[Embarrased]

More than once I have found porn sites on my boyfriends phone and computer. I am young and have explained to him that it makes me feel uncomfortable and that I don't like it but I have found it again since then. I'm not sure if this is where I am meant to post my question but replies from girls and boys would be great. It makes me feel worthless and really disgusting. I don't like it at all :(

[Justwantfair]

How old are you?

[smoothy]

Second that, how old are you.

[Clemintine]

I have the same feeling about it, makes me feel worthless.
Though I can tell you from telling him over and over in detail how much it upsets me won't stop it, it will just make things awkward for you and him. He now reports to me how often he has masturbated, so I can know because I want to (but don't want to) but also because he feels guilty and ashamed now.
I'd say I've royally screwed things up... My advice is tell him exactly that, how it makes you feel worthless and disgusting. Maybe ask him to stick to written porn (it can be good too). Or suggest he hide it better if it's a case of just running across it as you borrow his computer or phone. Then after saying that once in a way that really sinks in, stop looking through his stuff for porn (If you are purposefully searching for it). Don't ask him if he's masturbated or anything. Ignore that, pretend it doesn't exist. You will feel happier not including yourself in that part of his life, it's a personal thing for yourself and for him. Guys do that, it's healthy and a normal thing to do, I feel like almost necessary for dudes to jack off (I'm pretty sure it is a way to keep their genitals in good health).
Now if you are walking in on him masturbating to porn, or say he starts too when your in the house making food and he's at the computer doing his thing... Or if you notice him turning you down for sex or the sex isn't as good. Maybe he could take a break and you guys could talk it over in more depth...
I know this may not sound like the best, and you would like to rid his life and yours of porn all together, but it's his body and his choice if he would like to indulge in this you don't have a right to force him not too. If it came to that I feel the relationship would become unhealthy and fast as well.. from personal experience. The best thing is make sure you communicate how you feel about it in a calm non-blaming way!
Good luck!

[Alty]

This is the adult sexuality forum, therefore we cannot offer any sexually based advice until we know the age of the poster.

[Clemintine]

Well, hopefully my advice wasn't too sexually explicit !

[Embarrased]

I am only 18. I wasn't searching for it at all and I just stumbled across it, the same as the other 2 times. It makes me feel really worthless and really unwanted and I have told him on 3 separate occasions that I don't like it but I feel as though every time I use the computer it's on there. Thank you so much to the person who replied a decnt response. It made me feel better knowing I'm not the only one but I actually feel sick to the stomach about it :( maybe I'm just a stress head :(

[Enigma1999]

I am only 18. I wasn't searching for it at all and I just stumbled across it, the same as the other 2 times. It makes me feel really worthless and really unwanted and I have told him on 3 separate occasions that I don't like it but I feel as though every time I use the computer it's on there. Thank you so much to the person who replied a decnt reponse. It made me feel better knowing I'm not the only one but I actually feel sick to the stomach about it :( maybe I'm just a stress head :(

Looking at porn isn't a bad thing...

A lot of people (men and women) look at it.

I think you are taking this the wrong way as if he is not happy with you. I'm pretty sure he is happy with you.

I do find it hard to believe that you just happened to "stumble" on it.

[Synnen]

WHY do you feel worthless?

What about porn has anything to do with you?

Are you willing to give up Disney films and chick flicks? Those give the same unrealistic message about "happily ever after" to women that porn allegedly gives men about sex.

Those women have NOTHING to do with you. Ever read a romance novel? Ever actually expect a guy to be like the guys in the novel--REALLY? Or is it just a nice fantasy that you indulge in and move on?

Look, you ARE young. But you need to realize that your boyfriend looking at porn is just that--he's LOOKING. If this is something that you are going to be unhappy about in the long run, you're better off breaking up with this guy and looking for one that doesn't look at porn.

If you FIND that guy--please let us know where, so we can send other women to that place too.

In the meantime, please determine--either by yourself or with a counselor--what EXACTLY it is about porn that makes you sick. Once you identify what the real problem is, you will have an easier time determining how you will deal with it in relationships.

But you are clearly not happy, and asking him to stop is clearly not fair--unless you are willing to give up something of equivalent value that he hates but you like. Doesn't have to be sexual. Say, for instance, you like to go shopping occasionally. Or you like to have dozens of pairs of shoes, even if you don't need new ones. Are you willing to give up something that YOU truly enjoy, just to make him happy? FOREVER?

[Fr_Chuck]

Agreed, if it is not effecting your relationship with him and not giving him unrealistic sexual beliefs, a large percentage of men look at some adult material ( i.e. porn as you would call it)
In some cases, it even helps couples who view it together, if they are having some problems. Men are much more visual than women are ( in general) so having some and looking at it once in a while, or sharing it with the "boys" is one thing, if he is spending hours watching it and it is effecting his or your life it is another.

It has nothing to do with "YOU"

And how does not just "happen" to find it on anothers phone, I guess I can't see why you were looking though his phone to start with. Was he sitting there watching you look though his phone

[Homegirl 50]

If she feels bad about it and has told him so and he continues to do it it does effect the relationship.

When you have explained how you feel to him, what does he say?
If he is going to do this, ask that he leave the evidence of him doing so off your computer.
Do you two live together? If not, tell him not to do it on your computer and stop looking at his phone.

[Fr_Chuck]

I believe they said HIS cell phone and HIS computer by the way it is written, the OP can come back and give more info.

So all answers seem to be written from the aspect that it was all on his equipment.

[Homegirl 50]

Then she needs to stay off his stuff.

[Cat1864]

Embarrassed, I can understand where your coming from. However, as much as you may not want to hear it, it is your issue not his.

He has the right to look at what he wants just as you have the right to look at what you want.

IF he has material on his phone and computer that you don't want to see, then don't look at his phone and computer.

A very important part of self-confidence is the word 'self'. If you are confident in who you are, then you won't be as concerned about what he is looking at. What interests do you have outside the relationship that help you feel good and more confident?

[Clemintine]

I really do feel you... but it's my stresses and insecurities that cause me to hate porn I know, if I was more confident of myself I wouldn't feel that way about it. He is most likely very happy with you and you don't have to worry!

[Clemintine]

I just got to say... Some people are really bad at hiding their porn. I'm saying I've gone onto a friends computer (with their permission!) to search something and say links to their favourite porn websites are in their bookmarks with the rest of them. Or a folder on the desktop... or even a folder on your iPhone next to some cool game you play usually. Some people are really bad at hiding it, or just don't care. In this day and age when everyone is on computers or have cell phones with 2gb hard drives we are bound to run across stuff we don't want to on accident. Maybe her boyfriend is like that, if she is telling the truth about happening across it. That's why I suggested... maybe she ask him to at least HIDE it better so she doesn't see it if she's using the computer while she's over.
Now maybe she wouldn't have to go INTO the folder, or click on the bookmark... but that's what we do when we get insecure! There is some curiosity which you can't resist, now unfortunately Embarrassed has to deal with that consequence.
I still agree though... it is his body and mind, he can look at whatever he likes to. It would be nice if a guy could just drop what he likes for you to make your feelings more secure but it isn't fair (as I learned the hard way).
I have a friend actually who successfully got her boyfriend to not look at porn. Their relationship is far from healthy, I could tell you horror stories about how much she controls him to feel better about herself. Would you like your relationship to get to that degree of unhealthy? Before you start trying to control him and what he does so you aren't hurting, please try to boost yourself confidence and counseling isn't a bad idea. It could help you immensely... sorry if this is just a repeat! I just really want to steer you away from going down that path of a mixed up relationship!
P.S. though talk to him first about it one last time to see how it goes... then decide how you will proceed for yourself from there

[Embarrased]

It just makes me feel worthless because I don't understand why he has to be looking at them instead of me. Thanks everyone for your input though. I've spoke to him and he isn't going to use my computer and try make those things with himself more private because I don't feel at all bad not knowing about it. Thanks though everyone

[smoothy]

It just makes me feel worthless because I don't understand why he has to be looking at them instead of me. Thanks everyone for your input though. I've spoke to him and he isn't going to use my computer and try make those things with himself more private because I don't feel at all bad not knowing about it. Thanks though everyone

Then YOU have to deal with your own issues and don't try to push off the blame on him...

Do you watch movies? Do YOU look at movie stars or TV stars any differently than your own parents or siblings? Sure you do, everyone else does too, Then what you are doing is absolutely NO different than him watching some porn. Its his right to look at it if he wishes... it's nobodies right to demand he stop. (unless its kiddie porn) OR he is chatting up other people.. which isn't simply watching porn.


Seriously... If you feel so poorly about yourself that he can't look at porn or the waitress at the restaurant... the Cashier at the store... the girl on the sidewalk... (see where this is going) then exactly HOW is him being forced to do this going to change YOUR problems. Seriously. Push him on this and he's going to distance himself from you because this is not a reasonable demand... not going out a few nights a week to the clubs with a group of his gal-pals might be reasonible... but controlling what he can and can't view is unreasonable.


First you have to deal with your own self esteem issues... and understand YOU are the root of that... not anything he or anyone else does. If you can't feel good about yourself....nothing anyone else can do will make a real difference.

YOU shouldn't rely on someone else to feel good about yourself... if ANYONE should feel good about you... its YOU.

[Synnen]

It just makes me feel worthless because I don't understand why he has to be looking at them instead of me. Thanks everyone for your input though. I've spoke to him and he isn't going to use my computer and try make those things with himself more private because I don't feel at all bad not knowing about it. Thanks though everyone

Wait--you think you're the ONLY woman your boyfriend should ever look at?

What kind of controlling, unrealistic attitude is that? Do you think certain actors or singers or other famous guys are hot? What if your boyfriend DEMANDED that you never look at another guy again?

It really has NOTHING to do with you.

While you've come up with a temporary solution, you're still going to KNOW he masturbates--and sometimes it's when looking at porn. Can you really get past that? And I agree--it shouldn't be on YOUR computer. That's a good line to draw.

But honestly--your self-esteem should NOT be based on whether your boyfriend looks at other women. It should be strong enough to know that while he's LOOKING at them, he LOVES you.

And if it ISN'T, you should see a counselor to find ways to improve your own self-worth.

[Enigma1999]

It just makes me feel worthless because I don't understand why he has to be looking at them instead of me. Thanks everyone for your input though. I've spoke to him and he isn't going to use my computer and try make those things with himself more private because I don't feel at all bad not knowing about it. Thanks though everyone

A little FYI, coming from a woman, when I was married I watched porn when my husband was away...

Did it mean that I wasn't attracted to him? No

Did it mean that I wasn't in love with him? No

It's just something I enjoy from time to time.

Does it make me bad or strange? No way.

Don't stress about it.

I also agree fro him to not use it on your computer. Let him on his...

Good Luck.