[Luvgirl]

Hi, I'm 18 and my boyfriend of almost a year is 19. Since th first moment we started dating we became really really.. hot, he tried to grab my chest, and it was he the one that stopped his hands that first time, he used to shake to contain his hands that wanted so bad to touch me, and I looooved that. That was day 1 of our relationship, I don't remember well, but by the end of that week, we were at my place and were making out and touching each other, and he keep on trembling when he got to my chest or my , and all of a sudden he stopped and I felt really bad, like he didn't wanted me or like I wasn't pretty or hot enough, so I turned around and told him that if I wasn't enough to him he could just tell me it was best to get it over with right away, he looked at me and called me stupid and started to kiss me like I was the only thing on his mind, and that was the first time we 'played' with each other, making the other reach an orgasm but never touching each other parts. The next day he confessed me that he wanted to wait to have se with anyone until marriage, and I was shocked because, 1. I never truly believed in waiting till marriage & 2. He was so damn hot and sexy with me the last night.

We had a fight that time for that, because I didn't see a end to our relationship like that, so unilateral. But he finally told me that he thought that to wait until taking a commitment more serious was enough, and that by that time it would be OK. I dropped the subject for months, cause I was kind of secure in that way, besides with time we became more and more active in the foreplay and the games we were playing, we started to get more trust in each other and that meant that we became hotter and hotter, really.. I mean we were together like every day, and the months past. I became more and more in love with him. And about 2 months ago, I started for the first time to make him a blowjob, and the first time he was okay, a little shocked but okay, later we were in his bed and I started to do that and he suddenly stopped me and said he wasn't comfortable, cause he couldn't see me doing that to him because he thought only the sluts girlfriends of hi friends did that, and I don't remember how, but we got to the sex topic. And we were talking, and I said that I thought that he was teasing me by doing this, by playing like this with me if he didn't even thought about having sex with me. Finally after an entire weekend fighting about that he told me that his final decision was to wait until marriage and that he was giving me the liberty to break up with him if I wanted, but he wasn't going to change his mind. I was shocked and told hi, crying, that I was really sorry that he did that because he was making a discission that involved booth of us by himself, and at the top of thing he was putting me against the wall because it was either all or nothing, I obbviesly didn't break up with him, and just told him that I was resigned to that but not okay with it. He told me he wanted to marry me, not now of course, but by the course of two year, I told him no way in hell I was marrying him in two or three years, that I wanted to have a career first, and that meant to have to wait 6 TO 7 YEARS TO DO IT.


Now I'm so troubled, cause I think that I have something wrong with myself, I mean, its normal to want to have sex with your boyfriend right? Your boyfriend who is tall, has muscles, blonde, a killer chest and legs, and yyou're absolutely crazy about him?. I know there are people who wait way much longer than that, but I mean, I just want to show him that I love him in every way and and every level. We do EVERYTHING except sleep together, after the last fight we talked and he let me touch him again and gave hm oral sex, and in return he did it to me as well, a lot less than me, but I'm kind of okay with it, we've seen each other naked, even his parents think we are sleeping together and are okay with that as long as we are safe and don't get pregnant.

I don't know what to do, and I have no one to talk about this, I feel like I'm pushing him sometimes, or that m being the 'guy' in the relationship by wanting to have sex and he's being the 'girl' by stopping me, I know how that sounds, but how could I find the only guy left in my town that doesn't wants to sleep with his girlfriend.

I accept advices please, I don't know how to handle this..

[N0help4u]

Bottom line is you have to accept his wishes if that is what he wants. He gave you your choice to wait or get out now.
It isn't about compromise in this case because you have to respect each other for who they are.
There are other things in life that you have to either agree on or else move on.
What if he wants 6 kids and you are dead set against having any
Or you want to live in the city and he wants to live on a farm

There are some good books on abstinence that may help you see things from his perspective.
Two of them are
Why Wait
And
The Silver Ring Thing


Also I have always said that the more sex partners you have the more it 'numbs' you to your deepest emotions. I finally found the other week what I was talking about it is called oxytocin.

Hug the Monkey: Oxytocin: The Book

Oxytocin - Why Love Matters - Associated Content

Respect your boyfriend and recognise you have someone really special.
You are going to have to compromise with marrying him before 6 years or wait or move on.
If you push him he may end up resenting that he wasn't ready and did anyway

[Gemini54]

I'm sort of confused because you may as well be having intercourse, it sounds as if you're doing everything else. The awful thing is he's doing to reluctantly to please you and you're doing it with frustration expecting more.

Bottom line - if he wants to wait until marriage you need to either get out of the relationship or respect his wishes. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he was constantly pestering you for more?

[Luvgirl]

You're making me feel like I'm the bad guy for just wanting to have sex with him.. :(:(:(:(:(
And I did put myself in his position :(

[BlackVY]

You are not the bad guy for wanting to have sex with him, but if its against his wishes, you need to respect that and not push him.

I know people equate sex to love, but that's not true. Sex is sex, love is love. You don't always have to love the person you have sex with, so you don't always have to have sex with the person you love.

[Luvgirl]

I know, I totally understand.. but is just that sometimes I just feel like he plays with me wanting to do that.. it makes my head hurt when I think about why he keeps doing certain things when he clearly doesn't want me that way :/

[N0help4u]

Swati please do your own post... it most likely won't get answered here and now.

you're making me feel like i'm the bad guy for just wanting to have sex with him..:(:(:(:(:(
and i did put myself in his position :(

N0 your not the bad guy you are just different in this area in that you have your wants and he has his and they are two different things.
But you really can't put yourself in his position and fully understand it until you can agree, see the good points of why he wants to do things the way he wants to and accept and respect his ''rights'' to wait until marriage.

I agree with Gemini that you really all ready have gone too far with somebody that wants to wait.

[N0help4u]

i know, i totally understand.. but is just that sometimes i just feel like he plays with me wanting to do that.. it makes my head hurt when i think about why he keeps doing certain things when he clearly doesnt want me that way :/

I am not trying to get 'religious' or anything here but the Bible teaches about abstinence and it says it is better to marry than burn meaning the solution is ''get married''.

If you love him soooo much why don't you just go for it and marry him?

Often we have our plans and then things change and we have to compensate for the change(s) but in the all in all everything works together.

[Luvgirl]

Yeah, you're right, but I do believe that marriage is a huge commitment and I'm not read for it, besides my mom would cut my head off if I told her that I wanted to get married at 18.

Sometimes I just feel like he's forcing me to think about marriage, when that should be the last thing in my mind..

Even thoe I know I'm forcing on him th idea of sex, I'm clear about that but I truly don't know how to handl the situation.
I know that we've done way much that a normal couple who wants to wait would do, maybe that is what is confussing me.

[N0help4u]

If you love him work toward the idea of marriage. If he is right for you it will all work together in there right time.
You may not want to get married at 18 but if things are going good at 19 maybe start making plans to get married.
I am sure this guy doesn't take relationships lightly so you probably do have a good guy you don't want to lose.

Read some of that stuff on why it is good to wait and find similar stuff maybe it will help you to be on the same page as him.

[Luvgirl]

Yeah..
He's the best, really, I couldn't loose him, it'll tear me apart.
I've read soe of that stuff, but I can't get my mind around it, to me it just feel useless, I truly want to be with him forever, so I don't really know what is the difference.
But it doesn't matter, its not like I push him, we just talk about it sometimes, now less than before cause he knows that it's a sensible subject.
But I could never give him an ultimatum like he did with me, it would just be wrong and I'll feel like trash if I that to him, it would be like forcing him to sleep with me.
I think it all mixes up with the feeling of rejection and not understanding well.

[N0help4u]

That is the thing you have to not let what you are conditioned to believe get in the way of what you have.
He is not rejecting you.
My ex husband started ignoring me and I KNEW he was cheating on me and me being young and stupid thought that if I am always wanting to get him in bed he will forget whoever it is he is seeing BOY WAS I WRONG
You have to establish the solid relationship first. That is why I believe so many teen relationships fail. They want to build the relationship around the sex. It can't be done because once you have the sex you have a deeper emotional bond and tie that when the relationship goes bad you are still hanging on for dear life. Then when it is over you have a harder time dealing with the hurt.

[Luvgirl]

That's absolutely true, but I'm guessing you can imagine how hard it I for me not to feel rejected when he says stuff lke that.
Of course I'd want to bbuild a solid relationship first, and I truly believe I have one with him. He's the person (outside my family) that matters the most to me, and I kind of feel like maybe I'm not that important to him, but then I remember all the great thing h does for me, how he supports me, stands by my side when things are rough with m family, and how he runs when I need him, how he adores me, you can see it in his eyes that he's just as nuts about me as I am for him.
Im confused u.u

[N0help4u]

Yeah keep looking to the positive things rather than your desires. Look at the bright side too.
If you weren't with him you would probably be with some jerk that really didn't give two hoots about you and only wanted sex.
You know your boyfriend is genuine.

[kirriky]

I don't see how it's going to work out. Only one year has passed and you're already frustrated enough to see advice on a forum. How will you be able to wait 6 more years without sex? Apparently, to you, sex is more important than it is to him. Will you not feel resentful towards him if he refuses to have sex with you for the following 6 years? (BTW, a man who says only sluts give blowjobs is kind of a red flag in itself, especially if that's not how you feel about the issue).

You two think differently about sex; how many other things do you disagree on? You said he wanted to get married in 2 years, but you want to build a career first. What deas each of you understand by "marriage"? Does he want you to build a career, or to nurse his 6 children?

My point is, you two are different. He may be tall, blond, fit and caring, but more often than not, this is not enough. In order for a relationship to work, you need to have a similar worldview, similar goals and beliefs. If his beliefs make you feel uncomfortable, unwanted and resentful.. well, why bother?

[Torrid13]

I understand why you feel kind of like he was playing with you if he wanted to wait, but you have to remember that just because a person wants to wait doesn't mean they don't have desire, passion, and lust the same as people who don't wait. Slip-ups are natural, especially when their partner is pushing the issue.

On his part, I think it is a very noble decision to wait, seeing as how most relationships these days are built around sex. Also the fact that he was willing to let you go your own way after he made his decision instead of saying, "WELL IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME..." or something similar.

I agree with N0Help: it sounds like he doesn't play around when it comes to relationships, and I would hold onto him.

Even though it's extremely hard, respect his wishes. Don't try to seduce him or persuade him otherwise, either: he'll lose respect for you, and doubt that you really care about his feelings and beliefs.

Also, don't put yourself in situations where the temptation is overwhelming. If by some chance you did go all the way, chances are he'd feel REALLY BAD, & so would you, once you see his displeasure.

I'm not going to say it gets easier as time goes on, but you'll get to a point where it's like a goal for both of you, and you want to help each other along the way, not hinder progress. Just enjoy this time to get to know him better, and be thankful you're not dating someone that just wants to you use you for sex!

Good luck!

[lalasavannah]

My fiancé was like yours from the beginning. He said he would wait. We bothh had sex before so I was likevwhy? He was still sure of his answer. He loved me so much all he ever did was something to make me happy. However I started pressuring sex to the point where we started to. Then it went on and off for months. He was just trying to please me. I was starting to question him and myself.. then our relationship started getting bad. We ended up breaking up for 3 days then got back together and we worked on things now we're engaged. I know he loves me and its hard to excerpt that he just wants to wait. I want him to want me! I understand were you are coming from.

[smoothy]

You did notice this thread is from August 3, 2009?