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aspen73 · Dec 23, 2014, 05:24 PM

I am a 44 year old recently divorced woman with two kids. I have been online dating for sometime and at some point came to realize that I could attract men in their 20s. Since then I have dated and been intimate with a few guys in their 20s. Im not looking for a relationship and either are they so its worked fine so far. Recently I was contacted by a 18 year old man. I didn't take it seriously, but flirted and teased for my own amusement. But he surprised me by the maturity of his sexual and non sexual messages, and he is quite attractive. I gave him my phone number even though I knew I shouldn't. We have talked about meeting, and even though I keep thinking I need to stop talking to him and not meet him, because I know where it will lead, I still do. I guess I'm curious if anyone has experience with this, and mostly I'm concerned with doing anything that could hurt him. And is this unethical? What do people think? Keep it constructive, please, thanks!

Fr_Chuck · Dec 23, 2014, 07:50 PM

Most likely a great sex partner, and you both will have great stories to tell. For long term, not really, since interests will change,and each at a different place in their life.

Alty · Dec 23, 2014, 09:44 PM

He may legally be an adult, but there's more to being an adult than reaching your 18th birthday. Is he ready to take on a woman with two kids? How old are your kids? Likely they're closer in age to him than they are to you, they can play together.

He's still very much a child, and yes, you could hurt him terribly by having a relationship with him. I can see a relationship with someone in their mid to late twenties being okay, but at 18 he's just starting his life, either finishing high school, starting college, and likely still living with his parents.

tickle · Dec 24, 2014, 02:24 AM

You seem to want just the sex then, and that is okay if both parties realize exactly what it is, what is wanted, and agree to that kind of relationship. Call it 'friends with benefits' BUT you know, and you indicated in your wording that you realize it may harm him and yes, I agree with that, only because of Alty's comments and I do agree with her. He may sound mature and indicate he knows more about things then he should at such a young age, but I really don't think this is a good idea for you two to get together sexually. If he falls for you then you are really in a pickle my dear. There is no turning back because he may not be mature enough to handle a relationship of sex only.

There is the other side of the coin too, if you have not been through menopause at 44, then you are still in child bearing years. Are you ready to get pregnant with an l8 year old father ?

aspen73 · Dec 24, 2014, 07:41 AM

Just to clarify a few things. He is out of high school, he has a full time job and is starting college in January, he does not live with his parents. We both have talked a lot, and have agreed this is not a relationship, he just left a two year one with his high school girlfriend. But I also am concerned that although he may say that, he could get in over his head if it went on too long. Also, my tubes are tied, so no pregnancy in my future, but then again, I am not about to have unprotected sex with an 18 year old. Chlamydia is pretty common where I live, especially amongst the young.

J_9 · Dec 24, 2014, 07:56 AM

Personally I think it is sick at your age to be targeting an 18 year old. Obviously I don't sugar coat. IMHO it is borderline pedophelia. While he is "legally" an adult, he isn't mentally.

Jake2008 · Dec 24, 2014, 09:09 AM

I think that while you do this online thing to hook up with young men in their 20's, for sex- some probably as young as early 20's, it is questionable as to why you would think it was okay to hook up with a kid 26 years your junior.

While the flirting and chats may be for your own amusement, as you say, what comes of that kind of behavior is what you put across- you attract young men who figure they are going to get laid, because that sexual talk and innuendo is a logical conclusion to what you say to them.

You are now pushing the envelope by wondering if this young man of 18, being 26 years your junior, is OK to hook up with, or if it is a question of 'ethics'. I don't think ethics has anything to do with it. It is morally wrong. It is morally wrong no matter how mature you think he is- but for all you know, he and his friends are following the conversations online while you chat the guy up with hints of sex. Doesn't the whole idea of sex with an 18 year old seem a bit desperate and needy on your part?

If the situation were reversed, and he was 44, and you were 18, would it seem appropriate?

I think the whole situation you have created, by having sex and finding amusement by entertaining sexual conversations with young men, is the problem. There are obvious dangers to your behavior, right down to giving out your phone number. Just what is it you are looking for? Love? You won't find that with an infatuated teenager who is looking for what you want to give him- sex.

If it's not love, but purely entertainment to you, you are sliding down a slippery slope thinking that being morally bankrupt is a good, or safe place for you to be. It could be dangerous as well. Not to mention that any friendships that happen which include your children, if the sex toy mentioned starts coming to your house, is also harmful to them.

As you start cultivating your new relationships, things seem to be more of a risk taking in my opinion. Entertaining an 18 year old is a mistake any way you look at it.

As you are recently divorced, maybe give yourself some time, on your own with your children, before looking for love in all the wrong places.

joypulv · Dec 24, 2014, 09:26 AM

How old are your children? They are the # ONE consideration. Doesn't matter how discrete you are; they usually find out or sense something. That's just one part of all this. The other is danger inherent in online encounters, no matter how much you 'talk' and think you know someone. Stalking, breaking in to steal, giving you disease, falling hopelessly in love, being creepily crazy in a way that doesn't show right away.

If your kids are under 18 themselves, cool it until they are out of the home.

CravenMorhead · Dec 24, 2014, 10:19 AM

I came across something called the campsite rule a while ago while ready Dan Savage's column, Savage Love:

Campsite rule

In a relationship with a large age and/or experience gap, the older partner/more experienced partner has the responsibility to leave the younger/less experienced partner in at least as good a state (emotionally and physically) as before the relationship. The campsite rule includes things like leaving the younger/less experienced partner with no STDs, no unwanted pregnancies, and not overburdening them with emotional and sexual baggage.

Be thoughtful of him and his sexual future and you'll be fine.

aspen73 · Dec 24, 2014, 02:03 PM

I read Dan Savage frequently, and value his advice, so thank you for reminding me of this campsite rule, which I had forgotten about.

aspen73 · Dec 24, 2014, 02:09 PM

And by the way, no one should please assume I don't put my children first. I have full custody, but they are with their father every other weekend, so that is the only time I date anyone of any age. I would never do anything I thought was dangerous to them. I meet people in public first, get to know them, before anything further. And to assume that a man of my age is less of a threat is foolish. I have dated men of all ages, and have actually found the younger ones to be more respectful of boundaries and families. I don't know why that is exactly, maybe they just haven't had the time to become disgruntled yet. Also, I don't hunt these guys down. Every one of them contact me first, and I turn down most of them. Also, I don't do online dating for the specific purpose of finding young guys. I don't even date that much or spend much time on these sites. If someone contacts me, I get an email and check on it. It is just that an overwhelming number of the men that contact me are in their 20s. Maybe it is because there are more guys in their 20s on the sites I use (they are all free, I don't do the pay sites). But I'm open to date someone of any age if I like their profile and what they have to say to me. I'm a pretty good judge of character, and so far they have all been thoughtful, honest, and reasonably mature. But I know there will always be folks that feel this is bad, and you all make good points. But please don't assume I'm some needy pathetic woman looking for love in all the wrong places. I'm not interested in love right now. And I'm an educated, professional, well paid, and happy person. When I am ready for a relationship, which I do want someday, I will not be dating guys in their 20s, lol.

Alty · Dec 24, 2014, 03:46 PM

So you're in it only for sex and companionship? That's even worse when it involves an 18 year old child.

Meet up with the guys in their 20's if that's what you want. But leave the 18 year old child alone. Try to remember what you were like at 18. No one at 18 is mature enough to handle an adult relationship of any kind, especially one that's only for sex.

Obviously you have plenty of other guys to choose from, so choose one of the others for your entertainment.

tickle · Dec 24, 2014, 04:17 PM

Aspen, I hear you and I have no judgments. Best advice is, no l8 year olds, however mature and wordly he speaks and seems. Take care.

talaniman · Dec 24, 2014, 05:22 PM

You are free to explore and experiment, and have all the fun you want. Be smart, be honest, be careful, because exploring the unknown has its bad turns, and experiments can go wrong and not work out.

You are old enough to figure out what's best for you, and what to do when it ain't.

Talaniman Rule- Date them all! Short, fat, skinny, or tall! 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!

Fr_Chuck · Dec 24, 2014, 07:20 PM

Not all of course, but many 18 year old guys, are online, to find sex, at 18, he may prefer other 18 year olds, but will not turn down a older women. I can image a 18 year old guy, about ready to jump into bed with anyone he can.

I am not judging on a sexual relationship, if this is all it is. And it is of short term, it should not be a real issue.

Alty · Dec 24, 2014, 08:00 PM

I have to disagree that it's not an issue. At 18 he's still a child. As I said before, there's more to being an adult than reaching your 18th birthday. This could scar him in many ways. He's not ready for this sort of entanglement.

talaniman · Dec 24, 2014, 08:20 PM

18 is consenting adults, maturity is from experience. Any event in life can scar you, not just sex. You live and learn. That doesn't mean what people do won't piss off, or freak out others. Its still between consenting adults.

Hard to keep others out of your business no matter what age. The point about the kids is well taken though.

aspen73 · Dec 31, 2014, 04:32 PM

Well I guess I should provide an update. I did go through with it. We have spent two evenings together. It was honestly, and I know for some of you will be disturbing, the best sex of my life. I have never been with anyone who was that patient, physical, and affectionate. His skills blew me away. And he is no child. I communicate with him about it constantly, because I do want to make sure he is OK. But he is the aggressive one, not I. He iniated this all, not I. He took the lead on everything initially, then I did. We plan on meeting again another time. But I think it will be the last time. I don't want emotional entanglements, and I think we can leave this at that time in a good place. I did things I hadn't done before, he did things he hadn't done before, and we are both happy with it. I'm not at all saying that sleeping with an 18 year old is typically OK, but it worked out this time. I won't do it again though. I'm getting tired of sex only relationships.

tickle · Jan 1, 2015, 01:51 AM

Aspen, good for you, keep it simple and no entanglement.

DoulaLC · Jan 1, 2015, 06:21 AM

I have to wonder if this hooking up with young men you meet online has been merely for an ego or self-esteem boost? Maybe, maybe not, but look at it honestly and give it some thought. You certainly wouldn't be the first person who has done so during or after a recent divorce.

If one of your children had been the 18 year old, would you be okay with it?

It sounds as though you have pretty much worked it out for whatever need it filled for you at the time and are ready to make more mature decisions. Good for you... I hope you find a truly mature and lasting relationship when and if you desire to.