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doubfulGF · May 8, 2007, 01:31 PM

I just broke up with my boyfriend last week and I have to admit, I broke up with him even if I still love him. Our differences are irreparable.
What's hard for me now is the transition stage, and trying to get past the emotional investment and energy that I gave in to the relationship...

I still feel the pain, and sometimes I still break down in my room when I'm all alone and cry... I want to get over him already and stop feeling this pain. It pains me even more to know that he is just unaffected about our break up. We were together for like 1 yr and 6 months...

I'm having a hard time, seeing our old common friends and when I remember our happy memories... my prob with him was he was very numb and emotionless and does things as if he is a robot. He was faithful, everything and did all I want but I couldn't feel him. I was still lonely within our relationship. When I broke up with him, he didn't even ask why, he just said "fine" and moved on... so I felt like I was just a cover up.

Although I suspect that he is gay, I still love him and I want to get rid of this love emotion as soon as I can... help! Practical tips please...

You think I should go out on dates?

brkfstatiffs · May 8, 2007, 02:50 PM

My ex and I had a similar situation. It is very hard to get over someone you loved, and 6 months later to this day I have "sad" moments or nights where I question things, him, his actions etc. The thing is, you'll probably never hear an answer you want to hear. For me my ex wants to be friends, but I just don't think I can do it seeing as he wants to pursue something with this chick he broke my heart with. Anyway the best way to get over him is to not communicate for a month or more. It will be so very hard, but keep busy with you friends, go out of town, dates will make you realize there are a lot of men out there, and classes... anything that brings you back to the gal you were before you met him. Hope this helps.

Bluerose · May 8, 2007, 02:59 PM

The process at the end of a relationship is like the grieving process, and there is no quick way through that. But you can possibly make things a little easier for yourself by taking care of yourself. Spend time with yourself and avoid jumping into a new relationship too soon.

doubfulGF · May 8, 2007, 03:39 PM

Some more tips please... :)

Bluerose · May 8, 2007, 04:21 PM

How about making some changes, as a way of distracting yourself? You could give yourself a make over, redecorate your bedroom, take a different root to school/work, play different music, by different magazines, go some place you have never been before, have a clear out of old memorabilia. It isn't much but I think the point is to keep your mind busy.

brkfstatiffs · May 8, 2007, 04:50 PM

Back to your comment, he probably does feel the sadness and is hurt, but deals with it in another way. Men don't always show their emotions you know? Don't bother asking the questions, because most likely it will stir your emotions up even more. My ex and I went back and forth for months trying to get answers and resolve. I would have rather had the no emotions, then the lies I got :( That was the roughest ever. Try eharmony :-)

diya · May 8, 2007, 05:31 PM

Best way to deal with any break up is to think that person is dead. Harsh it may sound, but had it been true and you knew he wouldn't come back and that he' gone forever... DEAD... u'll move on. Life never stops at one person you know. Our ancestors are no more but world has not stopped for us... has it? Also, each night before you go to sleep, try meditation. 3 deep breaths and slow music, eyes shut, sit cross legged and think you're with HIM... I mean God(if you don't believe in him, then think about just being in a garden full of flowers and lots of colorful birds... sun shining above... )... Trust me, do this continuously for a week, and let me know how u feel. It has worked for people I've recommended... should work for you too. You'll be a different person... attached yet detached from the world in lot of ways and will know how to deal with stress which is nothing but a mere state of mind. All the best and my wishes.

awendy · May 8, 2007, 05:53 PM

Yes, Yes, Yes, go out go out and go out. Keep your thoughts busy;;, and when you find that you are thinking of him and the times that you spent together, shake it off and get busy, do something that requires thought. Pray if you pray, that God will help you to find outlets and thoughts that will lead youi on your way. I too kicked him out a few months ago. I have found all this to have worked, in part, for me. Each day gets a little bit easier. Just do not find yourself blaming you for the end. You apparently did what you had to do and end it. Now that that is done, move on, get out there and keep busy. The weather is nicer now and you can keep busy busy busy and before you know it that Mr. Wonderful will be standing before you waiting for your arms to go about him. Hang in there, do not falter in your decisions. Love you, be proud of you, and smile, smile. I am pulling for you. I know that you can do it. I just know it. Awendy

doubfulGF · May 8, 2007, 06:33 PM

Wow! Thanks wendy... you sound so fiery and I can feel your sincerity... thanks so much :)

By the way, my other concern is right now, I feel like I'm not ready to take the news if he gets into another relationship and I feel like I'll be badly affected and just fall back to the pit of pain when I find out... I keep on wishing, I wish he wouldn't get into a relationship this soon... like I hope, I have moved on already when it happens...
But the thing is, he has this reputation of just jumping from one relationship to another, and because he is really good-looking, he can easily make it happen...

In fact, a month or even 3 weeks after he broke up with his ex-- he gave me flowers already and started asking me out... he assured me he wasn't on the rebound and I believed him because it was his ex who cheated on him... and at that time, I was also nursing a wounded heart so I thought that we can move on together to heal together...

Whew! Deep sigh! :(

doubfulGF · May 8, 2007, 06:36 PM

Originally Posted by brkfstatiffs

Back to your comment, he probably does feel the sadness and is hurt, but deals with it in another way. Men don't always show their emotions ya know? Don't bother asking the questions, because most likely it will stir your emotions up even more. My ex and I went back and forth for months trying to get answers and resolve. I would have rather had the no emotions, then the lies I got :( That was the roughest ever. Try eharmony :-)

Sometimes I also wonder how he copes with the hurt, actually, I've been really seriously wondring if he is even hurting... sometimes I wish I had no feelings at all... :(

diya · May 8, 2007, 07:13 PM

Hoots to whether he had feeling or not... lot of people don't... and most times it's people with lot of feelings end up getting hurt. Try to be unemotional at times, life would be easier. Think nothing is permanent, nothing at all.. that will make it lot easier...

awendy · May 8, 2007, 07:51 PM

Originally Posted by doubfulGF

wow!! thanks wendy...you sound so fiery and i can feel your sincerity...thanks so much :)

by the way, my other concern is right now, i feel like im not ready to take the news if he gets into another relationship and i feel like i'll be badly affected and just fall back to the pit of pain when i find out...i keep on wishing, i wish he wouldn't get into a relationship this soon....like i hope, i have moved on already when it happens...
but the thing is, he has this reputation of just jumping from one relationship to another, and because he is really good-looking, he can easily make it happen...

in fact, a month or even 3 weeks after he broke up with his ex-- he gave me flowers already and started asking me out...he assured me he wasn't on the rebound and i believed him because it was his ex who cheated on him...and at that time, i was also nursing a wounded heart so i thought that we can move on together to heal together...

whew!! deep sigh! :(

Two weeks after my split he contacted a woman on the internet, (he was addicted to internet sex) and she too received his comments to her, she became leery and had him investigated. She then contacted me as she found me through the investigation. She showed me what he had said to her and what he wanted to do to her. After 4 hours of chat he told her that he loved her. Scheeze. I went ballistic. It hurt so badly. That confirmed to me that I had done the right thing in kicking him out. He has now been thrown over by her and has gone into therapy. This has been so hard for me, as we were married for together for 7 years, married for 5. I am moving on, but I am not going out to find someone to take his place. I must heal first. We all must heal first. To go into another relationship before we heal is disaster. I pray that you can find things to keep busy with, things to keep your thoughts busy and when you start to think about him, change the subject. He was not that into you in the first place. Just a diversion. I am so sorry to say that but it is true. His actions since your split has proven that. Be strong and be brave, be bold. Treat you as you are the queen and you are more important to yourself than to someone that does not care about you. Hang in there, be bold. Be strong. Hugs

gypsy456 · May 8, 2007, 08:27 PM

Practical tips when it comes to emotional issues ?
That's a good one :)

Look... it takes time.
Be realistic.

You thought he was gay...
And you had your reasons to break up.

If you would not feel in pain you would be emotionless... and you would have reason to be worried... ;)

We can break up with people and know exactly why we do it and yet... it can hurt and it usually does hurt...

Time will heal.. it's a cliché, but it will.

Are you ready to go out on a date...
My personal experience is that so soon after breaking up it is too early... it makes me want to run back to the person I broke up with... so for me that does not work. m
However, I know of women who think it's best to date and have a "get over the ex bf date..."

Good luck.
Give yourself time.

kp2171 · May 8, 2007, 08:54 PM

First, congrads on taking the first step.

Meaning you were in love but you recognized fundamental problems that couldn't be resolved. You have already saved yourself a lot of grief, though it doesn't seem that way.

When I lost the first big, big love of my life it took a long time to get over. And I broke it off, much like you, for reasons that came down to simple incompatibility in important areas.

In my case, I didn't date for almost 2 years... I was sad as hell for a long time... and then mad about some things... and in time, just like any other grieving, the pain fades more and more. Now... I think I was ready to date again to some degree within 6 mo... I just didn't want to for a time, and then when I was ready I didn't seem to find anyone I really wanted to date.

So... you need to give it some time. Let yourself feel like crap. You are supposed to. And at the same time you need to look yourself in the mirror and know you did the right thing. It just takes time. Dating casually can distract you some. Simply connecting with people too.

But don't try to just numb the pain. Feel it for a bit. It will remind you of what you are trying to do for yourself... demanding more for yourself and not settling for less.

With there was a magic button to push.

I know it doesn't sound like good news... but I lost a few "loves of my life" before I found my wife. I can tell you, each time I seemed to be able rebound better and faster... its just a normal part of living and loving.

sypher373 · May 8, 2007, 09:47 PM

Originally Posted by doubfulGF

sometimes i also wonder how he copes with the hurt, actually, ive been really seriously wondring if he is even hurting...sometimes i wish i had no feelings at all... :(

I know this is going to sound impossible, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to forget what he is feeling/thinking/doing. Thinking about him is only going to trap you in a cycle of confusion and negative emotion. That's is not something you need to expose yourself to, in addition to the pain your already dealing with.

I'm sure he can handle himself fine, just as you can handle yourself fine - but I assure you, you've got about all you can handle dealing with yourself... let him take care of hisself, while you take care of yourself. :)

AW805 · May 8, 2007, 10:34 PM

Not everyone shows that they are distraught. He may even been wanting the breakup but didn't know how to go about it. Who really knows. Women and men react differently to emotional pain.

I wish you the best in healing. It's hard, I know. Be with friends and family. Talk to your pastor if you have one.

doubfulGF · May 9, 2007, 07:49 AM

Thanks all, I'm encouraged...
You know every time I go home from work, I just break down and cry myself to sleep. It heals me to just let the pain out. But honestly, I prayed that he'd come back to me and then the next thing I know I get back my prayers again and I ask for strength and grace instead.
But at the back of my mind, I know that if I ever get back to him, I'll feel emotionally better temporarily (I think just because of the attachment) and then after a while I will know I'm in a deeper pit. So I actually know I'm on the right track , it's just that my emotions can really weaken me big time...

I even askd God to grant me amnesia... and sometimes, I feel like I might be uncapable of loving again because it's just hurting so bad.

By the way, I still know his password to all his internet accounts, he didn't change it. I think he didn't notice that he told me about it so he never realized. I always get tempted to check it and I do. I want to really move on with life now and be back to who I really am before I met him... well, the irony was I was also broken hearted before I met him and thought he would help me heal.

doubfulGF · May 9, 2007, 07:56 AM

Originally Posted by sypher373

I know this is going to sound impossible, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to forget what he is feeling/thinking/doing. Thinking about him is only going to trap you in a cycle of confusion and negative emotion. Thats is not something you need to expose your self to, in addition to the pain your already dealing with.

I'm sure he can handle himself fine, just as you can handle yourself fine - but i assure you, you've got about all you can handle dealing with yourself...let him take care of hisself, while you take care of yourself. :)

Deep sigh... I'll really try to do that... one of my ways of distracting myself to not think of him is by actually listening to party music and loud, fast music that ay I don't get to feel my emotions. It makes me numb and up to beat... it's just that , when everything around me, like in my room, is silent, I break down again...

I'm sorry if I might sound stubborn... it's just with all honesty... it's just hurting so bad...

gypsy456 · May 9, 2007, 07:59 AM

Well doubtful... that's not that important anymore.
Don't go into that drama.. it's your past now.
Move on.

doubfulGF · May 9, 2007, 08:02 AM

Originally Posted by AW805

Not everyone shows that they are distraught. He may even been wanting the breakup but didn't know how to go about it. Who really knows. Women and men react differently to emotional pain.

I wish you the best in healing. It's hard, I know. Be with friends and family. Talk to your pastor if you have one.

Thanks AW... I'll be with my family this weekend. I'm really praying each moment now. Telling Him to give me the grace and strength to endure this. I'm also thinking of joining a more proactive church...

You know, I wouldn't see any reason apart from that he is gay or has too much pride why he would want a break up. But then I don't really want to analyze. Everything was actually going smooth (as he perceives it), it was just me who bursted into anger and frustration and broke up with him... but (sigh) I don't want to think about it anymore... im tired...