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We just broke up and I can't figure him out.
My ex and I have been living together for almost 2yrs. We were deep in love, he had a ring and was just trying to pay it off before he gave it to me. We have had some money issues and I have been supporting us. He just started working at a new job and the hours are long. The money situation was looking like it may start becoming better, but we were still having issues over it. He has started drinking a lot more lately though. He used to be a big drinker and there are drinking problems in his family. Lately it was getting bad. I found out he was going out after work for a beer or two and then coming home. He was home every night with me and I had no idea.
One day we got in a fight and I told him I couldn't take this and he went out drinking and came back a angry drunk. The next day he went to work and I told him he had to stop then found his phone and inappropriate text messages between him and a girl he works with. He admitted to them being inappropriate but swears it did not go any further. I packed up his stuff and kicked him out. He had to rent an apartment and we recently met to talk. I regret breaking up with him and want him back so badly, he was my soulmate. He just kept telling me he is still so angry but when he cools off you never know what will happen and to relax. Now that we are done he is just focusing on our bad qualities none of the good and he said he is sooo angry at me. Once he is done being angry he said he needs to figure out if he still wants to love me. How can he love me one day and the next day hate me? Not sure how to do this but these are more things that are bothering me about this: All your advice is so helpful, thank you! It just hurts so much to think of everything I have been doing to help this guy. He has had such a tough year with jobs and I have been supporting us as best I can and he has been trying sometimes. It hurts me to have him be so angry with me when if I never kicked him out he would still be preparing to propose. I broke up with him and he is turning it around trying to tell me he has been so unhappy. But it doesn't make sense, if he was so unhappy why didn't he leave and why was he still trying to propose? He did meet me to talk the other day and all he kept saying was that he was so angry and could not think of anything good about us. He owes me a lot of money which I will probably never see and went out and rented an expensive apartment. Everything he is doing is so out of character from the guy I was dating and I wish I knew why. Why is he not hurting? Why do I still try to help him? Why is he still lying to me? Why is he turning this whole situation around on me? Why is he not getting rid of the ring he bought me either! Is is possible for him to not love me enough after this to come back to me? |
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Hey! I have been in this situation minus a few things. First, I have to tell you. Love is blind. I dated this guy for 4 yrs and was lied to about drugs and some other stuff. We just broke up on New Years & it broke my heart. I am still hurt over the situation. But I just want you to know that you are worth more than that. I know you love him & you probably go to bed every single night with him on your mind & think about him during the day & wonder if he thinks about you... but you have to realize that you are something special. You deserve to be treated with respect at ALL times. No one is perfect. But drinking is a serious problem. Just think about 5-10 yrs from now if you get married & then if you have little babies. If he is really willing to work on y'all then tell him he needs to go to AA meetings... There is one more thing you are going to have to overcome. Okay, TRUST. He broke it & even if you forgive him.. you are going to question everything. You can't do that. It will eat you alive. SO if you are going to make it work... you seriously have to let everything go. If the same bad habits show up again I would leave and never look back. I know it's incredibly hard. One more thing (man I am write'n a novel, ha) w/ the girl at work... I had similar thing happen to me. I see it this way... I won't fight for a guy. If he doesn't realize what he has/had... one day he will. There is a great quote I heard once: "If he is stupid enough to walk away...be smart enough to let him go"
Well I think you get the point I just really felt like I needed to answer your question. I don't know if you are a church-goer but you may want to try it. God has helped me through this ordeal & has just given me peace in my heart. He is real & loves you & wants to help. Hope everything looks up for you! Just remember you deserve to be treasured. Blessings doll |
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So he has a history of alcohol abuse. He is an angry drunk when he does drink. He was cheating on you (seeing/talking to someone else inappropriately IS cheating). And you want him BACK?
Do you know what message this sends him? He'll believe that he can do whatever he wants, and you'll never be able to get rid of him. He'll turn into the same old "I can change, i'll be a good boy", and things will be fine and dandy for a while, then everything will go right back to the way it was. You need to find someone who doesn't abuse alcohol, who will treat you right, who will put your best interests above his own. This guy doesn't do that. He's a dud, get rid of him. Unless you want to be miserable, then get right back together. I know such a couple, she always told me "i hate him i want out" then the next day "we were so GOOD together, i love him" etc like that. She just got out of the hospital 3 months ago because of what he did to her. Never touched her before in 7 years, but I knew it was coming. Your story reminds me of that one. By all means, if you want to be the woman that seeks that type of man instead of a prince, then go ahead. |
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He is angry, so let him cool off, and think about it, with no pressure from you.Give him the space he needs. Does that mean sitting on a pity pot, wondering what if?? No, use this time to get your own act together, and learn to love yourself enough, to not put up with HIS crap, as you deserve much better, and there is no excuse for settling for less, from someone, that mixed up.
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No, use this time to get your own act together, and learn to love yourself enough, to not put up with HIS crap, as you deserve much better, and there is no excuse for settling for less, from someone, that mixed up.
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Hon, you did the right thing by making him get a place of his own. When threatened, you took charge of your world. Don't ever second guess that.
This guy doesn't sound like relationship material right now. Maybe he was in the past, maybe he will be in the future, but not right now. You said, "Once he is done being angry he said he needs to figure out if he still wants to love me." Umm... Darlin... get yourself some good, old fashioned "I don't THINK so!!!" attitude in you and realize what you just said! You did the right thing by kicking him out. You saw a problem and FIXED IT. You took control. Don't go giving him back the control of your psyche by thinking that this is all going to be swept under the rug if he "figures out if he still wants to love" you! You're better than this, sweetie. Take time for you. Really. Kudos for the courage, that takes gumption. |
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All your advice is so helpful, thank you!
It just hurts so much to think of everything I have been doing to help this guy. He has had such a tough year with jobs and I have been supporting us as best I can and he has been trying sometimes. It hurts me to have him be so angry with me when if I never kicked him out he would still be preparing to propose. I broke up with him and he is turning it around trying to tell me he has been so unhappy. But it doesn't make sense, if he was so unhappy why didn't he leave and why was he still trying to propose? He did meet me to talk the other day and all he kept saying was that he was so angry and could not think of anything good about us. He owes me a lot of money which I will probably never see and went out and rented an expensive apartment. Everything he is doing is so out of character from the guy I was dating and I wish I knew why. Why is he not hurting? Why do I still try to help him? Why is he still lying to me? Why is he turning this whole situation around on me? Why is he not getting rid of the ring he bought me either! |
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He's a loser. A jerk. A bum. A "butt-faced-miscreant." (TV show quote, sorry. My inner Gilmore Girl came out on that one!)
That's why he's not hurting, still lying, situation turning, void-of-character proving! He's a jerk. He's not good enough for you. Pure and simple. |
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 Originally Posted by sunshine79
You want to help him because you have feelings for him. He is lying to you to make you feel bad, guilty, or to get away with something. He's turning it around on you because... OK this will be a semi-long answer. As a man, I subconsciously know that I have this "power" over women. It's not even a power I have, it's that women in general are very emotional. Men know this and use this to their advantage. At the drop of a hat, I could make any girl Ive ever been with feel guilty, or make them feel any way I wanted them to feel. Who cares what he does with the ring. Maybe that's part of the ploy. He wants to manipulate you back into the abusive relationship, and can't do that if he gets rid of the ring. Who gives a hoot anyway! Why are you still talking to this guy! (GRR!) He's just a weighted object that's dragging you to the bottom of the sea. If he doesn't care for your well-being (obviously) and lies (obviously), that makes him selfish. If he's selfish, then there is no freakin' way he will be this great guy. Ever! He's a loser, a dead-beat, an imbicile, etc. Drop the zero, go find yourself a hero! ... after you're done healing and learning to love yourself, of course. :) |
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I'm probably driving everyone crazy but he's making me insane.
I'm trying so hard to move past out breakup and get him out of my mind. Unfortunately when you have been living together for almost 2 yrs there are lots of things that pop up and need to be handled. Long story short yesterday when we were handling more of our collective issued when I mentioned this is just too hard and can we get everything taken care of as fast as possible because it hurts too bad. Then I said something wrong and asked for the truth from him to help me move on. I asked if he has moved on and he told me he only moved on to work, nothing else and to relax. I asked him to tell me he did not love me anymore because I needed to hear that. He told me that was harsh and could not. He said all he wanted was for me to relax and give us time. What does this mean? Sometimes I wish I wasn't a virgo to read into everything! |
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He is trying to re-establish his control over you. He's trying to re-wrap you around his finger.
Don't let him do that! Watch The Holiday. Its one of my favorite movies for more reasons that I can say. There is one line in there where one of the characters says "I've had enough of this twisted, toxic THING between us! I have a life to live... and you're not in it!!!!" Harsh, yes, but if you have ever been in the situation where you KNOW you need to stop dwelling on a relationship and move on with your life, you'll sympathize with her, cry with her, and realize that you are just as "gumption-ie" as she is! :) "In life there are two types of people, the leading lady and the best friend. Be the leading lady of your own life." And keep your chin up. Don't give him back the control that you've so admirably displayed. Control your destiny, girlfriend! :) |
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I'm going to have to disagree with you Historian... She ended it with him, so the guy feels hurt and betrayed. You left him so now he is afraid you would do it again, and it seems you left him out of anger which is also a bad situation and makes the guy uneasy... The worst thing to do is tell him to tell you he doesn't love you, you ended it with him, don't try and make him feel guilty you know? Just give it time, if it's worth waiting for, then wait. But only you know if it's worth waiting
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Good points, Rome, yes, she did leave him, and yes, I'm sure he does feel hurt and betrayed. But the reason she left him was because he was a loser and an angry drunk who was cheating on her with someone else...
I don't know, but when a guy comes home drunk repeatedly and cheats on me, I'm not really one to care about if he's uneasy or not. Maybe he shouldn't be made to tell her that he "doesn't love her anymore," but this guy has a history of alcohol abuse and unfaithfulness... I'm not too sure I'd want him back if I was her. But, you're right Rome, only she can know if he's worth waiting for. If she is willing to overlook their history, then more power to her! And, she'd have more patience and forgiveness than I. (Oh, Rome, Thanks for not giving me a reddie on that one... :) but doing the whole "disagree" thing the right way, I really appreciate that! :) ) |
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Ha ha yea, because I agree with the majority of the post you wrote, and after rereading her original post, I see how the situation could be sketchy at best. Dating an alcoholic is a very troubling thing, especially if he is a recovering alcoholic who is relapsing. I would advise leaving the situation until he gets help, abusive relationships are always hard to leave but need to be left alone regardless.
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Lol yea, I know what you mean. While I have never been involved in an abusive relationship, I have seen one. An ex-gf of mine her father was abusive and would hit her on more than one occasion. He got so out of control one night while I was over there and was breaking things and went to hit my ex and well.. I kind of had to put him down, and made sure he stayed down until the cops arrived
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