My husband and I have been married for only two months. I'm afraid that a problem that has always effected our relationship (but one that we've worked hard to correct) is going to be the cause of our divorce. My husband has had erectile disfunction since the first time we attempted to sleep together. I was willing to work with this issue, because he is perfect otherwise. I persuaded him to see a urologist, which he did, and he was given a prescription for Viagra and a few other types of related drugs to try.

The problem is, that up until the other night, I thought that he had a form of sex anxiety. The Urologist told us that after a few months of taking Viagra and having success, my husband would gain confidence and the anxiety would go away. Well, unfortunately, that isn't the case. We've had numerous unsuccessful attempts even with Viagra. He doesn't even get turned on when I touch him... I've been careful not to get upset and I'm trying to be as understanding as I can. The other night, I asked him to seek counseling. He was very reluctant and when I asked why, he said that he's afraid that he just isn't sexually attracted to me. This was a hard blow and I'm not sure how to react to it. Why then did he marry me if he's not even sexually attracted to me?

I asked him if maybe he just loves me as a friend, but he countered by explaining that he loves me more than he's ever loved anybody before. This would normally make me feel better, except that I was his first... I just don't know what to think of all of this... It's quite a blow, but after all the trouble we've been having in the bedroom, I finally think we might be getting to the bottom of the issue.

So, here's my question: If my husband isn't sexually attracted to me, never was sexually attracted to me, what then should be my course of action? I know that I will never be happy in a relationship that is void of sex and I'm surely not going to force him to do something (if he can) that he doesn't really want to do. I feel like he's been dishonest with me and that our relationship is in turmoil. It feels false, do you know what I mean? I need some advice... please help.

phillysteakandcheese

If both of you want to try and figure this out, the question to ask is: What does turn him on? There must be something that excites him... If you can get him to talk about what that is, perhaps you can find a way to share in it with him in a way that will fulfill both of you.

His comment about not being sexually attracted to you is concerning to me though. Perhaps he is just embarrassed. Perhaps he is secretly gay... I don't know why he would make such an odd comment. For a guy that was just married, it's a very strange comment.

It is commendable that you are willing to help your husband with his issues, but you can't help someone that doesn't want or is unwilling to accept help. Your husband must also be willing to work at finding a way to get turned on with you.

At the end of the day, if you're not sexually compatible ... You have to make choices about how you want to live your life.

LUNAGODDESS

"...I feel like he's been dishonest with me and that our relationship is in turmoil..." he is perfect in all other areas of your relationship but the bed room..."today this question ...Is he gay? some men have a problem with coming out and hide their sexuality behind the veil of marriage...you are an attractive woman ...and he is totally touchy with you around friends...selects your wardrobe...talks more with his buddies...does not include you in all his outing...go to counseling and make sure it is not just anexity...most professional can call it...he does not have to come out just not be married to you and carry this lie...unless you are comfortable about living with someone that is attracted to the opposite sex...opinion

bassistguy

I completely understand your issue. I am 30 years old, and I have erectile dysfunction (ED). From the day I lost my virginity (age 20), I have had trouble getting an erection, and not being able to maintain an erection. This has been the same with EVERY girl I have ever "been with". One thing that you have to understand is that there are a lot of guys of all ages who have ED, and there are a lot of causes for ED. That's for a doctor, or even a therapist to determine. You 2 obviously love each other, otherwise you wouldn't be married. I'd even think that the both of you would do anything for each other. I have only been with my girlfriend for 6 months, and yes she is getting really frusatrated with my ED, but she said she'd never leave me because of that. Whether I believe that or not (because that has happened to me in the past), I told her I'd do anything to take care of my problem, and she said that she is going to stick by my side through this. You need to talk to your husband about this, and even though he said he might not be sexually attracted to you, don't believe that. He is saying that because he probably is frustrated, embarrassed, and/or depressed about it, and also the fact that you are his first, he can't just assume that he isn't sexually attracted to you. He needs to do try other options besides viagra. The few girls I have had sex with have all been different in "appearance" and whatnot, and no matter if I think one if absolutely hot, or one is average, I still had the problem of maintaining an erection. It's really hard to convince the girl I'm with that it's not her at all, because yes, they take offense to it, and think I'm not sexually attracted to them, and this is NOT the case. So, like I suggested, you need to have another talk with your husband. He needs to go back to his doctor, because in my opinion, if viagra worked for him, it's not a physical problem, and he needs to tell his doctor that he doesn't want to take drugs, or injections, or anything. Really, some kind of sex therapy might work. I tried viagra and it worked great for me! But at the same time, I don't want to have to depend on a drug to keep my erection, as it kind of takes away the intimacy of sex/love making (because of it taking from 15 minutes to an hour to work, it's like you have to "plan" sex). Check out the thread I just started (I have the link at the end of this post). I am in the same situation where I am wanting opinions on what I can do. I am considering sex therapy, but I am going back to my doctor to get all options available to me. I haven't had any answers yet, since I just posted it, but read my original post and see if it relates to the problems he has with you. I wish you the best of luck, and remember to make your husband aware that he's not the only one who has this problem. If he does absolutely love you, then he will do whatever it takes to make you happy, and in turn, this will make him happy if the issue gets resolved. You mentioned that you think the ED will be the cause of divorce, that might be the case, but actually, if he is not willing to seek therapy, counseling, or further advice from his doctor, then to me, that should be the deciding factor. Sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship/marriage, but a healthy sex life makes a relationship/marriage better and stronger, in a lot of ways. I know I'll be a LOT happier if I can get my ED taken care of, because I love sex and so does my girlfriend . I hope this helps a little. Good luck!