[artstar]

Hey guys.

I've posted this on one of the stickies but I thought I'd post a separate thread on it.

So here's the rundown: been with girlfriend for five years. She breaks up with me because she says she doesn't know what she wants in life and that she needs to figure it out first before wanting to be in a relationship. I didn't fighter her on it. I basically said okay. And one day while I was working I let her in to my apartment to grab her things. There were still things that were left that I said I would drop off later when I had time. And since then (about a month) I haven't initiated contact at all. I am proud to say that I was making great progress. Started focusing on myself.

After weeks of putting off giving her her stuff back (legitimately because I was busy), she called me several times and said she wanted to pick them up. So I said OK.

We met downstairs of my apartment and that was that. Here you go. That's it. Bye. She calls me again a few minutes later and said she needed to come back because she forgot to give me something. So I said fine, come back and give it to me. She comes back, I take it and she asks how I was doing. I said good and asked how she was. She said good. Then she drove away.

I acted like I was in a hurry because I was. But there were things that she did that hinted strongly that she wanted to talk more but I refused. I also have a strong feeling that she wants to keep in touch with me. Maybe not to get back together, but at least to be friends.

To be completely honest, the past few weeks have actually been the happiest I've been in a long time. I have a lot of free time. I can focus on myself. I can focus on my career. I'm actually not so bothered about the whole break up thing anymore. I am free.

Now, one thing I'm scared of is her coming back and saying she wants to keep in touch. To be friends or whatever. At this point, I don't want anything to do with her. Maybe in the future, but absolutely not now. Never mind getting back with her. If we do get back together, it would take a lot of growing up on her part and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Now I'm afraid that she'll start crying and trying to remind me of the good times to guilt me into keeping in touch with her. Any advice on how I can approach this if it does happen?

I've just been doing so well and I don't want her to possibly change her mind and disrupt my progress.

[LexieLovesHim]

The only way to prevent her from trying to keep in touch is to tell her. If you avoid her she'll just come back and keep trying to talk to you. Tell her how you feel. Say that you both need time apart and can be friends later, but now you just want to focus on yourself and your career.

[Wondergirl]

The only way to prevent her from trying to keep in touch is to tell her. If you avoid her she'll just come back and keep trying to talk to you. Tell her how you feel. Say that you both need time apart and can be friends later, but now you just want to focus on yourself and your career.

I respectfully disagree. The minute you agree to talk with her in person or by phone, you open the door to her guilting you somehow. Avoid her and any conversation at all costs. If she approaches you in person, just wave goodbye and walk away. Do you have caller ID (you must, since even an old fogy like me does)? Don't answer if you see her number show up.

[Kitkat22]

I respectfully disagree. The minute you agree to talk with her in person or by phone, you open the door to her guilting you somehow. Avoid her and any conversation at all costs. If she approaches you in person, just wave goodbye and walk away. Do you have caller ID (you must, since even an old fogy like me does). Don't answer if you see her number show up.

I totally agree with WG. Avoid all contact. Don't let mutual friends bring messages from her to you. Let them know you want nothing to do with her.

[Jake2008]

I just want to commend you for all that you have accomplished in gaining your life and your freedom back.

It isn't easy, and so few return to say that they got through it, and have moved on, and are happy.

It's really nice to hear.

Take good care of yourself.

[QLP]

If she contacts you again tell her kindly but firmly that you believe it is in both or your best interests to have no further contact so that you can both move forwards with your lives. Don't get drawn into any long conversations about it. Just say you have made your decision and it's not negotiable. Then stick to it.

Well done for moving on so much emotionally, I am glad that you are happy. If she does try to get in touch she deserves a clear statement that this is totally over and friendship is not an option but once you have done that you owe her nothing more.

If she doesn't make contact then it's all done and dusted anyway so leave it be.

[Kitkat22]

If she contacts you again tell her kindly but firmly that you believe it is in both or your best interests to have no further contact so that you can both move forwards with your lives. Don't get drawn into any long conversations about it. Just say you have made your decision and it's not negotiable. Then stick to it.

Well done for moving on so much emotionally, I am glad that you are happy. If she does try to get in touch she deserves a clear statement that this is totally over and friendship is not an option but once you have done that you owe her nothing more.

If she doesn't make contact then it's all done and dusted anyway so leave it be.

I agree.

[kctiger]

Caring about people means caring enough to let go of them when it is no longer possible to hold on. Like Jake said, you have done a phenomenal job of getting yourself together and picking up the pieces. You may care about her still and that is natural, but you no longer owe her anything, including a friendship. Sometimes we have to let go, and that means letting go of everything.

I am proud of you. Stick to your guns and ignore any contact she tries to make. It's about YOU now. Good luck!

[Devorameira]

You've got to stay strong for yourself and refuse to remain friends with her.

If you allow her to stay in your life at all, you'll always be hanging onto hope instead of truly moving on with your life.

You're doing a good job - just keep up the good work.

[artstar]

Thank you all for your responses. Gives me even more strength to know that I'm taking the right steps. I will avoid contact with her and if at all I do have to talk to her, it'll be brief and to the point: a neutral thank you and bye.

I think one reason I was able to move on so easily is because I saw this coming and it wasn't a complete surprise. About 6 months ago this whole "i'm not sure what i want with my life" thing started coming out. She started questioning our relationship. And within those last 6 months, this issue would come and go. She showed a lot of indecisiveness. And I guess at that point, I also started making a shift in my thinking. I started to question her commitment. I prepared myself emotionally for what was about to happen even though I still kind of denied it and convinced myself that she was just going through a phase. I still treated her well. She never dropped down on my list of priorities. It was business as usual. And then it happened.

When it did, it hurt. Like hell. But every time I feel the pain I would ask myself these questions: why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? Why should I fight for someone who won't fight for me? And as one of the wonderful quotes I saw someone from this forum has, why should I make someone a priority when to them I am only an option?

Logic kicks in and I feel instantly better.

[talaniman]

If you stay on the path you're on, and keep doing what you're doing, you will be able to handle any situation life throws at you.

Well done.

[artstar]

So I just got a letter from her. Nothing too dramatic. Basically saying that she'd like to be friends. That we got along at one point and that she doesn't want to burn bridges. She wants me to let her know when I'd be willing to accept friendship with her again.

I still definitely do not want anything to do with her. I want her completely out of my life for now. I have a feeling for a very long time. But I'm divided as to whether I should reply. If I do, I want to say exactly how I feel. That we can't be friends anytime soon and that she owes me the time and space so that I can focus on myself and what I want in my life. And that when I'm ready to be friends, I will let her know but it will take awhile.

Or

Not reply.

My fear in replying is that it might open the floodgates to what I was afraid of in the first place which is to guilt me to stay friends.

What do you guys think?

[Kitkat22]

so i just got a letter from her. nothing too dramatic. basically saying that she'd like to be friends. that we got along at one point and that she doesn't want to burn bridges. she wants me to let her know when i'd be willing to accept friendship with her again.

i still definitely do not want anything to do with her. i want her completely out of my life for now. i have a feeling for a very long time. but i'm divided as to whether or not i should reply. if i do, i want to say exactly how i feel. that we can't be friends anytime soon and that she owes me the time and space so that i can focus on myself and what i want in my life. and that when i'm ready to be friends, i will let her know but it will take awhile.

or

not reply.

my fear in replying is that it might open the floodgates to what i was afraid of in the first place which is to guilt me to stay friends.

what do you guys think?

Don't start back down that road... You're doing good.

[talaniman]

Why even reply to such a request if that's not what you want.

You have to understand that since she is not hurt, she can't understand your hurt, so ignoring her, and staying with NC, is the message to send. If she persists, tell her to leave you alone, without the sappy heartfelt explanations.

[Kitkat22]

Why even reply to such a request if thats not what you want.

You have to understand that since she is not hurt, she can't understand your hurt, so ignoring her, and staying with NC, is the message to send. If she persists, tell her to leave you alone, without the sappy heartfelt explanations.

She knows you're over her... some girls want to have power over someone, even when they don't care a thing about you. Gives them a sense of being in control. CAUTION... don't fall for it!

[elizaxfools]

You're a lot stronger than any of us are that are going through this.

If you're happy then leave it at that. Don't think about getting back together with her because the only thing that will be going through your mind is all of the freedom that you once had.

Maybe you two just weren't cut out for each other.

As for her possibly wanting to be friends and continue talking, don't let it happen. No woman likes to be ignored, but if you happen to do just that, we get the point eventually.

If you're happy, then that's all that should really matter. The rest is just fantastic history.

Be happy and stay happy!

[Kitkat22]

You're alot stronger than any of us are that are going through this.

If you're happy then leave it at that. Don't think about getting back together with her because the only thing that will be going through your mind is all of the freedom that you once had.

Maybe you two just weren't cut out for each other.

As for her possibly wanting to be friends and continue talking, don't let it happen. No woman likes to be ignored, but if you happen to do just that, we get the point eventually.

If you're happy, then that's all that should really matter. The rest is just fantastic history.

Be happy and stay happy!

Enjoy being young... :)

[artstar]

She knows you're over her...some girls want to have power over someone, even when they don't care a thing about you. Gives them a sense of being in control. CAUTION....don't fall for it!!

Thank you so much for this. This just puts everything back into place and makes everything so clear again.

[Kitkat22]

thank you so much for this. this just puts everything back into place and makes everything so clear again.

Stay strong dear... You will be amazed at how much better you feel about yourself... Good Luck... Kit:)

[throwaway]

I wish I was as strong as you are. Very inspirational.