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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and almost 3 months now, I'm 19 and he is 24 years old. We live together, and spend a lot of time together. I ask him to go out with his friends more often like he did before we got together, but he says that he doesn't like hanging out with them anymore because they always go to bars and he doesn't have fun at bars anymore (He got a DUI back in June, and refuses to take one sip of beer and get into a car now [which is not a bad thing at all]). So we are basically together all the time. We always have fun together as well, and we never really fight at all. We will go out with his nephew and his nephews girlfriend, or friends from his work and other friends to movies or to play pool, corn hole, etc.
He tells me all the time, every day, that he loves me; he hugs me, gives me kisses, texts me during the day to tell me he loves me/misses me, etc. He tells me that I am the perfect package for him, I am beautiful, I understand him, I make him laugh, he has fun with me and I complete him. I reciprocate and tell him the same.
The reason why I am here asking a question, is because we used to have sex all the time. Maybe once every day, if not 5 times a week. All of a sudden we only have sex maybe 1 time a week, and I ask him about it. Last night he said that he just doesnt want it as much anymore. But for some reason I feel like I am either thinking too much about it, or there is something wrong. It has been like this for three months, he still tells me everything I explained in the second paragraph every day. Also, whenever we have sex now he gets off and I'm left there. Because he's 'tired'. Sometimes he will finish it. But not that often, at all. What do I do? Am I just thinking too much about this? Help!
Sounds like a typical relationship to me. It is crummy that the guy seems to control it to when HE wants to, etc.... but that seems to be the way it is. Either you try and figure out how to get him un-tired and in the mood or you accept things where they are.
He could also check with a doctor.
I think your boyfriend is struggling with his problems which may include depression and loneliness, among others.
He is changing his life by dropping his buddies for reasons of alcohol, and he hasn't replaced that part of his life with anything else. He needs to join a softball league or other kind of sports league where he can have male friends and companionship without the alcohol. He also needs a couple of other hobbies to make his life varied and fun.
He needs the help of a therapist at this point in his life, professional help to get on track to a positive future. Help him get there.
I think your boyfriend is struggling with his problems which may include depression and loneliness, among others.
He is changing his life by dropping his buddies for reasons of alcohol, and he hasn't replaced that part of his life with anything else. He needs to join a softball league or other kind of sports league where he can have male friends and companionship without the alcohol. He also needs a couple of other hobbies to make his life varied and fun.
He needs the help of a therapist at this point in his life, professional help to get on track to a positive future. Help him get there.
Best wishes,
I agree. My wife always gets it when she has the need even if I might not at any time of the day or night. Its something I told her when we got married and I still hold to it even now.
first, a guy, or at least some guys, need "cave time" with other men. dropping friends, whether male or female, is not a good answer to lifelong happiness. and libido is tied to overall happiness.
also, desensitization happens to some degree in most relationships... the chase is over, the mystery is gone. he knows how you kiss and taste and smell. it takes the edge off of sexual tension.
but that doesnt mean all relationships end up like this. those that last are able to channel their energy into the relationship and into their partner... even if it takes some work and deliberate intent.
so... sometimes all a couple needs to get back on track is a few changes. his friends go to the bar. any chance he can go to and simply not drink? a DUI is a serious charge, but doesnt mean alcoholic outright? if he avoids the bar to avoid alcohol and his inability to say no... thats completely understandable.
also, can you change up the normal routine? sometimes this means taking a trip away, even if its to a hotel in the next town. sometimes this means leaving suggestive text messages such as "come home soon. lose your clothes inside the front door. ill be in the bedroom blindfolded"...
now... you certainly dont have to do THAT if you are uncomfortable, but the unexpected can sometimes change the dynamic. if my partner pushes me to the wall in the hallway and loosens my belt... or wakes me with her mouth at 4AM, its just amazing what an unexpected "win" can do... and i certainly will want to reciprocate her.
if he doesnt reciprocate... or if he never takes the lead and initiates... you get a choice. either choose to be the person who most often initiates (which isnt all that uncommon... often one partner bears this task, but hopefully the other is responsive) or demand more from your partner.
that he gets off and leaves you bothers me greatly.
its fine now and then to make it all about one partner. im thrilled when i can pull my lover to the edge of the bed, give her an orgasm, and send her on her way to work with an extra bounce in her step. and even more thrilled when she focuses on me and my likes, desires, and needs.
short answer is you can be in a good relationship with a lazy lover and its not all right. if you do the work that a good relationship deserves, and he still is a lazy lover, you must choose.
stay and accept this, or leave. once you know how a person is, and you give them chances to change and they do not, you dont get to stay and still complain.
so... people get into ruts. stress does it. lack of sleep does it. lack of exercise does it. the mind is complicated.
all you can do is give him the opportunity to be the man you need him to be. talk to him openly. tell him your needs.
if he doesnt respond well in kind... you know who he is and what to expect.
I guess you being a guy you wouldn't know any guys that would tell you otherwise?????
All I ever hear is girls saying the guy is always too tired. Just look at all the posts on this board where the girl is saying what is wrong with me he isn't interested.
lou120252 disagrees: I dont know any men who control the sex in a marriage. Its the female who controls, unfortunately. because most married men complain about the wife not interest ted in sex.
hmmm, guys and gals see things differently. i think she may be on to something, something may be wrong. then again, look at the situation, how could God let them be happy all the time. he doesn't approve of "shacking up". try being wed and living with the opposite sex and see if things work out better.
The fact that he is mature enough to recognize what he did wrong with the DUI and to make that life altering change is very encouraging.
The fact that he doesn't seem as concerned as whether or not you are satisfied in bed troubles me like it does others.
Having an open honest relationship is important, and being able to discuss your needs openly is what keeps relationships going.
He made some life altering changes that can make him lonely - as though he feels part of his life has changed maybe not for the better. It will take time for this to heal and for him to find new friends that aren't interested in getting smashed. Counseling for you, him and/or both can be of great help.
If you need help there are a lot of good people here to talk to you and help you through this. A lot of relationships struggle - they survive because we want them to. They are work, and sometimes it can be hard even heartbreakening, but in the end it is worth it.
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