[ummmm]

I had been with my ex for 6 years, we lived together for 5! We moved to a new city and I moved there for her to start her career.. She came to me a year ago and said she was having curious thoughts about other men, and this is due to me not showing her affecton and touching her, anyway we worked on it and got it back to how it was, but then I let my job affect me again and I didnt't feel like a MAN and I didn't feel sexy so I couldn't perform sex with her. Now fast forward, she told me she needed her space and that she is confused! Because we have been dating since she was 21 and now she is 27, before me she had a relationship for 4 years from when she was 16-20, she stated to me she hasn't had the chance to date others and experience men. I am so hurt because I started to save for a ring and save for a house and now I fear that I have lost her forever! I want her back and I know the best way is to let her be, and for me to do my thing! But the kicker is we broke up on a Thursday, Saturday she was with some dude, and I went by our Apt. to get my clothes and our dog was excited to see me and peed on the floor I cleaned it up and opened the trash and found a condom wrapper, needless to say I was devastated! When she told me we needed to separate she did state she was going to date! Now get this I went back to my home town for a few days to clear my head and we decided to have a talk when I get back. I came back and we talked, we cried in each others arms for hours, she said that she didn't want to start over and learn someone new, and that I am what she envisioned in a husband it is just that she wants to get this out her system. Will she come back I am so hurt?!

[Jake2008]

How long has she been gone, and are you in regular contact with her?

[ummmm]

It has been a week! And no we are not in regular contact, I mean she text me last night saying she needs to become a stronger person and that she has to do this , I spoke with her step mom and real mom (she has been talking to her real mom about this) Her real mom said to leave her alone cause she is so confused! But I am afraid when I get my stuff out the house she will not contact me!

[I wish]

If you continue to talk to each other in times of uncertainty, it will only confuse you more. It's time to give each other some space. Both of you seem extremely confused about what you want. Time apart will allow both of you to reflect on things and when you talk again, you will be refreshed and more objective about your situation. Until then, just focus on your life and your career.

[Jake2008]

I'm afraid that as much as you want her back, it likely isn't going to happen.

To live in a place in your mind that keeps her your priority, above all else, is very unhealthy all the way around.

Breakups are hard, and you won't be left without wounds, just like anyboy else going through a breakup.

I believe that you do love her, but, love is just not enough to bring her back. She has been honest with you for the most part, and she wants to stand on her own two feet. Remember that she's been in two long term relationships for a total of 10 years. She has not experienced live on her own.

You cannot force the clock to go back, and you cannot fast forward to the future to see if she ever did come back. That you found 'evidence' so early on in the breakup, does make me wonder if there wasn't someone else in the picture for some time.

It is important that you see she does not wish to carry on a relationship with you. Whether it's over for a month, or 50 years, it doesn't matter, the point is it is over. Done. Finished.

You will slowly accept this, it's not easy to change your life either, but you will survive, and bring all the good you have to offer to another relationship down the road. Take time to reflect, and be on your own. Enjoy your own company, and friends company, and explore the single life. This isn't the end of the world, you have a life to live.

In the meanwhile, I think you should arrange to get your stuff as soon as possible. To keep it at the house, is only unfinished business for you, and sad memories for her.

[ummmm]

So it has been a month now and my ex has been dating! Well she texted me the other night and I didn't respond, 15 minutes later she text me again, and again I did not answer. So 30 minutes later I was on the phone w/ my brother and she called me, my brother said to answer so I did. We spoke for about 4 minutes then she said she would call me when she got home! Sure enough 40 minutes later she called and we spoke for about 8 minutes then I ended the conversation, telling her "I have to go my friends are outside waiting for me so I will talk to you some other time" Well I hung up and 1 minute later she text me saying "Why did you get off the phone so fast" I didn't respond, then the next morning she called me at 6:30 am asking me why I was being shady and why did I not text her back. Then she started crying saying how much she misses me and how she is realizing a lot of things now that we are not together! She hen asked was I still going to my therapist and how was that going, then she said something that made me happy she said she is willing to try COUPLES COUNSELING! I asked was she sure and she said YES! So I made the appointment for Thursday October 8! And told her and she said "I am actually looking forward to it" Then I went by the apartment to get my mail and when I opened the door I noticed the chain on the door and the bed room door closed and the dog sitting in the living room which is odd because we never would close the door, let alone not let the dog sleep in the bed! So I put 2 and 2 together and she had the guy she is dating over! I was crushed! I left and came back later to get what I needed and walked through the house and the refrigerator was empty and the dishes hadn't been done in over a week! I was/am so ready to cancel this appointment bu don't want to jump the gun! Why would she agree to counseling when she is still dating this dude! Oh yea a little info on this dude, she is 27 and he is 38 and he has use the bathromm twice and the apartment and left his pee in the toilet without flushing, he always comes over on the late night!! I have no idea what to do, should I cancel or go through, she was emailing me asking me about the 411 of the counseling, and I told her that the therapist said the only way this will work is we are honest and open and want to make it work! What do I do?

[Jake2008]

I say dump her.

[ummmm]

I do want to repair it!

I do trust her because she has never lied to me before! And I will be honest she told me exactly what she was going to do, and the only reason I know so much 411 about what she is doing is because I am snooping in her emails and instant messages!

I think it is repairable if she is as into as I!

I don't want to jump the gun and throw anything away!

I found out that she really is hurting as much as I am and that she has been struggling with things like I have and that she masks everything with drinking and trying to stay out of the house as much as possible!

I showed a psychologist the emails and instant messages she and homeboy were having, and the psychologist said to me that she does want to come back but she is scared and that she is beginning to get sick of this guys actions and tendencies and that she is starting to see my value, and sure enough that night is when she called pouring her heart to me!

[ummmm]

Trust was never an issue with us! The issue that broke us up which we discussed was that we stopped dating, and stopped the intimacy!