I have a problem with men looking at other women while in a relationship, fantasizing about other women, etc. I have made peace with the fact that I have a problem accepting a man who does these things. The problem is, I want him to be honest with me, b/c I feel I have a right to know what I am getting into. I mean, if it’s a deal breaker for me, then petty or not, I should be able to decide that. I want the truth without alienating him. The problem, apparently (no offense to men) is most if not all men do it. So, if it’s a deal breaker for me, I am pretty much screwed. So then, I have to ask myself, how can I get past this? How can I accept this?

Truthfully I can’t. Here is why:

I don’t look or fantasize about other people, when he does it makes me lose respect and my sex appeal toward him diminishes thus our sex life is likely to be worse and so does the overall situation. Nothing is sexier then knowing the person you are with desires you not other people.

I am not single, so why would I shop? If I needed a TV and bought one then I don’t bother shopping for anymore TV’s. To me it’s just a gateway of possibilities.

That is offensive to me b/c that’s like saying that he feels this is the best he can do with his self esteem and is settling but is not satisfied, I feel if he were, then no matter good looking another women is I would have his attention. She would be just another person to him, not an attractive person per se.

I want the truth, but the truth does cause these problems. So, I do alienate him even against my own wishes. If I live in denial and don’t ask I will be way worse off. I would actually be paranoid. It’s a no win situation for me.

I hear men and women say “its normal” yet I don’t do it. They say “unless he acts on it you shouldn’t care” but to me after the offense it’s like you might as well have, in fact I would almost prefer a man to cheat then look as odd as that may sound. It may remind him how foolish he is and he would stop hurting me for his own selfish purposes.

He says if I stared at some guy or was looking it wouldn’t bother him. That pisses me off more. It’s like I am bazaar for not understanding this crude offense.

I am not a prude, I am freaky, but I don’t like to feel badly about myself. In fact, I am more apt to become less sexually open once I feel I am not adequate. I have even tried harder when I think he was into someone else, and it does not stop it, so I have on incentive. If anything, I get angry b/c I feel like I am doing all the trying. After all, if there is something he wants, why shouldn’t he express that himself?

No matter good I look, it won't stop him there is always someone better then me.

It's embarrassing to me. Other women see it and look at me like I have failed somehow. Or even think it's funny at my expense. Some women purposely try to get his attention just to get at me. How am I supposed to deal with that? I ignore them, but become resentful towards him for being so oblivious about it.

Sex and anything related to it is deeply emotional for me, while it may not be for men, how can I even value it or continue to want it with him or any man if my feelings are just easily dismissed like this?


I am aware that I am not the best looking person in the world but I refuse to be second best to someone he does not even lay down with. He says it’s not that big of a deal, and while I don’t want to change him, on principle it pisses me off that something that does not matter does not stop happening. If it weren't that big of a deal, I shouldn't have to ask, he should want to keep from hurting me.

kp2171

ive been there... done the heavy lifting when a previous partner wasnt, so i do empathize. it is no fun at all.

youll still need balance in the end, with both sides taking the weight... but maybe you are right... maybe you arent willing to do the work it takes right now...

if it isnt a good fit, you dont need to force it... even if some of the issues are things we call "no big deal".

you get the respect you demand, and sometimes not even that. so... if he isnt enough of a match that you feel like you are working too hard, or you are too distracted with the anger and frustration, maybe it is time to step back.

Choux

You have come to this relationship with so much unresolved "baggage" that you are unable to have a real relationship with this guy.... you are a controlling person, a very unpleasant quality, not a spontaneous girl enjoying life and men.

Time to go to therapy with a "good" therapist and get all your negative feelings and history out in the open and talk it over. Life is no way perfect, and it never will be!!! We do have to know how to live in an imperfect world, though, with the least amount of suffering.

I think you will surprise yourself at the amount of progress you can make in dealing with this problem.

Good Luck in 2008!

amIwrong

I am very spontaneous actually. Again, I am not a prude, but I can't digest that enjoying men means enjoying his appreciation of someone I look nothing like. I appreciate all your perspectives, but to deny that there is some need to protect what's supposed to be yours in a relationship is a bit like denial. I am not an extremist. I don't cover anyone's eye up. I am simply asking what makes it so simple for some people to not care and for others not so much, not an attack on my character. I have a very hard time believing that everyone on here absolutely adores everything about themself and has no self doubts, that you don't mind it when your mate ogles someone ten times better then you, and that it does anything for your sexuality when they do. Thanks for the well wishes.

Synnen

Actually, I have a LOT of self-doubts. Ask anyone that knows me personally--I put myself down pretty often. I really do NOT see myself as attractive as people say I am.

That being said--I don't care HOW hot she is, I know I am as good as any woman my husband is looking at.

Know how I know that? I completely trust my husband. I *trust* that when he says I'm beautiful, he means that I really am, at least in his eyes. When he says that I'm sexy, and turn him on--I *trust* that he means it. When I see him looking at a woman that has features I don't, if that makes me depressed, I can express that to him, and he tells me all the things that *I* have that *she* doesn't.

I'm not a skinny young 20 year old anymore. I'm 33, I have gray hairs starting, I'm a size 16, I have stretch marks from a previous pregnancy, I'm short--I'll NEVER be a model, in other words. Hell, I can't even dress stylishly, and I refuse to spend more than 5 minutes doing my hair, and makeup confuses me.

So what?

I have a killer smile. I have intelligence and wit, both more valued by men with decent priorities than good looks are. I'm a good friend, and a good listener, and I have a good sense of humor. I'm willing to drop serious grown up stuff like cleaning and balancing the checkbook to have a snowball fight or a pillow fight or neck on the couch or whatever. I'll never look like that skinny little girl in the half shirt and shorter than short shorts at the mall that my husband got caught looking at last week--but his comment about her when I elbowed him was that he was wondering how anyone would want to go to bed with someone that had NO curves.

So...don't assume that guys are looking at other women and lusting after them. And have some faith that the guy you're with is with YOU for a reason, that there's something about YOU that he values more than looks. You have to TRUST and BELIEVE that there is something incredibly *Better* about you that your guy is with YOU, and not one of those women that is, in your words "ten times better".

The fact that you have so little belief in your OWN qualities is what has us concerned about you. The fact that you don't trust that the guy you're with wants to be with YOU.

How do you know he's not looking at her and thinking that YOUR legs are better,or that YOU have prettier eyes, or that while she has big breasts, YOURS are perkier?

The fact that you don't TRUST your man is a HUGE concern. I know for a fact that while my husband may look and wonder what her breasts look like bare for 20 seconds....but then he starts thinking about MY breasts and wants to go home and play.

So does everyone look? I don't know. I know I don't go out looking for guys to ogle, but every now and then there's a guy that I notice, either because he's dressed so well (or so horribly!) or because of the way he carries himself or because he's so tall or because he has great eyes, or whatever. It's like catching a sunset that just holds you frozen for a second, or seeing a rainbow, or whatever. I'd like to think I notice the beauty in people in general.

That doesn't mean I want to sleep with them!

I've been caught looking at 80 year old men, because they hold themselves so well that age seems to disappear. I've stopped and stared at small children because their very innocence seems to glow, and holds my heart. I've noticed breathtaking women in their prime and felt jealousy, yes, but also awe for their smile, their stride, their confidence. ALL people are beautiful. It's just that our society makes it so that it's not "okay" for men to notice that beauty in other men, or in children, without being labelled perverted.

So is it okay to disrespectfully stare? Of course not. But it's not okay for ANY person to do that to any other person. You don't stare at disabled people, or really beautiful people or really ugly people or really short people, or people with 2 heads. It's rude regardless, both to the person you're staring at and any company you're with.

But not noticing what we we find to be beautiful is just silly, whether that's a woman, a man, a waterfall, a snowdrop after a long winter, lights reflected on water, a newborn baby. And noticing beauty has nothing to do with lusting after it.

Fr_Chuck

Ok, I am old, fat, limp, blind in one eye and those are some of my good qualities, but quess what, I am happy with myself, I can look in the mirror and say I love WHO I am, not any one thing about myself but I am happy with the me I am. So I have a wife other men look at, she is 10 years younger, a previous college cheer leader and a professional musican, men turn to look at her walking down the street, and I say hey great,

amIwrong

Thanks Synnen and Fr_chuck that's a really good take on things. I wish I had half the confidence you have, just not there yet. It's not that I don't trust that he wants to be with me, I suppose I feel that some people want all that they can have, but accept what they get. I hate that. I feel like, people aren't satisfied. That they take what the best is of what if offered to them. I suppose what I am talking about is lust versus observing, one can not prove such a thing. I suppose it's the classic fear of the unknown. I will certianly think on your thoughts for a long time, you have been an inspiration. I have a fear of this blind trust thing, and certainly will need to sort through a lot.


WikiAnswers - Is it normal for your mate to look at other women and then deny looking

other takes

amIwrong

You think it's possible maybe it's like making fun of yourself, perhaps she is trying to beat you to it?

smoothy

No, Like Synnen has said, she has self confidence and knows I picked her to be with. She knows who I'm going home with. She also knows I don't flirt with other women as well.

Its not all about physical attributes, but the entire package. My wife knows a lot of outstanding beauties are shallow and more than a bit concieted. Something she knows puts me off.

My wife doesn't have big boobs, she isn't tall, but then again she knows I don't dislike any of those attributes. She also knows some of the women I have previously dated and knows why I picked her over them. And yes some of them had physical features my wife wishes she had, like big boobs. Or more of a pronounced hourglass figure than she has.

I've never made fun of her for being short or having small boobs for example. There is no beating me to the punch because its not something I ever joked about.

But then like I said, she does have pretty decent self esteme and knows she can point out an outstanding woman or woman with outstanding features and know I'm not going to sneak off and hit up on that woman.

Its that part that I think is the key to it all. My wife knows me.....and trusts me.

amIwrong

Certainly you know her best. I was looking at it from the perspective that if I pointed out something like that to someone, it would be because I don't have those attributes, and feel very badly about it and pointing it out would be my way of being able to give something I can't give. It's sad actually. I mean, I doubt seriously a guy would say "Honey, check out the pecs on that one" you know?

I mean, what your saying is specific to your relationship so I may not understand it, just inquiring so that I could. I am saying, I have known people to do it for that reason. Much like when a person is insecure about something like being overweight, they will often times make fun of it before someone else will because it gives them a sense of control in the situation. I took it like that, "Hey honey check her out" to be something like 'I don't look anything like her and I don't want him to make me feel bad by doing a 180 so if I point it out it's like he's looking b/c I asked him to" having a sense of control over the situation. I always say things like "she's hot" and he goes on his peaceful way, deep down inside I hate it, the whole situation, but if I complain well, it won't resolve anything. it does make me feel like my feelings don't matter though and that builds resentment.

Everyone keeps bringing up trust and that's not it, I don't have trust issues. I trust that he likes to be comfortable, I trust that it is human nature to stick with what your comfortable with. I trust all of you will go home to the same person every nite, but it does not mean you wouldn't want some one on one time if you could with someone else. FR-Chuck post "To be honest at a concert last night, there was a girl in shorts so short I saw less of my first wife until we were married. I may look, even a slight day dream but that is it."

People might like steak but they may feel they can only afford a burger. In other words, just because he brings themself "home to me every nite" is not much of an honor if they are doing it b/c they aren't confident enough to have a steak, per se. I once asked a boyfriend who was gawking at a chic casually why he didn't pursue someone like that if that was what he was into, he had said "because no women who looks like that would want me" that told me that I wasn't as great as they were to him, but that he was comfortable with someone "at my level". So, when everyone points out *trust* I am sure in some cases that is very true, and in others it more about the mate's level of confidence for why they choose to be with their mate, not that they don't wish for more. This is the distinction I am sorting out right now. But having all this discussion is helping me sort through all that.

Synnen

Would I love to spend one night with Sean Connery or Johnny Depp or John Cusack? Sure--but as well as being eye-candy, those men seem like they'd be incredibly interesting to TALK to.

Look, I don't know your age, but that might be a big part of it. I seem to remember going through some of the feelings you are when I was in my early 20s--wondering why a guy would choose ME, when he could have HER---or wondering if a guy was just settling with me because he didn't think he COULD get her.

It really is self-confidence. It's knowing that I'm a worthwhile human being, a good woman, and that even though I'm married, I've had guys tell me "If you weren't married, you would be PERFECT for me".

YOU have to believe it though. This is my concern for you--not that you have trust issues with men, but that you have trust issues with YOURSELF. You don't believe in yourself, you dont' think you're attractive or "as good as" other women.

Baloney.

From the conversation we've been having, you're intelligent, thoughtful, and nice. I have no idea what you look like, but I don't really care. If we were having this conversation in person, I would probably have a pretty good time with you over coffee, which could easily develop into a friendship.

The only thing is--I don't let my friends put themselves down. If they don't have the confidence to believe I want to hang out with them because I like them, and constantly doubt my affection---well, I get frustrated with that pretty fast, and then I don't want to hang out with them as much, because I end up being their therapist and not their friend.

Honey--you NEED to have confidence in yourself. You need to TRULY believe that you're worth having, and that any man with a brain would want to hang out with you. YOU need to believe it.

Until you believe in yourself, you're always going to doubt your partner.