Why has he never had sex with me?

echeetah28 · Sep 16, 2008, 07:05 PM

Hello,
I've been dating this guy for 9 months and we've never had sex. I told him before we started dating that I have herpes. I thought he would run for the border, but to my surprise he continued to date me.
I let him know everything there is to know about the disease and told him to educate himself on the issue. It took him months just to touch me and he would never let me touch him... If I tried he would restrain my hands and tell me that he just wanted to touch me. I've been fully naked in front of him and he will touch me till I have a orgasm, but won't take his pants off or let me see his penis. At first I understood that maybe its going to take him awhile to warm up to sex, but this is ridiculous.
I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with him and he doesn't know how to tell me. About 2 months ago he told me about a female "friend" from his job that died of AIDS. We talk about everything and he never brought the friend up until she was in her last days. When she died he went into a serious state of depression. (He was more depressed over her than when his grandmother passed a few months prior). I asked him if he ever had a sexual relationship with this friend and he replied no.
I told him we can practice safe sex and use condoms and he would be okay... even went as far as telling him I would offer to have my gyno talk to him and release my records to his doctor and he could do the same, so that we both would feel comfortable with each other... he said that's not necessary, I believe what you tell me. (I know that if I was in his situation I would jump on that offer, just to ease my mind).
I'm in love with this man, and I'm in need of some sexual attention. I've always practiced safe sex since I've been diagnosed and have never hurt anyone.

Do you think he has something greater than what I have going on with me, or do you think my thoughts are exaggerated? Please help because I'm sooooo confused!!

jjwoodhull · Sep 16, 2008, 07:19 PM

I think it's time for you to come straight out and ask him what the problem is.

cax11 · Sep 16, 2008, 07:24 PM

Sad to say but if I was in his shoes, I would be totally terrified of contracting a uncurable disease such as herpes, so the problem may not be with him

pikachufannumber1 · Sep 17, 2008, 03:11 PM

cax11, that was rude! Anyway, I think you should just tell him how you feel and ask him to be completely honest with you about why he won't have sex with you. I mean, if he really loves you then he will have no problem finding a solution that makes you both happy and keeps you both safe physically and mentally.

pinkcelly123 · Sep 17, 2008, 09:08 PM

Truthfully you have herpes.. its not a light thing you should count your blessings you openly told a man you have this and he stayed with you.. there are other things more important then sex... he obviously believes this... even if he tells you why he won't have sex with you it still won't solve the problem.. I wouldn't say anything about sex to him because you might put more pressure on the situation if you want stand not the circumstances of the relationship then should get out.. I know people guys at that who don't have sex at all until marriage and you been in a relationship for 9 months.. u think they don't have sexual needs.. just count your blessings and don't mess things up with something a frivolous sex.. you guys have more then that something most people wish they had

kirriky · Sep 18, 2008, 11:17 AM

Well I don't think it's a "blessing" to have a man that can't bring himself to have a sexual relationship with somebody he's supposed to be in love with. I reckon everyone deserves an honest and giving partner, even people with STDs. Maybe the disease is the problem, or maybe he has some other issues and your disease is a perfect excuse for him for abstaining from sex. The only way to find out is to ask him. (And yes, I'd be worried too if after 9 months there was still no sex; unless of course he's saving himself for marriage or something like that, but I guess at this point you'd know about his religious beliefs).

pinkcelly123 · Sep 18, 2008, 12:09 PM

Originally Posted by kirriky

Well I don't think it's a "blessing" to have a man that can't bring himself to have a sexual relationship with somebody he's supposed to be in love with. I reckon everyone deserves an honest and giving partner, even people with STDs. Maybe the desease is the problem, or maybe he has some other issues and your disease is a perfect excuse for him for abstaining from sex. The only way to find out is to ask him. (And yes, I'd be worried too if after 9 months there was still no sex; unless of course he's saving himself for marriage or something like that, but I guess at this point you'd know about his religious beliefs).

Really!. the blessing is being in a relationship with (an STD).. . sex which obviously is a big deal in American relationships!. not being able to have sex with her in worries of contracting the std even though you take the necessary measure still gives one worries. So lets see he is sacrificing himself to fulfill your needs to act in sexual task sounds kind of selfish knowing you have an sexual disease . Another blessing is being in a relationship with a guy without having sex ! Which is very rare to find so he likes you for more then sex that's a blessing . Maybe one should stop worrying about sex so much and worry about the BIGGER PICTURE( the relationship )... sex is what got her in the position she is now.. and if you worried about having sex and saying that 9 months is a long time to wait is immature... people can break up after 12 months I could see if you guys were together for some years then that's a problem but 9 months isn't worth pressuring the guy to have sex I mean come one a guy who doesn't want to have sex it must be something serious or religious and an STD in my judgment is serious

pluckyflamingo · Sep 18, 2008, 12:26 PM

I have known people with the same situation as you, and as jjwoodhull said, you just need to be straight forward with them and see what the problem is. There are millions of people out there that have the same situation as you do. And people make it work all the time. It does not take 9 months + to figure out if it is okay with them or not. It is a waste of your time and his. All of us may not know how you contracted it (which by the way for all you other people, there are different ways) and that is none of our business, and you shouldn't be judged for it. I don't know for sure if you are pushing sex on him or not but if you are, like pinkcelly123 said you should be thankful he has not pushed sex on you because lets face it about 99% of guys want it in like the first month. But you have to look beyond, maybe it is his friends death that is holding him back or maybe it is something else. Just see what he has to say first.

DonaldM_23 · Sep 18, 2008, 12:32 PM

I don't think the STD is the problem, if it was a problem he would be long gone. The problem is something that he's holding back. He needs to be honest with you, your health is at stack.

lunapotter · Sep 18, 2008, 02:18 PM

In my opinion he's doing a decent thing. There is no such thing as safe sex. If there was people wouldn't be infrected with std's.I think you should wait until your married. Then things are less complicated.

simoneaugie · Sep 18, 2008, 09:10 PM

Marriage tends to compound relationship problems especially since it tends to extend them. Marriage will not solve this problem, as it is stated in the original post. You need to ask him straight out what's going on in his head.

Maybe he's ashamed of his parts?

echeetah28 · Sep 21, 2008, 09:59 AM

To Pincelly123: you have absolutely no idea how I got this disease!! I was raped two and 1/2 years ago at my job! You keep making statements about the disease itself like its my fault I'm in the situation I'm in. he knows how I contracted it! I got your two answers and don't care to hear anyything more from you on the matter. Thanks!

pinkcelly123 · Sep 21, 2008, 10:04 AM

Actually I apologize that I offended you in any way by implying that it was your fault you caught the disease , but the point is not how you got the disease it's that you have it... THE BIGGER picture.. I'm juss telling the truth sorry...

That's fine I don't care to answer Anymore questions from you

Have a nice life

Boristheblade · Sep 21, 2008, 10:35 AM

I think you should not try and second guess his motives, and rather just straight out ask him what the problem is as it's obviously bothering you

jjwoodhull · Sep 21, 2008, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by echeetah28

To Pincelly123: you have absolutly no idea how i got this disease!!!!!! i was raped two and 1/2 years ago at my job! you keep making statements about the disease itself like its my fault i'm in the situation i'm in. he knows how i contracted it! i got your two answers and dont care to hear anyything more from you on the matter. thanks!

Sorry to hear about this... Does your boyfried know about the rape? This could be the issue. Some men have a really hard time dealing with this. He might be afraid of hurting or scaring you. Have you talked with him about this?

echeetah28 · Sep 21, 2008, 02:26 PM

Originally Posted by jjwoodhull

Sorry to hear about this... Does your boyfried know about the rape? This could be the issue. Some men have a really hard time dealing with this. He might be afraid of hurting or scaring you. Have you talked with him about this?

I have mentioned this to him and he knows about it because it was a really big court issue in my state. This is a sensitive subject for him so when I try to talk about it to him, he finds a way to ease off the subject. I did get a chance to talk to him this weekend and he did say that he wants to make love to me and that he is just taking his time. I respect that because I love him very much and I know that he loves me.