[lella87]

Hey guys,
Ive read all the other posts to try and get answers to my problem but couldn't come to a conclusion.. OK here goes..

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 months and were friends for 6 months before that, so lately I've been at his house a lot sleeping over and stuff and I use his computer all the time to go on msn and check emails and surf the web when I'm bored.

For the past few weeks, I've been on Google and things I have typed into the search engine have brought up past sites that he's viewed: ie: Brothals and escorts. Although it bothered me some what I didn't confront him about it because they are not in his internet history and am not sure whether he looked up those sites while he was single, because being his friend I knew how sexually frustrated he was.

The other day when I logged on, there was a pic on the desktop that wasn't there before called "Lilly dean" so I clicked on it and saw a pic of a girl in lingerie. I typed lilly dean into Google and it turns out.. she is an escort. I was pissed off but didn't confront him.

This morning, I turned on his computer to go on msn because I couldn't sleep and a porn DVD automatically started... And boy was I pissed off...

I confronted him and asked him why he did it and he didn't say much besides the fact that he was a head and felt really guilty. And, I knew he was because he couldn't look me in the face. Being a big girl, a size 14-16, it makes me nervous that he would rather look at a size 8 porno star. I have a very high sex drive and he loves me for alll of me and I know this because he's told me.. but I still wonder... why would he do it? He knows I love watching porn because we watch it together.. so why do it alone? We have an awesome sex life and I asked him the other day if he was happy with our sexlife and he said yes..

So what in the hell is going on and should I be worried?? Im really hurt, I asked my guy friends there opinion and they said it was normal for guys to look up porn, but not as much when you have a girlfriend. And what's with the escort and brothal crap?? Hes not the cheating kind of guy.. and he agreed when I told him that he wouldn't like it if I watched porn alone by myself that had hot guuys in it.. Do I let this pass and get over it?

[tilly22]

I would let it pass its not like your married and have children together maybe he's got to get use to having you as his girlfriend and not a friend, not only this it maybe his secret sexual fantasy doesn't mean he's going to act on it, why not wait till you have been together longer you will learn so much more about each other emotionally and sexually, I'm sure he wouldn't cheat, but I wouldn't jump to conclusions either id let it pass!

[kp2171]

No perfect answer here.

Consider masturbation. Why would my wife use a vibe when I'm asleep in the bed across the hall? She had a hot shower, was naked, felt a jones for a big "O", and mentally maybe wanted the privacy. Now... having come into the room after and knowing she did right by herself, does that tick me off? Not so much. As long as we are still having a good sexual relationship in bed, I'm fine with her being a "problem solver". In fact, I think her needing a fix, even without me, is sexy. If self stim makes one partner less interested or responsive in bed, then its an issue.

Same with porn. Personally, I think visual stim is only OK when both partners see it as appropriate. And usually less is better... the more sexual crutches you need (key word is need, not like) to have good sex, the more distance you have connecting. My partner loves a glass of wine before sex. She doesn't need it, but it helps her relax and get in the moment. I see visual stim as the same... if it helps you without being a crutch, then there's no issue. If you need it to get stimulated, then its something worth talking about. Doesn't mean its wrong even then... its just a condition of the relationship.

By the way... I wouldn't worry one second about him comparing you to another woman, though this is the most common complaint here when women write in about porn... if I see a woman naked with a stunning body in a movie I never think "i wish my wife looked like that"... its more along the lines of "look! breasts! i havent seen her breasts before!"... I know. Its pathetic, isn't it? But true.

I swear, if you lined up three beautiful women, all with bodies that were alike, and showed him the first one naked in all its "perfection"... and then asked him if hed want to see that one again, or would he take a chance on one he hasn't seen before, a lot of guys would go for the unknown. That which he hasn't seen. Its not about comparing and contrasting... its simply about the seeing.

A similar view into the twisted male mind. My partner sometimes showers with the bathroom door open. She sometimes changes clothes in her bedroom with the blinds up. She has done this when she knows I'm around and can see her... through the gap in the shower curtain or if I'm in the backyard working by her window. Now... I could go into the shower and see her naked up close, or I could go into her bedroom and see her up close... but the voyeur aspect is a reall turn on. It's the same body, same curves, but different presentation. Guys are visual apes like that.

Now... before this thread explodes into argument.. I think what is acceptable is only what works for your relationship. If his exploring these sites is over the edge, time to take a hard stand... and be willing to lose him over the ultimatum. Don't make threats you cannot back.

Looking at escort sites doesn't mean he's not just looking at more flesh... but I completely get your anger. It does seem little more personal. If my partner found something like that, wed have some serious discussions about what I was planning...

Likewise, if she was looking at male escort services, id go through the roof.

Time for some serious talking. I don't have so much a problem with him looking at some things in your absence, since you are willing to look at it with him... but I'm not going to tell you that you are wrong for being upset. The escort thing... that bugs me... maybe he's just visually playing out a fantasy... most people have some fantasies that aren't "appropriate"... but it does seem a bit closer to the bedroom.

[ktfrear]

Just to add to kp2171, I thought he had a great answer. Guys are NOT mind readers, no matter how apparent something might be, they usually do not pick up on things. I know with my husband of 13 years, if I don't just tell him what I want or need from him, I can just expect he doesn't know.

I see nothing wrong with what he is looking up or watching, everyone needs different things to get off. But now that he knows you do not like it, is he going to continue. The 1 common rule between me and my husband is if 1 one us has a problem, with anything at all, even if the other does not see it that way, there is a problem. When you guys talk about it, ask him, is it worth me hurting for you to watch this? If yes, can you or more like should you, put up with it?

[Choux]

The results of snooping are always bad, nothing good comes from snooping on another person. I think your relationship is probably already over.

Just for your information, porn is acting. There is no way you should compete with movies made to give quick ejaculations to men via masturbation... you have so much more to offer as a real woman if you only develop your sexuality and self-confidence. :)

Have you considered that perhaps you are too "young" to have sex?

Best wishes,

[lella87]

Hey guys thanks for all your comments and answers. After writing my question and reading the anwers of questions similar to my own, I decided to be mature about it and solve the problem myself rather than asking strangers.

I realised how much I over reacted and probably scared him more into doing it without me knowing and was wrong to make him feel guilty, so I spoke to him about it and asked him what he liked about watching porn. It had nothing to do with me but purely fantasy and he said the reason why he watches it is because he couldn't work up the nerve to ask me to try new things with him. So problem solved we went sex shopping and have been having some awesome fun!.

And P.s my relationship is definitely NOT over. If anything the chat made us even more in love and stronger as a couple.

Thanks everyone