[hard2find]

I need impartial advice; hopefully I can get that here. I have been in a relationship for a little more than a year. Like many relationships it has not been smooth sailing. I wondered at various points if we were really good for each other, but I love her and I feel she love me in spite for some of her behavior. The real problem surrounds lies. Things really started going down hill fast after I caught her in a first lie about her whereabouts one evening. She told me she was home when she really was out at a nightclub. I’m not domineering; I give her freedom, so she did not have to lie. The worse part was that I had to drag it out of her. We went around and around for hours. Finally she fessed up, but promised to never do it again. Less than a month later we were in the same situation again, lying about her whereabouts and again the same struggle to get to the truth. I don’t know if she was cheating or not, but it seemed like a lot to go through if things were just truly innocent. I was pretty done at that point, but decided to give her another chance. Shortly, after the second situation I found out that she was signed up for an online dating site. She said it was an old account, but I found out that the account was current and she was actively on it. I did not confront her about it for a few months, instead just watching her activity. I signed up with a test account so I could see her activity level. Well, it may come as no surprise that recently another round of lies about her whereabouts and again more of a struggle to get to the truth. This time there was a so called “friend” in the picture. Of course I’m suspect of this “friend” because she has lied so much already. This time I approached it as a problem she has that I want to try and understand, but at a certain point I just became so frustrated that I told her it was over.

Now, I will say that I’m not perfect, but I’m honest with her and a very loyal person. There is no violence, no money problems, no former girlfriends hanging around. We have had some terrible argument about much of nothing. From the first lie I have wanted to be able to completely open my heart up again because the trust was fading. I don’t feel she has ever really stopped lying long enough for me to be comfortable again and she says that my coldness, which I have been, causes her to continue to be this way. I don’t feel I’m the blame for her lying, but I do feel she has a serious problem. We have had good times before the lies started and in short timeframes in between the lies. She has done very nice things for me, takes care of me when I’m sick, makes sure I’m eating well, calls me often and in general I think she loves me and care. How long can I be expected to deal with dishonest behavior, which continues to drag down the relationship? Can I ever expect that the lies will stop? I’m I and have I been a fool. Once again she is asking for another chance…..

[manimuth]

Trust is crucial to a happy and successful relationship. So far, she has given you enough reasons for you to loose your trust in her and it doesn't seem like things have changed. Once you are given a reason to loose trust, that is the beginning of the end,. unless you both work hard at regaining the trust you lost. You have to decide whether you can give her another chance (which means you have to take a risk and be willing to give her a chance to regain your trust) or decide if the lies have hurt your trust, for her, beyond repair. Just don't stay in a relationship with no trust. Love is not enough without trust.

[hard2find]

Thank you for your response. I agree that trust is one of the KEY component to a successful relationship and at this point there is zero amount of trust. To me if someone lies repeatedly, knowing how much it will damage the relationship, then either they don't really care as they claim or they have a problem which they cannot control. I'm having a difficult time determining which this is... If she has a real problem then I don't want to just give up, but at the same time she has to WANT to change...

[Jiser]

I lost trust in a previous relationship, it went all down hill from there, her fault. Perhaps its best if you have some time apart to reflect? Or you could communicate with each other about how you feel. Good couples can work through problems.

[cissy0801]

Well let me tell you this...

You should give her some time and just talk it slowly to her and let her get it in...

I think she lies so much because she is used to it and cannot stop it...
I know how it feels and I have a friend in year6 that does the same...

I just give her multiple chances here and there and then I slowly talk it through with her during the phone or at school...

I think things would be all right after you just encouraging her...

And most of all you just need time... :D

[talaniman]

Maybe she has a problem to big for her to deal with, and until she does address it, nothing you can do but leave her alone and let her work on herself. That doesn't by any way means to wait for her to get it right, but protect yourself by getting a life without her, and giving her a chance to see and solve her own problems.