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CanIBuyAClue · Jul 12, 2009, 05:16 PM

Ok so like many others I guess I'll try to summarize my situation as clearly and concisely as possible. So my now ex-girlfriend (We're both in early - mid 20's) and I had been dating for a little under 13 months when she decided to break up with me. The 13 months were good. 3 months into our relationship she went on a bible retreat / getaway with one of her friends who doesn't really care for me for reasons I'm unaware of. She would always tell her you shouldn't be dating like this, yadda yadda.. but they went away for the weekend and when she came back she broke up with me... total shocker, because at that time everything was great too. But after that, we got back together a couple weeks later. And things had been really good, with normal relationship ups and downs I guess, but no big fights, like I said all good.

Her parents are devout Christians, and didn't like her dating me, and they didn't even know me. We would go hang out and everything would be OK, and they would be nice to me and me likewise, but the stuff that they would say to her behind my back really got at me. She comes from a fairly strong Christian background, and I went to Church as a little kid, I stopped going when my parents stopped forcing me to go :) I would go with her, but if we went to the Church her parents went to I wouldn't really be thrilled about it, and it would kind of show. I may not have a religious upbringing, but my parents have instilled in me strong Christian-like values, so jumping back into my faith has been fairly easy, and quite rewarding. Anyway, one morning we kind of got into our first "fight" I guess you could call it... FYI we've never yelled or raised our voices at each other or anything physical, we just more or less both left upset with each other once we were done. If you guessed it, our debate was about faith and I was just pointing out people who pervert religion and use it to their will, etc... as to show that just because you go to Church doesn't mean you're a better person that somebody that doesn't blah blah blah. So anyway, we both left upset and apparently her Mom and friend's mom (who has never met me) prayed with her and they didn't think she had met her husband (ok, so that's a mom that doesn't like me because I'm different, and a lady whom I've never met assessing our relationship just for those keeping score at home). Anyway, she came over later that day and talked about how she think our goals in life our different, we have different time frames, yadda yadda and we essentially broke up. For a few weeks I just couldn't understand it, so we tried establishing boundaries but I'll admit I pushed it some because I had to know what went wrong... I mean just like 2-3 weeks ago you were talking to me about getting married. So anyway, over the course of meeting a few times over the next few weeks tears were shed, there was a little bit of pleading, asking for another chance, saying we could change stuff... you know, all that stuff you're not supposed to do LOL, and looking back on it I'm embarrassed for myself. She said she still loved me, but was not in love with me... (yeah, that line lol). She said that she needed to learn how to put God first in her life, and that by being with me she can't not focus on me, or have me not be her top priority.

Not to go into too much detail. After that I went NC for about 10 days or so... really evaluated things. I called her and let her know I agreed with the breakup, we were starting to suffocate each other a bit, but I also felt that she was really stressed out with a lot of stuff going on in her life. I let her know that I missed her friendship though. So we did hang out as friends and things were really good, we were just like we were before... and that of course lead to physical stuff. I initiated a lot of it at first, but more recently she had been the one initiating it, and she was acting like she did when we were together. Anyway, we met up recently and once again, were physical (no sex, I drew the line there - for several reasons) sent her home leaving on Cloud 9. Everything was good, I didn't have any expectations at this point, because she would say she was still really confused. But then we met up just to do something lax and she says I don't think we can hang out anymore, because I don't like how I'm acting, and giving you false hope / mixed signals. I'm like... I know that you're confused (her actions say one thing when she is with me, but then her words say something different two days later). So anyway, all of our conversations had been really rushed lately due to other activities we have going on, but I was just like, well I would like to talk to you tonight about it a little more just for closure etc... waited and waited, never called (I knew she had prior plans) but she did finally call early in the morning and I didn't answer (I felt ignored at this point). She then text me and thought I was guilt tripping her (for asking for less than a hour of her time to just talk). That kind of irritated me, so anyway I've gone back into NC after that... been about 3 days and don't plan on breaking NC at this point, although I know I will run into her at some point in the next couple weeks... but at this point I need to back off and just let NC do what it does... because I know that she is still way into me, but is stuck on putting God first in her life. I know that backing off for now is just what needs to happen (just FYI - we've been equally responsible for initiating contact between each other).

I've found solace in the fact that everybody I tell (not just my friends) that she broke up with me, they're like wait... SHE broke up with YOU? I mean.. I'm a really nice guy, treat her awesome, tall, good looking, muscular and in shape, college educated, good job, money saved, etc... I do love her unconditionally, but I don't deserve to be treated this way you know? As in kind of strung along...

So anyway, I've just been sitting back improving myself (ever since our official break up now 2 months ago), hitting up the gym twice a day and getting ripped (I'm already pretty darn chiseled - dropped about 7-8 lbs. in the less than 2 months), finding my faith by myself, and keeping busy with other things. Anybody care to offer any additional insight? Sorry for going on so long.

liz28 · Jul 12, 2009, 05:35 PM

She was torn between you and her mother. She wanted to obey her mother by not seeing you but her heart wouldn't let her to it but ultimately she did.

Being friends with her didn't work out because, lets be honest, the two of you crossed that line. Once the line is crossed it rare to just stop doing the extra stuff and focus on being just friends. And the break-up was fresh and the feelings were raw so again being friends were out the window.

Her faith came in between the two of you along with the outside interferes from her family and friends. You didn't have a chance and sorry your faith was judge but you and her were raised differently--religion wise.

So right now you cut the confusion and work on healing yourself so you can get over her. Don't try to be friends again and try your hardest not to contact her.

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 12, 2009, 06:08 PM

Thanks for the response. Yeah the religion was definitely a large wedge. I mean the whole time we were together there were probably like 3 weeks total (1 week she was on a family vacation) where we did not sleep in the same bed. She is like I love sleeping next to you, but we shouldn't because we're not married. I didn't necessarily agree, but was open to her not staying over, but she just continued doing so and apparently it got to her? Most likely out of her parents pointing out that she is not living correctly... I'm so awesome and treat her so good that I can't not be her main focus if she is with me, and our sex is so amazing that she can't not be tempted by it when with me. I'm just like OY I need to stop being so darn good here!! What really kind of stings is that I've been going to my own church that I've really liked for the past few months and know it is something that I could really enjoy doing with her. I guess I'm just sticking with my NC and seeing what will happen with her. She may be moving away, and may not be. Such confusion, but the good thing is that all of my initial hurt is definitely over from this. When she said I don't think we should hang out I was just pretty non-chalant about it.

Torrid13 · Jul 12, 2009, 06:27 PM

She's a MOMMA'S GIRL.

If you ended up marrying this chick, you would NEVER be able to get away from her mother, because the girl would always go to her momma first before she does anything, and no doubt this would cause tension.

Her mom would be running your marriage.

As far the religion issue, as you know, Christians will ALWAYS put God first. So I'm pretty sure she's not going to "unstick" from putting God first over you.

She's definitely confused about what she wants, most likely because her family is dogging her about it. I think you should be relieved you got out of that situation. You're doing the right things, though: going to the gym, hanging with friends, etc etc.

Let NC do its magic and just live for yourself. Seriously reconsider if you want to be in a relationship where you're basically dating the girl's mother.

Good luck.

Romefalls19 · Jul 12, 2009, 06:48 PM

NC, things are still sour and sore, I know it's hard but coming between family will never work out. Resentment would only follow, give the time and space needed to recover and you will feel better, it may take some time but it will get better

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 12, 2009, 09:22 PM

Yeah and it doesn't help that she is moved back in with her parents (this happened a little after the initial break up... but had been planned for a couple months, due to her not liking her current roommate / never being there and paying rent, etc... ) so I definitely know that they are in her ear constantly about what she should do. And to be quite honest, my presence is the only thing keeping her confused I think because she is still in love with me... while the parents continue to sway her elsewhere. I'll just continue sticking to my NC and if I do happen to run into her just be friendly and keep it brief...

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 14, 2009, 07:04 PM

Question, sticking with NC... however I would like to say that I'm happy for an older family member of her's who will be having a baby sometime in the near term. I would like to send happy thoughts and prayers and congratulate them... but I want to keep NC. What to do, what to do?

none12345 · Jul 14, 2009, 08:22 PM

Originally Posted by CanIBuyAClue

Question, sticking with NC... however I would like to say that I'm happy for an older family member of her's who will be having a baby sometime in the near term. I would like to send happy thoughts and prayers and congratulate them... but I want to keep NC. What to do, what to do?

It would be best if you stay out of her friends and family for NC to work.

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 14, 2009, 08:43 PM

Haha... well too late I guess because her sister came into the store where I worked at and kind of initiated the conversation. I just asked her about the baby that she's expecting within a week or so and just had a light conversation with her. I was just more or less wanting to give congrats to them directly when the baby does arrive w/out involving ex who I'm sticking to NC.

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 16, 2009, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by Torrid13

She's a MOMMA'S GIRL.

If you ended up marrying this chick, you would NEVER be able to get away from her mother, because the girl would always go to her momma first before she does anything, and no doubt this would cause tension.

Her mom would be running your marriage.

As far the religion issue, as you know, Christians will ALWAYS put God first. So I'm pretty sure she's not going to "unstick" from putting God first over you.

She's definitely confused about what she wants, most likely because her family is dogging her about it. I think you should be relieved you got out of that situation. You're doing the right things, though: going to the gym, hanging with friends, etc etc.

Let NC do its magic and just live for yourself. Seriously reconsider if you want to be in a relationship where you're basically dating the girl's mother.

Good luck.

Artlady: Yeah I totally agree, on some level :) She definitely was way too busy in this relationship, I mean who in the heck tells their daughter that he will try to make you happy but he's not the one for you when you don't know a single thing about them!! And the problem is that I will be dominated by no mother thank you very much. She swears up and down that her parents don't hate me (I'm like... umm, never said they hate me, they just disapprove you dating me and influence... ). I did a bad thing and broke NC, just one text though... one of my pets back home was run over yesterday (when it rains it pours no?), and she is a big pet lover so I simply told her to hold all her pets tight that night and don't let their little mannerisms annoy her, because one day they will be gone... And she responded that she was sorry that had happened and that was the end of it, no more contact.

I am doing better, and am beginning to see more and more that I do not deserve to be treated like this. Quite frankly, I could snap my fingers and have a new girlfriend (no way do I want to jump into that right away right now). It is hard getting her off my mind though. For a few weeks back when we talked I let her know I was working out in the mornings / nights... and then what happens maybe less than a week later, guess who shows up at the gym in the mornings. And then she knows where my roommate works, so she went and saw a childhood friends sporting game and was talking with my roommate about stuff. I'm just like ugh... she keeps putting herself in these known familiar places... just really starting to irritate me, and I think I can see the game being played. Of course, I am keeping all this frustration to myself... and maybe my roommate a little bit lol.

talaniman · Jul 16, 2009, 10:22 AM

Talaniman Rule- Never worry about what exes do, just what your doing.

Sorry guy but don't put her down, she just wasn't ready for a guy like you.

jmw0713 · Jul 16, 2009, 10:49 AM

Well buddy, it looks like you two are finished. She has different values than you and you're both at different points in life. She doesn't think you two are on the same path, which happens all the time.

You both had problems with communication and therefore had problems understanding where each other were coming from. You each have different goals and ambitions and could not learn to work together and support each other on them.

Basically, it looks like things between you both have run there course and it's time to let go.

That kind of irritated me, so anyway I've gone back into NC after that... been about 3 days and don't plan on breaking NC at this point, although I know I will run into her at some point in the next couple weeks... but at this point I need to back off and just let NC do what it does... because I know that she is still way into me, but is stuck on putting God first in her life. I know that backing off for now is just what needs to happen (just FYI - we've been equally responsible for initiating contact between each other).

Don't use NC as a tool to get her back. It is not meant to be used in this way. NC is meant to allow both people to take time for themselves, regroup, reflect on what went wrong, change themselves to become better, and over on to better relationships.

This is not time for either of you to play games. In the end it will hurt both of you. Stick to your guns and if you plan on sticking to NC than do it. Don't flip flop back and forth. You do it or you don't.

You sound like a nice guy, who has a lot going for him. She just doesn't see it that way and you have to respect that. There will be other woman coming your way that will be better for you.

Sweet_Guy23 · Jul 16, 2009, 11:54 AM

Dude... it was over the first time you broke up... and another thing you never ARGUE with a woman... you'll never win...

And also not to be so harsh you ought to read my story... but her being "CONFUSED"... is bs quite frankly... If she had a HIGH INTEREST in you she wouldn't be CONFUSED... when a woman says that she is confused that means low interest. Nothing else...

You held her interest for a while but lost it...

You loss this one buddy... sorry

Learn from it and moved on...

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 16, 2009, 12:01 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Talaniman Rule- Never worry about what exes do, just what your doing.

Sorry guy but don't put her down, she just wasn't ready for a guy like you.

Yeah I'm working on it, and I'm definitely not going to put her down any.

Because:
A.) that's not how I was raised
B.) I am better than that
C.) I do still care for her, and am not out for revenge our anything. If anything at all, just prove her how wrong she was lol.
D.) What do I have to gain by doing it? It would only make me feel worse.

Thanks for the input.

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 16, 2009, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by jmw0713

Well buddy, it looks like you two are finished. She has different values than you and you're both at different points in life. She doesn't think you two are on the same path, which happens all the time.

You both had problems with communication and therefore had problems understanding where each other were coming from. You each have different goals and ambitions and could not learn to work together and support each other on them.

Basically, it looks like things between you both have run there course and it's time to let go.

Don't use NC as a tool to get her back. It is not meant to be used in this way. NC is meant to allow both people to take time for themselves, regroup, reflect on what went wrong, change themselves to become better, and over on to better relationships.

This is not time for either of you to play games. In the end it will hurt both of you. Stick to your guns and if you plan on sticking to NC than do it. Don't flip flop back and forth. You do it or you don't.

You sound like a nice guy, who has a lot going for him. She just doesn't see it that way and you have to respect that. There will be other woman coming your way that will be better for you.

Good input. Yeah, I've told her from the get go since our initial breakup (the 2nd time around) that she did not communicate any of these frustrations with me. I am not a mind reader. She was like well if I told you these things you would not do it for yourself and change stuff around and end up resenting me in the future. I was like, that is crazy... relationships are all about communicating things with your partner and making compromises if necessary and supporting one another. Any time in the past when we had minor arguments and then immediately talked about things, things were perfect afterwards. I even TOLD her in the future all we need to do is communicate and we will be find. It doesn't seem like that ended up happening. So this one time there's no communication and all of a sudden oh my gosh it's the end of the world and wait we're all of a sudden very different. To be honest, it sounds like you're emotional, and upset, and didn't get your way so you're taking your toys and going home, and a little immature in my opinion. I care about her and support her 100%, but I would by lying if I didn't think there was some growing up to do as well.

I'm not using NC as a tool against her, I'm really not. I'm doing it to get her off my mind. I was really just overtaken by grief of the loss, and the combination of both being animal lovers I thought I would send something as a reminder (ironically enough, what I said I think holds true for relationships too). I don't think it had any profound effect or set me back any.

Thank you for the kind words at the end :) I have a TON of stuff going for me, and I do realize that, and everybody tells me that so that support helps. What really helps me get over the bruised ego is every time I look in the mirror :)

jmw0713 · Jul 16, 2009, 12:25 PM

You seem like you are taking the right approach.

You know... sometimes things just don't work out. It's sad, but true. Countless times, things start perfect and end up miserable and no one is ever sure how they got there. When this happens, you have to face reality and accept that things went south. You tried your best to work it out with her, but she just didn't see it.

So you just have to take the blow, take your life in your own hands, and get out of the rut. That's the only thing that will get you through in the long run... believing in yourself and forging on toward the future.

You are on the right track. Before you know it, you will be at the end of the dark tunnel admiring the sunny bright weather.

Sweet_Guy23 · Jul 16, 2009, 12:25 PM

The catch is to look at the REALITY of the situation. Not allowing yourself to constantly rationalize someone's actions by looking at them through the eyes of your ego...

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 16, 2009, 12:31 PM

Originally Posted by Sweet_Guy23

Dude...it was over the first time yall broke up...and another thing you never ARGUE with a woman...you'll never win...

And also not to be so harsh you ought to read my story...but her being "CONFUSED"....is bs quite frankly...If she had a HIGH INTEREST in you she wouldn't be CONFUSED...when a woman says that she is confused that means low interest. Nothing else...

You held her interest for a while but lost it...

You loss this one buddy...sorry

Learn from it and moved on...

Haha... yeah, I definitely found out the hard way of never arguing with a woman. Even if in the opinion of the unbiased that you're right, the only opinion that you're arguing against is her's, and of course she will always think she is right.

Oh yeah, I'm sure she's definitely sugar coating it and trying to let me down easy -- I'm sure she's even said something similar at one point. I mean, she doesn't really have anything to be angry at with me anyway... I know this girl like the back of my hand --outside of her occasional emotional outbursts and when her parents warp her mind. The only part that I know where she is legitimately confused is between pursuing her faith and being with me. The portrait being painted by her folks and friends who don't care for me is that all of the stress of your life (working a job not in your desired field, being on a really tight budget, being in school, having sporting commitments, time limited in general, etc.. ) is all caused by you dating a guy "how you shouldn't be" and not being a devout Christian who lives in solitude in a monastery.

"She just doesn't see a future for us" -- but she can obviously see a present with us, as every time we're together we're amazing. It's like you just want to say... so if every day was like today for the rest of your life, that would make it the future no? (I'm trying not to sound too much in denial here, or getting all philosophical, just pointing out that humorous irony to me... ) The truth is, that I could still call her, have her come see me or vice/versa, have a great time together, have it be just like when we were BF/GF, and get naked afterwards, but that's really not doing any of us any favors at this point lol.

Sorry for the long venting... feels good to get it out though.

Sweet_Guy23 · Jul 16, 2009, 01:39 PM

That's why we're all here... LET IT OUT MAN... VENT...

CanIBuyAClue · Jul 16, 2009, 01:52 PM

Haha the sweetest "revenge" I guess you could say is just getting all of it so I'm not upset about it when I do run into / talk to her and that I'm already looking 10x better than my already previous amazing self. Now all this website needs is a punching bag or track for me to run laps of some sort lol.