[moorgus]

Greetings, all. Firstly, thank you for taking a moment to read my post. Any and all suggestions or advice are well received and welcome.

The short summation of my issue is that my girlfriend has absolutely zero desire whatsoever in having sex or any type of intimate physical interaction and it is bothering me to the point of wondering whether I can continue this relationship.

Let me provide some additional context. I apologize if this is too much information, I just wanted to err on the side of more than less so folks reading can have all of the facts.

I recently turned 36 and my girlfriend is 37, soon to be 38. We have been dating for about 14 months at this point. In the beginning of the relationship (the first month), we had sex a decent amount of times and she seemed very “into” having sex. However, as time went on (say about months four onwards), we just stopped having sex. There was no big change or event, it just sort of happened. She would start to make excuses, mostly along the lines of she did not feel like it, her stomach hurt, she was PMSing, etc. It became evident that she had no interest in having sex with me whatsoever. We had the whole “do you not find me attractive” discussion and she assured me that she did. I finally got up the nerve to bring the issue up and she skirted around it, clearly not wanting to talk about it. After a bit, I started looking at her medicines and researching online to see if any of them may be to blame. Then we talked and she told me that the medicines may be to blame, but she still didn’t really want to talk about it or deal with it. It has always bothered me how it means so much to me and doesn’t seem to mean much to her. She was taking Aldactone for skin problems along with Yasmin for birth control. She went to her dermatologist and told them of the issue and they said it may be the Aldactone which had hormones or something in it. So, she stopped taking the Aldactone, or hardly ever took it and was just on Yasmin. This went on for about four months and no change at all in sex drive. She went back to the doctor at my urging and reported this and they switched her to Yaz and she started back on the Aldactone. This was about three months ago. No change whatsoever in her sex drive. She had one “wet dream” a few weeks back and honest to God, that is the only sign of sexual interest from her. We hug and give pecks on the lips, that is absolutely it. She does not like any type of kiss more than a peck, she does not like to be caressed in any way that may resemble a sexual manner and she will never, ever initiate any type of intimate contact with me. In the last year, I believe we have had sex about seven or eight times and every one of those was because I begged and pleaded and told her how I was hurting and we ended up scheduling sexual intercourse. Obviously, I was happy to get it, but it sort of takes the fun out of it when it is scheduled and she pretty much just lays there and takes it. During the act, she seemed mildly into it, but just very “lazy” about it for lack of a better term, meaning, if I was doing something, it’s good, but she made no effort and seemed glad when it was done. We even went one stretch of four months with no sex whatsoever. It was unbearable.

I feel I am getting near my breaking point with this issue and don’t see how I can go on forever with her like this. I love her to death otherwise and we have a great relationship. Lots in common, common values and interests and things of that nature. We’ve talked about moving in down the road and marriage a ways down the road (at least a year and a half), but this issue is killing me. There’s another issue of her being an incredibly light sleeper and not being able to sleep in the same bed as me due to snoring that sort of compounds this issue, but the sex drive issue is one I would love to fix.

Not sure what else I can tell you about the situation. I do not harass her about it every day, but once a week or so I indicate a desire or a displeasure at the situation, so she is well aware of it. I am not sure if it is the birth control, the skin medicine, her age, her background, her lack of desire for me or what, but this is killing me. Her doctor even said as a last resort that she could use some testosterone cream on her private parts, so maybe that’s an option.

One last thing, she told me that with her previous boyfriend, they had sex every time he came over, pretty much, which was about 5 times a week, which was painful to hear. This was before she was on the Aldactone/birth control combo, though.

Any advice would be appreciated. Do I just get out now or should I try something or should I just accept it and deal with it, which I am not sure I can?

Craig

[nickshehe]

I'm much younger than you and I've had partners with low sex drive - which was quite worrying since they were in their early 20's.. You said you've had sex 7-8 times in the past year which must've been very hard for you - but in any relationship(and more or less the motto of this forum) "communication is key".. and you're obviously trying to come through to her.. I've also had the "I used to have sex with my ex all the time..now I just want things differently" speech - don't understand it, but I sympathise.
You've been to doctors and such who I'm sure can give you better advice than we can.. maybe some women in the forums can help out?
What I would try though is for a MONTH, Don't ask for sex.. reverse psychology?
Surprise her with a romantic dinner.. do nice things for her.. be the "normal nice" boyfriend you are, but at the end of the night when it's lights out.. kiss her on the cheak and say goodnight - while she's expecting you to plea for sex.I did this - and it seemed to work.. (bare in mind I didn't have as big a "problem" as you did.. I was getting sex but not as often as I would've liked).. Just FORGET sex for a month.. and in that time if she doesn't try and initiate anything - or ask you, then you can begin to worry and balance your choices.
I appreciate that you aren't interrogating her daily.. but even a weekly questioning will make her "immune" to the conversation. Since you've tried everything else I don't see what harm reverse psychology could do? And if you can , when and IF she does try and initiate any sort of sexual contact, try and keep it brief... don't endulge in it.
I know it's a form of playing games which isn't healthy but it worked for me :/

[moorgus]

Thanks a ton for your response. I've actually done that, quite a few times thinking it would cause some desire and it never worked. The stretch where we went four months with no sex, I basically went over two months and never mentioned it. It lead nowhere other than to more discouragement for me.

[talaniman]

Drugs can greatly affect the libido of men and women, and that's something your doctor can help with as the blood pressure medicine, Aldactone, is known to inhibit sexual desire in men, as well as women.

[JBeaucaire]

I'm sorry for your situation. I'm more sorry that you aren't being more full in your analysis of your relationship. A relationship usually isn't made or broken on a single issue. Although this is a big issue, it's still a single issue.

The point of dating is to ascertain compatibility... it's NOT to measure how much you love someone. Love comes on its own, it has no concern for your needs nor your life, it just loves.

So, overall, how compatible are you? Love grows into a selfless kind of live, or it grows into a desperate kind of love. You're supposed to be looking for someone who, the longer you date them, makes you more and more uplifted and encouraged... and possibly sexed. I don't know how critical the sex thing really SHOULD be. You have to decide that.

Compatibility. Not love. What's your take on that question?

[ateetood20]

Hi, it was very weird and interesting for me to read what you have been going through. Believe it or not I have the same problems as your girlfriend.EXACT. The only difference is I'm married. I'm 23 years old. I am telling you its 100 percent because of the yasmin pills.tell her NOT to take them.they decrease sex drive almost 100 percent. My feelings came up to a point where I didn't even want my husband KISSING me anymore! The best thing you can do is to be patient.. it takes 2 months for the effect to come out of her system. You've been patient this long.. I know you can do it.also another sign from thepill.. is if she is moody or gets upset at small things.. these are all symptoms of that pill.I really regret taking them. I know she feels bad about her sex drive but its not her fault and omg she loves you that she went to the doctor. Don't BREAK UP.she wants to fix it.stick by her side and help her.