[hollylovesbrandon]

Here's the deal. I have been married for about a year and a half. We have been together for about 5 years and I love him more than anything. He is absolutely wonderful. Also, we have no kids (just to set the scene for you).

My husband is 6'5" and I am 5'3". He weighs 350 lbs and I weigh 200 lbs. He is starting to go to the gym and workout and get buffed up and lose about 50 lbs. We don't have the money for me to go to the gym as well. Also, I am happy with the way I look. I was raised to be happy with yourself no matter what. I worry about a lot of stuff and I try not to make my weight one of them. My husband loves me for who I am and how intelligent and sweet and beautiful I am... not for how much I weigh. I feel comfortable in myself and I am not unhealthy.

Anyway, my question is, do you think I should be worried that he will get in such great shape and start noticing other women? I am so worried that he will find me repulsive once he's in a little better shape. Should I step-up to the game and workout at home and go walking and things to show him that I'm on the same page even though I'm happy with myself?

I'm worried about losing him, but I don't want to give him the false impression that I'm not happy with myself. I also don't want to give him the impression that I am just doing it for him (and I would be). But, couples are supposed to do things to make themselves look more attractive and excited right? He already thinks I'm beautiful, but once he gets in better shape and he CAN get someone better, will he want to? I'm just a little worried.

Help please!

[Fr_Chuck]

I would not worry, he does and should love you the way you are.

And you should not workout and do something just for the other person.
Now with that said, if you want to lose some weight for your own health, then great do it for you, but be sure that is the reason.

But if you can't afford for both to go ( first is there a Y or a county gym that you both can go to for free or cheap. I know here in Atlanta there are many. But why not save the money and you both work out at home together.

[CaptainRich]

Whoa!! Slow down just a little!
Are you happy with yourself? Or happy with the way he'll perceive you?
Is he happy with the way he perceives himself for you?
And is this the way you want to lead your lives??
You state that you two have been together for some time, at different levels... It seems to have been mostly due to your mutual fondness for each other! Love that and live with that!
Know your own center and stay within yourself.. That is what is important, regardless!
Do you know what I mean?

[twinkiedooter]

If I was 5'3" and weighed 200 lbs I'd definitely start on a diet and lose some weight. Honey, you are setting yourself up for some dandy health problems if you don't already have them. Diabetes for one, heart disease for two, if you get pregnant you will end up weighing much more after you have a baby and can't get it off no matter how hard you try.

Yes, give me the old I'm happy with what I look like jazz, but I'm not buying into it honey. He wants to be fit. Being that tall and weighing 350 is going to kill him in short order. He has the right idea to want to lose weight. You should also take a good look at yourself in the mirror and seriously re-think your body and what damage you are doing to it down the road.... not just right now..... but when you are say 50 years old and can't catch your breath as you weigh too much and have heart problems and take a handfull of pills to stay alive every day.

Start on a sensible diet for one thing. Cut out all the sodas rather they are diet or regular. Cut out all the junk food and fast food. They are real killers.

Just because he goes to a gym does not impress me. He needs to combine a sensible diet and exercise or he's just fooling himself also.

If you really want to help him and help yourself, start losing weight now before you get much older. The older you get the harder it is to get rid of the weight as our metabolisms slow down.

I am not being mean, I am just telling you like it is. And yes, he will slim down and get himself a "matching mate" to boot. Gyms are a great place to meet women, if you haven't already figured this out for yourself and the lame excuse of "we can't afford me to go" doesn't wash, sorry.

[hollylovesbrandon]

I understand your point. But I am not unhealthy. I am not gaining weight excessively. I have been this weight for 5 years now. I am going to start working out, I understand the importance of making myself MORE healthy for OUR sake. Thanks for the advice. And we really don't have the money for me to go to the gym... I don't care if you buy it or not.

[Fr_Chuck]

I am sorry, some people have no idea about real life I guess, yes for health is great but you should do it because you want to. And again, that is why you found someone that loves you for you, not someone that wanted to change you. And you are also right, feeling good about yourself is first and foremost important, if you are happy with yourself that is the most important thing in life before you do anything else.

And I would say forget about 1/2 of what twinkle said, they were being mean for really no reason that I can tell and they must be rich where not affording something does not happen, it sure happens in my world,

[kirriky]

Trying to be mean or not, but twinkie was right about health; 5'3'' and 200lb is not healthy, go check the body mass index, this ratio gives you a 34 when 30 is the obesity limit (20 is "normal" ). And obesity means lots of health problem, now or in the future. Of course it's different for everyone but we're not talking 10lbs, but 60! (to get to a more or less healthy weight). Why is it him who gets to get fit though? There's enough money for him to get healthy but not for you? Why not find a cheaper option that would include BOTH of you, or go trekking every weekend or something?

[twinkiedooter]

I'm beginning to think she just wanted us to all say yes, honey, it's okay to be overweight if you feel good about yourself. I disagree with you in that you are young now and can haul around all the extra weight.

Try picking up a 50 lbs bag of dog food and carrying it around about 20 feet or so in a store all by yourself. Heavy, insn't it? This is essentially what you are dragging around every day - think about it. That is NOT healthy by any sretch of the imagination. The fact you have been lugging this around for the past 5 years tells me you essentially don't want to do anything about it. You're waiting for the "magic pill" to appear so you can take it and voilà be thin again. Not going to happen, honey.

And everyone who told her that it was perfectly OK for her to drag this extra baggage around every day, shame on you for encouraging her to keep the weight on.

[Gloriouss]

I read your post and found that you have a worry about something which has never happened and (touch wood) with Almighty's grace, will never happen. He loves you and will love u, and this is the fact. Still, you worry, and you are not wrong. If you are getting worse and he is getting more handsome day by day, there is point (naturally) to worry about, and so, do one thing, think of ways and means to get in shape, if you really think you need to. About sources and else, you need to think. But, sure, life does not stop anywhere.

Secondly, he loves u, u said, not becoz of how you look but as he loves you as you are so in terms of your wit (IQ), beauty (u said so) and your sweetness (I envy, really!). Still, if you worry only god knows why you worry, as you know, if you are obese, you are no more b'ful and so you need to keep yourself fit in terms of these three parametres as said here.

Luckily, we human beings have gift of the gab, negotiation skill and a right to ask, to share and to show, or not to show. You can 'ask' him, if he does not find anything bad with the way you look now, as 'u r getting more and more gorgeous, and I... ' and do not use the words like 'fat, obese, healthy'. I believe he ll open his heart.

Moreover, if he loves you really, as you said in your post, he shall (SHALL, not will) tell you if he finds anything wrong with u.

Last but not the least is my suggestion, as based on what my fren Lcuy did. She feared that her husband may lose interest in her as she went darker. She had qualms but she never talked to her hubby. One day, she went to the parlor and got her self metamorphised. She got a bit fair, and went to her hubby. He kissed her, and said, you are looking so so so b'ful. Next day, she thought that her husband loves her fairness and went for further fairness. She became sort of whitish, and when she went to hubby, he said, "What the hell is it? I hate u, u look so artificial."

He told her later on that he liked her wheatish complexion and when she changed herself a bit, he did not mind and rather kissed her to pose as if he loves her still, as she might have got herself faired, for her own liking. But both of them never expressed their likings and dislikes (personal) and so the mess. Take a leaf out of their (Lucy and her hubby's) life!!

Tell, what is the lesson and reaction and impact of my preaching!

[hollylovesbrandon]

I don't know how you seem to know exactly how tall I am and how much I weigh. I am 5'3" and I weigh right at 200 lbs. anyway, I am starting an exercise routine for myself, as I feel I do need to lose a LITTLe weight. I would be satisfied with 20 lbs. I am starting a new job tomorrow so we will have money for me to go to the gym as well. And I will. I appreciate all your advice, whether cruel or not, it needed to be said.

[Gloriouss]

Sorry, if I hurt you anyway and if I seem cruel to u, I was correct or not, tell? I told you on the basis of my experience and my thinking and I may may must must have been incorrect too, just my opine, and about your height and weight, I learnt it from here and I am not worried or concerned about it, as I just advised in general as these facts and figures are not for 'reader' or so to take in consideration and aobut being cruel, I pardon again.

One more trick!
What about change in hairstyle, and if he can notices it and says, 'u done it nice?' then he is really in LOVE too much but if not, it means he ignores, it is what my friend NANCY applied, as she snipped off her knee-touching hair to a sleek and cute BOB, and her hubby said, "WOW"

[twinkiedooter]

Good for you! Once you see the weight start to come off with a sensible diet and exercise you will be much more satisfied with yourself and yourself esteem will soar, believe me. I just wanted to kind of wake you up a bit as you have your whole life ahead of you.

I was 200 lbs when I had my son. I am 5'2". Due to my being this weight I had very serious complications due to eclampsia, my blood pressure went thru the roof and I almost had a stroke. I almost died as well. The dr told me that I was extremely close even during my labor to going good bye. I did lose the weight and am porportional to my height now.

May I suggest the new South Beach Diet or the Dr. Atkins diet? I've had good results with Atkins but you don't want to stay on that very long. A friend and her hubby went on the South Beach Diet and he lost more weight quicker than she did. He was a very big boy like your hubby at 360 and she was tiny at 5'1". She did lose the weight she had gained from being pregnant though. They are both doing fine with their "new bodies" and are happier than ever.

[hollylovesbrandon]

The thing that keeps me from the Atkins diet is that my mother-in-law was on it, once she started to lose weight, she got pregnant! Lol. It was like, oh wow! I don't have the money to buy any special foods is the problem. And I work at a fast food restaurant right now. Since my husband is a big man, he tends to eat a lot more than I do so I have to keep a lot of food in the house... I guess I give into temptation. I was 170 lbs when he met me and I guess I have let myself go a little. I still am satisfied with myself, but I should to it for my health if nothing else. Thanks for all the good advice guys, it helps to know there are other people in the world that have these problems and worries!

[Choux]

Sorry to hear about your worry.

I don't think you have to worry right now, but it is a wake-up call for you showing you that you need more interests in your life than just being devoted to your husband and work. I think a few visits with a life coach would be very helpful to you, and you would enjoy them very much. All positive input. (Husbands and wives have to be careful that they don't get "stale" so that their partners take them for granted)



Best wishes in 2008!

[hollylovesbrandon]

Gloriouss, I am not sure as to what you are asking. There is a little bit of a communication barrier. I'm sorry. But many of these "diets" we refer to can be find on the internet by going to google.com and searching, and there are a lot of online diet programs. Have you hear od Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers?

[KalFour]

Hi Holly,
Firstly, I don't think your husband is likely to up and leave you just because he's lost some weight and you haven't. I'm sure he loves yo as you are, and nothing's going to change that.
That being said, I think everyone should be encouraged to be fit and healthy, and losing a little weight probably wouldn't hurt. I'm glad to hear that you're going to the gym, but you could just as easily (and more cheaply) try simple things like walking more, or inventing a simple daily exercise routine, and watching what you eat.
Keep yourself healthy, and everything else will be easier for you.

All the best,

Kal

[Gloriouss]

Where has my post gone to? Did someone delete it? Sorry, if I committed some mistake. Sorry!

[smoothy]

I understand your point. But I am not unhealthy. I am not gaining weight excessively. i have been this weight for 5 years now. I am going to start working out, i understand the importance of making myself MORE healthy for OUR sake. Thanks for the advice. and we really don't have the money for me to go to the gym...i don't care if you buy it or not.

You can do a lot at home, without a gym. And yeah speaking as a guy than has some weight to loose himself. Its not about how you feel. I'm comfortable with my weight as I carry it fairly well (I'm 5'11 and 220 lbs), but it's the health issues that the extra weight will aggravate as I get older I need to avoid as much as is possible.

I don't think anything mean was intended by the other poster. My wife is the one that has taken the effort to stay in great shape (she's in better shape now that she was 17 years ago) and watch her weight while I am the one that's been a bit lax. And yeah, some very good points have been made about losing the weight for those of us carrying more than we should... and most of us do belong to this category.

I have more than one thing I need to watch for due to things my family history High (blood pressure, arthritis, heart disease, colon cancer, cholesterol). And while we don't have money for either of us to go to a gym there is a lot we can do at home. True it might be easier at a gym, but you can do most of it at home.

Feeling good about yourself when you suffer high blood pressure, diabetes and arthritis from being overweight most of your life is sort of an oxymoron. All of those are less severe at a recommended weight, and sometimes even go away when the weight is lost. And yeah, more than one doctor has told me that. I'll be the first person to say it isn't easy. Habits are hard to break.

[Synnen]

I moved Gloriuss's post, and made it into her own question.

I felt it would get too confusing to have both questions trying to be answered in the same thread.

You can find her post under "Weight Loss".

[kp2171]

will your husband stray because he will be more fit and will look at other women? I doubt it, but I can't get in his head. And he is likely looking at other women now... its how guys are wired... and he's faithful to you, right? Guys are going to look, whether they are 50 lbs lighter or not.

is your question really are women going to be looking more at him and giving him attention because he's more fit? Don't know. I have a beautiful wife who gets hit on. She can handle it. She's grounded in the marriage. It can be that simple.

a couple of points I don't want to pound but I agree with. First, as you age your metabolism will change. Staying the same weight now doesn't mean you will be able to sustain it. Its just life. It sucks. I've been through three major shifts in my metabolism that required work on my part to be where I want to be physically.

working out, whether at the gym or at home is just as much about long term health, and its worth making it a priority. I'm really, really not trying to lecture you... I workout partly to look the way I want, but also to be healthy and present in my wife's and my sons future.

two options: workout dvd's are cheap and you can put them in whenever it is convenient without leaving your home. A really good option for starting. Also, the ymca has payment plans that can be structured around your financial ability to pay... meaning if you say we'd like a fam membership and we can only afford X amount, they might work with you... just an option. I have been told they don't turn people away for money reasons, and we've been long time members for some time... it feels more comfortable, its not the "hot spot" where all the "skinny people" go to connect. Just a thought. Its free to ask them about structuring affordable membership dues.

other point is with weight drop his self image might improve. Not saying it was bad before, but its always a boost when you accomplish something like that. This could lead him to making working out a regular part of his life, which it should be regardless of self image. If you are able to get yourself into a routine, its something you can do together. I'm in no way a workout fanatic, but I do have a schedule, and some of the time its with my wife... its one more way to connect, support, and interact.

and don't be surprised if his libido goes up. A stronger self image, not to mention a stronger body, can result in this.

to end on a "happy note"... my cousin is in the best shape of his life. He was never really heavy, but hed put on some lbs and he wasn't active. Now his body is in a powerful place. Has he strayed from his wife who is kind of heavy? no. she claims he actually likes "bigger girls" (her words) and so does he... not every guy wants the stick figures that strut down the runway. My cousin is a prime ex of a guy getting fit and not straying for one second from the woman he still loves and he still finds attractive and sexy. He's just wired to be attracted to her. I'm guessing your guy can be the same.