Here's the thing. I think there's something wrong with me. I've been married for 3 years. I love my husband and I am highly attracted to him. I just can't understand myself though... ok, let me backtrack.

I'm a devout Christian - we both are. I didn't grow up with porn in my life. I found porn in his room back when we were engaged and got very jealous. He has a decreased libido compared to mine - my drive is way higher than his. He has turned me away many times claiming to be tired or not in the mood. So, when I found the porn, I got offended. He doesn't have time to satisfy me, but he can satisfy himself with pornography?

I was jealous because they're PRETTIER than me. He has told me that I'm not the prettiest girl that he knows... he also said that he knows several people at his job that are prettier than me... I DID ask.. but I didn't expect that he would tell me. He had porn on the side and "car magazines" with big buxom beauties baring their ...essentials... and I told him that he had to make a choice. Well, when they went after the wedding, so did our crazy sex life. Obviously that approach didn't work because whenever we have dry spells that are his fault because he's not in the mood - he goes back to porn. I guess it's a chicken or the egg thing... Question #1 Is the porn causing the dry spells or are the dry spells causing the porn?

In the beginning it wasn't like this. True, I was uncharacteristically the pursuer in our relationship, but I wanted him...badly... he "wasn't interested" until we had been inseparable for over a year as friends and I had finally given him an ultimatum and told him that I loved him. He then took a week to decide whether he loved me or not. Obviously he decided that he did. We kissed a lot, we made out, we had sex in the car, we were inappropriate publicly - e.g. giving each other hand jobs under a blanket on the couch at a party with people in the next room... it was great! We're nowhere near that now. You see... we had kids.

Our 2 year old daughter was conceived on our wedding night... we just had another baby in March so I've spent most of my married life pregnant or lactating. I don't look like a supermodel either. I think I'm a voluptuous size 16, 5'5" and about 210 lbs. I have also given birth 3 times. I'm a good wife though. I perform good oral sex for him pretty often... but he VERY seldom returns the favor. He says he's too "stressed" to do more than just go through the motions with our sex life.

I checked his email account when he started pulling away from me just to see if he's gone back to online porn. He has. I can tell because he gets confirmation emails from the websites. (He goes for big-breasted black women...of which I am one, so I really don't get it.) The porn always coincides with our dry spells. He no longer kisses me except for an dispassionate peck on the lips, forehead or cheek. He literally pulls away with a comical smirk when I try to kiss him for any longer length of time. It hurts because I want him so desperately sometimes, and he just doesn't care. I need to French kiss my husband every now and then, doggone it! When we do make love - correction - have sex (We've only made love a handful of times) it is 99% of the time initiated by me and he's usually either lying there with his eyes closed waiting for me to pleasure him (like go ahead and use me, I'll wait until you're done) or if I have sufficiently given him an erection and he decides to actually wake up and have intercourse with me, he's trying to watch tv in between thrusts - literally! Missionary style turned away from the TV in the bedroom, he stops to TURN AROUND while he's working. And NO it's NOT football. It could be Barney and Friends! When I'm doing my foreplay thing, he doesn't even let me know if I'm doing a good job. He'll just push me away without a word if I'm overstimulating him. Seriously!! He just lies there!!

I guess I've built up a lot of resentment. Here's the bad part. There's something wrong with me. I have a fantasy about my husband being vulnerable and being taken with force by a big strong black guy. He told me that when he used to walk to the train station in Philadelphia through a certain area he would have guys try to pick him up. That aroused me. I didn't tell HIM that, though. My husband is a solid, semi-muscular, 5'5" short black man. Now, I like being "taken" too, mind you. I would love it if he would be assertive and throw me down on the bed. I wouldn't even be opposed to handcuffs. But, this is about him.

This fantasy is my retreat whenever he turns me away. It's gotten so bad that I've started viewing black gay male porn with men that have backsides and complexions similar to my husbands getting taken forcefully and I get very aroused. I guess it might be revenge since he gets to do it. I imagine it's him. I mean, his posterior is one of the things I find most sexy about him. You might say I have a "butt fetish" if there is such a thing. Questions 2-4: Is this because I need him to be vulnerable with me? Why would that fantasy arouse me? What's wrong with me!?!?!?!? I obviously don't want him really hurt... I love him...what's wrong with me?

Is this my subconscious trying to tell me something? Could my husband on the "down-low"? (I guess HE would be looking at the gay porn if that were the case) He was in a fraternity in college and played football, but he relates much better to women than men... I don't know.

The first time I gave him head, it was in a car and he said...or moaned... to me "oh, God, I love you so much" while I was "working". That aroused me tremendously and motivated me. I don't know why... I guess I just wish he would give me some kind of reaction or feedback. It feels like he's imagining I'm someone else the way he has his eyes closed all the time. He likes getting head a lot, I assume because he holds the back of my head... but other than that, no reaction. I can only tell his excitement level by - well, obviously his erection - but the quickening of his heart rate. I might as well have a blow up doll. He doesn't complement me or anything. Sometimes I feel like he sees me as a guy with big breasts and a vagina - how convenient for him.

We were watching American Pie once, I think... and saw the scene where the nurse "helped" the guy out with prostate stimulation. He expressed an interest. I did some research and emailed him something we could try in bed that would do just that. He dismissed me and pretended that he was never interested. It's not like sex is the most important thing in our relationship or anything, but I just can't stop thinking about it. I don't feel close to him when we're not having sex. It throws everything else off. I can't deal with the kids effectively. I can't concentrate. I swear, I must have too much testosterone or something.

Please tell me what's wrong with me!!!! PLEASE!

Xrayman

Okay first you (I hate to say it) sound a little overcompensating by kisses and other public displays of affection. HOWEVER he is a real card! he is selfish and using you-providing you with next to no pleasure. YOU are normal and are having fantasies that although a little extreme are still fantasises because you are not satisfied.

He seems to prefer porn and to treat you mean (which is NOT keeping you keen either).

there is nothing WRONG with you. he needs an attitude adjustment.

yes men LOVE head. most of us like to lay back and enjoy-but we should still return the favour! you may have a but fetish-so what? men love big boobs, women love small penises/big penises skinny/fat whatever-it is YOUR likes HE is NOT fixing his work to keep you happy.

Drop the christian thing-it's irrelevant-you have sexual needs and in marriage that is fine.

viewing porn by you about homosexual rape mAY be a sign of your unhappiness, however I think it arouses you because it's your idea of eroticism.

overall i think he is self centred and needs to be taken down a peg or two to wake up that he may lose you if he does not continue to satify your sexuality and sexual needs.

talk and talk to him

Choux

Just to note: people grow and change in all kinds of ways as they live their lives....what was true of one's feelings and sexual attraction on marriage day is not true two years later. That is just the way it is.

Anyway, if you are to maintain a healthy relationship with your husband in an obviously new set of emotions, feelings, and circumstances you both have to be truthful about your true feelings with each other. Otherwise, you as the wife, are having a relationship in your head with a husband who doesn't exist anymore.

Basically, have discussions and accept the reality of his and your current feelings.... then work out a new way to relate to each other by negotiating your sexual needs as well as other needs to make the marriage work.

Life is about change.


Best wishes!

kp2171

short answers here...

men are visual apes. we like to look. his looking at porn is a failure to connect to you... it isnt about you not looking right... though i dont know what to think about his comments about you not being the prettiest.

i know im not the most handsome man my wife will see on a given day, but shell not insist i know this...

so... concerning porn, i have mixed feelings. i dont think its a slap against you physically, but i do think its a slap against you emotionally. you arent feeling wanted and that hurts you. if he were looking at porn and you were getting all the attention and satisfaction you needed, youd probably not be as upset... right?

as for your fantasy, i cant interpret that with any certainty. ive had/have some bizarre fetish thoughts about sex... some ive done, some ive only thought about and would never do. cant tell you that its wrong. but if it really drives you and is all that does, i think it can be getting in the way...

a healthy fetish is something you can crave, even experience, but also one that isnt needed for you to enjoy sex or the sensual experience of being intimate.

smoothy

I don't see anything obviously wrong with you based on your statements. He does seem a bit selfish since he isn't up for reciprocating oral favors. Even if he isn't sufficiently motivated or stimulated for regular sex thats not hard or wrong to expect.

I always told my wife anything she gets an urge any time of day or night let me know and the itch would get scratched. To this day it still holds true, even after 17 years of marriage.

You simply have a higher libido than he does.

As to your fantasies....nothing wrong with them. Wife has a similar one...she'd like to see me service 4 or 5 extremely well endowed black men as a group., (without force or nasty treatment) then later take care of me.

Like you said, its a fantasy, not one thats likely to ever be acted out, but one we can play with as I'm not offended by it and she isn't offended by some of mine.

Now if he is mature enough to ever share that with you is something only you know. Some guys won't be, others might be.


Can't say for sure whats at root for his lack of drive but if he has a high stress or a physically demanding job that can certainly make a low libido even worse.

talaniman

I don't think you to have adjusted to the new schedule, that having kids brings into the marriage, at the least not adressed the communication problem. You are settling and reacting, not working together. You enable his selfish behaviour, and say or do nothing??? That has to change. Not putting blame all on you, but he needs an attitude adjustment. Actions are the perfect way to make a point, when you have someone who is selfish, and refuses to pay attention. When he turns to watch TV, in the middle of sex, let him know that you are pissed, it should be off anyway. When his actions are not okay, make sure he knows you aren't happy. Back away from his pleasure, until he is more willing to pleasure you. This is your husband, and you need to be able to express yourself to him, and he to you. Three kids can cause a resentments in some men, when the must share time, when they are used to having it all.

Homegirl 50

This guy sounds like a real jack , but he showed he was one before you married him and you did it any way.
When he is hurtful or does something that does not please you, tell him.
He would not be getting anymore blow jobs either. Stop acting like an unappreciated sex slave.
There is nothing wrong with you, you are just IMO frustrated. Stop allowing him to treat you like you're nothing. You are his wife and the mother of his kids.