[rb08314]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for over 3 years, and are both in our twenties. He’s my first boyfriend, and I’m his first serious girlfriend. We’re having a few problems.

Since the whole boyfriend thing was new to me, doing anything in the bedroom didn’t really happen right away. Once things did start to head in that direction, it always seemed like he was nervous about it and didn’t want to do it. He always said that he didn’t want to mess up and make me mad at him, or that he didn’t want to because he hated his job (which was true), or that he wanted to make sure that he was doing it because of love, and not just going through the motions.

I would get mad probably every three or four months, because, while I understood his situation, I didn’t think it was fair to me. I should be happy in the relationship, too. We’d talk it over, with the eventual promise that things would change. That went on for about 2 years. We never even French kissed during that time.

One day I stumbled across a ton of porn on his computer; I got extremely mad because here I was miserable for 2 years and here he’s been perfectly fine getting off on that. I told him that it hurt me, and we agreed (or at least I thought) that if either of us was going to watch porn, we’d do it together. He didn’t even understand why I got upset, because in his mind me and porn are totally separate.

We both recently moved to a new city and are now living together. I will admit that things have improved, but not by a huge margin. He’s afraid of getting me pregnant, even though we’ve really only been to second base or slightly further. It seems like we only do anything once a month, and I have to annoy him about it until we do. I’d like to go further, but am so confused.

The other day I saw that he had downloaded porn on the computer; of course he deleted it and tried to hide what he had done. That hurt me because I still feel like he’s ignoring me, and that he’s still doing that even after I told him that it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t say anything.

Any advice on what to do? I’m so tired of talking about it with him. Nothing gets done. I don’t want to break up with him, either, though, because even though he sounds like a loser the way I described it, he actually is such a nice guy. He’s supportive, caring, and will bend over backwards to do anything for me (except what’s mentioned above). I don’t want to leave him, because I know I’ll never find another guy like him, but what do I do? Am I overreacting? Sorry for the long post.

[TrueFaith]

Ok the reason why he is doing :)

He is SCARED about having SEX! him not doing well. ( Like in the movies) and you not loving him for it and braking up with him

Sadly him being like this isn't helping him much.. as for the PoRn hey.. it's a normal male thing. But I can totally understand why you feel upset

He isn't scared about making you pregnant or anything like that trust me.
He is scared that he won't do well in bed.

And I think he must have had something bad happen to him early on. For him to be this scared.

Trust me no one would be with someone for 2 years and not have sex with them if there was not strong feelings there in the frist place

So can I just say.. he has found a great GIRL in you! Most girls would have just up and left.

Now as you fully know sex is not everything but it is important.

What you should do is.. try and play around more in the bedroom. Do lots of 4 play with him. Get him not so scared

And when he kisses you. Say stuff like that was the best kiss ever. You know build him up.
Don't presuer him into doing it or he will revert

And you are good enough don't let this make you think any less of yourself
This is his ISSUE not yours.

So talk with him. Ask to play some fun games in the bedroom build up his self confidance. And things will move ahead a lot faster

Good luck :)

I speak from personal views about this.
I was like that at a young age

Best of luck

[rb08314]

Thanks for your response. That makes sense that he's just scared. He's almost 30, though, and does have experience, so I don't see why he should be so frightened. Maybe bad experiences in the past, I guess?

Right now I'm sort of at the point where I don't want to do anything to help him get over it. Like you said, it is HIS issue, and part of me thinks he should be the one to get over it. I think I'm just frustrated. :)

That's another thing trying to get him in the bedroom. That's half the problem; I can't get him to do anything. I keep debating whether I should keep trying to work this out or give him an ultimatum--either he changes or I leave, but maybe I'm overreacting. Again, frustrated. :)

[talaniman]

These are the things we work on, through communications, and try to understand. He may be afraid and scared, but I think he is also intimidated.

I'm his first serious girlfriend. We're having a few problems.

After 3 years, things are changing, and your taking things to a whole new level. He will need time, reassurance, and understanding. Slow, and patient is your best path, and listen more than talk, and don't demand. I doubt if he can handle that kind of pressure.

The other day I saw that he had downloaded porn on the computer; of course he deleted it and tried to hide what he had done.

Shame, at watching, Insecurity, and fear of your reaction.

That hurt me because I still feel like he's ignoring me, and that he's still doing that even after I told him that it made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

Talk about adding pressure, to his already fragile feelings. He is scared, and you take it personally. Thats a bad dynamic to have when trying to bond, and needs to stop. Understand his fear, and give him reassurance. He needs to know you do understand (even though you don't, since you both have issues that you need to grow thru)

I didn't say anything.

At a time like that when your wrapped up in your own feelings, you can't see his, nor act according.

My advice is to pay attention to the him, and be patient, open-minded, and objective, as your own insecurities are stopping you from correctly understanding, and assessing his signals, and having the appropriate responses to those situations.

Watch the porn together, and have fun experimenting with each other.

Its a process, awkward at first, but gets better over time. Hence the patient part, and in this area, you must lead, go slow is all.

[rb08314]

You are right when you say he probably is intimidated. And I agree that I am taking all of it personally, and that is clouding my judgement to some extent.

When the issue first came up between us and all of it started happening (or not happening, I guess I should say), I was supportive. I wasn't demanding, and told him that I'd work through it all with him. We talked. A lot. Problem was that even though that went on for a year, nothing happened. I do understand what he's going through. I'm just frustrated because no matter what I try to do to help or make things better, nothing ever works. And when I spend a significant amount of time trying to help him and talk things through, and nothing does change, its honestly hard not to take things personally.

But I'll try it again.

[plonak]

Do you think there is a possibility that he has an std and he's afraid to tell you? If he never lets you look down there or touch him, that seems to me like he might have herpies or something.. maybe you should go in a different direction in your questioning..

You can't do the same thing while expecting different results.. I suggest you take a couple days to think about things.. there are LOTS of men out there that are nice and respectful.. because the truth to the matter hun is that if this is bothering you now... IT'S GOING TO GET WAYYYY WORSE IF YOU GET MARRIED! It's something to think about

[rb08314]

He doesn't have an STD--we're very open about that sort of thing, and he said that he's always used protection, and I believe him.

I know what you mean... I told him I am never even getting engaged to him until there is a consistent change for the better. In an odd sort of way, I kind of feel like we've been married for a while, and are experiencing the problems that some older married couples do (no sex), and it shouldn't be that way. I'm going to talk to him again tonight hopefully and see where things go.

[Fiona2003]

I think he is afraid to let you down. Reassure him by telling him often about the things you love about him. This will make you more attractive than porn... it is a cold refuge.

When you are intimate, take care to look for cues to see if he is comfortable. He may be scared even to say he doesn't like something.

[talaniman]

He may need some counseling as something is very wrong here. Is he willing?

[rb08314]

To be honest, I'm not sure. I think if I really pushed it, he'd do it, but not until he was threatened with the possibility of losing me.

We had a long talk tonight, and he said he is afraid of all of those things--he's scared, doesn't want to get me pregnant, and doesn't want to do something wrong that will make me dump him. We talked it out, though, and I think he's starting to get the point, so I'm hoping things will start to get better, but time will tell, I guess.

[TrueFaith]

Good luck :) trust me when someone has been in a lot of light easy relationships with girls

Where sex was the only important thing.

When you finally meet someone you really care about..
You finally understand the difference between sex and Making love

And when I found the difference.. I was so scared to make it with my girlfriend at the time.. I was like ( ahh I can't mess this up )

It took a bit of talking but slowly got into it..

If you give it time and if he is willing
Then all the best to you both! :)
But trust me on this
This has nothing to do with you OK
This is his issue :) so don't feel hurt or rejected.

[talaniman]

That's what sharing and caring is all about. Talking and listening. He sounds like he needs a lot of reassurance. Could the porn be what's intimidating him?? Do you use any sort of birth control?

[rb08314]

I don't think it's the porn. No, I'm not on birth control, which is probably contributing to the problem. We talked about it the other night, and I promised I would look into it in a few months when my financial situation improves.

I brought up the issue of going to see a counselor the other night, and he seemed really surprised, in that he didn't see what we're going through now as that serious of a problem. I don't know if he'd go for it or not.

[Fiona2003]

All of the men I was ever in a relationship with were very sensitive to financial issues... it would either effect their sleep, appetite, libido or even all three.

It's kind of like how we "don't feel right" if we all of a sudden realized we've gained weight and none of our nice clothes fit anymore.

I hope you two get through this all right. It sounds to me like you can, even without a counselor. I would only call one in if he got abusive or started to develop another problem like skipping work to surf for porn or spending all his money on it. Those would be signs of a porn addiction.

Can you think of things you two enjoy that don't revolve around sex that you haven't done in a while? Maybe go to a show or visit some friends in another town?

[rb08314]

I know he'd never become abusive, and I doubt his porn viewing would become an addiction. It's just like there's this whole other side to him that he's very secretive about. I know he's a private person, but he should be able to be honest about some things. For example, I noticed tonight that he has like 3 mini wine bottles in his dresser drawer--obviously trying to hide them from me. He put an empty one in the drawer underneath the bathroom sink, presumably so I didn't see it either. He's not an alcoholic, and he shouldn't have to hide that stuff. It's like sometimes I think I know him, but sometimes I wonder. I know I have a habit of overreacting to things, but sometimes you need to do that. Sorry... venting. :)

[TrueFaith]

Hmm hiding drink in the house.. is not a good sign..

As for you telling him to go see some help.. yeah way to put presuer on him when we told you not to.

(sigh)

The hiding drink though is something that needs to be talked about. As that just does not sound right

[Fiona2003]

He's definitely stressed out big time from the signs you have told us about.

Do not bring up the drinking thing, or if you have, don't mention it again. He's hiding it for a reason - and the reason is most likely because he doesn't want to hear about it on top of all the other things he's got weighing on him.

I know it sounds super hard to do, but I think he might need some space to work things out on his own for a while. By no means does that mean you have to take any abuse (verbal or otherwise) from him, but if you want to go out to meet friends, etc. it might be best to go alone and let him have some time to fight his battles in his head.

As someone who was on the wrong end of the stick once after making the mistake of confronting a drunk, I'd advise waiting until it either escalates or becomes a pattern. And even then, worry more about your safety than his. It's cruel sounding, but, really, someone under pressure like that is in no position to watch out for you right now.

If you see a pattern that worries you, there are Al-Anon counselors who might be able to help you determine when and if you should intervene.

[talaniman]

What are his work habits, and finances like, just to get some insights, as financial problems are a leading cause of divorce in America, even with all the cheating going on.

Hiding drinks around the house IS a very big red flag!