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maida1984 · Aug 26, 2006, 01:47 PM

My husband seems to be obssesed with his childhood friend. They have been friends for over 10 years. Before we married he promised me that he wasn't the kind of man that liked to hang out with his friends. He lied. He goes to his buds house about 2-3 times a week and get home at 1 am or sometimes 3 am.I have asked him what is so interesting about his friends house and he says they play video games and watch movies !but yesterday he lied to me and said that he was going to play pool with a co worker but not to my surprise I called his best friend and there he was. When I confronted him about him lying he blew me off. He said I knew you would find out I will be home whenever. That night he got home at 3:30am.I pretend to be sleeping... what can I do? He prefers to be with his friends than with me! I haven't talked to him I'm silent and avoid looking at him. I'm miserable what should I tell him. I gave him an ultimatum 8 months ago I said me or the friend and he choose his friend and said I know him before you... help.

His friend is an alcoholic and a drug addict.

Jnet29 · Aug 26, 2006, 01:56 PM

HI tell your husband that you and him became one flesh when you to got married and he didn't marry his friends he married you. You come first now in his life not his friends. Try to sit him down again and let him know how this is hurting you.

aqua@home · Aug 26, 2006, 02:57 PM

Maybe the two of you could come up with a compromise. Maybe he could go over once a week, and maybe you could start inviting his friends over to your house. I suppose this doesn't fix the lying aspect of things. Lying, well, that's just plain wrong.

I know from personal experience that you should never give a guy an ultimatum. That never works. Maybe if you lay off for a bit and try to keep yourself busy, he will stick around more. He knows you are there waiting, so change that. Do something, don't be there just waiting. Find something you enjoy doing without him. Maybe the two of you could set up your own weekly date-night. A night where it's just the two of you and you do something together.

It sounds like he needs to grow up, and I'm sure he will. Sometimes they take a little longer than us... ha ha ha.

BTW... nice to see you Jnet.

maida1984 · Aug 26, 2006, 04:29 PM

He is 26 and still has the mentality of a kid.

Jnet29 · Aug 26, 2006, 04:39 PM

Hi aqua : )

maida1984 · Aug 26, 2006, 04:46 PM

Originally Posted by aqua@home

Maybe the two of you could come up with a compromise. Maybe he could go over once a week, and maybe you could start inviting his friends over to your house. I suppose this doesn't fix the lying aspect of things. Lying, well, that's just plain wrong.

I know from personal experience that you should never give a guy an ultimatum. That never works. Maybe if you lay off for a bit and try to keep yourself busy, he will stick around more. He knows you are there waiting, so change that. Do something, don't be there just waiting. Find something you enjoy doing without him. Maybe the two of you could set up your own weekly date-night. A night where it's just the two of you and you do something together.

It sounds like he needs to grow up, and I'm sure he will. Sometimes they take a little longer than us...ha ha ha.

BTW...nice to see you Jnet.

Thanks for the advice it was very helpful

talaniman · Aug 26, 2006, 05:03 PM

Ladies your not going to like this but of all the things he could be doing, is it too much to ask if you could cut the guy some slack. Video games a couple of nights a week with his friend? I've been playing chess for 40 years and a 4 out of seven is 5 hours at least. Now if he ignored you the rest of the time okay I can see being mad. But if you want him home every night with no friends? Maybe you should chain him to the porch and walk him daily. How about sitting down and talking to him and come to a compromise where he doesn't feel he has to lie about where he goes and who he's with and what he's doing. Drop the ultimatum act though, truly a bad idea, now you got his back against the wall Oh no no. Just curious do you have things you enjoy? Does he forbid you from doing what you like with your girl friends? You do have girl friends I assume. And at 52 I'm still a big kid at heart, but my wife of 32 years compromises and takes the shackles off enough to keep this puppy happy. Communication, listening, and understanding go a long way to honesty and trust. Talk don't scream, ask don't demand.

valinors_sorrow · Aug 26, 2006, 05:24 PM

Someone needs to initiate a "tone makeover" in the relationship's communication style and it might as well start with you since you are the one with the complaint. Remind yourself why you love this man... remind yourself that love doesn't ask a person to choose between friends. If you aren't getting enough time and attention, then stick to that problem. Don't automatically lay the blame on the man having friends or a life-- that flatout doesn't play well when you look at it objectively. It really does work that the easiest place to go look, find answers and make changes is within. Ask yourself how to make yourself more appealing to him, then do it. Soften the tone. Ask him if you can spend more time together. Be specific but not demanding and see what he says to you inviting him to a picnic in the park or a dinner out and a long slow hand-holding walk. If you talk at all during that walk, make sure its soft, loving, supportive talk about how much you enjoy his company punctuated by squeezing his hand. Make the time he does have with you the kind of time that he would want more of... see how that works?

valinors_sorrow · Aug 26, 2006, 06:36 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Ladies your not going to like this but of all the things he could be doing, is it to much to ask if you could cut the guy some slack. Video games a couple of nights a week with his friend? I've been playing chess for 40 years and a 4 out of seven is 5 hours at least. Now if he ignored you the rest of the time okay I can see being mad. But if you want him home every night with no friends? Maybe you should chain him to the porch and walk him daily. How about sitting down and talking to him and come to a compromise where he doesn't feel he has to lie about where he goes and who he's with and what he's doing. Drop the ultimatum act though, truly a bad idea, now you got his back against the wall Oh no no. Just curious do you have things you enjoy? Does he forbid you from doing what you like with your girl friends? You do have girl friends I assume. And at 52 I'm still a big kid at heart, but my wife of 32 years compromises and takes the shackles off enough to keep this puppy happy. Communication, listening, and understanding go a long way to honesty and trust. Talk-- don't scream, ask-- don't demand.

I like it Tal LOL, I like it a lot, especially that last line... and woudda rep'd you but got the spread message instead.

LUNAGODDESS · Aug 26, 2006, 07:06 PM

What are the two of you doing four days?. call the house of his friend if you are worried... do not use the cellphone... tell your husband he does not have to lie... then,. go visit your friends... go take a photography class, ceramic class, visit your church... say hey to your family... take cooking and wine classes... be careful cooking and wine classes are great for hook-ups... so stay focus... your problem is... you have not a thing to do... keep yourself busy... he will notice the change... but first take care of yourself...

maida1984 · Aug 27, 2006, 01:51 PM

I love to go out and I would but my husband takes advantage that I have 2 small children 7 months and 3 and its dificult to go places with them all the time

valinors_sorrow · Aug 27, 2006, 01:55 PM

Okay, forgive me for being nosey here but are the children only yours? That sounded very strange to me and I don't even have kids...

maida1984 · Aug 27, 2006, 02:02 PM

No their both our kids. When I was in the hopital after having my second child he went to visit his friend and just left me alone in the hospital? I have come to think that he can be gay

valinors_sorrow · Aug 27, 2006, 02:13 PM

I don't think the problem is being adequately described here and at this point, I don't know what to say. Until it is, its very hard to come up with an appropriate answer.

maida1984 · Aug 27, 2006, 02:36 PM

I guess the problem is that my husbands friend is an alcoholic and drug addict and I don't want my hubsband to be like his friend and since I don't allow him to drink too much at home he goes to his buds house to do so . My husband doesn't want to go to AA a recommended to him and offered to help him but he blows me off and says I'm not cool .

aqua@home · Aug 27, 2006, 07:12 PM

So the picture is a little more clear now. I can see why you would want your husband to stay away from his friend's house. I have to admit this complicates things a little. Of course the children would hinder your going out. You just want to be a family and it doesn't sound like he is at all ready. I wish I had some good advice, but I don't. Just hang in there, maybe get some counselling and keep talking.

I hope others will have some great advice for you. I wish you the best.

valinors_sorrow · Aug 27, 2006, 07:23 PM

I can't speak for anyone else here but I have to admit, piecemealing out the problem in a format like this doesn't exactly bolster my confidence in you... and frankly only you can tell it like it is. And without a good description of the problem its hard to create any kind of solution.

Is the problem:
1. your husband is an alcoholic and/or addict just like his friend?

2. or he is gay and involved with his alcoholic/addict gay friend?

3. or he is immature and just doesn't like holding up any of his marital responsibilities and parties too much, especially with his friend?

4. or what?

I am confused. Let's have some straight talk from you, okay?

JoeCanada76 · Aug 27, 2006, 07:27 PM

At least he is at his buddies house. At least he is not out sleeping around. You can not deny somebody their friends. You just do not drop your friends when you get married. A couple of times a week. Yes, I would give him some slack. At least it is not everyday and at least he is at a buddies house. Not sleeping around. Maybe it is time that you went out occasionally as well. With your girl friends. Ultimatum is not a good way to deal with things because it will only back fire on you. That will only push him away further. How often does he drink? Couple of times a week?

Joe

s_cianci · Aug 28, 2006, 07:47 PM

Well, come on now! Who doesn't like to hang out with their friends sometimes? What were you thinking? Now I'll admit that he does seem to spend excessive amounts of time at his friends' houses, especially if he is staying out until 1 AM or later like you claim. Exactly what is going on in your marriage? You don't elaborate too much about that, other than to say that your husband is always at his friends' houses. I'll admit it was rather pointless for him to lie about playing pool with the co-worker when in reality he was visiting at the home of his best friend. What exactly is the difference, anyhow? Has he expressed any specific concerns that might suggest why he seems to prefer the company of his friends over you? Have you asked him about it? Also, obviously you didn't go through with your ultimatum. An ultimatum is worthless if you're unwilling to carry it out. Problem is, the next time you give him an ultimatum he won't take you seriously since you didn't go through with it previously. Never give an ultimatum unless you're willing to actually carry it out.

LUNAGODDESS · Aug 29, 2006, 06:47 AM

If your husband is a substance abuser then he will never see what you are suggesting to him... so make sure you are taking care of yourself... keep your money to yourself and out of his direction... the day will come when he will be abusive to you and if you have children he will be nasty to them... there is no such thing as a good drunk... good drunks kill too... let him hit his rock bottom... do not be a caregiver or some one that says... " ...I can't do anything any way" and give him all he needs... they will depend on you to be lacking some self care... poor association do spoil any useful habits... you are correct to try... also contact Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) and ask for the nearest family association of this organization and ask the question what I should do... the damage to your household has just begun... early recognition of this abusive situation is good... Now, start to take care of yourself and ask yourself some questions... Do I or can I stand to stay in this situtaton?