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Jake2008 · Feb 15, 2009, 10:10 PM

Originally Posted by lovergirl247

well for all of you that have been here for me in my time of need. I got the answer that I was expecting to receive. He came here to get more of his things...told me that he couldn't live with me anymore. He was tired of going to jail over me...that he can't feel as though he can't go anywhere or do anything without it making me upset. What ever story he needs to feel good about leaving. I told him that it wasn't because of me that you were leaving its because you don't care for the boundries that I have set for myself and my kids. I said no drugs in the house I meant no drugs in the house and he thinks that is the only thing he did wrong. I said you had no repect for me when you allowed your friend to have it and he even told me that he was about to do it before I walked in. I said you aren't going to make me feel bad for stopping you and your aren't going to make me feel bad for kicking your drug friend out of the house. He said he wants to live his own life and find himself. Drugs are his life and thats what he can have. He will realize later on that it won't get him very far. And if he does meet someone new she would have to be a drug user too thats the only way she would be able to tolerate him and his use. He did tell me he loves me and wants to still see me and talk with me but doesn't want to live here anymore. That hurt and hurt bad I tried to convince him to stay but to no avail. I know that I will heal it will just take time. He was all I knew other than my kids for the past 5 years. I am scared and hurt.

It is ironic that he ultimately made the choice, that is best for you and your children. At least he saw enough of your concerns, and realized that he cannot live without drugs, and the drug lifestyle, and made a choice. Even after all that has happened, you tried to convince him to stay.

My opinion here is based on only what you have said, and in all honesty, you will need help to get through this, and back on your feet again. It is easy to say be strong, chin up, it will get better, and all of that. But the truth is, life has dealt you a blow, and you need to recover from it, and learn from it, so that you not only get past where you are now, but learn how not to find yourself in the same boat again. All too often we tend to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I hope you find the strength as time passes to realize that your life is only going to get better, and your children are going to benefit by any positive moves you make for yourself now.

All the best of luck to you, I sincerely wish you success.

lovergirl247 · Feb 15, 2009, 10:34 PM

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. This is the hard part. I honestly can't help but cry and cry hard. Like I said he was what I knew for the past 5 years. Watching him walk out the door... do drugs... drink... spend time away from us. I am crying for the man I know is inside that shell. I just can't watch him come and go with his things. That's torture. I even told him that. Don't make a habit of coming and going I would much rather you get your stuff all at once then drag it on and on. He had been drinking too when he came here. I don't miss that at all. It is so terrible how I feel. It was a blow... and a real hard one... this one has left a scar.

Jake2008 · Feb 15, 2009, 10:50 PM

"I am crying for the man I know is inside that shell."

I have cried many tears too for the person inside the shell, whether it be a child, relative, boyfriend, friend. When you know that beyond what they present is much, much different than what you see, it is very hard to accept that they have built a wall of concrete around themselves.

But, that is a really good way to think of it. He is making choices, and sticking to them, and nothing will penetrate that wall. No doubt others have cared about him too along the way, and found themselves eventually facing the same situation you are in right now.

He is what he is-right now. What you see is all you can deal with. You can't see into the future to see what he'd be like even two weeks from now; did he come clean, get help? If we could have that ability, we'd all hang in there waiting for that magic date and time.

You have to presume and accept that what he says, he means. He isn't going to come home, and things are not going back to the way they were. That he can say he loves you, or you can say that you love him, will not be enough to build a relationship on- it takes much more than words.

cozyk · Feb 15, 2009, 10:52 PM

I know that you are scared and hurt, but I have faith that you will heal too. Do your kids know why he is gone. I'd tell them. I'd say he brought drugs into this home and as much as I love him and wish we could be together, I can't allow that in our lives. I think this will show them a side of you that they will respect. You taking a stand for the betterment of you, them, and the overall picture.

Don't try to convince him to stay. Just stand your ground. "The only way you could come back is if you have totally cleaned up your act, you treat me with the love, respect, and dignity that every person deserves, and I see solid evidence of this long before you come back. I love you, but I have to do what I believe is right for me and my children."

Keep us in the loop from time to time and I'll always be here with my 2 cents as long as you want it.

Synnen · Feb 15, 2009, 10:56 PM

Honey, you NEED to talk to a counselor.

Do NOT take this jerk back until he gets himself completely clean, and gets new friends--and how high do you think the odds of THAT are?

You need to talk to a professional, someone who can help you see past your feelings to what you need to do. Your feelings, by the way, are completely valid. Asking him to stay, though, was an act of idiocy.

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you, and he's not going to change while the drugs are running his life. That sucks, that hurts, and of COURSE it's going to leave a scar! Scars, however, fade with time, and sometimes the lesson learned when you get hurt that badly is a good one---my worst physical scar is from falling on a jar of pickles when I was 6. I learned NEVER to run with glass after that. Yeah, bad comparison in a way---but honey, if you take him back, you're running with glass, and it's only a matter of time before you fall again, and this time the cuts may scar worse.

Mourn the man that he once was, the man you loved, and then move on and away from the man he is now--because the ONLY person you can change is yourself, and the ONLY actions you can dictate are your own.

Please--see a counselor. It will help you a lot.

cozyk · Feb 15, 2009, 11:13 PM

Set a time for him to pick up ALL his belongings and you not be there. If he needs to borrow a truck or whatever, just say get it all or lose it. You don't need to pull this band- aid off slowly. Just one quick jerk.

By the way, as Oprah says "cry, cry the ugly cry" Go off in your car and blubber your brains out. My sister did this in her car when she found out her son was autistic. She was able to scream bloody murder in her car because it kept moving and no one could hear her. Make sure it is a low traffic road, not one that requires your undivided attention. Even better when it's dark. That way your face can contort in all the weird ways it does when you do the ugly cry. Also, your kids won't hear your anguish. One way or the other, you have to get it out. I promise you'll feel better afterwards. I'm thinking, praying, and sending my "support vibes" your way. I'm proud of how you are handling this.

lovergirl247 · Feb 16, 2009, 07:01 PM

He called to say he needed more things and wanted to take the family dog for a few days. I am assuming this was a reason just to come here. I told him this was too hard for me. And yet he is still only thinking of himself. I am getting tired of crying again and I don't want to hate the man

cozyk · Feb 16, 2009, 07:27 PM

Originally Posted by lovergirl247

He called to say he needed more things and wanted to take the family dog for a few days. I am assuming this was a reason just to come here. I told him this was too hard for me. And yet he is still only thinking of himself. I am getting tired of crying again and I don't want to hate the man

Lay down the law. It's your home. Tell him to get everything at once and don't come back.
What happened to the things you said you sat on the front porch?

smoothy · Feb 17, 2009, 07:52 AM

Tell him anything he doesn't take with him will be left at the street next trash day. He's had plenty of time to pick it up and get it to storage or to a new place.

Jake2008 · Feb 17, 2009, 08:13 AM

The potential problem with that is, she has not yet told him to get all his stuff out. She has said she prefers that he take it all at once, but has not clearly given him a date.

She's going to have to do that in order not to be faced with being sued.

If she says next trash day, and that is two days away, I don't think that would be considered 'reasonable' in court.

I think its safe to say he'll be back for the dog, and that would be the time to say when exactly she expects the stuff to be out.

I'd be inclined to load up his stuff myself, and drop it off at his mother/brother/friends house.

smoothy · Feb 17, 2009, 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

The potential problem with that is, she has not yet told him to get all his stuff out. She has said she prefers that he take it all at once, but has not clearly given him a date.

She's going to have to do that in order not to be faced with being sued.

If she says next trash day, and that is two days away, I don't think that would be considered 'reasonable' in court.

I think its safe to say he'll be back for the dog, and that would be the time to say when exactly she expects the stuff to be out.

I'd be inclined to load up his stuff myself, and drop it off at his mother/brother/friends house.

That would depend on her local laws... being as he no longer lives there his right to free storage might not exist at all. The fact he is dragging his feet in some sort of effort to continue to impose control over her in any way he can might possibly be considered as the stuff might be trash, or of no value to him. If you move out of an apartment and no longer pay rent you don't get a grace period to move your belongings. And I do not believe she is getting any sort of monitary compensation from him for holding his junk.

She was asked to request this information from the local authorities a wile back in the thread... If she did so she will know if she can set it at the curb or not.

lovergirl247 · Feb 20, 2009, 10:35 AM

According to the local law enforcement the items are considered mine. First off he has no proof that the items belong to him and it would be considered abandonment. They told him a few years ago that because he is no longer in the home the items can be legally bound to her. This was 2 years ago when I was having issues with him before. I have not heard from him since three nights ago when I told him that he needs to figure things out... if I have to move on I can't do that with his things here.

He was visiting a friend of ours yesterday and told his friend that he wasn't going to think about the relationship or where he is going to live until he buys himself a vehicle. This is where his priorities lie. He told me that he loved my children yet failed to call my youngest on her birthday Wednesday night. I told my friend that I can't continue to let him have this control anymore. I will do what I feel is necessary in regards to his things after all his exact words were "They are just THINGS".

Jake2008 · Feb 20, 2009, 10:54 AM

Lovergirl,

If he were to come home tomorrow, and say that he loves you, and has made a huge mistake in leaving, would you take him back?

lovergirl247 · Feb 20, 2009, 11:06 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Lovergirl,

If he were to come home tomorrow, and say that he loves you, and has made a huge mistake in leaving, would you take him back?

I don't really know. My heart says one thing and my mind says another. My mind says no you have had enough. My heart says the opposite. I miss him more than anything actually. I don't miss the bull. I gave him the choice the other night. However, I can't continue to let him have this control. I am willing to do what it takes to move on... except from time to time my heart keeps pulling me back. I am afraid of being alone but know that I can do it. I have kids to think about and that's what I am trying to do. I got my schooling all set up and I am just waiting to start. I am excited about it too. These are things that I wanted to do yet didn't have the go power to do it... I hid it.

smoothy · Feb 20, 2009, 11:08 AM

Stick with keeping him away... Your heart will come to terms with what your brain alreay knows. That he is bad news.

lovergirl247 · Feb 20, 2009, 11:15 AM

I am trying hard to do just that. My friend told me that my ex was visiting her house yesterday and I instantly got angry. As though this is a big fat game to him. I can't play it anymore. At least that's what My mind tells me.

smoothy · Feb 20, 2009, 11:23 AM

As you get used to him not being there the heart will stop tugging. That's all it is... the familiarity. Not real love.

lovergirl247 · Feb 20, 2009, 11:25 AM

That's the battle right there. Each day gets easier... and when I don't hear from him or hear from my friends that he was around I am fine. Its when I know he is around them and when he contacts me that things get carried away in my head and heart. I am trying so hard to let this go.

lovergirl247 · Feb 20, 2009, 11:31 AM

He had me thinking he was going to marry me and wanted a baby with me. All those things were important to me. Not because it was him but because they are. I can't believe the mind games he kept playing and is still attempting to play with me.

smoothy · Feb 20, 2009, 11:45 AM

This is exactly one of those things that will get easier as time passes. I'm serious, its just like any breakup after a couple have been together for any real amount of time.

Its hard at first but it progressively does get easier. You just have to stick to your guns. Eventually you will look back and wonder why you put up with him at all.