[cindychick06]

My sister is 26 years old. She is 4 years older than me and I have taken care of her since I was 16. When we were both teenagers she got real messed up and involved with the wrong crowds. She ran away when she was 17 and broke my mother's heart. Anyway she ended up coming back and graduated high school and moved out when she was 18. She had 2 kids within the next two years. I have raised those boys since they were babies. Taking care of them, paying for things for them, they would never have had a Christmas or a birthday party had it not been for me. Anyway the reason I ask if she has a disorder is because my sister lies A lot! She will lie about the color of the sky and do her best to make up big elaborate stories as to why you should believe her, and then of course goes on the defense if you tell her she's lying.

We have grown up now and her lying is still an issue. Just a few weekends ago we were suppose to go out on a Friday night, and I asked her numerous times if she really wanted to go out, and that we didn't have to if she didn't want to, etc. Anyway she said yes, for sure she wanted to go out. So I went home to get ready and take a nap and waited for her to get off and she texted me and said that her piece of crap babies daddy wouldn't watch her kids so we could go out, so I said OK fine whatever, (I had an inclining that she was lying at the time anyway because she told me not to answer if he called) so anyway she said we would hang out the next night (saturday) so the next day I texted her several time's throughout the day and she did not respond. So on Sunday I called her because my whole family was at my mom's house and I wanted to see if she could come over. She did not answer... so I got worried and called her ex-husband. I told her that I was worried because I had not talked to her in 2 days and didn't know what was going on. His reply was "well didn't you and her just hang out friday night?" I said "no she told me you wouldn't watch the kids so we couldn't go out." Anyway the story goes on, that she lied to me because he ex did watch the kids and she did go out, she lied to her ex because she told him that she was going out with me, and she lied to her boyfriend because she also told him that she was going out with me.

I know this is stupid and petty, but WTH?? I mean why wouldn't she have just told me "hey I dont feel like going out tonight" or " i have made plans to go out with someone else", my sister use to have a bad addiction to drugs that I'm not sure she ever got over but I just don't under stand why someone would make up such a big huge stupid story just because she didn't want to go out. And this isn't the first time that she has done this. And her poor kids have to be put through it all the time

So I have brought it to my families attention and I honestly and truly do believe that she has a psychological issue. She lies about everything and she believe's her own lies and thinks they are true. I don't think she even know's what the truth is anymore. So I just wanted some other people's opinions as to if you think she does or not. I seriously think she needs some kind of intervention. I don't know but I am really the only one from my family that still talks to her, and I'm starting to stray away from her a lot more. I just don't know what I should do about this.

[cindychick06]

Guess everyone is just as confused as me on this one.

[I wish]

We get to choose our friends, but we don't get to choose our family.

Unfortunately, if she wasn't your sister, chances are, you wouldn't want to associate yourself with this type of person.

There does seem to be a lot of issues, but the bottom line is that both sides need to make an effort for things to work out. However, based on the facts that you provided, it appears to be very one-sided.

She's 26 years old, she moved out already. She has lots of issues. You can always reach your hand out and let her know that you will be there for her. You can invite her to family gatherings and events. But at the end of the day, it's her choice what she wants to do with her life.

Do your part, but you can't always expect her to do the same.

As for her problems, she's going to have to find a way to deal with them. If she wanted help, she would and should go seek for it. If she doesn't, it's not easy for you to take responsibility. You can't force her to go take a psychological examination to see if she can get admitted to an institution. You can't force her to go get professional help, but you can suggest it to her and your family. But remember, she's 26 now, she's an adult, so you can't force her to do anything.

[cindychick06]

It's just her children. I mean I mine as well be those boy's mother because she doesn't do much for them at all. And I see the way they are already starting to act like her and lie and cheat and steal and I just want so much more for them.

The 5 year old has already taken a Fun dip (you know the powder kind with the candy sticks) and snorted some of the candy powder up his nose and said that he wanted to be like daddy. And they are just not going to be able to be children like they are suppose to be

I know I can't force her to do anything but I'm just sick of being lied to, and I really just want to know if she choses to lie or if there is seriously something wrong with her that makes her make these bad choices.

[JoeCanada76]

Well many lairs tend to feel that they need to lie to keep everybody happy and also to hide secrets.

I am wondering if she is into any kind of drug use, It sounds like drugs are a big issue with both parents. I am also wondering if it is possible she is seeing lots of people.

What did your family say about the situation? Were they shocked or did they see it as well?

Can not control somebody else behavior and there must be some hidden deep reason why she feels the need to lie all the time.

[cindychick06]

My family really doesn't have much to do with her. They figure if they don't see it, it doesn't exist, which puts all the pressure on me to try to keep everyone updated on her and to try to still include her in the family. She's made a lot of bad mistakes and hurt my mother and father very bad, as well as the rest of us. I however can't just pretend she doesn't exist because she is closest to me in age and we have always been close

My sister did use to have some serious drug issues when she was a teenager and right after she moved out, but she got pregnant with both my nephews so I'm sure it stopped for a while then. She has since then said that she is clean. She however is extremely extremely skinny. Lost tons of weight. She said that she has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer but I have never seen any proof of this nor has she ever had any kind chemo or any surgery. She very rarely even goes to the doctor. So I have no idea if I could trust her enough to believe that this was true. I don't know why someone would want to lie about cancer but then again I don't know why she lies about other stupid things either.

[JoeCanada76]

Sounds like very much attention seeking. Also sounds like much of the family has abandoned her. She feels unwanted and the only attention she gets is from you. I would also guess having children did not have much to do with her loving them but her wanting others to love her.

She could have cancer or might not but obviously she is ill in some way. Whether it is cancer, or must probably more drug abuse started. Why else would she lie about going out.

[J_9]

Ovarian cancer is a very aggressive cancer. If indeed she had it, she would have surgery scheduled already. This is most likely an excuse for her drug abuse. Note that the nephew has snorted candy. He sees it from somewhere.

[cindychick06]

I know and I feel terrible that my family has done that but I mean they can't be blamed they have been burned by her so many time's there's just no trust there anymore.

I was told that with her age (and this was by my doctor because I have to go to a gyno to get checked up often because of my family history with gma having ovarian cancer and my aunt having cervical cancer) that she is too young to be diagnosed with having ovarian cancer, that she would have precancerious cell's but not full blown cancer at this point and she would be having to go the doctor very often for check up's. Now I don't know if that is true or not because I thought any kind of cancer could hit anyone at any age, but I'm not familiar with that so I don't know.

I know my sister always has to be the center of attention, when she ran away when she was 17 I was put on the back burner with my parent's a lot because they were having to deal with her drama and addictions. Now I don't complain it made me very responsible at a young age having to watch her go through all that and still take care of myself.

I just wish I knew what to do in this case. I honestly am not worried so much about her but rather her kids. I don't want anything to happened to those boys. I have looked into getting custody of them but I don't think it is possible. I just hate that my 5 and almost 7 year old nephews know what it is to snort something up their nose, and are starting to lie themselves. And her husband is not any help. I know for a fact he does drugs I've seen him do it. He even said he is waiting for the oldest one to get a little bit older so he can smoke his first joint with him... made me sick!!

[JoeCanada76]

Both parents should be reported. Losing their children maybe will get them to bottom out.

Plus you said you were witness to it, and it made you sick but did you say your displeasure in it? Time to get other agencies involved to investigate whether it is time to take the children out of that home and environment.

[cindychick06]

Ovarian cancer is a very aggressive cancer. If indeed she had it, she would have surgery scheduled already. This is most likely an excuse for her drug abuse. Note that the nephew has snorted candy. He sees it from somewhere.

Ok now last summer she had a surgery scheduled supposedly however she canceled the surgery and nothing more has ever been said about it again. I would think if that was the case wouldn't she have had to have rescheduled it fairly soon right?! Because it's been a year since that "surgery" was suppose to take place.

[cindychick06]

Both parents should be reported. Losing their children maybe will get them to bottom out.

Plus you said you were witness to it, and it made you sick but did you say your displeasure in it? Time to get other agencies involved to investigate whether it is time to take the children out of that home and environment.

See that's the thing, I have never seen it with my own two eyes. I have never seen them do any kind of drugs in front of the kids, or in front of me for that matter. I have seen the way the kids act and have heard things that have been said (just like the whole smoking a joint thing) but have never really seen anything with my own two eyes, even still I don't know if it would matter because it's my word against their's right?

[Jake2008]

As I read through your post, I began to wonder if she is blurring the lines between reality and fantasy.

If you think that she cannot judge right from wrong, or that she believes her lies, or twists the truth more by accident than on purpose, I would say that she needs an evaluation.

What that kind of thinking does is justify behaviour that she may or may not be fully aware of the consequences. For instance, she may feel her needs are justified going shopping and leaving the kids at home because they are sleeping. A simple thought, with a simple explanation, but she is not thinking of the danger, or possible consequences to the children, or to herself. There is no balance in the thinking, although she realizes that lying will get her what she wants. (as in the confusion over going out Friday night).

It is also possible that she does not want to be blamed or criticized, so she lies about her comings and goings. If she doesn't need to lie, and goes through these elaborate stories anyway, that could also indicate some problems.

I think it is good that you are in the picture, for the sake of the children, and I'm surprised that your family has nothing to do with them.

Watch for signs of drug use- not cool with the one child snorting candy powder- learned from Dad. If he has regular contact with these children, I would be questioning that particular incident thouroughly.

If you feel that either of the children are in danger, from either parent, consult with the CPS, and keep detailed notes of all that you see. If neglect or alienation is going on, and they are suffering, their welfare must come first.

Other than trying to get your sister into counselling, and tested for possible drug use herself, I don't know what you can do to help her change.

Maybe if you are as straight as you can be, and tell her clearly what your concerns are, and that you may seek outside help for advice, she may be more inclined to think about options.

[cindychick06]

Thanks Jake2008, I wish I could get her into counseling I really do. But she doesn't believe that she is lying. She will go to the end of the earth to try to make her stories and lies make since, but they never do, and even when she is caught dead in her tracks in a lie she will still deni it

Those kids are the most important thing in my life. I love them to death, but it's getting to the point where I don't know if I would be able to handle them because they are already so out of control.I don't want to be the one to take my sisters kids away from her but your right they are in danger. And even if it's not grave danger right now they are still learning a life that I don't want them to live. The oldest boy is doing so great in school getting all A's in kindergarten but I have a feeling that he is going to loose interest quickly because he has no motivation to go to school.

I'm just at a loss here I don't want to turn her over to CPS but I know those kids deserve better than the way she's living. I just really wish I knew why she lies so much and why she feels like she has to lie over the most stupid situations. Counseling would be the best thing for her but how do I convince her to go?? She doesn't think she has a problem

[Jake2008]

A tricky situation. So many good things could happen; intervention is not necessarily a bad thing for all concerned.

If there is any sort of investigation, either by somebody reporting her, or the school asking for a home assessment, I think that the way things are going it is inevitable. When that happens, if it does, it is traumatic for everyone.

But what is the alternative. Hope that everything will be okay? Or take action now to minimize the possibility of her losing her children, and them going through the upset.

If she realizes that your concerns need to be addressed for the sake of those kids, and if they aren't, you will take the necessary steps to ensure that they are safe and properly cared for. Give her a timeline.

The way you have described her is also troubling. She needs some serious mental health help, at the very least a thourough examination by a GP, with input from you so he/she can get a grip on what is happening with her.

If she is not in control of herself, she is not in control of those kids. That in itself is a dangerous mix.

Parenting gets harder, not easier. She needs help and instruction on how to discipline them, as well as how to nurture and encourage them. Nobody finds it easy to raise kids, under the best of circumstances.

The windows of opportunity eventually close. That smart kindergartner getting the A's, moves on to grade 1, and who is going to foster a love of reading, and help with problems, and address any problems with teachers. There are so many things they learn at times in their lives. It is better to move forward, than to try to reverse damage as time goes on and they don't get what they need.

You may want to talk to the school counsellor. I'm not sure if you're comfortable with that, but maybe they have some insight and ideas about how the child is doing, and if they too see worrysome signs, at least you have a starting point with some authority.

I don't know what I would do in your situation. At one point, my older sister had had a baby, and was in a similar boat. There was talk about me taking custody of her (I was just married at the time). I am glad it didn't happen, and my brother in law was key in stepping up and sorting things out, to my nieces' benefit.

If there is anybody you can talk to about all of this I urge you to do so. You can express yourself well enough that bending someone's ear may just give you a boost in confidence that your concerns are valid.

[dontknownuthin]

Your sister sounds like an addict. The fact that her ex-husband is dsnorts cocaine, as demonstrated by his child, shows the type of people she hangs out with.

It's fairly common for addicts to avoid family, lie about where they are and who they are with, and to be very thin.

If she's an addict and there are kids involved, I would report your concerns to family services to force her into treatment. If her kids are taken away, she will have to get clean to see them and get them back.

Once someone is an adult there's little you can do to force them into treatment, and my philosophy is off piss them off if you have to. See if your parents can offer to take the kids while she gets clean.

[cindychick06]

My goal here isn't exactly to get her kids taken away from her. Granted she deserves it but I just want her to realize that if she continues to lie and live like this that the kids are going to be the one's that do suffer. And she just isn't understanding that right now. I'm not sure I think I'm just going to talk to her and see what we can work out. Finally get her to open up and admit if she does have a problem and how we can fix it. I hope it works

[dontknownuthin]

I understand, of course. I know my suggestion is on the extreme end but having dealt with an addict in my family, I found that extreme worked. Also, I would think of the kids first - perhaps you can try to see how they are living and whether they are being cared for properly first hand.

[aimee_tt]

Cindy think about this.

What happens if they leave some drugs lying around one day and the kids decide they want to have a go and see what it is like. One of them had already snorted lollies up his nose. What's going to stop him? That would possibly kill him.

If I were you I would be straight at the authorities. Whether your sister hates you for it or not. Do it FOR THE CHILDREN!