I'm not writing this as a what should I do I'm writing this as a What in th World.I don't have anyone to talk to this about but I need to get it off my chest.
When I first saw her I was like why does that boy look like a girl? Upon closer examination I found that she was a girl that looks like a boy. Don't get me wrong because she is very very cute in the face to me. Her name is Joy. She looks like this girl I used to date in my early 20's named Danielle. To give you an idea, Danielle is now modeling for several urban wear companies in various urban/black magazines. Joy is not as good looking as Danielle but is not far behind at all. If you saw them together you would think they were sisters or sister and brother depending on your view. Joy is what we call "soft stud" not "butch"as her mannerisms are feminine but she dresses just like a boy.
Joy is petite, maybe size 2 and has small boobs. She wears a sports bra which flattens out her already small boobs. Besides having huge nipples when they are hard, you can barely tell she has breast . She has upper neck length dreads(beginner dreads) that are a little shorter than my dreads. If she was a girly girl I would have thought she was fine. Even though I found her attractive I wasn't attracted to her. Attractive and attracted are 2 different catergories in my mind.
I can be attracted to a girl that I don't find attractive, I can find a girl attractive and not be attracted to her and I can be attracted and find her attractive.
Like beyounce, I find her attractive but I'm not attracted to her. I don't find lucy liu attractive but I'm atracted to her but I find avril lavigne attractive and I'm attracted to her.
Back to joy. That first time I saw her was at work. She was a new employee and that was about 9 months ago. At first we would have little conversations because we worked together. She's smart and funny and reminds me of Lexis a girl who was a best friend in the high school days. They have very similar personalities.
After a month or so I had to know if she was gay for sure. She never came out and said she's gay but I did catch her checking out a couple of chicks. I know a lot of "girls from the hood" that appear "soft stud" but their heterosexual not bi or lesbian. They just like to wear boys clothes. In fact my sister is that way and she is married with 3 kids. She has punched a few femme chicks when they tried to hit on her.
So one day while we were sitting in the breakroom I asked her if she liked boys or girls? She asked me why am I asking like I was interested or something. I said with you it is a legitiment question. She answered " i like women" with a smile and a what do you think about that look on her face! Being a social genious I turned the conversation back to normal and we didn't visit it again that day. And like I said I was not interested anyway. I just like to know as much as possible about the people I'm interacting with. I'm very inquisitive but I like to be timely with my questions and that was the right time.
As time progressed we were becoming friends. Its not unusual for me to become friends more than associates with coworkes because I'm a very social person. I get invited to barbecues parties and all kinds of social events. Some invites are sexual in nature because some girls think I am flirting when I'm just being me. A misconception that is easily made because of my personality.
One day Joy didn't come to work. On the following day I asked her why . She said she could have made it to work but with the Sunday bus schedule she would have been unable to get home.
Her and her live in girlfriend had broken up and the ex did not feel responsible for giving her a ride to and from work even though they still live together. I told her if she ever needed a ride home to text me and let me know and I will give her a ride. I also gave her my number. She would need a ride once or twice a month on sundays and that was cool. I had given rides to many coworkers male and female.
On day I sent her a text by accident thinking she was someone else whose number I had not added to my contacts. Their numbers are very similar. But that day is when it all started.we began to text back and forth on a regular basis.normal conversation stuff, nothing too deep. She's funny and social and so am I. when we work together we would joke around and it felt like she was just another one of the guys.
On day it was a bit strange. She seemed a little too excited to see me. I thought maybe I was reading into it too much but than she started textin me way into the night. Even my wife(yes I'm married) thought it was weird. My wife does not fear me cheating on her because she knows I'm a faithful man. Believe me she knows my faithfulness has been strongly tested and she is not worried at all worried about a gay girl that's looks like a boy. But Joys reaction to seeing me was starting to be over excited almost every time she saw me for the first time in a day. It is very similar to the reaction I get from my wife and kids when I come home from work. In my head I'm like WUT IN THE WORLD! But on the outside I'm keeping cool.
She is a very intelligent girl even though she tries to mask it. So I thought she may be doing it on purpose to see how I would react. If I would give into any impulses like asking if she like me or try touching her or something. Most guys would think she was playing games but if you know women like I know women most of them don't play games.they just want to see how you react to what they do. Don't get me wrong some of them play games. But this was different. Its just the way she reacted when she saw me. WHAT IN THE WORLD! Is this how she reacted to all here friends? I wouldn't known because I have never hung out with her outside of work and giving her a ride home.
Than one day out of nowhere she started giving me THAT LOOK. You know the one you girls give when your fond of him. The one that makes him say to himself " i can get that!" WHAT IN THE WORLD! As time passes we are getting closer as friends. I never addressed the over excitement and THE LOOK with her. I just asked her questions about her sexuality. When did you start liking girls? Have you ever liked boys? And stuff like that. She said she experimented with boys but was all about girls and gay by 16. WHAT IN THE WORLD! When she looks at me now I feel all weird. Its like she's holding back something or not being completely honest.
Then one day my coworkers were making fun of me saying she wanted to be my boyfriend and that I should sleep with her to turn her straight. WHAT IN THE WORLD! They noticed how she acted when I came around too so its not just me. WHAT IN THE WORLD! One day my manager came up to us while we were talking and said there is no fraternizing in the company. WHAT IN THE WORLD! We both just laughed it off and said we're just friends and kept it moving, my manager had a "yeah right" look on his face as he walked away.
I was just like WHAT IN THE WORLD until one day I noticed I liked her. I don't know when it started but I suddenly realized I was attracted to her. WHAT IN THE WORLD! I like girly girls! Short skirts and high hills! Bare midriffs and cleavage! Booty shorts and flip flops! And a punk rock chick here and there. This was kind of obscene to me, a WHAT IN THE WORLD moment. Its not that I want to get with her, like I said I'm faithful. I don't react to my feelings so its not hard for me to be around girls that I am attracted to or like. But for some reason I want to ask her if she's attracted to me but I don't want to ask in case I'm wrong because I don't want to cause a rift. I like being friends with her a lot! So I'm like WUT IN THE WORLD do you think. Please reply

This is a Q and A site. Not a blog - and you took over 1,500 words to describe this situation. You also need to get it "off your chest," and that's not what AMHD is about.

Anyway - if you are married and faithful and don't cheat why does it matter if this person is attracted to you?

And why is the heading "I'm in love with a lesbian"?

You like being friends with her. Keep it on that level. You are a self-proclaimed "social genius." You should be able to figure this out.

Was that your question?

I don't know how I got through your blog and all of the WHATINTHEWORLD expressions.

It left me scratching my head in wonderment that you are actually spending time thinking this through, and her. I think you had better drop it because she is having a wonderful time playing cat and mouse with you and the sad part is you have no clue at all WHATINTHEWORLD!