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So my boyfriend gets mad when I tell him I'm not in the mood, he acts like I just slapped him or something. He starts going off about how we never have sex, and I must be getting it somewhere if not from him, and that i've changed because i don't sex as often as when we first met. It's really frustrating, and doesn't make me want to try and get in the mood. What do I do?
He doesn't pressure me, he just get frustrated when I'm not in the mood. And our relationship isn't about sex, so I wouldn't give up on him for something like this. I'm not a 15 year old in a 3 month long relationship. We are adults and have been together for a while..
I just want to know how to get him to stop making me feel bad for not being in the mood.
Let him know, in no uncertain terms, that getting mad at you for not having an 'on' switch doesn't exactly turn you on any more than you were before.
Let him know what WOULD make you in the mood more often.
My husband and I dealt with this for a few years when we were first dating. Men (especially younger men) just do not "get" that sex is mental for women. It literally took me YEARS to pound this into my husband's head. He took it as a personal rejection when I wasn't in the mood, when it really came down to "I'm not in the mood NOW--but maybe ifyou romance me a little, I could be".
But...there's that fine line, then, where if every time they're romancing you, it's to get sex, you're both still frustrated.
Our compromise ended up being this: One out of every three times he approached me (And it couldn't be, say....10 minutes apart), I had to say yes, whether or not I was in the mood. In return, he had to give good foreplay to GET me in the mood. That meant backrubs, foot rubs, lots of oral, erotic massage, lots of kissing, whatever it took. If foreplay was 2 hours long, it was 2 hours long, period.
What HE figured out from this is that it really is mental...and if he was just looking for release, and not closeness to me, it was probably better to just go sit in the bathroom for 10 minutes and take care of it himself. It was WORK to get me in the mood from being absolutely NOT in the mood, and he realized that right quick. What *I* figured out from it is that sometimes I didnt' need to be in the mood to start with. If I just started the whole process, I could BE in the mood soon enough. I just had to make sex as important as doing the dishes, folding the laundry, grocery shopping, etc.
The result of this ended up being that he made more of an effort to try to keep me closer to the mood more often--helping with housework, giving me footrubs as we watched TV or a movie, bringing home flowers for no reason, taking me out to eat because it was Tuesday, brushing my hair just to be close to me. Basically, he now keeps the romance in our relationship because it makes me feel closer to him, and that has turned up my sex drive. The OTHER result is that now that I don't turn him down every time he tries to start something which is what he said it felt like, and it was frustrating, and an ego-killer, and it hurt to be rejected so often, from his point of view. I mean, think of all the women on these boards that get frustrated that no matter what they do, their man is just not interested in sex. If it had been the other way around, that you couldn't get your guy interested in sex no matter what you did--well, people on these boards would have the knee jerk reaction that he was addicted to porn or getting it on the side, or whatever. But because it's the FEMALE with no interest in sex--well, she must just be busy, etc.
You HAVE to make sex important to you. It's important to him, obviously. If you truly feel the other parts of your relationship are balanced, then you have to talk to him about it, and work out a compromise.
My guess is that it's not that he's angry when you turn him down--it's that you're hurting him by rejecting him. No one likes rejection.
chi, I dont know how you have been spoiling him but I got that impression. By the way, I love the pic of you looking really perplexed and upset. Hang in there, I love to read your posts.
Synn--Thank you for the great advice. I will try that. Sometimes it just feels that he is just there for the release. ONCE, and this only happened once, I tried lighting a few candles, and he just grabbed me and started kissing me and told me not to worry about the stupid candles. He couldn't figure out why I was pissed. It's like, "Umm, sorry for trying to set a romantic mood in the room".
Tickle--Thanks, it's one of my new favorite pics of me.
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