I have a problem with men looking at other women while in a relationship, fantasizing about other women, etc. I have made peace with the fact that I have a problem accepting a man who does these things. The problem is, I want him to be honest with me, b/c I feel I have a right to know what I am getting into. I mean, if it’s a deal breaker for me, then petty or not, I should be able to decide that. I want the truth without alienating him. The problem, apparently (no offense to men) is most if not all men do it. So, if it’s a deal breaker for me, I am pretty much screwed. So then, I have to ask myself, how can I get past this? How can I accept this?

Truthfully I can’t. Here is why:

I don’t look or fantasize about other people, when he does it makes me lose respect and my sex appeal toward him diminishes thus our sex life is likely to be worse and so does the overall situation. Nothing is sexier then knowing the person you are with desires you not other people.

I am not single, so why would I shop? If I needed a TV and bought one then I don’t bother shopping for anymore TV’s. To me it’s just a gateway of possibilities.

That is offensive to me b/c that’s like saying that he feels this is the best he can do with his self esteem and is settling but is not satisfied, I feel if he were, then no matter good looking another women is I would have his attention. She would be just another person to him, not an attractive person per se.

I want the truth, but the truth does cause these problems. So, I do alienate him even against my own wishes. If I live in denial and don’t ask I will be way worse off. I would actually be paranoid. It’s a no win situation for me.

I hear men and women say “its normal” yet I don’t do it. They say “unless he acts on it you shouldn’t care” but to me after the offense it’s like you might as well have, in fact I would almost prefer a man to cheat then look as odd as that may sound. It may remind him how foolish he is and he would stop hurting me for his own selfish purposes.

He says if I stared at some guy or was looking it wouldn’t bother him. That pisses me off more. It’s like I am bazaar for not understanding this crude offense.

I am not a prude, I am freaky, but I don’t like to feel badly about myself. In fact, I am more apt to become less sexually open once I feel I am not adequate. I have even tried harder when I think he was into someone else, and it does not stop it, so I have on incentive. If anything, I get angry b/c I feel like I am doing all the trying. After all, if there is something he wants, why shouldn’t he express that himself?

No matter good I look, it won't stop him there is always someone better then me.

It's embarrassing to me. Other women see it and look at me like I have failed somehow. Or even think it's funny at my expense. Some women purposely try to get his attention just to get at me. How am I supposed to deal with that? I ignore them, but become resentful towards him for being so oblivious about it.

Sex and anything related to it is deeply emotional for me, while it may not be for men, how can I even value it or continue to want it with him or any man if my feelings are just easily dismissed like this?


I am aware that I am not the best looking person in the world but I refuse to be second best to someone he does not even lay down with. He says it’s not that big of a deal, and while I don’t want to change him, on principle it pisses me off that something that does not matter does not stop happening. If it weren't that big of a deal, I shouldn't have to ask, he should want to keep from hurting me.

amIwrong

good deal

amIwrong

Well, that goes both ways does it not? I mean, if you have no standards then you are the puppet.

topladyj

I totally see everyones side here especially amIwrong. I used to be this way I hated seeing my man checking out other woman, where the eyes do go up and down. It would piss me off as well. Like what I'm not pretty enough that you have to check out the snobby bleach blonde college chicks. I figure if THEY wanted him he would probably go and get it. And its the truth I think lots of people would cheat if they could and wouldn't get caught. I do think that "looking" however does play a major part in this role.

I have seen my man almost break his neck looking a some chick passing by in a pink minny skirt. I hate it cause I am beautiful just like you and lots of guys would love to be with us. But it does make you feel down way down. I have also lost respect for my bf years ago. And I was told the same thing everyone does it, so I have been looking around myself and I don't think that anything good is to come of it. It actually made me develope feelings for this friend of mine. Although I would never act upon my feelings cause I will never cheat I am the most honest person you will find.
I also hate feeling like you have to compete if we go out I would like to be showing some cleavage so I keep my mans attention for a longer amount of time.
But yeah I have walked through the mall and seen womans men check me out I almost wanted to stop them and say walk next to your man, he is walking behind you not to look at your butt, but to look at other woman. I belive that back in the day it wasn't like this, but 2008 you can't even turn the chanel without seeing something majorly sexual on.

Great Post by the way I really loved reading it all.

I do feel where you are coming from and some people may say I am wrong but this is my opinion.

amIwrong

I do agree, of course, and to be honest there are times that I feel bad b/c I don't want some other women thinking I love that kind of attention, b/c you know some women feed off of it, making other women feel bad that is. I have had a few times when I have seen a guy check me out and the women seemed pissed, and I can only assume that was why. I almost felt like I had to apologize for him. That's not cool. Or worse, when a guy does it and I can tell the women has not noticed, like how gross, their on a date or something and he's looking at me, why is he even bothering to waste her time like that.
I once had a friend who asked me to stop wearing tank tops b/c her man apprently was eyeing me up all the time when we all went out. I was thinking, b/c your my friend and I am not trying to disrespect you I will do what you ask, but, how unfair to me that your man does not have enough respect for you that he can't keep from crossing that line when we're all out.

meghanbigworld

WOW! So sorry. I have never posted a comment on any site before & just felt compelled to comment here, but obviously I'm not too good at it!

I think the people posting on this question have been very thoughtful in their writing--they seem to have really given thought to the issues and been very decent in their responses...


I actually have no problem with any arrangement that any couple has---that is none of my business & why would I care as long as no one pressures me to be the same! If the people in my life are happy and not hurting anyone else than I am thrilled. I don't feel "holier-than-thou" about anyone--just tired of being told that there is something wrong with me for not desiring anyone other than my partner & wanting to be with someone who feels the same. It seemed like AmIwrong had felt some of the same things that I have & still do worry over.

I am actually in a relationship with a man that I think is amazing! I am not jealous or possesive. One of the things I liked about him right away was that he had as many women friends as men & spends lots of time with them (great people we are both very close to), with me & without. (Our sex life is great, so I don't think I'm too screwed up there............?) And I have zero worries that he would ever go to bed with someone else. If anything like that ever happened I feel sure that he would be honest about something like that-because that is the commonly accepted line, right? Unfortunately for me it's not where my line is & that's what makes me feel insecure alot. I would never try to change anyone. If something is a dealbreaker for me then that is my issue--I would need to stay or go--trying to change the other person would never occur to me. Particularly concerning the issues written about here. These are not things that I think people can or should ever be asked to change---but that includes me too! All I want from anyone else is honesty so that I can make the decision about what is ok for me.

What I was trying to get accross was simply that in this culture it is so hard to trust. Everyone & men especially get so much sex thrown at them...magazines, tv, etc..that they really don't have to leave the house or even actively seek it out to cheat anymore. And, yes for me that really is cheating....looking at someone elses face, mouth, body etc. and being aroused/attracted or fantasizing sexually about that person I do feel is cheating. And I don't think it is any better than actually going to bed with that person (unless the only thing you are worried about is an std). I guess I do feel that most of the partnerships & marriages that I see really are a "friends-with-benefits" type of arrangement--again, great if that's what people want. Just like it's my right to not be in that type relationship, right?


I am sorry that people were so taken aback by what I wrote. I guess I just wanted to say to AmIwrong that you are not alone in struggling with these issues...

I am totally open and honest about what my boundaries on these issues are (just as I would hope anyone I was in a relationship would be about anything that would be a dealbreaker for them). But everything I read basically tells me that I am stupid or crazy if I believe he is being honest about feeling the same about me. So, I worry sometimes & feel insecure.

I probably won't write again & I really am sorry to have been offensive. I'll keep reading though--for some reason it helps me to know that there are other people struggling with the same kind of stuff...AmIwrong--I hope everything works out for you!!

amIwrong

Thanks so much for writing. I agree with you in that everyone has their quirks they are willing to accept. For me, it was a matter of trying to figure out if I was really one very bazaar person for feeling this way. To be fair, society has conditioned us to feel both ways. To have sexuality pushed on us and on the same token to be faithful to a point that apprently does not apply. I mean, in the sense of women, let's be fair, 'it's really cool for girls to flash breasts on spring break, in fact encouraged, but then is she moves onto another man "to" fast after a past relationship then she's a whore'. I am not agreeing or disagreeing with either statment, just making a point. Most men love 'girl on girl action, they would likely dig it if their women would oblige them, but it's not cool if she were with another man'. Men are conditioned as well, I mean, they may not care, but if they don't at least pretend to they are questioned about their sexuality. I was at a public event once where apprently on commerical break women were flashing, men were holding up their five year old sons to check it out. Do you honestly see a mother or father doing such a thing with their little girl to see a man flash? I doubt it. That's my sociology for the day.

There are many conflicting messages out there. This is very confusing and I doubt seriously I am the first to feel that way. For a moment I did feel slammed bascially for having my feelings, when incidentally my feelings came just as naturally as the opposing views did. Regardless of what is normal, it is a matter of being able to take someone at face value. I saw it as if this is so normal, "looking" at someone wishing you had them but go home to 'old what's his face for example', then how would I have ethically said "Yes we communicate honestly" if I felt repressed to say anything about how I felt?

In other words, I am not some sex nazi, like you said, I have no desire to change anyone, and some on this site have said it would be stupid for a man to tell me such honest notions, but no one I am in a relationship with should have a desire to change me as well. Given that two people can have these dramatic viewpoints that could ultimately ulter the relationship and a compromise has to be reached, some meeting of the minds has to take place that I consider that to be very difficult if someone or both are not willing to change. Otherwise long term resentment will make the decision. Since there is no readily made solution, being honest and accepting each for what they really are at least gives people the right to choose who they are really with. What is likely then to happen is that a person may be inclined to lie about their behavior if not, which is not what makes a relationship, lies. So, by being honest, one is not looking to punish anyone, but seeks the truth so that when they say I love you it won't include "except for" it will mean entirely quirks and all. That to me is integrity, regardless of anyone's views on this topic. It takes real chracter to tell the truth even if the outcome may be undesirable, and it also takes great willpower to be wise enough to never ask questions you can't handle hearing the truth to.

I like to think I have both of these qualities, otherwise I would not have even considered being receptive and posting this question to begin with. This, is my way of researching and comtemplating b/c I care for someone. I thank you for your post b/c even though I need to understand the opposing view, I would like to feel a bit normal and not damaged for what I viewed as my personality. This situation is difficult b/c it's such a gray area given so many variables I have learned no one person could be right, as the relationship itself will determine that.

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amIwrong

Thank you for the site, though I do have all of these qualities. For one, I am not a teen as this site suggests, I am a full grown adult with my unique take on life. Most importantly, I do have all of these qualities. I am not sure if you have been reading all of my posts on this topic, but I am not a nazi. In fact I have said nothing to him even on the topic for the most part b/c I am conducting my own research via this site so that I can be fair. Which I think is reasonable. I do appriciate it though.

Handyman2007

Just answer one question. Have you ever seen a good looking man and just wondered? If you answer no, never, you are not a human being!!!! All kidding aside, men AND women look. It is human nature. If you are with someone that lokks and says nothing about it then let it go but on the other hand if you are with someone that lokks and makes verbal comments, then kick the guy to the curb.

smoothy

Oh trust me seeing a great looking woman and thinking "I wish I could hit that" has nothing to do with intimacy. Its a guy thing....guys can and do have sex every day with women they don't give a rats azz about. Seriously, you have seen these guys before. Most do it because they can. Not just because they want to.

But let me also state that the difference between thinking..."I wish I could hit that" and actually trying to is vast. DO I think that every time I see Eva Longoria or Jessica ALba, or any other number of knockouts... damn right and so will any other guy thats not impotent. But liking something we see and wanting to spend out life with them is not the same.

Now women tend to be wired differently than men so thats why so few of them can understand this. No offense but its just that a guys thought process is not the same as a womans. But it does explain why what a woman might see in a situation is not what a guy sees in the very same situation.


Looking at a woman, and liking what we see does not equal pursuing her.

Keep in mind if a guy choses to be with you and stay faithful to you its because he loves you. If he looks at another woman, likes what he sees it has nothing to do with you. As long as he isn't flirting with her. Looking is one thing (thats just hormones and guy genes)....BUT flirting takes it to a whole different level however and changes everything. You don't flirt with other women when you love the one you are with. That is uncool.

amIwrong

Thanks, it's somewhat comforting, I guess. I mean, I do realize that this is not as simple as man versus women, as some women feel this way as well. I understand that I don't understand but trust what you are saying. Needless to say, for me, or a man/women who feels like me, it's almost like, well, if I were that great your attention wouldn't be else where. Love has nothing to do with it in a way. I mean, for your side of it or mine. In that, I want to think that irregardless of love he would want me over anyone else PHYSICALLY not just b/c we're emotional, even if I am not perfect b/c no one is. That's probably a cocky thing to even assume, but in a way, it's like otherwise wise I feel he's staying with me out of convenience. Other then that once I know a guy is turned on by someone else, it's like, it's worse knowing "he loves me" like he's doing me a favor by not cheating. At that point I would rather him go make himself happy, doing me a favor would otherwise make me feel pathetic. Like "see I love you so much I resist going after someone else" like, yeah, uh, that really makes me want you. If you have to resist it because the desire for someone else is that strong, then I don't want it. All I can do is go on knowing that this makes sense to a lot of people and I hope one day I have a light bulb moment or turn some corner. Otherwise this is all going to be very miserable for me.