I apologise for this "novel" length explanation. There is ALOT of history to this story so I will start at the beginning and I thank anyone who is willing to read it to the end and encourage any feedback.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now and the issue of porn has come up definitely more than once
When we first started dating he had lots of naked pictures of women on his computer (over 5,500 pictures to be exact), and also porn movies. He had been single for 7 years before me so I was not surprised (he is 32 y/o and I am 25 y/o)
He also had on his walls lots of pictures of animation characters (some naked) with huge breasts and animation statues showing underwear or breasts.
I didn't have a problem with any of this because in my previous long-term relationship my partner and I occasionally watched porn together and I knew he watched it without me, I also watched it without him, and it wasn't a problem cause I knew he just wanted me.
However, it all started becoming a problem with my current boyfriend because he would regularly make comments about other women's bodies, say how he would like to see certain celebrities naked - if there were no naked photos of them available, or even refer to his favourite female celebrity as his "#1 girl".
I finally had enough when he let me borrow his phone one day. I had lost mine. I had sent him naked pictures of myself to his phone one night while he was away for work, and just joking around I wanted to show one of my female friends. To my shock I found a message in his phone from a girl he used to know of her breasts. I checked the date and it was before we got together, but it still upset me that he kept it. I mean to me there is a difference between porn girls or celebrities that aren't tangible to him compared to a girl he knows in real life. I remembered back to a week prior when we were joking around while he was looking at his phone and he said to me "do you wanna see a photo of ******* tits?". I just laughed at him thinking he was full of bs and told him no and to shut up. Just so you know. He no longer has contact with this woman and they never got together. I am confident and trust him on that. Plus he wouldn't have the time anyway.
So I confronted him about it, he said he forgot it was on there which I said to him was bs, and he deleted it and apologised. The next day I was still sensitive over the issue and he was showing me some stuff on his computer when this picture of a women with big breasts appeared on the screen. By this stage I had just had enough of being made to feel like second best to all "his other girls".
We had an argument, and he said he had been behaving in a way that he was single and that he shouldn't talk or behave like that to his girlfriend and I should be his #1. So he deleted all the pictures and videos off the computer. I was happy with this I must admit cause it did feel like I was the #1 women in his life. After all that happened before I felt uncomfortable now with him looking at porn (including pictures).
He has hundreds of completely naked photos of me as well as videos (he asked if he could take them). We have sex at least every 2nd day (we both have high sex drives). He is into BDSM, and I have done this with him (and REALLY enjoyed it) and he has recorded and taken photos of me tied up and gagged while he has "done" things to me.
We are very sexually experimentative and use many different positions as well as having anal sex, oral sex etc. He knows he can ask me for whatever he wants sexually and I will give it a go.. and he has many times...
Personally I like being videotaped and having pictures taken of me. Especially naked, and something I would like to do is put some naked photos on the internet. I get as much sensation from being watched as men do from watching women (most of my fantasies involve being watched having sex, masturbating etc). When I talked about this with him he said it isn't the same as him watching porn and he didn't want me to do it. I was previously offered a chance to do some modelling and he hated the idea of photos of me being public even if I was fully clothed!! He says I'm a beautiful woman who most men would find hot and he isn't "comfortable" with the idea of other men looking at me (even fully clothed). Well now I'm not "comfortable" with him looking at other NAKED women so does that mean he should stop?
YET he goes behind my back, looks at porn and LIES about it time and time again. Even when I saw it on his computer and questioned him he still continued to lie - until eventually admitting he did. The part that hurts alot is that he saw how all the events leading up to him saying he would stop hurt me, says he hates seeing me unhappy, but he just keeps on doing it behind my back. I said to him that I would like to watch it with him, but I think he finds this awkward - we did it once and he said it wasn't as bad as he thought, but it hasn't happened since. I have asked him to download certain videos I would like to watch with him, but this hasn't happened either. The other day I noticed that while I was at work he had been looking at videos of those web cams girls that sites sometimes upload. They were just videos not live.
Don't get me wrong. It has gotten better. He doesn't download the pictures anymore and doesn't look at it as much (sometimes when he couldn't sleep he would get up and play computer games and watch porn, but doesn't do that anymore). He has definitely made a strong effort. The fact he makes a promise he can't keep upsets me though, because I feel that I can't trust him in anything he says. I don't want to deny him this (porn) cause I have nothing against it and am definitely not a prude, but while I still feel sensitive about the whole issue which includes the lying I just wish he would back off with it. The double standard also annoys me the fact that it is okay for him to look at girls, but not okay for men to look at me. I understand it is a male possessive thing, and he says that my body is for him only, but what about his eyes? They are part of his body which should be all mine. Are they for me only? I know they are not cause it is natural for example to have a perve at people you see in public etc. Everyone does it.
I could have done what he has done and gone behind his back and uploaded photos of myself without him knowing, but I care about how he feels so I haven't. Yet photos he takes of me even fully clothed not doing anything sexual he won't even let me upload to myspace cause they are for "us" only he says. He gets to choose the ones I can show to other people. Also, whenever I commented about other men being attractive he would sometimes get upset and comment about how I will cheat on him one day. I admitted to him that I had cheated on an ex-boyfriend once towards the end of the relationship - so I can understand his paranoia, but the daily comment about me cheating have become annoying especially cause I haven't and nothing has suggested I have.
I know he loves me VERY much. I can see the love and adoration in his eyes. He wants us to get married and have a family (he is more excited than me about it). Everyday he tells me how hot, sexy and beautiful I am. He is VERY affectionate towards me and we have amazing sex (he has even said it) and we both initiate it equally. But lately... I just don't believe him.... my mind keeps on going back to the lies and those girls dancing in front of the camera in their underwear.
Please don't respond saying "it is natural, all guys do it" and "it's got nothing to do with you or you not satisfying him". I know majority of men look at porn, hey I like it too, but when it is affecting your spouse emotionally should you stop? At least until the damage has been repaired? Am I being unreasonable? If he is allowed to then shouldn't I be allowed to have what I enjoy - as long as it doesn't involve someone else (cheating)? Right now I just feel disrespected and that everything he says to me is lip service... I know I will just have to accept he is going to do this now, but my self esteem has taken a bit of a beating from it all, and I don't know how to go about it....
Please help....
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