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kristy262 · Sep 16, 2008, 11:37 AM

I am back with my very first boyfriend (from 13 years ago) again. We were high school sweethearts and he was my first. We have been living together since June. He never wants sex. He says he is never horny. He has claimed that it is because of stress, but the other day he confessed that when were intimate, he thinks of me with my old fiancé, who he hates (10 yr relationship that ended a year ago). He says that makes him lose his erection and he almost never has an orgasm. He is always sweet and always wants to cuddle and kiss, but never wants sex. Trust me I've tried everything! He says that a relationship is not based on sex, which is true, but there has to be some. How do I get HIM to move on since I have. Is this normal for a guy to feel this much stress over MY ex?? Please help! Our relationship is perfect in every other way!

hollylovesbrandon · Sep 16, 2008, 12:21 PM

Clearly I think there are underlying reasons behind his lack of intimacy. Sure, some of it may be your ex... but there is something else going on. You 2 need to have a long talk. Make sure he knows where you stand on things with you and your ex. Tell him he's the only man for you... get rid of some of the stuff you had with your ex. Show him how much he means to you. Maybe he's depressed, maybe he's stressed, maybe he's feeling like he can't match up to your ex. You need to find the reason... once that happens, he will come around.

guest123 · Sep 18, 2008, 10:48 AM

I have tried to picture the situation. I'd want to be special to my girlfriend, now if she was with someone that I hated for a long time, I'd feel that I have lost a part of her. Which she gave to someone who is completely different from me. It could be your boyfriend is in denial and he wants to tell himself that your ex didn't mean so much to you, thus he devaluates the meaning of sex, so you effectively didn't give something so precious away to someone else. If that's really the case, you should try to make him understand what good you saw in your old fiancé, just to help him make more sense of the fact that you've been with said fiancé. Could be I'm way off though, don't know if that response was so helpful. (I entered a bogus email address, so I won't stay in touch with this forum any more.) In general, it might not be the best idea to talk about your previous relationships with your new boyfriend all the time, but maybe in this case it's called for. Steven

simoneaugie · Sep 18, 2008, 08:18 PM

Sex is part of you, part of your brain body and spirit. "Giving" something so precious "away..." That is a lie that so many of us have pounded into our head. Perhaps owning you, sole owner, a one owner deal is what he wants. Do you wish to be his possession? If he was the only guy that had ever been in your pants, are you of higher value?

He needs counselling. Maybe joint therapy with you to figure out that you actually "belong" to yourself.

beautifullily · Sep 19, 2008, 01:18 AM

First, sex is not needed to survive and of course is not the only way to show that you love each other (like you've stated). I know for some guys it would bother them to know the one they love has been involved with someone else. That would hurt definitely, but if he really does love you, he will have to forgive you and move on away from the past. Tell him to focus on himself how to help himself. Be there for him. Talk with him. If he needs to talk with you to get over it, do it.

Choux · Sep 20, 2008, 11:07 AM

You can *never* go back and recapture wonderful feelings-everyone changes... life is lived going forward.

I think you have to move on given his lack of ability to perform sexually with you. Plus, I think he is giving you excuses. He has a problem he does not want to divulge at this point.

Best wishes to you,