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southpointes · Jan 24, 2006, 04:35 AM

I have this friend whom I know since high school. Well on Friday I went to the Heat game at Hooters with him, his girlfriend, my girfriend and two other friends. They agreed after the game to go to a strip club and we all agreed. Once in there my friend's friend which I had told my girlfriend I did not like one bit started buying drinks for the women and started acting all nice and being the center of attention. My sister and her husband joined us that and we all sat towards the end in a corner. Well my girlfriend started having drinks after drinks and next thing you know they got involved in a game that consisted of giving each other cherries mouth to mouth. I thought they were going too far but then again these people are my friends. Somehow my friend ended up giving my girlfriend a cherry and accidentally grabbed her bottom lip and was too drunk to notice(as they said) which I found to be an excuse to something so disrespectful. My girlfriend had too much to drink to notice and she says she doesn't remember ever touching lip to lip. My sister saw it and told me to forget about her and move on as she thinks my girlfriend is just not good for me. Well my friend ended what was almost a 5 year relationship and all because of that kiss. I love this girl but I don't know what to do.
My relationship with my friend is over because no matter how mucho he had to drink he should have respected me as I respect all my friends and I don't think alcohol should be an excuse. I think if I should forgive him just because he was drunk then we should all get drunk and as long as we're drunk, no stupid thing we do should count right?. I THINK NOT!!
I think he took advantage of my girlfriend and kissed her because she was drunk beyond recognition. My girlfriend does not remember a single thing about the kiss. It was hard for me to tell her or actually convince her that she was taken advantage of since she would never do such a thing as she respects me with all her heart.
My question is:
Should my girlfriend deserve a second chance knowing that they both kissed but she was drunk or,
Should I end a 5 year relationship just because my friend betrayed me in just 5 seconds and kissed the woman that I had come to love?

bizygurl · Jan 24, 2006, 04:54 AM

I have been pretty drunk in the past, and while alcohol does make you do things you don't normally do, I don't believe you don't have ANY control over your actions.What your friend and girlfriend did was disrespectful and you have every right to be angry. I find it really funny how people get completely wasted, do something inapppropriate, and then use the excuse "but I didn't remember a thing, or I had too much to drink" It's a bunch of hooey! I had to learn that lesson ounce the hard way when I was 21 and now I know my limits so I don't get out of control.

Everyone is different in how alcohol effects them and every one should set limits for themselves. If you know that you may have the tendency to do something inappropriate or something that you would regret then you should know yourself and stop drinking before you get to that point. Many people don't and that just isn't right.

If this was the first incident and your girlfriend is truly sorry, and promises it won't happen again then I would give her another chance. But don't be played for a fool if she does this again. Many times people will say it will never happen again, then it does and they use that stupid excuse "well I don't remember" She needs to be responsible, just as you would be responsible when you drink and not driving. The same should go for your actions when you drink. Ounce it can be exusable the second no. And what does that say for how she values your feelings and your relationship?

As for your friend, that is really your call. I wouldn't be so quick to judge him though and say that he took advantage of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend could have easily done the same to him. This behavior goes both ways. Both were drunk, both should be responsible. If he is truly sorry then I could see giving him another chance. Just be aware of next time when all of you go out and see if the behavior happens again.

fredg · Jan 24, 2006, 06:23 AM

Hi, southpointes,
At 64 yrs old, married now for 28 yrs, I can look back on my "drinking days" many years ago.
Please forgive your girlfriend and your friend.
I was going to give an "approval" comment to buzygurl for her answer, but got the old "pop-up" saying pass it around some more!
But, back to your question.
Alcohol is not an excuse, but being drunk does relieve some people of their common sense; believe me, I know! A kiss, when drunk, does not mean your girlfriend does not love you, or that your friend is trying to betray you. It just happens; anyone who has ever been drunk (and it depends on "how drunk") has does done stuff that later didn't even remember, or is ashamed of.
A normal person can handle 1 oz. of alcohol in one hour, without getting drunk. Their pancreas and liver will digest the Acetone in the alcohol, leaving them sober. More than 1 oz. in an hour will leave them either passed out, or very sick. It depends on how many oz. of alcohol a normal person has in one hour.
I a guessing that your sister doesn't get drunk very often, and if so, has never kissed anyone while being drunk, just out of "not knowing what she is doing".
Please believe me when I say that too much alcohol will make people do what they would not ordinarily do. Many pregnancies result from this!
I do hope you can find it within yourself to forgive both your girlfriend and your friend. When your girlfriend said she doesn't even remember kissing him on the lips, she is probably telling you the truth! A sign of being drunk is not remembering what happened.
I do wish you the best, and hope all turns out OK.

phillysteakandcheese · Jan 24, 2006, 08:29 AM

So I understand - You're at a strip club, you’re drinking, your friends are passing cherries mouth to mouth... And you’re surprised that a little kiss occurred?

I think your friend made a bad decision in being playful - probably because he was drunk (and I agree, not an excuse). However - You should talk to him about it. If he really is your friend, he'll admit it was a bad move and apologize for the mistake. You can forgive him and move on.

I think your girlfriend was just having fun and it went a little far. If your girlfriend is sorry and respects you as you say, this one kiss shouldn't end it all. Accept her apology and move on.

Don't be stubborn and let a little thing like this cause you so much torment. Forgive and forget.

southpointes · Jan 24, 2006, 01:02 PM

This was three days ago and my friend has not called me to even say what happened. I think that based on what you guys have written, alcohol does play an important role in this. If my girlfriend comes to me demanding forgiveness, I think that I will find a place in my heart to forgive her, just because I know she would not do this if she was sober. Now I know that my friend was drunk but to this day he hasn't come up to me or face me like a man. His girlfriend knows what happened and he knows and still would not approach me. What he did was stupid and inmature and I don't think I'll ever forgive him, at least not at the moment. Maybe if time goes by and I'll grow out of it then I may give it a thought. Thank You guys for all your opinions and all your past experiences being shared.

Wildcat21 · Jan 24, 2006, 01:05 PM

Time for a new girlfriend. Period, end of story. Alcohol or no alcohol.

It's a form of cheating.

It sucks, but that would be a deal break in my book. She does this IN FRONT of you... what the hell is she doing behind your back? Seriously.

THIS WAS NOT OK. NOT OK. She may be testting you to see what the hell she can get away with.

bizygurl · Jan 25, 2006, 04:49 AM

On the subjet of your friend, I agree he should come and talk to you or at least apologize, that would be the right thing. But sometimes when people do stupid things and they know it, they become extremely emabrressed by the situation and what they did. Have you tried to confront him on this? If not I would, just ask him why he never apologized for what he did. If he explains that he was embaressed and couldn't face you BUT then apologizes for it then if you feel he is sincere then I would forgive him.

On the other hand if you already confronted him and he never apologized then he's a jerk. We all make mistakes and we are all guilty of doing something we aren't proud of, but if we don't make it right then it will appear as though we don't care. If he is a good friend he should apologize to you, you deserve at least that.

talaniman · Jan 25, 2006, 06:57 AM

Hi Southpointe,sorry you are distressed after a night of fun and parting,While not to minimize anyone's action I am a little taken back by your actions.If my g/f were drunk and started to act inappropriately I think I would have had to at least protect her from doing something that she may regret later.Since you were there and did nothing,are you more mad at yourself than your g/f or best friend?Sometimes we need to look at the part we play in situations before we point blame at someone else,you are not so innocent in this matter!:cool: :eek:

Wildcat21 · Jan 25, 2006, 08:46 AM

Talaniman - that's sounds so easy - but in reality he just couldn't for that.

talaniman · Jan 25, 2006, 10:11 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Talaniman - that's sounds so easy - but in reality he just couldn't fo that.

There lies the difference between youth and experience:cool:

southpointes · Jan 25, 2006, 01:11 PM

Hi talaniman.
In a way I kind of blame myself but you know what, it all happened so quick that 3 days had to go by before I could think back and see everything clear. That night I would have never thought that my friend would have given her a cherry and better yet he didn't ask me for it. Like I said I may have some fault in this but I did not see it as clear back then as I do now. Do you think that I wouldn't have stopped that if I had seen it coming? Bye the way this is my friend from high school whom I trusted blindly.

Wildcat21 · Jan 25, 2006, 01:26 PM

I think you need to talk to your friend about it. What were his intentions AND make it clear you didn't appreciate it one bit.

talaniman · Jan 25, 2006, 02:56 PM

My whole point was for you to see the whole picture.I felt it a little unfair to be mad at everyone else and for you to see yourself as an innocent victim.As is the case when a lot of drinking is done,people are bound to clown somewhat,and not really know what they are doing let alone remember everything they did.Trust me we all have been in this situation more times than we care to admit.Forgive those around you and yourself,but remember what can happen when alcohol is involved and how people can get a little carried away,that's why you have a designated driver for your own safety and someone sober enough to tell the drunks what they did last night.:cool:

southpointes · Jan 25, 2006, 10:52 PM

I can't forget what my friend did to me and if I'm going to put all this behind me I don't ever want to see his face because it will just remind me of what he did. I don't trust him and I'm not going to forgive him and then react another way behind his back because that's how I strongly feel about him. In time maybe but right now I'm too hurt to go and talk to him when he should be the one talking to me.
Now, talaniman, I'm not saying I'm totally innocent and I should have stopped it but I didn't see it as clear as I see it now. I only ask this of you, put yourself in my shoes and tell me why should I blame myself for something they did? Until it happens to you, then you can say forgive him and hang around with him everyday, it will just be a slap in the face but hey, let's blame the alcohol. You know what, bull****, if he can't hold his level of alcohol then he should have never had more than he could take. I know it's not up to him to stop because once you keep going there is hardly any stopping. All I'm saying here is I lost all the trust in him and I can't see his face in front of me so, why go to him and forgive him when that's not how I feel and even if I do I'm not going to hang around him like I used to or trust him anymore.
Let me wrap it up for you talaniman. Me = Hurt and I blame myself a little bit for not putting a stop to it earlier; My friend = hasn't called me, not even to ask me what happened that night or to know the reason why I'm mad at him(and he knows I'm mad) and I will not call him when he was the one who created this, and forgive him? Well, there is a GOD for that. I just can't, sorry.

talaniman · Jan 26, 2006, 03:38 AM

I feel you and your anger and no I never said to hang with him everyday or even to trust him again. A lot of times we don't see clearly until later,and we are often angry about the way it turned out and we all have wished we would have done something different.Like I've said in previous threads I've been in your shoes more times than I care to remember.Your anger will do you no good and how can you move on unless you forgive yourself first and all others,I'm sure your friend knows your angry and he may be a little ashamed and afraid to face you for now, but you will see him in time and you can talk to him about it but for now take it for what its worth ,a mistake on everybodies part and move on,easier said than done I know.Don't beat yourself over the head over this,its not worth it and I have no doubt you will cool down and see things even clearer than you do now, in time. :cool:

Wildcat21 · Jan 26, 2006, 09:10 AM

Hey southpointes - have you heard from your gal? That's the real key. Is she trying to contact you? Is she saying it was all a big mistake/misunderstanding? Or is she being a be-atch and blaming you.

There are so many women out there - with friends like that, who needs enemies. That guy is a creep for doing that. I agree with you shutting him out as well. He was out of line completely - way out of bounds. Is he that big a loser that he needs attention from YOUR gal?

southpointes · Jan 26, 2006, 10:48 PM

Thanks for your opinion talanima I appreciate that and to you tto wild and everyone else in here. Yes I have heard from her. First she tells me she doesn't remember kissing him, second she called me and told me she feels sad and ashamed about what happened. She says that she can't even look at my face and I don't blame her. I still haven't decided what to do and I'm not going to decide right away. I don't hate her or anything but I'm angry at her for doing this to me.
A little bit about my friend so you guys understand why he is garbage no matter the amount of alcohol he carries.
This guy met my girl's best friend and they hooked up, after just days he was bragging about how easy he had sex with her and how fast. He had sex with her and pinned her down as he c... inside her against her will, then forced her to stay in bed and not go wash up for 30 min so she could get pregnant. This is her story as she told it to me and others. As a friend I never had a complaint from him until he did what he did to me but, as a man he disgusted me and I never approved his acts. I know he doesn't need alcohol to disrespect someone and why I'm I going to forgive him when I will never look at his face ever again. No point in setting a conversation when I do not care for this man anymore, he's dead to me. Wild I know you understand me, I'm just trying to knock some sense into talaniman. When a friendship is broken, you hardly ever trust that person again so there is no reason for forgiveness, as to erase all this from my mind or forget myself and maybe my girlfriend well, maybe one day but not him, not ever.

CaptainForest · Jan 26, 2006, 11:05 PM

If you honestly can't find it in you to FORGIVE her, not just accept it, but forgive her, then you need to dump her and move on.

But if you can forgive her, then give her another chance if she promises sincerely to never do it again and to watch her alcohol intake as obvious she had too much if she “cant remember”. But if she does this again to you, then dump her.

As for your friend who kissed her. Try to forgive him if you can. He is just as responsible in this as your girlfriend and it is unfair to only blame him here.

talaniman · Jan 27, 2006, 05:03 AM

Its your life you don't have to convince me of anything, all I ask is for enough facts to make a decision.The good thing about advice is you don't have to follow it if you don't want to.:cool:

bizygurl · Jan 27, 2006, 05:14 AM

Southpoints, only you know your friend and what he's capable of. I can't blame you in the least, because what you have posted here, he sounds like a real ---hole. Obvious you feel very strongly about his lack of character and trustworthiness. And I feel that if he hasn't come to you yet and apologized then your better off without him. I have plenty of expirence with these friends before, and I've defenitly learned from them. You can't trust everyone. And If they want your respect they have to earn it. To many people just demand it. Sorry your friend turned out to be a real jerk, that's unfortunate.