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Red3 · Apr 23, 2007, 07:10 PM

I just recently had a child about 5 weeks ago. The father and I are not together at this time. I am in love with him very much, but he thinks I am using our son as a tool to get us back together. He stayed with me and my family for a week after he was born. Then after that he would call for vistations. He would take him for one day a week for eight hours at a time. That has happened for three visits so far. My son would be very clingy to me and very fussy the next day. He would always want to be held and hang on to me. So I decided to shorten the visits and make them twice a week, but for four hours at a time. That way his son would see him more threw the week, but a shorter time. Bc the eight hours is to hard on him. He lives about a hour away from us and is griping that the time to drive is in the time of the four hours of the visit, but then again he refuses to move closer to us. The time in the car I use to bond with him as well, but I guess he doesn't. He says four hours is not enough time to bond with his child. But he is still so young... Any advice?

TheSavage · Apr 23, 2007, 07:19 PM

The only answer you will find to this question is within yourself,but my gut says you see your son as being more clingy because after 8 hours gone you are more clingy yourself -- if you get my drift -- Savage

Matt3046 · Apr 23, 2007, 07:41 PM

You should try to take into account his perspective. This is going to go on for the next 18 years, so you both will have to learn that you are not always going to be completely happy with the arrangements. Compromises will have to be made by both, of you.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 23, 2007, 09:44 PM

Actually this will happen for a few months till the babies father, goes to court and gets the court to order the exact days that the child will be with him, including overnight stays and the such.

Limiting it to a 4 hour visit will never hold up in court.

So you may as well allow real visits or he will get a lot more than you want in court before long

louie1 · Apr 24, 2007, 02:11 PM

Originally Posted by Matt3046

You should try to take into account his perspective. This is going to go on for the next 18 years, so you both will have to learn that you are not always going to be completely happy with the arrangements. Compromises will have to be made by both, of you.

Totally agree - Just remember to always put your child's needs first, whilst this can be very hard it is them that matter believe me!

shygrneyzs · Apr 24, 2007, 02:19 PM

Eight hours for a visit is not a long time, considering babies sleep for the majority of that time. You mentioned the baby is clingy when he comes home - I like Savage's thought about that. Your baby is more reacting to your need on that. Of course your baby will want to be held but holding a baby for too long a period is really not healthy.

From what you describe, you are wanting to call the shots in this relationship and I can see why the baby's Father is saying this about you. He feels you are using the baby as a bargaining chip. You are saying, "do things my way and you will see your son. don't follow my way and you will not see your son or only be limited to what I say."

Yes, you are the Mom here but you are 50% of the parent. I truly hope you and the baby's Father come to an agreement - via the courts - about visitation, child support, etc.

Red3 · Apr 24, 2007, 02:21 PM

Originally Posted by louie1

Totally agree - Just remember to always put your childs needs first, whilst this can be very hard it is them that matter believe me!

Yes yes I agree with you all.. This is my third child so I have been threw court with my first. My lawyer is really good friends with my mother and I ask her for advice as well she is telling me to keep the visits for a short period to start with. And I agree totally, but he is saying that I am keeping his son and him from "bonding" time. But he doesn't under stand this child is to young to have "bonding time". He thinks 12 hours is good enough for him to have his son. That is to long away from me. And he just doesn't want to understand any of it, because its not his way... He is a very spoiled 28 year old that has always got his way, but he's not getting his way so therefore he is accusing me of so many things...

richcali · Apr 24, 2007, 02:32 PM

I agree with Fr_Chuck
The father has the right to have the child 50% of the time including nights and you may not agree it is still his right as the father. If it were me I would be careful not to make the father go to court as it will then be totally out of your control, as it is now he is letting you make the choices. I would let him go back to the 8 hour visits and tell him that you aren't happy with it but that you do see his point, this will make you look like you are compromising even against your own wishes. The only time I would disagree is if he does not have the skills to take care of a baby or if the fathers house is a bad environment for the child.

TheSavage · Apr 24, 2007, 02:34 PM

"You totally agree with us all" yet are still saying your right?

"he doesnt under stand this child is to young to have "bonding time"." -- but the baby is " clingy with you" -- that's talking out of both sides of your mouth.

"He thinks 12 hours is good enough for him to have his son. That is to long away from me"
That right there is it in a nutshell -- its all about YOU.

I hate to tell you this but I hope he gets a good lawyer and gets this straighted out in court. -- Savage

kanicky73 · Apr 24, 2007, 02:51 PM

First of all I wanted to bring attention to the fact that shygerneyz said holding a baby too much is not healthy... nonsense! This baby is only 5 weeks old!! That is exactly what this baby needs. Bonding from both parents! The bonding process is needed from each of you and neithr one of you should be trying to prevent it. When you have the baby, you cuddle and bond with him as much as you can, and the father should do the same. The biggest thing here and I think your losing sight of is you should be extremely grateful that he wants to see his child. My daughters father makes it a point that he is not obligated to see his daughter more than every other weekend! Appreciate what he is doing, don't put him down or try to complicate it.

Red3 · Apr 24, 2007, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by TheSavage

"You totally agree with us all" yet are still saying your right?

"he doesnt under stand this child is to young to have "bonding time"." -- but the baby is " clingy with you" -- thats talking out of both sides of your mouth.

"He thinks 12 hours is good enough for him to have his son. That is to long away from me"
That right there is it in a nutshell -- its all about YOU.

I hate to tell you this but I hope he gets a good lawyer and gets this straighted out in court. -- Savage

Its not all about me, its all about him, the child. He is a new born I am primary care giver, doesn't need to be away for that long at a time right now.

Red3 · Apr 24, 2007, 05:01 PM

Originally Posted by kanicky73

First of all I wanted to bring attention to the fact that shygerneyz said holding a baby too much is not healthy....nonsense!! this baby is only 5 weeks old!!! that is exactly what this baby needs. Bonding from both parents!! The bonding process is needed from each of you and neithr one of you should be trying to prevent it. When you have the baby, you cuddle and bond with him as much as you can, and the father should do the same. The biggest thing here and I think your losing sight of is you should be extremely grateful that he wants to see his child. My daughters father makes it a point that he is not obligated to see his daughter more than every other weekend!! Appreciate what he is doing, dont put him down or try to complicate it.

I do understand about shygerneyzs point on holding a baby too much. Not by being unhealthy, but just for the simple fact of if you hold him/her constantly they will always wanted to be held and not put down. My two other childern don't have a father as well, he signed his rights over. I do appreciate him, but 12 hours a day is to long for him to have him...

kanicky73 · Apr 25, 2007, 11:48 AM

I was told by my pediatrician that during the first 9 months of a baby's life you can never hold them too much. They are not going to get used to being held too much etc. It is imparative for physical development as well as brain development. If you do any kind of reading on the subject either in books or the internet, recent studies show that its highly important. I'm not meaning to sound argumentative, just pointing it out.

iscorpio · Apr 25, 2007, 12:11 PM

Originally Posted by Red3

I just recently had a child about 5 weeks ago. The father and I are not together at this time. I am in love with him very much, but he thinks I am using our son as a tool to get us back together. He stayed with me and my family for a week after he was born. Then after that he would call for vistations. He would take him for one day a week for eight hours at a time. That has happened for three visits so far. My son would be very clingy to me and very fussy the next day. He would always want to be held and hang on to me. So I decided to shorten the visits and make them twice a week, but for four hours at a time. That way his son would see him more threw the week, but a shorter time. Bc the eight hours is to hard on him. He lives about a hour away from us and is griping that the time to drive is in the time of the four hours of the visit, but then agian he refuses to move closer to us. The time in the car I use to bond with him as well, but I guess he doesn't. He says four hours is not enough time to bond with his child. But he is still so young....Any advice?

It does not matter what you do, your baby has two parents and is loved equally by both, there is no answer to this as when he is with one he misses the other no matter which one he is with, it does not matter how you change the time/days around the time is still there when one of you is missing, I know that you say you love him, I feel for you I really do, the only thing you can both do is show him you both love him and do not use him as a tool, for his sake you have to stay amicable, you may just find that things are easier to deal with for all of you like this, I hope everything works out, take care, love and peace anne x

iscorpio · Apr 25, 2007, 05:32 PM

Thanks Matt, yes lots of experience lol, take care love and peace anne x

shirley-anne · Apr 25, 2007, 07:27 PM

Originally Posted by Red3

I just recently had a child about 5 weeks ago. The father and I are not together at this time. I am in love with him very much, but he thinks I am using our son as a tool to get us back together. He stayed with me and my family for a week after he was born. Then after that he would call for vistations. He would take him for one day a week for eight hours at a time. That has happened for three visits so far. My son would be very clingy to me and very fussy the next day. He would always want to be held and hang on to me. So I decided to shorten the visits and make them twice a week, but for four hours at a time. That way his son would see him more threw the week, but a shorter time. Bc the eight hours is to hard on him. He lives about a hour away from us and is griping that the time to drive is in the time of the four hours of the visit, but then agian he refuses to move closer to us. The time in the car I use to bond with him as well, but I guess he doesn't. He says four hours is not enough time to bond with his child. But he is still so young....Any advice?

Only an opinion, but I've been there done that. It seems to me that this "seperation" between you and the father was not your idea being that you are still in love with him. It is hard to be apart from your child being he is so young, but changing the visitation 4 hrs at time still gives him 8 hrs, but gives you the opportunity to see HIM twice a week. It's hard, I know but at this time it's important for them to spend time together. What's 8hrs compared to the 23 you get to be with your baby? Good luck

redpepper53 · Apr 28, 2007, 08:32 PM

Originally Posted by kanicky73

First of all I wanted to bring attention to the fact that shygerneyz said holding a baby too much is not healthy....nonsense!! this baby is only 5 weeks old!!! that is exactly what this baby needs. Bonding from both parents!! The bonding process is needed from each of you and neithr one of you should be trying to prevent it. When you have the baby, you cuddle and bond with him as much as you can, and the father should do the same. The biggest thing here and I think your losing sight of is you should be extremely grateful that he wants to see his child. My daughters father makes it a point that he is not obligated to see his daughter more than every other weekend!! Appreciate what he is doing, dont put him down or try to complicate it.

I totally agree,