[fearnoevil]

I am a 23 y/o girl in a relationship with an amazing 21 y/o girl. Everything is going well. This is the first relationship I've been in that's fulfilling and that my friends and family finally LIKE who I am dating (I was in a 3.5 yr relationship with a very controlling, manipulative and physically abusive girl and am your classic trainwreck when it comes to picking men lol)

My problem is I had surgery a couple weeks ago and haven't been able to see much of anyone, including her. She calls/texts/messages me daily to see how I'm doing and all, being very sweet. It hit me in the face a few days after surgery how much I am in love with her, as I missed her horribly (we're usually constantly together).

I was finally well enough to go visit her at her place a few days ago and I felt super awkward the whole time. The whole relationship felt new and sort of overwhelming, which is ridiculous since we've been together for 6 months. She was acting completely normal but I just couldn't connect, and pretty much wanted to leave the entire time.

Since that day I've on and off felt like I want to break up with her, but can tell myself I'm being irrational, as I know I don't, but I keep having these little stupid ideas pop in my head that I should break it off. And its always a feeling of "im not good enough for her." or "i dont want to be loved this intensely."

I do have a very long history of sexual abuse and was raped once in high school by my best friend, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it, like maybe issues with "concrete" emotions or trust or self worth or something, but I didn't think those probs would cross over to lesbian relations...

Ideas, please?

[Alty]

I think you hit the nail on the head with your last paragraph. I was actually going to ask if you had a history of sexual abuse.

I was sexually abused when I was a child and then raped as a teen. I found it very hard to get close to people, to let them in. I broke a lot of hearts along the way, until I met my husband. I tried pushing him away, but he wouldn't leave. ;)

I think you need to talk to her, tell her how you're feeling, tell her that you're feeling a bit strange about things. Also tell her that you love her, because I think that's a very important part of your post.

Could it be that realizing you love her scares you and that's why you want to leave, before she can hurt you?

Love involves risk. You run the risk of getting your heart broken, but, if you don't take that chance, you run the risk of being alone forever.

Take the risk.

[mafiaangel180]

I would tell her all of what you just said. I think Altenweg hit the nail on the head.