[nicosuave1]

I met her when I was 25, I am now 27. She is 2 years younger. Of the 2 years I've known her we were only together for the first 7 months, most of which was the happiest most fulfilling time of my life. The rest of that 2 years I've spent emailing her, sending her cards, letters, chocolate, trying to get her back... In a final effort to get her back I wrote a letter and sent her a birthday gift, I did not expect anything and weeks went by. I began letting go.

Suddenly I get a few emails from her, one of which is talking about reconciliation. I thought I was getting her back but then she emailed saying she didn't mean to initiate reconciliation quite yet... Then she calls and we talk on the phone for like 40 minutes, but it's mostly just chit-chat because she has a hard time talking about serious things. I'm all discombobulated, but contact is occurring and this is good so I let it pan out.

Weeks go by, I feel toyed with and upset, like she's just playing with my emotions and keeping me as a backup plan. I don't know if she's dating someone else while talking to me or if she even really really cares about me. Instead of the usual ***** cat email with endless love I sent an email asking her to address these concerns.. concerns that I'm just a backup plan, that she is dating as we speak, that her excuses for breaking up were real, you know.. just questions of insecurity because that's what all the silence and rejection did to me.

She immediately emails me back saying she "will respond to this in a couple days." 4 days go by and it's Sunday, still no word. I text her asking if my birthday package got to her yet (it was lost in the mail... ) and whether I could expect a call or email soon. She texted me back saying "no package, i said id email and i will." After 4 days of no contact and that snappy text I know I'm in for hurt, I can just feel it.

2 hours later I get the most horrendous email of rejection... she didn't answer any of my questions or concerns, she just said something like "it's so shocking to see you hit such highs and lows" and "she doesn't want to continue" and "she sees now that it didn't work for more reasons than she remembered" and "she's sorry". When read this email I called her immediately but she had changed her cell number in the 2 hours between her text and her email! I have no way to contact her!

The questions burning me up are.. Were my concerns legitimate? By asking her to address them and put them to rest, was I being too selfish or was I just sticking up for my own proper self respect? Should I have just kept my mouth shut and buried these emotions deep down knowing that if I bring them up she'll just cut me out again? Should I be ripping my hair out or celebrating this result?

Some background:
I quit my job and moved home because something happened at work and couldn't take it anymore, plus I needed time to take pre-req classes for grad school.. I put my career goals first and moved away from her while we were still together... I sold everything I owned and moved home with my mom to take my classes... I was determined to make it work with her, finish my classes and move back. She left me a few months later. So now I lost everything and I feel like my life is just a huge failure unless I get her back.

There are just so many things that happened, so many pains, she strung me along after breaking up for so long, yes, no yes no, yes I mean no, no, OK lets meet and see, yes, I meant no. This whole pattern went on for so long and has just killed me and she has been in control the whole time. A couple times I took flights to go see her and she wouldn't see me when I got there. I mean my heart has just been ripped out oh so politely and forgive-ably so many times by this one person. I feel like I have to get her back and she is the one but also like I was never really happy with her as a person. She was really hyper controlling, she never drank or smoked and she seemed to be jealous of my life, my past and my general security as an individual. She seemed to have a lot of secrets and was very careful. At the same time she was the sweetest thing in the world and I couldn't stand up for myself or leave her. She was always insecure about the fact that I was educated...

We both came from different backgrounds... I come from a family with money, standard 2 kids, college education, trips, we do stuff and life doesn't squash us. She comes from a broken home, a schizophrenic mother and abusive transient boyfriends, she told me this 4 months into the relationship and also mentioned a few incidents where she was in foster care because her mother was crazy or something. She has like 12 brothers and sisters, never went to college, was in a lot of debt from a shopping addiction and was trapped in a job that wasn't getting her towards her goals. I have had many girlfriends but lots of time alone and lonely, she has been in relationships straight since she moved in with an older guy at age 17.

And yet I love her. If she just treated me the way she did that few happy months I would never leave her or think of another. But when confronted with questions about serious topics I become an "exhausting" bother and she shuts me out. This time it's for good. I don't know whether to slit my wrist or take a pill, go get drunk or what.. I have been alone now without her for so long, and no others can compare. I have a therapist who told me she was an insecure person that would transfer the insecurity to me over the course of the relationship.. that was sooo true because I am now the most insecure miserable untrusting person towards females, I feel like my life is over and I don't know what to do about this pain that won't go away. Please someone help me.

I have tried drinking, smoking. I have tried not smoking or drinking. I have tried working out every day and body building. I have tried driving my corvette really fast. I have tried focusing on school work and acing tests. I have tried renting movies every day. I have tried dating another girl (who dumped me quickly because I was moaning about this ex-girlfriend!).
I have tried talking about it with a therapist. I have tried everything and nothing has worked, I need help because I just want to die because of this girl.

The last serious ex girlfriend played with my feelings and I ended up contacting her by email until she got a restraining order on me.

[Fr_Chuck]

You need serious mental health counseling. And yes stalker came to my mind when I was reading the actions. And yes she may be doing some contact now, out of fear if nothing else.

First another person does not control the way we feel, we allow it, we are in control of ourself, for 17 months you hounded this girl who was not having contact with you.

Leave it alone, don't write, don't call, don't email, drop her as Facebook friends, and just learn to be happy as you are.

[nicosuave1]

3 months went by after we split with no contact what soever. I am not a stalker.

Certain things will make you feel certain ways. Other people do control a lot.

[talaniman]

Being someone's fool for two years, and still not getting it, means you have a few serious issues to address. Get help soon, please!!!!!.

[Justwantfair]

Well I imagine you are steps away from this individual getting a restraining order as well.

I think it is time to step out of the relationship picture all together and take sometime to get to know you, single and happy with yourself. You are acting impulsively without any thought other than how wonderful you remember this girl to be. (Please reference a few of my signature quotes that adequately apply to you).

If you look at the top of the relationship forum, you will see some stickie threads located at the top of the forum, to help find healthy ways to deal with your confused emotions. One to pay special attention to is "No Contact", which will truly be the only process to help you heal. For every step forward, contact can cause fifteen steps backwards.

Continue to vent here when necessary and refrain from contacting this girl via email, as she will likely be changing her email as well and any emails sent to her will probably be ignored and hurt your feelings further.

You have to learn to be happy being you, not you with her.

[mmresd]

Dude, this post makes you sound like a complete stalker! I know it's hard letting go of something you dearly love but sometimes it has to be done. You need, sorry you HAVE to stop having contact with this girl. You are completely obsessed and need to STOP. You are hurting yourself and no one else dude. Please get some counseling as this problem seems not to be between you two, or her, it is YOURS. You have to know where to draw the line on this type of things and you have ran through that line. CONTROL YOURSELF!! She has no interest in being with you and you need to let her go. Work on your own emotional issue first before trying to go after her again, even though I would HIGHLY recommend for you not to do so. I believe this relationship is WAYYY past the point of reconciliation because with you actions post break up have been so severe and you have completely pushed her away. Get yourself some professional help before you get another restraining order because if you don't we will be seeing you again in the future with the next girl.

Good Luck,

Javi

[nicosuave1]

Comment on Justwantfair's post

No, I haven't harassed her and I'm no where near getting in trouble like I did before.
I was in "no contact mode" but then she contacted me. She sensed the window was closing and wanted to keep it open endlessly.

Comment on talaniman's post

I didn't realize she was playing me a fool. I thought she was working on her emotions to get aligned for another try.
She said our love was the best etc and the bread crumbs kept me going.
2 years, you, I must really love her.

Comment on mmresd's post

There will be no next girl. I will just be alone and miserable for the rest of my pathetic forced existence.

[mystific]

yes, no yes no, yes I mean no, no, ok lets meet and see, yes, I meant no

Well to me the no's outweighed the yes's. One no should have sufficed and 7 months relationship and you spent the rest of 2 years chasing her?

I personally would have changed my number well before then and you would have had restraining order #2 slapped on you just as quick.

I understand desperation, need, want, love but you're bordering psychopath. And if you haven't got the picture yet, you're not going to get this girl back and never will.

However I do suggest if you consider carrying on with this 'obsession', get a great lawyer and comfy clothes because you'll be letting us know how its going behind bars.

[mmresd]

Now see that is what we are here to help you NOT do. And your actions are crazy man... take a step back and look before you count something as non-helpful.

[Justwantfair]

I find that you are still only reading what you want to from these posts.

There is a consensus that your behavior is obsessive and self destructive. You are obsessed about 7 months of a relationship in which you were happy and have spent no focus on the two years of misery. Any relationship can be great for a period, it's longevity that shows what the relationship is truly about. When you get to know each other for the good and the bad, not just the good.

You say that you participated in 'No Contact' and while it may have been difficult, you than jumped at her first contact, hopeful for a change. Instead you found more hurt and you are back to a place that is fresh and painful for you.

I repeat, because you didn't acknowledge it the first time, you have to be happy with you. Please seek a mental health professional in your area, you have allowed this girl to control your emotions. Gain control over your own life, there is a happier ending in loving yourself than 'a pathetic forced existence'.

[mystific]

nicosuave1 does not find this helpful : you probably have your family and everything all figured out. It's easy to say what you do from that perspective.

I have just walked away from a 10 year relationship with a daughter in tow and life ahead of me with nothing but open road and attitude of let whatever will happen, happen. Yes completely figured out... not.

So what? Im to let the crap in my life drag me down like you've let it drag you down? Im to become an obsessive compulsive stalker with no clue on personal space or mental well being?

I responded on what you wrote. Read your post and pretend just for 10 minutes that its not you. From it being an out of body experience to outside the box. Read your post and tell anyone here honestly that you don't sound like some repressed, obsessed, selfish man who can't get past a 7 month relationship.

There will be no next girl. I will just be alone and miserable for the rest of my pathetic forced existence.

This is completely self inflicted. Its like getting drunk and having the hangover from hell the following day. Nobody made you drink you done it to yourself.. and for what? Sympathy? She's not playing you for a fool, you're doing a grand job of that on your own.

I whole heartedly agree with Justwantfair, seek help. And soon.

[nicosuave1]

My ex girlfriend...

-Dated for 7 months.

-Sweetest and cutest girl I ever had. The last couple months were long distance as I moved home to finish pre-reqs for grad school (my job in that area was not working out).

-Dumped me because she hacked my email account at work and read an email about her between me and my therapist, talking about the things I don't like about her and the situation at the time, just venting with a safe confidential channel. I had deleted the email, but she found it in my trash folder. I came home all happy with parts to fix her car and my bags were packed at the door. I then had to drive 12 hours by myself away from her to get home.

-Since then I have been absolutely miserable. I cannot stop thinking about her. AND YES I HAVE DONE THE WHOLE SPEND TIME BY YOURSELF AND BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF THING, FOR A WHOLE YEAR. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I still cannot stop thinking about it and feeling bad for myself, like my life is over and I will never be able to love again. This probably has something to do with the following.

-3 days after dumping me, she visited the hotel I was staying in (waiting for her to realize she messed up by checking my email) she apologized and we made up.
-We then tried to make it work over the distance after I got home. I thought it was working, and I flew down to see her for valentines day. When I got there, she had a last minute change of heart, and would not see me and I had to stay in a hotel again.
-Again, she apologized, and asked me to fly down to see her again. I did. She would not see me, same as before. I was nothing but patient and loving. She texted me saying her mind told her to run but her heart told her to love. I told her to follow her heart and she did not listen. I didn't get to see her and flew home devastated again.
-She would never wear lingerie or let me buy her lingerie because she snooped on my computer when I was in the shower and found pictures of another ex-girl friend in a bra, again she tore through the recycle bin and everything, I didn't know I had the pictures still honest to god.
-She made me feel like I couldn't do anything right. She criticized my valentines day card, and when I sent a care package she retorted nastily that I obviously didn't know her very well.
-She dated multiple people since breaking up with me, I have not dated at all. One day she calls me and wants to start talking about reconciliation. She sends me a big email fearful that I'll stop loving her when she puts on weight while pregnant etc way into the future stuff. I think FINALLY SHE HAS COME AROUND! We talked on the phone for an hour. All good.

-She says she is in a salsa dancing class and that half the class is male, and they take turns being partners with everyone. This combined with the fact that she has dated multiple people since me drives me insane and keeps me up at night. One night at 5am I wrote her an email talking about my fears and concerns.

-She emails me back 4 days later. She says "no, none of that is true, the dance class is totally platonic, and yes I dated multiple people but I pushed them away for you, but oh sorry your fears and concerns are a "Shocking low" and I'm sorry but I'm moving on now sorry bye"!! After so much... I picked up the phone to call her but she had changed her number before she sent the email!

-I now have NO WAY of contacting her. She has SHUT ME OFF and run into the arms of another. I think day and night of what to do, if there is any way to get through to her. I think of visiting and knocking on her door to have a real conversation, but worry that she will call the cops on me, or reject me again ever so politely, or worse, have her new boyfriend answer the door.

I go to therapy crying about her still. I can't look at another girl without being angry at all females. She has utterly destroyed me.
I am super handsome, 6ft 180 lbs pure muscle, I have a BS in biology from UCSB and I drive a new corvette + an F-150 truck. I am good at everything I do, and I stand to inherit a large estate. So... Absolutely EVERYTHING going for me, yet somehow I am not good enough for her. I should have all the confidence in the world and no problem with girls but I love deeply, I get very attached and she has utterly destroyed my will to go on, to try, to love, to even think of humans as understanding loving human beings. And I roll around all night thinking this is all my fault. My life is over. What now, when even therapy and time doesn't heal me. What if she is the best I will ever have had, and she is lost. I am lost.

Where I am now--Living with mother, 27 years old. Just got pharmacy tech certified, but got rejected from pharmacy schools this year. Now I will spend the next year of my life in this tiny 15k person town making nothing as a pharmacy technician, while still living with my mom. There are no girls even close to the ex here, just a bunch of dirty hippies. My life is over.

[MyBrainIsMyDrug]

This isn't necessarily totally relevant to your question. But your ex, what was her relationship like with her parents? I'm really curious here... particularly with her father...


Also I feel for you man... I was on and off with someone for 8 years, we broke up for the final time almost 6 months ago... I see someone about it and everything and to this day I still think about them night and day... its irrational thought... your putting someone on a pedistal for no reason, for who you "thought" they were, and how you "thought" they were... knock her off the pedistal in your mind and come to the realization that if someone was that special and that bond was mutually existing, the true feeling of love, she wouldn't have repeatedly done things to hurt you emotionally... that's called playing games, seems she's toyed with you relentlessly since and kept you dangling from a string in case things don't work out with other guys... Although it seems she must've found a guy she seems 'sure' about so she finally cut the string...


You are now forcably having to take the NC route, which is going to rip you apart for a short while since you have had contact with her numerous times since you guys split up... The time after you stop going nuts about it, after you've had no contact with her for a few months... I'd bet your going to start looking at it in retrospect more clearly... and you'll be able to step out if your emotional shell and look at it from a third person perspective to see your truly better off...

[mystific]

I am super handsome, 6ft 180 lbs pure muscle, I have a BS in biology from UCSB and I drive a new corvette + an F-150 truck. I am good at everything I do, and I stand to inherit a large estate. So... Absolutely EVERYTHING going for me, yet somehow I am not good enough for her

Money and good looks only buy you a certain amount of things in life, the rest.. well.. guess your learning.

Well you've added in details from your previous post

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lp-519972.html

.. and neglected a few others.

You were given sound advice your first posting and yourself pity and self loathing is your own doing not hers.

Find a new therapist.

[Chris0107]

I don't understand why you are so hung up on her, She didn't treat you very well. Snooping around looking for problems. She doesn't trust you for whatever reason and because of that the relationship would never work anyway. Also, having you invest time and money to fly and see her and refusing to see you. She doesn't sound concerned with your feelings at all. She sounds like she enjoys tormenting you. Move on now, she is not worth all this, and your life is not over. There is much better out there, you need to pull yourself together and quit letting her have all this power over you when she does not care about you or your feelings. She changed her number, so now you can either sit there and be miserable or you can take control of your life again. Which one sounds better?

[nicosuave1]

Comment on MyBrainIsMyDrug's post

This is what I needed, someone who's experienced this same thing. Now I don't feel like an obsessed freak, my feelings are normal. Thank you. Yeah no communication since and yeah no choice but to move on.

Comment on mystific's post

Thanks the first posting was asking if my feelings were legitimate and they were, but everyone just focused on OMG UR A STALKER... But corrections: known her for 1 not 2 yrs and trying to get her back for 0.5yrs not 1.5.

Comment on Chris0107's post

She was insecure like that to start yes. She would contact my friends with messages on Facebook and ask them what I was saying about her at work! She got less trusting as time went on and wouldn't forgive anything. Thank you.

[mystific]

nicosuave1 does not find this helpful : your not very compassionate

No I'm an extremely compassionate person. I see what I read and comments you've made and remarks back, your compulsive obsessive nature and I think there is something askew with the way you see this girl.

Ok, so you want sympathy and compassion for what your feeling and to make you feel better? Have you seriously considered at the things you've done?

Yes I've been blunt and possibly borderline rude with you. But you don't see what it is that you look like.

You had a restraining order placed against you. You have serious stalker type qualities.

You are wallowing in your own self pity as I said before. And no no one is going to feel sorry for you.

You've mentioned time and again how well off you are in looks and money and to me it feels like a trade off, because you have all this in turn you should have what you want. It doesn't work that way. And she's proven it. She doesn't want you.

You are more than welcome to disagree with anything I say. But you post on here to an open forum and I am entitled to my opinion. And I've given it. Your original post you jump to conclusions about 'my life' when you're so far off the bat its not funny.

I'm compassionate to people who want help and want to help themselves. Not people who tend to be looking for ego strokes and rather than enjoying the sound of their own voice, instead hunt for the compassion you feel your entitled to.

Do something positive with yourself rather than drinking/smoking/driving fast. That's not constructive nor positive. You're an attention seeker.

Time you looked outside the box and took a long hard serious look at yourself minus all the trimmings in life. Look at the man inside you and tell me where it is you feel you let yourself down. Because if you can't be honest with yourself you'll not be honest with anyone about you.

[nicosuave1]

Comment on MyBrainIsMyDrug's post

Her dad left when she was 1, mom is schizophrenic, she was beaten by mom who later said voices told her to do it. She spent some time in a foster home. Moved out from moms at 17 with 23yr old BF. Moms BF's were drug users, 1 robbed them and left.

Comment on Chris0107's post

I think most of the reason I loved her was compassion for her life situation, bad childhood no college etc. We had realllly good chemistry and she was really cute. There was a time it was great but that's that I guess, I'll take the latter option.

[ironhide262]

I agree with the other posters here. What was so great about this girl? Sounds like she made your life hell and has been playing with your head... seems like it has worked.

Man , you have to do what it takes... spend a year in a foreign land, on a sailboat, digging wells in the jungles of Borneo... change your environment and forget about this crazy chick! Obviously, therapy hasn't been working. No person is ever worth going completely mental over!

"Time you looked outside the box and took a long hard serious look at yourself minus all the trimmings in life. Look at the man inside you and tell me where it is you feel you let yourself down. Because if you can't be honest with yourself you'll not be honest with anyone about you."---- THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE YOU ARE EVER GOING TO GET... you are the one that is hurting yourself now!

Good luck!

[nicosuave1]

Comment on mystific's post

Have I seriously considered stuff: YES. Have I been obsessed with her: YES. Have I had a restraining order: YES. Was it warranted: NO. She wanted 3 yrs but judge laughed and gave her 3 months. Are you a judgemental prick: YES. Are you THE HELP I NEED: NO

Comment on ironhide262's post

"No person is ever worth going completely mental over" This is why I get obsessed, because I don't want to be or treat others as expendable. Anything can be fixed, just like with family. You don't dump family.

Comment on mystific's post

I do plenty positive. I only drive my corvette once a month. I'm getting myself into pharmacy school. Yea she's proven she's a total beotch with no compassion just like you. By the way "Doesn't" not "dosent" as you spelled it multiple times.

Comment on ironhide262's post

It's just painful when someone shuts you out, and from a distance... If only I could speak to her, shake her, this is a series of miscommunications and misunderstandings, it drives me crazy! But yeah she's no good and thanks for the luck!