[jasmine21]

I am lonely... my husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years, but together for almost 9. He is a wonderful father and good provider, that's not the problem. I just feel as though we can not connect on an intimate level, I'm not talking about sex! When it comes to just simply having a conversation or more importantly sharing my true feelings with him, he acts as if he doesn't know how to interact on that level. He is extremely unemotional and when it comes to emotions it's definitely easier for him to ignor them, both his and mine, rather than deal with them and talk about them. I love my husband dearly and just what him to be a shoulder to cry on. Do I simply accept the fact that this is how it's always going to be or is there something I can do??

[Dennis777]

Hello.

Many Men have been taught that showing your feelings is wrong and any Man that does is weak. IM sure he has feelings and in fact it hurts him as much or more not being able to show you how he feels then it does you thinking he doesn't care. He can change but its hard and will take time. Start small and let him build to showing his real feelings. Don't tell him that he can't show you feelings, talk to him about how nice it would be to know how he feels. Keep it positive and little by little I'm sure he will change for the better. Just remember like with any changes when a person is pushed they will fight back so take it slow.

Denis777

[donf]

Please allow me to echo Dennis' statements.

For me it took a long time to understand that sometimes my lady just wanted to be held, not spirited off to the bedroom.

Men operate in their own little world getting inside our protective shell is difficult but worth it.

I know it sounds trite, but don't give up on the guy because it is real important for him to realize that sharing emotions is critical in a marriage. My advice, keep after him. When he confronts you, explain to him just how important it is to you and why and what you would like from him.

[Marily]

Was he like this before you got married ? Maybe you two could benefit from counselling

[jasmine21]

I am lonely. I have been married to my husband for less than two years, (but we have been together for much longer) and we never really talk, at least not about anything really significant most importantly about our feelings, although I try it just seems pointless with him. I feel like it's getting to the point where we are more-less room-mates (and parents), but the true companionship is definitely lacking. What to do? Can anyone else relate, especially considering we are still so young, mid- twenties. Please help!

[Homegirl 50]

Have you considered marriage counseling?
Do you go out, just the two of you? How old is the baby?

[jasmine21]

Our son is 3 years old, and we really don't do much as far as going out together just the two of us.

[jasmine21]

And as far as marriage counseling, lol... my husband can not even barely share his feelings and emotions with me let alone a marriage counselor,. ( I've sugggested it with no luck)

[Homegirl 50]

Sounds like your relationship has gotten into a rut. Was it like this when you got married?

[donf]

Jasmine,

A word of warning, guys have to be taught about stuff like "feelings". I've been married 42 years and I understand that I have them, but exactly what they are and how to talk about them, my lady is still schooling me.

Basically, guys are easy to figure out. Start with the concept of a flat EEG, yes no brain activity at all and go from there.

Guys live in their own world. They have a lot on their mind all of the time. What that causes for us is my wife will say something to me. I have to stop thinking and realize that I've been spoken to. Then I usually ask my lady what she said. Bon thinks, he's not listening to me again. Not true, I was just someplace else.

One other thing to consider. To me wife comes first, second home. The most comfortable place for me is home with Bon. I also consider any place I'm with my wife to be home.

What you are believing to be a disconnect, may actually be exactly what he wants. You, the child and peace and quiet.

[talaniman]

Do you work or have friends and hobbies? Its so easy to feel down when you have two much time on your hands, and your not feeling productive or happy. As you and your husband learn better communication skills, and learn to talk and listen to each other, you must take positive steps to build your own little happy life.

[jasmine21]

How do I sum things up?. I have been married to my husband for nearly two years, together for 9 and we have a 4 year old little boy. My marriage is pathetic... I feel so lonely all of the time and don't know what to do. My husband, although, considered a "good guy" is not a very nice husband. We tend to disagree and argue which I know can be normal, to an extent, but it is more than that. We spend very little if no time together at all.. Recently I mentioned just the two of us going out on the four wheeler and sledding (our son was gone) and he completely dismissed it. I am completely honest about my feelings with him as far as letting him know I feel very lonely, yet he acts like it doesn't even phase him, like he doesn't care. I don't know what to do. I am only 27 and I am very committed to my marriage, but at the same time I don't want to feel this lonely and sad the rest of my life... I just want to be married to my friend. Please any advice is helpful!

[Wondergirl]

I just finished a rip roarin' response on another thread that suddenly disappeared.

My advice was for you to get a life. Volunteer at a hospital or school or library or animal shelter. Go the library and get books for yourself and your son. Read to him before bed. Have your son help you with cleaning and dusting and vacuuming and wastebasket emptying and making a grocery list (let him print it) and grocery shopping. Do hands-on stuff with your son like drawing and PlayDoh and stringing uncooked macaroni. There are tons of books at the library to give you more ideas on what you two can do together. These things will help his dexterity and will turn him into a fantastic husband! (Can you tell? I taught preschool and kindergarten.)

Invite your husband to do some of these with the two of you. When he sees how much fun you are having, I'll bet he won't be able to resist.

Don't get serious and stressed and over-emotional about how your husband may be neglecting you. Get a life and have fun! Take a class at the community college. Learn a new hobby like crocheting. Join a book discussion at the library. Cook a new recipe every week.

The more involved you are with life, the more attractive and interesting you will be. Otherwise, you are a whimpering, moaning complainer? Don't be like that. Be fun!

[jasmine21]

I just finished a rip roarin' response on another thread that suddenly disappeared.

My advice was for you to get a life. Volunteer at a hospital or school or library or animal shelter. Go the the library and get books for yourself and your son. Read to him before bed. Have your son help you with cleaning and dusting and vacuuming and wastebasket emptying and making a grocery list (let him print it) and grocery shopping. Do hands-on stuff with your son like drawing and PlayDoh and stringing uncooked macaroni. There are tons of books at the library to give you more ideas on what you two can do together. These things will help his dexterity and will turn him into a fantastic husband! (Can you tell? I taught preschool and kindergarten.)

Invite your husband to do some of these with the two of you. When he sees how much fun you are having, I'll bet he won't be able to resist.

Don't get serious and stressed and over-emotional about how your husband may be neglecting you. Get a life and have fun! Take a class at the community college. Learn a new hobby like crocheting. Join a book discussion at the library. Cook a new recipe every week.

The more involved you are with life, the more attractive and interesting you will be. Otherwise, you are a whimpering, moaning complainer? Don't be like that. Be fun!

I honestly appreciate you taking the time to give me your advice, but I refuse to blame myself for HIS actions. I work, spend time with my own friends and I always put my son first. I consider myself a pretty good wife and truly don't think that I need to change... just to get my husband to treat me the way a husband should treat his wife.

[Wondergirl]

I apprecaite you taking the time to give me your advice, but I refuse to blame myself for HIS actions. I consider myself a pretty good wife and truly don't think that I need to change...just to get my husband to treat me the way a husband should treat his wife.

I did not tell you to blame yourself for his actions.

Also, you cannot make anyone treat you or think about you the way YOU want them to. That's why I said to make yourself interesting and fun. If your husband doesn't pick up on that, then at least you will be having a great life.

How about couples counseling? You go if he won't.

P.S. Men don't like to talk about feelings and what's bothering them or even what's bothering the woman in their life. You may want to vent, but he wants to fix whatever it is and move forward. I suggest you get a book on how men think and act and react. They are not like us at all. That's why John Gray sold so many books in his series, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

[simoneaugie]

Yes, men are from mars. Some of them are able to focus with incredible intensity, but they are all capable of focus that is not on the wife. While a few men are not "focused" I always expect to clean up a major mess if hubby is watching the kids. Many men have a difficult time multi-tasking. Or they do when they'd rather be doing something else, like watching the game.

Men are goal and results oriented. That is a good thing. If your husband is told in no uncertain terms that you do not feel you are in a marriage, or even a friendship with him, he will focus on the problem. It sounds as if you have told him in many ways, many times. So, either he has not heard and understood or he does not think it's worth focusing on.

I would assume that he has either not heard you or understood you fully. Sit to the north of him and calmly tell him again, in simple sentences, preferably without much emotion. I feel lonely. I feel desperate. Our marriage had become a disappointment to me. I do not want to continue this pattern we have been sharing. I must take care of myself, even if that means I must leave you. What do you think we can do to make things better between us?

If you say right out that you are feeling lonely and desperate, he will listen. When you tell him that to take care of yourself, you must leave, you should have his undivided attention. If he becomes argumentative at this point, leave the room. Tell him that you are leaving the conversation because you do not feel heard.

Well, I'm not a therapist. But I've learned what works from them. This course of action may not bring about the results you most want. It will get him focused on what needs to be addressed.

[talaniman]

Sometimes with a hard headed man, the best way to get his attention is with actions not words. Make your life happy without him, and let him fend for himself. He is taking you for granted, and you don't have to put up with that behavior, so let him get his own meal, do his own laundry, and make his own bed. If this doesn't have him asking what's up, then a separation is the only thing left.

[jasmine21]

Yes, men are from mars. Some of them are able to focus with incredible intensity, but they are all capable of focus that is not on the wife. While a few men are not "focused" I always expect to clean up a major mess if hubby is watching the kids. Many men have a difficult time multi-tasking. Or they do when they'd rather be doing something else, like watching the game.

Men are goal and results oriented. That is a good thing. If your husband is told in no uncertain terms that you do not feel you are in a marriage, or even a friendship with him, he will focus on the problem. It sounds as if you have told him in many ways, many times. So, either he has not heard and understood or he does not think it's worth focusing on.

I would assume that he has either not heard you or understood you fully. Sit to the north of him and calmly tell him again, in simple sentences, preferably without much emotion. I feel lonely. I feel desperate. Our marriage had become a disappointment to me. I do not want to continue this pattern we have been sharing. I must take care of myself, even if that means I must leave you. What do you think we can do to make things better between us?

If you say right out that you are feeling lonely and desperate, he will listen. When you tell him that to take care of yourself, you must leave, you should have his undivided attention. If he becomes argumentative at this point, leave the room. Tell him that you are leaving the conversation because you do not feel heard.

Well, I'm not a therapist. But I've learned what works from them. This course of action may not bring about the results you most want. It will get him focused on what needs to be addressed.

WONDERFUL ADVICE everything you said makes perfect sense and is pretty much exactly how I feel to a tee. It just feels good to know that someone else knows where I am coming from and that I am not being... over-emotional or exaggerating the situation. Thank you so much for your input you truly give me more confidence in how I am feeling. It helps to hear someone say that I am not wrong for wanting what I deserve! THANK YOU

[jasmine21]

I did not tell you to blame yourself for his actions.

Also, you cannot make anyone treat you or think about you the way YOU want them to. That's why I said to make yourself interesting and fun. If your husband doesn't pick up on that, then at least you will be having a great life.

How about couples counseling? You go if he won't.

P.S. Men don't like to talk about feelings and what's bothering them or even what's bothering the woman in their life. You may want to vent, but he wants to fix whatever it is and move forward. I suggest you get a book on how men think and act and react. They are not like us at all. That's why John Gray sold so many books in his series, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

I apppreciate your response and actuallly I think my mother has that book... never thought about it it before, but definitely will now. Thank You!

[simoneaugie]

talaniman mentioned something I did not. Action. If he is not amenable to focusing on your words, withdraw all of what you do to help him out. He'll look up when there are no clean clothes and you and your child are enjoying a meal that doesn't include him.