using this to point out my flaws and my downfalls. I have heard him repeat over and over again that he doesn't want to talk about this. He actually doesn't want to talk about much of anything. I have feelings and when they are hurt and he is the one that hurt them I tell him. I am afraid that if I keep talking it will push him away. But I have been pushed so far away that if I don't talk I feel I will walk right out the door. We got into a big fight the other night and one of the things he said to me was that he no longer wants to have a baby with me. I cried and cried hard. It meant so much to me that he wanted me to have his baby, that it hurt so bad when he said he didn't want it anymore.

    I am struggling with communication. He yells at me all the time and tells me how wrong I am. I can't have my own feelings without him taking them and using them as his own in one way or another. I use "I" statements instead of "You" statements and that still doesn't work. I need to communicate my feelings to him but I don't want to be yelled at or told that my feelings are silly. He discounts me and my decisions. Makes me feel as though my judgements are wrong and that he is the only RIGHT one here. He was raised by his father who was very strict and showed very little love. He even tries to instill his upbringing on my children now. We have lived together this whole time. Myself esteem is very low. I have tried sharing this with him to no avail. I have spoken to my girlfriend about it and she seems to be the only one that brings me up. When I finally feel confident again to speak my mind and try to have sex with my man it turns into a fight or I am now in the livingroom crying because I feel unsatisfied and frustrated. Help me talk to him. He hasn't showered in weeks either. So I am beginning to think that he is suffering from some sort of depression. I want to be with him and long for his affection.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
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    #2

    Dec 11, 2008, 02:12 PM
    You are trying to have a baby with a guy that isn't important enough to be married to first??

    I see a real issue with priorities here... First of which having a kid should not be priority #1 without a wedding. Or a real commitment.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #3

    Dec 12, 2008, 06:57 AM

    You need to get OUT!

    He's not good to you, girl.

    Get out, get counseling, and make this jerk wake up and realize that he's not the center of ANY universe, especially yours.
    lovergirl247's Avatar
    lovergirl247 Posts: 73, Reputation: 10
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    #4

    Dec 12, 2008, 11:40 AM

    I don't want to leave him I actually do want him to wake up and see what he has here. He told me not to worry about work that he would take care of me and my kids so he confuses me with all the things that he says. He came home last night and said he was leaving but not at 3 in the morning and then 5 minutes later says he loves me and won't leave me and then makes me feel really bad that I turned to our dear friends for help. I had no where else to go and he turned his friends advice which was "you need to tell her the truth" stop stringing her along. You should put her up in the tallest part of the tree because you should love her that much to do that. Then my boyfriend comes home and says that I lied to my friends. I am so stretched out with this that I am losing sight of what is really important. My love for him was showed everyday. All the time. And I feel abandoned now.
    bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE's Avatar
    bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE Posts: 1,051, Reputation: 112
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    #5

    Dec 12, 2008, 11:46 AM

    Dearest lovergirl247,

    As I read your post, I got teary-eyed. You and I are in the same EXACT boat; no detail left out.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #6

    Dec 12, 2008, 12:03 PM
    I know you don't want to leave him, you want him to open up, be the attentive lover you need.

    I wish it worked like that.

    You get the respect you demand for yourself, and sometimes you don't even get that.

    I had to walk away from two big loves, one relationship of 6+ years, and another of over two... I didn't want to. I didn't like it. But I demanded more for myself.

    I know its complicated because you have kids... but you do get to choose. If you choose to stay with a man who is unattentive and controlling for the "stability" of "something is better than nothing"... well, that's your choice. And if you decide to leave for the need of something more, even if there's no guarantee that you will find better, again, that's your choice.

    You get to own either decision. Neither is easy. But you need to make a decision and come to some sort of peace with it.

    For ex, my sex drive is higher than my mates. She isn't ready for sex when I am most primed (night). Physical touch is one of the lower needs she has, where it is one of my top needs. There are times when I'm frustrated, when I vent, when I stomp around... but for the most part, I think we've found some sort of middle ground, even if I did most of the conceding... at some point I just had to accept that if I stayed, I did it without excessive expectations of things changing.

    So...

    I don't think this guy is good to you or good for you.

    He isn't taking care of you and your kids the way he needs to if he wants to be a productive, loving part of your family. And your kids are exposed to a man who is not that good of a role model.

    Sex and intimacy are not all there is to a relationship. But there are plenty of women who write in here, ten or more years into a marriage, miserable and alone because they feel trapped... married to a "good guy but"... with "but" meaning there is some fundamental need not being met... and if you have the answer for how to make a man change... there are plenty of women who need your help.

    I have no good answer, other than to step back and step away and make him see you are not under his thumb.

    There's an old saying about frustration between the sexes... that a man marries a woman thinking she will never change, yet she does... and a woman marries a man thinking he will change with her, yet he never does.

    Sure... generalizations are always flawed... but I do think expecting this guy to have a fundamental paradigm shift, especially when he is reflecting his own upbringing... I think you get the man in front of you... maybe a few "tweeks" here and there can be done... but I don't think you can expect a very different life without him being forced to fundamentally change... which usually requires drastic action.

    Some women get furious after divorcing, as the men they leave sometimes become the men they needed to have all along.

    Sorry you are in this spot.
    lovergirl247's Avatar
    lovergirl247 Posts: 73, Reputation: 10
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    #7

    Dec 12, 2008, 04:07 PM

    I outrage. I have tried so many different tactics at communicating. Being sincere and understanding to no avail. Getting upset and showing anger about the situation to no avail. For a while now I outrage with actually throwing fits. Screaming and yelling and even throwing and breaking things. I am THAT frustrated. I decided today though that he can come back... I want him to but there is a condition... he has to change to walk through my door. I put a lot into this relationship and actually expected nothing in return and in expecting that I got exactally that... NOTHING! After 4 years I thought he would have conformed to a man that has a family that he needs to take care of... he is so selfish and self centered. He comes first. Those are his exact words. I love him though and can find the reasons, but what I need he can't give and I feel lost and helpless... my heart hurts... how can I get nothing when I feel I have given everything? How can any person feel comfortable and happy with treating people this way? I am scared and lonely.
    simoneaugie's Avatar
    simoneaugie Posts: 2,490, Reputation: 438
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    #8

    Dec 12, 2008, 04:37 PM

    He does not choose to fully see that his actions and lack of action is having a negative impact. He is choosing to only hear his own voice, the voice of his past. He does not see you or the situation in its full aspect. You can't fix his past. You can't change him now unless he agrees to change.

    Where does that leave you besides frustrated and lonely? Where does it leave your kids for whom you are responsible? You have to make a choice. Stay in the current situation and accept less than you want or leave, or make him leave.

    How can a person be given your all and not see it or appreciate the sacrifices you have made for him? He has blinders on and no one but him can take them off.
    Kickprivate's Avatar
    Kickprivate Posts: 18, Reputation: 7
    New Member
     
    #9

    Dec 12, 2008, 05:50 PM
    Don't you get it? You are trying to empty water out of a boat with to many holes. So I ask you this, are you really in love or scared of loneliness?
    Choux's Avatar
    Choux Posts: 3,047, Reputation: 376
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    #10

    Dec 12, 2008, 06:10 PM

    You are going to have to grow up, girl. Life isn't a soap opera. YOu sound like you want to be "in love" in your fantasy world, abused and used... instead of being happy. That's indicated sickness.

    The reality is that the man is tired of you and your needy self. You have children to raise and show good behavior to.

    Get yourself some therapy from a good therapist so you can turn around your life and help your children.

    Best wishes going forward, :)
    twinkiedooter's Avatar
    twinkiedooter Posts: 12,172, Reputation: 1054
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    #11

    Dec 13, 2008, 12:26 PM

    He sounds like a control freak who wants to lie and cheat and tell you anything to get control over you and your emotions. I see a lot of this these days. Guys tell their new girlfriend that they want to have a baby with them. Girl falls for lie and gets pregnant only to have guy refuse to marry them and then just leave them. It's a game, honey, it's a game they play and you've bought into this game hook, line and sinker. Oh, he didn't say he'd marry you, just have another baby (as if you need more kids to take care of). This guy will tell you any fairytale to keep you "in line" so he can do his emotional rollercoaster on you to get his jollies. Run, don't walk to the nearest exit and leave this turd in your dust.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #12

    Dec 13, 2008, 12:36 PM
    I don't want to leave him I actually do want him to wake up and see what he has here
    Its you who need to wake up, and stop rewarding his bad behavior, with your continued attention, and company.

    Takes two partners working together, through honest communications, to have a healthy relationship, so realize its time to let him love his dog, and you stop being his pet.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
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    #13

    Dec 15, 2008, 07:32 AM
    The guy is a jerk... you both are also wrong in thinking having a kid will help anything...

    He isn't going to change any more than you are going to change. Get over him, move on and find someone who is naturally a fit. You can't change someone else to suit you... it never works.
    NewYork123's Avatar
    NewYork123 Posts: 67, Reputation: 8
    Junior Member
     
    #14

    Dec 15, 2008, 09:46 AM

    All of these answers from people are telling you that you can't be with someone that treats you this way! We are all looking from the outside in on your relationship, therefore are the most logical. You are in the relationship so you can't see for yourself how bad it really seems. You need to step outside and really look at what your relationship has become. GET OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP! If not for you, but for your kid's sake. We all know it is hard to do, and that it probably seems impossible, but you can do it if you stay strong. Distract yourself with other activities and meet new men! Have respect for yourself! You deserve better I can tell!
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #15

    Dec 15, 2008, 12:32 PM

    He is a selfish control freak. Trust me it doesn't change, it doesn't get any better. He will never take the blame, he will never see that he is the one in the wrong. He will keep making you feel obligated that you need to make him happy at the expense of your own happiness. I bet he is in denial about a lot of things and he manipulates you a lot even in ways you are not aware of.
    My last boyfriend always said that in a good relationship you each do your own thing and then come home and spend the rest of the evening together. Then, I bought a truck, he wasn't home after work so I would go out. When I would get home he would say things like where were you? We could have made some money so and so wanted us to move a truck load of stuff for him.
    I think it was just him quilting me in a manipulative way to make me feel like I needed to stay home waiting on him.
    Guys are underhanded manipulators and it doesn't get better.
    His saying he wants a kid I think is most likely this because he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear for one.
    normierich's Avatar
    normierich Posts: 17, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #16

    Dec 15, 2008, 03:38 PM

    The primary cornerstone to any relationship is not love, it's respect! A person can 'love' their job, 'love' their car, etc. Whether he loves you or not, that's not the point. The main thing missing here is respect. He has none whatsoever for you, otherwise he would treat you with more dignity. As painful as it seems, get out of this relationship now, because it's not going to get any better!
    SimpleguyJoe's Avatar
    SimpleguyJoe Posts: 302, Reputation: 68
    Full Member
     
    #17

    Dec 16, 2008, 02:20 AM

    Maybe he is going through some sort of midlife crisis or is depressed but the thing of it is you can't help him no matter how much you want to if he won't communicate with you on any level.

    He is mistreating you and abusing your relationship so if you want drastic changes in your relationship you have to consider drastic measures. Don't give him any attention throw him the cold shoulder and see how he likes it.. You have to truly consider leaving this guy and start to make plans for it if you want him to wake up and see what he is about to lose if he can't get his life together.

    Either way keep your chin up and remember that it's YOU that you need to worry about and he should be only a second consideration.
    lovergirl247's Avatar
    lovergirl247 Posts: 73, Reputation: 10
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    #18

    Dec 25, 2008, 01:12 PM

    Well it had been a while since I last posted. Things seemed to be going OK there for a while. He and I actually sat up all night one night talking about things and for a week things were great. He would say I am so happy with you. Here it is Christmas day. And last night instead of spending it with me and my kids he chose and wanted to go drinking with a friend of his. He asked if I wanted to go and I agreed for a short time. I asked in the events of the evening if he could take me to walmart to pick up a gift for my mother. And he threw a fit. Saying I was interfering in HIS plans. I grew angry and basically stated that I was tired of his selfishness. And he replied with I GOING TO LIVE MY OWN LIFE. I said wonderful. Pack up your things and move out because you can't have your cake and eat it too. He left last night and hasn't returned. I thought for a moment that he would have a heart and at least be here for the kids when the opened up gifts from the both of us. But no. He hasn't called either. I gave up. His selfish, selfcentered attitude has pushed me over the edge. I told him that I don't want this for myself or my kids that I actually want to be with someone that really wants to be with me and be with my kids. A friend of his told me that he (my boyfriend) said "If I am not with her, no one else would want to" OUCH! His friend told him "There is someone out there for everyone, and that someone would be more than happy to sit at the table and play card or board games with the kids and that person would love to stay in and be with Debbie, Now you need to make a choice." I was living a life with someone that wasn't willing to make us a part of it. A person that only cared and showed more concern for what he is missing, needs and wants. It wasn't us that he wanted. Too bad it took me 4 years to really get it through my head. I have to lock the doors when I leave for fear he will come in and ransack the place. He has kicked in the door numerous times and its my name that's on this apartment. Would it be wrong of me to call the police if I came home from my mothers for christmas and saw the doors kicked in?? I need help getting through this.
    normierich's Avatar
    normierich Posts: 17, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #19

    Dec 25, 2008, 02:19 PM
    He sound like a cowardly, selfisth momma's boy. If he comes over to your apartment and kicks the door or is otherwise threatening to you, call the police. I'm sure that after one meeting with them he'll never bother you again.
    lovergirl247's Avatar
    lovergirl247 Posts: 73, Reputation: 10
    Junior Member
     
    #20

    Dec 25, 2008, 02:55 PM

    In response to this last post. Mamma's boy is probably right considering he grew up with his father mostly. His lack of love and constant work probably made my boyfriend the disrespectful person he is because he never learned really how a woman should be treated. His mother would have instilled much of that in his life. I miss him though... I just don't miss the crap. Walking on eggshells everyday fearing his mood. My decisions were based on his attitude. Scary. Here I sit though wondering why he is acting like this. Why he didn't bother to call or see my kids on this day of all days... why he couldn't put his differences with me aside for the sake of my kids and their fun day. Why he would rather worry about where is going to stay and what he is going to do. He said it last night though when he left. And accused me of kicking him out on Christmas Eve. I never did that. I stated that if he couldn't or didn't want to try to make me happy that he should just pack his bags and leave. I do fear being alone. I hold on to things like togetherness. Although I do agree with some of the things others have posted on this issue. I have to find the strength to let go of this disrespectful man and live life for me and my kids. Take the opportunity to allow someone else in my life that will love me and my kids and take care of us. I am right now jobless because my boyfriend said he would take care of us. All he ever did was complain about paying the bills and the rent. I feel as though any man that enters my life would be more than happy to want to help provide and live a loving life with me and my three great kids. Sucks that he couldn't be the one. Even though I really truly hoped he was. Sad day. Merry Christmas to all posters. Have a wonderful New Year as well.

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