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    Whistila2010's Avatar
    Whistila2010 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 7, 2010, 08:16 AM
    Losing sexual arousal
    I'm 18 years old. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We don't have sexual intercourse because I don't want to get pregnant. We do other things instead. I used to have a lot of sexual drive, but now it seems that I don't. If he stops for too long, I'll stop wanting to do anything and I feel bad because sometimes it leaves him with blue balls. What do I do?
    fisk's Avatar
    fisk Posts: 147, Reputation: 5
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    #2

    Aug 7, 2010, 08:37 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Whistila2010 View Post
    I'm 18 years old. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We don't have sexual intercourse because I don't want to get pregnant.
    You do know that there are contraceptive methods available right? Condom, the pill, many methods that you can use-combined if you're too scared, so that you can have sexual intercourse without you getting pregnant(though no method is 100 percent effective). I'm not trying to push you to do it of course. It's your choice.
    As far as not wanting it as much as before, maybe you're not getting enough pleasure out of it, or it's always the same thing, and you're bored? Just a guess...
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #3

    Aug 7, 2010, 10:42 AM
    How old is your boyfriend?

    The first thoughts would be spice things up or pleasure him first.

    However, I suspect there is more going on than you getting bored that easily. How are other parts of your relationship? Are you as into the relationship in general as you used to be? Is this a symptom of a larger problem?

    Stress, hormones, etc. also play a big part in limiting libido. Are you tired and/or stressed about anything outside the relationship like school or work?



    Allie602's Avatar
    Allie602 Posts: 62, Reputation: 18
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    #4

    Aug 7, 2010, 12:42 PM

    Could the problem be that you are nervous about taking the step to have intercourse? That is not so unusual it's a big step in a relationship. Think about it and if that's your concern, your boyfriend may be the best person to help you work it out so talk to him. He seems like a good person by what you said- he is sticking by you and not pressuring you. I'll bet talking to him honestly will help you both. If there is anything else in the relationship that concerns you, talk about that too. .
    Why not explore birth control options, you don't have to decide to take them but you will be aware of the number of options available and the effectiveness of BC. It may relieve your anxiety about the possibility of pregnancy.
    Whistila2010's Avatar
    Whistila2010 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Aug 9, 2010, 06:00 AM

    To fisk: It is possible that I am getting bored. Any suggestions to spice things up? And yes I do know about contraceptive methods. I'd feel most comfortable with more than just a condom. Some kind of pill would be a good idea, but I don't know of any doctors that would give me a safe one, nor how much that would cost, considering I am a college student with no job and I will be in a city I'm not familiar with yet.

    To Cat1864: My boyfriend is the same age I am. He is very sexually oriented. Sometimes I feel that our sexual stuff is more prevalent to our relationship than our emotional stuff. He says that the sexual stuff is emotional, which I can't completely argue with. Maybe I don't feel as close to him as I used to. A big stress factor at this point is college. He is going to a school an hour away from the school I'm going to and I'm extremely worried about the separation. I have talked to him about this. It makes him nervous to talk about it because it makes him think that I don't have enough faith in our relationship.

    To Allie602: It is true that I am nervous about taking that step. My boyfriend is a great person. He is willing to wait until I'm ready. I am nervous about talking to him because it does upset him a little. I will try to talk to him though. As for exploring birth control, I have no problem doing that. I have no idea where to look though. Any suggestions?
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #6

    Aug 9, 2010, 07:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Whistila2010 View Post
    To fisk: It is possible that I am getting bored. Any suggestions to spice things up? And yes I do know about contraceptive methods. I'd feel most comfortable with more than just a condom. Some kind of pill would be a good idea, but I don't know of any doctors that would give me a safe one, nor how much that would cost, considering I am a college student with no job and I will be in a city I'm not familiar with yet.
    Unless you're in a very religiously oriented city it should be a matter of visiting a walk in doctors office or a family planning clinic to get Birth Control. Most doctors are okay with prescribing it.

    Most universities, at least where I am, have a healthcare plan of some variety and they usually cover oral contraceptives. Regardless they are about 15-20$ a pack. The cost of three to four beers at a bar. They're affordable if you want to get them.

    Condoms work well. Condoms and the pill work better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Whistila2010 View Post
    To Cat1864: My boyfriend is the same age I am. He is very sexually oriented. Sometimes I feel that our sexual stuff is more prevalent to our relationship than our emotional stuff. He says that the sexual stuff is emotional, which I can't completely argue with. Maybe I don't feel as close to him as I used to. A big stress factor at this point is college. He is going to a school an hour away from the school I'm going to and I'm extremely worried about the separation. I have talked to him about this. It makes him nervous to talk about it because it makes him think that I don't have enough faith in our relationship.
    Distance is a hard thing to deal with in a relationship. I have seen distance relationships work but I have seen more of them fail. Him being dismissive of your concerns is a wee bit worrisome. College is also a hard and stressful time. I know that from experience. During my degree it was hard to think of anything other then the courses I was taking. Libido will diminish, but sex is only part of the relationship.

    I think this requires a bit more conversation. Don't be afraid to disagree with him.


    Quote Originally Posted by Whistila2010 View Post
    To Allie602: It is true that I am nervous about taking that step. My boyfriend is a great person. He is willing to wait until I'm ready. I am nervous about talking to him because it does upset him a little. I will try to talk to him though. As for exploring birth control, I have no problem doing that. I have no idea where to look though. Any suggestions?
    If you can't talk about sex, than you shouldn't be having it.

    Finding out information is easy: Birth control or Oral contraceptives. The internet has a wealth of knowledge. It is also a excellent opportunity to practise the critical thinking skills you're going to need for your diploma/degree.

    Good luck.

    (Just a note: web cams and vibrators are fun for both sides. You don't need to show the pink, but the suggestion of what you're doing... it is a fun way to be sexual at a distance.)
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #7

    Aug 9, 2010, 07:59 AM
    Most counties in the USA have birth control information and low cost doctor's visits and contraceptives available through their Health Departments.

    You need to be able to communicate with him about your concerns and he should be able to do the same. Even an hour away can be seen as a long distance relationship especially for 'broke' college students. LDRs (long distance relationships) depend on communications and understanding to keep them viable.

    Yes, 'sex' has an emotional component for many couples. However, sexual acts should not take the place of spending time getting to know each other and enjoying each other's company. Getting off should not be the only reason to go out on a date. Affection and love can be shown in many satisfying ways. A strong relationship needs to employ most of them to keep a balance between pure emotion and pure physical.
    Allie602's Avatar
    Allie602 Posts: 62, Reputation: 18
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    #8

    Aug 13, 2010, 02:15 AM

    W - you mentioned he gets upset, what makes you think he gets upset? Could you ask him if he gets upset and if so share with you why.
    Truly he sounds like a good man but he may be confused if you are not discussing all of the issues with him. The initial effort is the hardest then it goes better from there. You may start and stop a few times but that's not a failure it's a start, getting yourself there slowly. But talk to him you must - if you can't talk to this caring man who will you talk to?
    I have a suggestion, why not write out here what you would say to him just to try it out and get some good advice.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
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    #9

    Aug 13, 2010, 05:41 AM

    THe Blue balls excuse (its total BullSh*t) guys give is a ploy to shame women into putting out. He will get frustrated but a simple trip to spank the monkey which he WILL do on his own anyway in that case totally vents that frustration.

    Do keep in mind and know that unless you are very careful, you can still get pregnant "Doing other things". Anything that can transport a microscopt sperm from him to you vagina can result in a pregnancy. Mr. Happy doesn't have to make a depoit in person. True the odds are not great, but they exist just the same. And that's not to consider the fact he may not be as innocent as he claims... again, guys can say whatever they believe will work to get in your pants. You have to know and consider any option that will prevent YOU from getting an STD if he might have one, even if he is unaware of even having one.
    Whistila2010's Avatar
    Whistila2010 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Aug 13, 2010, 11:23 AM

    To CravenMorhead: I agree with your concerns about not being able to talk about school. We did end up talking about it and I feel a lot better. My school does have a health care plan but my parents want to keep me on theirs. Do you know if I went to see a doctor or got pills if they would get some sort of notification? I did end up looking up some stuff about birth control. Thank you for the links. I just need to find somewhere that will keep it private. Thanks also for the tip about the webcams. We will probably try that!

    To Cat1864: I agree with you as well. Thank you for the advice. I will try to be more open and understanding, especially while we are away from each other. Is it weird to feel that sexual acts are not that emotional? I feel the same way about the pure emotional vs pure physical relationships. He doesn't seem to understand that there is much of a difference. He will still stop when I ask him to but I feel bad for asking him to.

    To Allie602: He gets upset because he thinks it's a reflection of how he is in bed. He wants me to be ready and he doesn't want to wait but he will because I want to. I think any man would be upset if a girl said "Baby, sometimes I get turned off in the middle of having sex (or whatever) and I don't know why." It's not exactly a compliment. He has mentioned that I haven't been as turned on in a while, so he has noticed. That is what prompted me to ask this question in the first place. I'm not sure how to say that without being harsh and having huge repercussions because of it, especially since I'm leaving in less than a week.

    To smoothy: So, boys never have blue balls? I've never asked him not to masturbate. It's his body and he can do what he wants with it. He says that he doesn't but I concede that I have no proof of that. I do know that I can get pregnant without having vaginal intercourse. We try to be as careful as we can. I don't believe that he is just trying to "get in my pants." We've been dating for a year and a 7 months now and we've never had sex before. Although he doesn't like waiting, he does without bothering me about it or trying to pressure me into changing my mind. If he were waiting for me to give in, I think he would have given up by now. He does say that he is a virgin, which I believe. Even if he isn't, we will use a condom when we have sex. I haven't had problems before so I have no reason to believe that he has a disease nor has he had much time to get one before we've were together.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
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    #11

    Aug 13, 2010, 12:04 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Whistila2010 View Post
    To smoothy: So, boys never have blue balls? I've never asked him not to masturbate. It's his body and he can do what he wants with it. He says that he doesn't but I concede that I have no proof of that. I do know that I can get pregnant without having vaginal intercourse. We try to be as careful as we can. I don't believe that he is just trying to "get in my pants." We've been dating for a year and a 7 months now and we've never had sex before. Although he doesn't like waiting, he does without bothering me about it or trying to pressure me into changing my mind. If he were waiting for me to give in, I think he would have given up by now. He does say that he is a virgin, which I believe. Even if he isn't, we will use a condom when we have sex. I haven't had problems before so I have no reason to believe that he has a disease nor has he had much time to get one before we've were together.
    "Blue Balls" is something that guys have used as an excuse to try to get a girl to give them sex for far more years than I have been alive. Its total B.S. Its more a mental thing that anything physical, and nothing that he can't relieve on his own some time later. And trust me... he IS trying to get into your pants. The ONLY possible way he isn't is if he was truly medically impotient. That actually has nothing to do with if he truly likes you or not. For a guy sex can be completely detached from any relationship, in fact he doesn't even have to know you or talk to you to want to do it. I have no reason to doubt he cares about you so don't worry about that. Just don't be fooled into thinking he doesn't want in your pants. The fact you are doing ANYTHING remotely sexual tells me that's what he is doing. The slow and steady approach, when you can't get it all right away yo get what you are able to and as she gains comfort with that you step it up a knotch... eventually you both end up doing the nasty together in most cases. If he is above the age of 18 statistics argue the likelihood he is a virgin are unlikely... in fact the older anyone gets the likely hood decreases significantly.

    But real virgin or not... few really care a great deal. HPV is epidemic especially among the young... 1 in 4 people are reported to have herpes... and then you have the other things that people most commonly associate with STD's. Many have no outward symptoms, and in fact some people can be carriers without showing typical symptoms themselves.

    From my perspective... you really can't assume anything until you have been in a truly exclusive relationship for 5-10 years... and not just casually dating, I mean married or living together where you know where the other is practically at all times well beond the incubation time of any possible disease.

    He's probibly clean... but assumptions are what get people into trouble most often.

    I like the old Ronald Regan quote... in a universal sense. "Trust but verify."




    #1 don't worry about him with blue balls... all that really is is frustration he thought he was going to get something and didn't (as in getting off with you)... its mostly mental and spanking the monkey when he gets time takes care of the physical aspect... as far as your losing interest... for women sex is a totally mental thing... lose your train of thought etc.(actually almost anything)... and its over like that. Same thing with you getting off, very mental, far less physical than it is with a guy where its mostly physical. Men and women are almost polar opposites at that point. It is possible you aren't entirely comfortible doing what you are together. It is possible other things you are not happy with are effecting your desire, and that's excluding anything hormonal. Women are complicated things... guys are the other hand can be pathetically predictible in that area.

    DO what you want ONLY when you are ready, don't let anyone pressure you into anything. If you remotely feel like you are being pushed it can trigger this sort of reaction, you can even be make to feel like its your fault if the guy is a skilled manipulator. I don't think this is the case here, but I know its true in many other cases.

    And last but not least... you may be progressing beyond the initial physical lust stage and getting into the real relationship phase...
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #12

    Aug 13, 2010, 12:37 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Whistila2010 View Post
    To CravenMorhead: I agree with your concerns about not being able to talk about school. We did end up talking about it and I feel a lot better. My school does have a health care plan but my parents want to keep me on theirs. Do you know if I went to see a doctor or got pills if they would get some sort of notification? I did end up looking up some stuff about birth control. Thank you for the links. I just need to find somewhere that will keep it private. Thanks also for the tip about the webcams. We will probably try that!
    You will need to have your parents do the claim for you so they would know about it. I get the feeling that you don't want your parents to know that you're having sex. Why is that? Is it embarrassment or is it due to cultural concerns? If it is just embarrassment then you might need to swallow your pride and tell them that you need birth control.

    There are several reasons that one would need to go on birth control that don't involve sex. For example acne control, period flow control, or migraine control. Hormones have a large effect on your system and can affect many different parts. This is essentially lying to your parents. I don't condone that, but it that is what you need to do than do it.

    Birth control, regardless of the variety, tends to be quite inexpensive. I consider $20-30 a month to be inexpensive. Being a former student I also realize that this is can be a large amount of money. It might also be worth it to share the cost with your boyfriend as well.

    Since you're over 18, your doctor has no right nor cause to tell anyone what drugs you're taking. You're an adult now, scary isn't it? This affords you the right to tell people as much or as little as you want. Your doctor isn't allowed to tell anyone anything. I think it takes a warrant from a judge or your consent to open up your medical files. So there is NO chance that your parents will see anything in there.

    If you're not going to be taking birth control, I wouldn't have sex. It isn't safe. It isn't perfect either. There are people on here who used birth control as it was intended and still got pregnant. This is a risk you take because nothing is perfect.

    As for webcams. I had great fun with them :-D.

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