I have a problem with men looking at other women while in a relationship, fantasizing about other women, etc. I have made peace with the fact that I have a problem accepting a man who does these things. The problem is, I want him to be honest with me, b/c I feel I have a right to know what I am getting into. I mean, if it’s a deal breaker for me, then petty or not, I should be able to decide that. I want the truth without alienating him. The problem, apparently (no offense to men) is most if not all men do it. So, if it’s a deal breaker for me, I am pretty much screwed. So then, I have to ask myself, how can I get past this? How can I accept this?

Truthfully I can’t. Here is why:

I don’t look or fantasize about other people, when he does it makes me lose respect and my sex appeal toward him diminishes thus our sex life is likely to be worse and so does the overall situation. Nothing is sexier then knowing the person you are with desires you not other people.

I am not single, so why would I shop? If I needed a TV and bought one then I don’t bother shopping for anymore TV’s. To me it’s just a gateway of possibilities.

That is offensive to me b/c that’s like saying that he feels this is the best he can do with his self esteem and is settling but is not satisfied, I feel if he were, then no matter good looking another women is I would have his attention. She would be just another person to him, not an attractive person per se.

I want the truth, but the truth does cause these problems. So, I do alienate him even against my own wishes. If I live in denial and don’t ask I will be way worse off. I would actually be paranoid. It’s a no win situation for me.

I hear men and women say “its normal” yet I don’t do it. They say “unless he acts on it you shouldn’t care” but to me after the offense it’s like you might as well have, in fact I would almost prefer a man to cheat then look as odd as that may sound. It may remind him how foolish he is and he would stop hurting me for his own selfish purposes.

He says if I stared at some guy or was looking it wouldn’t bother him. That pisses me off more. It’s like I am bazaar for not understanding this crude offense.

I am not a prude, I am freaky, but I don’t like to feel badly about myself. In fact, I am more apt to become less sexually open once I feel I am not adequate. I have even tried harder when I think he was into someone else, and it does not stop it, so I have on incentive. If anything, I get angry b/c I feel like I am doing all the trying. After all, if there is something he wants, why shouldn’t he express that himself?

No matter good I look, it won't stop him there is always someone better then me.

It's embarrassing to me. Other women see it and look at me like I have failed somehow. Or even think it's funny at my expense. Some women purposely try to get his attention just to get at me. How am I supposed to deal with that? I ignore them, but become resentful towards him for being so oblivious about it.

Sex and anything related to it is deeply emotional for me, while it may not be for men, how can I even value it or continue to want it with him or any man if my feelings are just easily dismissed like this?


I am aware that I am not the best looking person in the world but I refuse to be second best to someone he does not even lay down with. He says it’s not that big of a deal, and while I don’t want to change him, on principle it pisses me off that something that does not matter does not stop happening. If it weren't that big of a deal, I shouldn't have to ask, he should want to keep from hurting me.

Synnen

Wow....that rant made me feel just....dirty. And for nothing more than being human!

I'm not "visually raping" guys --not even YOU, KP!--when I notice one and have a moment of lust!

I'm not cheating, or lying to my husband about it, either.

And again, there's a HUGE difference between noticing for a moment and daydreaming about someone you saw for the next week. Heck, I couldn't even tell you the last time I saw a guy that I had even a moment's daydream about!

But it DOES happen to most people occasionally.

Frankly, you come across as insecure and judgemental to me. Betcha you feel the same way about masturbation as you do about noticing other people. And frankly, really, you have a holier-than-thou attitude about humans in general for having a weakness that most people have--that of noticing the other people in the world for whom there MIGHT be chemistry ----IF----well, there are too many ifs. If I weren't in a relationship, if I had the time to date even if I weren't in a relationship, if that random guy noticed me as well, if, if, if.

Out of curiosity--do you have the idea that when you are in a relationship you can't touch anyone who is not related to you in more than a casual way? I mean, can you hug or give a quick peck of a kiss to a friend of the opposite sex? Or is that just an opportunity to feel them up and fantasize about someone other than your partner because everyone KNOWS that members of the opposite sex can't be friends unless there is a sexual attraction!

You have issues, honey. The fact that your post was filled with words like perverted, disgusting, human garbage dump, horrifying, etc....sounds like you have some extreme hang ups about sex.

"Most people" are NOT in a "friends with benefits" relationship. "Most people" are in a normal relationship with ONE PERSON and occasionally notice the hot Fed Ex guy and move on with their day. "Most people" don't have to run to the bathroom to masturbate after seeing an attractive member of the opposite sex, and "most people" don't even REMEMBER that person they thought was hot by the time they get home to their partner/spouse.

I said it before and I'll say it again: It's human, and I think there are trust issues and self-esteem issues involved with someone who assumes every person they date is a lecher.

amIwrong

Then I suppose we’re talking about semantics really, your saying noticing, quite simply, looking, not “looking” then is what I assume. What I was meaning to say about why it would bother me to think about “looking” to me meant it takes looking at someone else or a fantasy to keep the passion alive in a relationship.
The only way to survive it is by having some outside stimulus, that thought bothers me.

amIwrong

I am being a devil's advocate for the most part, so please don't think I am freaked out or something, but, is it primal instinct to watch some guy ogle you wife? Like, you have no primal instinct to bounce on him? Or.....instinct when, like a knee jerk reaction, even if you control it, don't show it, but have this instant irritation when she is checking some man out?

amIwrong

My fear is that your right, and that is what I am asking everyone:

• People accept what they can get, based on what they can offer, their own level of self confidence not what they want. Ex. Bald, middle aged man with beer gut lusts 20 year old with big boobs, but goes home to wife and isn’t built like a 17 year old anymore (which is gross if-you’re a middle aged man to be attracted to a kid, but hey that’s just me) b/c he feels it’s the best he can do, besides, she cooks for him and who else would do that…….in his head he’s not good enough, so stick with “what I know I have for sure”, convenience.

• He/she goes home to a warm body, b/c it’ll do as he/she needs affection from somewhere, they have time in together and it’s too time consuming to get used to someone else, besides they have a routine which makes life easier, but the very routine makes life with this women he isn’t as attracted to as much as the 20 year old boring.


The above are my fears, and is why I am asking everyone. I asked my man this question last night. I asked, if I were lined up with a bunch of playmates do you think you would still pick me; he said “if she had your personality I would”. So to me, that makes me the “warm body”. Then he stereotypes super hot chicks as having a bad personality, which they may not, and I have a decent personality so I guess I'm not superhot in his mind b/c superhot cicks dont' have good personalities? What? I am not unattractive, I am not perfect, no one is, but that tells me that he thinks I am the best he can do, not the best there is. That to me is not a turn on. What turns me on is thinking, I am best thing this person could ask for, wants, desires and not the warm body.

amIwrong

responding to "meghanbigworld" not myself

amIwrong

Your saying, this moment or moments of lusts, being the only 1 or 2 valid times in 12 years, not looking at someone, not simply checking them out, or people watching, real lust, chemistry, like you share with your husband, and that your decision not to do it was not simply based on not rattling your comfort zone, but b/c your are satisfied and have already created an established connection but realize that one can be made in another life with this person.

But the desire was rare and completely abstract to the love you have? Not b/c you aren't satisfied, not because you don't get the attention you want, not because you felt the option wasn't available to you if you wanted to act on it? Sometimes I think people feel that if they were to step out it would have to be for a really good reason, almost like, "well, that guy is hot but not hot enough to end my relationship" but that if the person has that level of "hottness" and chemistry they might be willing to risk it, or under certain circumstances, such as, "well, I am not getting any at home and so and so will never find out" and then justify it. I mean, we're going into the area of cheating now so that's abstract to all this I suppose, but your saying, chemistry was what created lust, not attractiveness, not feeling unsatisfied.

kp2171

i dont think you are freaked out... as much as we take different approaches, this thread has leveled out and become a reasonable discussion.

if i notice a man checking out my wife theres a little internal twinge of "mkay buddy, just watch yourself".... i am a hot enough tempered irish guy... i actually consider myself somewhat jealous, but my trust in her is bigger than my jealousy... and i say that having had two other loves cheat on me. it wasnt easy to get to this place, but i can see by many simple actions how grounded she is and how her word really is her intention. were she a different person, maybe i wouldnt be ok with her getting attention.

so... if we are walking through the mall and shes getting simple looks, sometimes ill just count them up and tell her when we hit the store "five"... meaning i caught five guys looking at her with interest... and most of them i just stare down, as they watch her and then look to see if im looking. ok. no big deal. im not going to make my wife go out in a burka, not that i could.

when were are out with friends and some guy is buying her drinks and talking her up, even touching her arm... yes, there is a primal, territorial reflex. but again, im not an ape all the time, so i can check out the situation and if i need to step in, i will. shes always removed herself from a situation that seemed uncomfortable or that was escalating.

and if it got to the point that hes over the line and has ignored warnings... then itll get ugly. i give a lot of room, but when that line is crossed, it would be all out ugly. ill leave the details out, but a coworker of hers last year hit on her hard... basically asked her, after everyone else had left, if she wanted to "go someplace".. this after a tragic day for her pesonally, and her guard was down. i was on the way to pick her up when she gave me the "can you get here sooner than later" call... the guy left just as i got there, and she didnt tell me until he was out of the lot... which was good because i wanted to beat the snot out of him. took all i had not to stop in at his work and push him to the wall. but within a year he was fired for inappropriate things done on the job... his wife was, im sure, less than pleased. so in this case, where a guy not only showed interest, but was pressuring her... id be happy with him as a grease spot on the wall. that anger reflex is probably similar to what you feel if you catch your guy looking at another woman? i just have a greater threshold?

now, if i notice her checking out a guys tush as he passes by, and ive seen her do this, it really doesnt rile me so much. i like the fact shes a sexual being who chooses to be with me, even when there are others around that might pique her interest. she travels overseas and out of town. if i couldnt trust that shell keep control when boys want to buy her drinks, id go mad. that they find her attractive and might look her up and down doesnt bother me for the most part, as long as shes not uncomfortable.

amIwrong

I agree about the burka comment. I mean, Self expression is important, I would be highly upset if someone asked me not to express my self, and I would never do that to someone either. The primal instinct to look for you is more natural and for me the instinct to bounce is more so. I suppose some people have more or less of one or the other and if their lucky their at even. I am not hot tempered, I don't fly off the handle. I don't 'punish' him for it, I don't treat a women different if I know he has looked a her. I feel hurt and to me it was a matter of how much I should express to that person because I would never ask someone to change, so bringing it up is pointless. I mean, I have always been a fan of 'you should love someone as they are' The irony is that if I felt someone I loved was hurt by something I did or was doing I would want to know. So, in this case I think it really is just a matter of what I will/can accept as you said before. You don't think this discussion has been level?

DaBaAd

It is "too much to ask" to get someone else to oblige by YOUR needs and standards. If you could, then you'd have a complete "puppet" on your hands.

Is this what you want?

kp2171

i must have said it wrong. i think it is a good discussion, and one that youve been able to "weather" well... i know there were moments earlier, such as the counseling suggestion, that might have not struck you right... but youve posted a thoughtful discussion that i think has been level headed. early on i wasnt sure it was going to go this way... as some have posted here before and the minute someone disagrees with them, they walk out.

i think we are at the point where you dont feel your character is being attacked, or you are being told that you are broken. and i dont feel like the integrity of my relationship is in question just because my partner or i might look at others. make sense?