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    Bonita--'s Avatar
    Bonita-- Posts: 301, Reputation: 17
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    #1

    Jan 7, 2009, 09:22 PM
    If I stop using my vibrator will it make me orgasm more easily?
    I wanted to know if using a vibrator can make it harder for me to orgasm from oral sex? I bought my first vibrator about 2.5 years ago because my ex-boyfriend didn't bother to try and satisfy me, so it was all I did in order to orgasm for two years straight. When I started becoming sexually active with my current boyfriend he did a lot to pleasure me, he would spend literally hours just focusing on me, but I would never have an orgasm from the things he did. I always enjoyed it and felt like I wanted to have an orgasm, but I needed more to make it happen. I finally realized that it might be because of my vibrator, so I stopped using it. Since then I have been able to orgasm once from oral sex, but it took awhile to get me there, and I stopped using it for about one month now. I would like to know if I continue to not use my vibrator will my clitoris become more sensitive again and will it be easier to have orgasms?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Jan 7, 2009, 09:25 PM

    That like masturbation for men can get you used to or almost needed specific stimuation and make it harder to get your result. This appears obvious since by stopping it is now easier.

    Toys like all things have a place in moderation, mixed in with partner and so on.
    MrEasy's Avatar
    MrEasy Posts: 112, Reputation: 17
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    #3

    Jan 8, 2009, 07:03 AM
    Using a vibrator will desensitize your clitoris. If you stop and think about it, a vibrator is pounding your clitoris hundreds of times per minute and this continual pounding can deaden the sensitive nerve endings. I would suggest seeing a doctor who specializes in bio-identical hormones and have your hormones tested. Often a low dose of testosterone can give a woman that burn that creates the sensitivity necessary for orgasm. If you don't know of such a doctor, contact drug stores who do custom compounding and ask them which doctors they compound hormones for.
    Hope this helps.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #4

    Jan 8, 2009, 10:10 AM
    Short answer is if keeping it in the drawer helps you, id keep it in the drawer more than not.

    I agree with some of what has been said.

    I believe self stim can be a very useful tool for understanding what you need and respond to best. I also believe that its possible to "train" yourself to anticipate a pattern of stimulation that brings you to orgasm, and in some cases this might limit your ability to release mentally, then physically, when the stimulation you receive isn't "on cue".

    I'm the easiest lay I've ever had. I can guarantee myself an orgasm with self stim. But that doesn't mean I can't hit it faster and more powerfully with other stim. Sometimes it's a case of failure begets failure, and success begets success. Meaning maybe a "win" with him can get you to mentally believe it can and will happen.

    So... its great he seems willing to spend time on you. How do you find middle ground now? Losing the mental block (frustration from not hitting orgasm) is key, but like I said... sometimes its hard to release this until you actually get a win or two.

    Have you tried different positions and/or self stimulation during sex? Self stim during intercourse can be one of the most important things you can do, and my experience is a woman who might experience pleasure but not orgasm with sex might be able to hit orgasm more consistently with either self stim during sex or having your parter stim you likewise.

    One lover could hit orgasm pretty much all the time, but she needed wet finger stim at the clitoris. Now... she was unique in that she could take rather strong stimulation, so it was easier for me to be on top, kneeling, and using my fingers for clitoral stim, allowing her to simply lay back and release.

    The next lover couldn't stand such direct pleasure, but could reach orgasm if she was able to self stim during intercourse.

    We all get desensitized to some degree and in different ways. Just the sight of a bra strap used to make me rock hard when I was 16. Sure, a peek of lingerie can still arouse me, but some of the mystery is gone... and your biggest errogenous zone is your mind and your ability to mentally release, be lost in the moment.

    The question is are you less sensitized due to self stim, or are you letting letting sexual tension build by not self stimulating? Is your drive strong and/or how does it compare to your partners?

    Also, spending a lot of time on you isn't necessarily the right thing if what he is doing is "wrong" for you. I can honesty say if I did only what I liked and wanted, foreplay wouldn't do a lot for my lover. The time I spend on her is about building sensual tension, but not through "standard" kissing, necking, etc. just 20 mintues of sensual touch (skin on skin, teasing, light massage) can be enough time for my lover to reach a heightened state of sensitivity... then, with oral, more patience is needed.

    If I go right at the clitoris, it is useless. Too much, too soon.

    Likewise, you need to try to direct him. When my lover said "lick here" I took notice and she responded very well. As I've said many times before, by the times I'm at the clitoris she should be pulling me to it... and even then, much can go wrong. Like a said, a previous lover Needed a strong "thrashing", but most others have preferred a lighter touch.

    The point about hormone levels isn't something to ignore, especially long term and if your drive is low.

    So... might take time for you to find what works for you. My lover never, ever gets off on bottom, missionary. It feels good, but simply doesn't get her there. Not with me, not with others, not with self stim... tho' I suspect she could with a clitoral vibe. She responds much better to side positions and others where she has the option of self stim, and also responds well to woman on top. But... unless she can mentally be primed and properly sensitized... well, I could do "all the right things" and not get her there.
    chrissymarie's Avatar
    chrissymarie Posts: 563, Reputation: 53
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    #5

    Jan 8, 2009, 03:20 PM

    I have been in the same situation and yes not using your vibrator will help you become more sensitive so that you can orgasm more easily.

    Vibrations and the suttle movements men can make are no comparison to each other, they are entirely different. Not that this is a bad thing but your clitoris needs time to regain its sensitivity.

    So basically I'm saying lay off the vibrator for a while and focus on your partner if you'd like to achieve and orgasm with him
    Bonita--'s Avatar
    Bonita-- Posts: 301, Reputation: 17
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    #6

    Jan 9, 2009, 03:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by kp2171 View Post
    short answer is if keeping it in the drawer helps you, id keep it in the drawer more than not.

    i agree with some of what has been said.

    i believe self stim can be a very useful tool for understanding what you need and respond to best. i also believe that its possible to "train" yourself to anticipate a pattern of stimulation that brings you to orgasm, and in some cases this might limit your ability to release mentally, then physically, when the stimulation you receive isnt "on cue".

    im the easiest lay ive ever had. i can guarantee myself an orgasm with self stim. but that doesnt mean i can't hit it faster and more powerfully with other stim. sometimes its a case of failure begets failure, and success begets success. meaning maybe a "win" with him can get you to mentally believe it can and will happen.

    so... its great he seems willing to spend time on you. how do you find middle ground now? losing the mental block (frustration from not hitting orgasm) is key, but like i said... sometimes its hard to release this until you actually get a win or two.

    have you tried different positions and/or self stimulation during sex? self stim during intercourse can be one of the most important things you can do, and my experience is a woman who might experience pleasure but not orgasm with sex might be able to hit orgasm more consistently with either self stim during sex or having your parter stim you likewise.

    one lover could hit orgasm pretty much all the time, but she needed wet finger stim at the clitoris. now... she was unique in that she could take rather strong stimulation, so it was easier for me to be on top, kneeling, and using my fingers for clitoral stim, allowing her to simply lay back and release.

    the next lover couldnt stand such direct pleasure, but could reach orgasm if she was able to self stim during intercourse.

    we all get desensitized to some degree and in different ways. just the sight of a bra strap used to make me rock hard when i was 16. sure, a peek of lingerie can still arouse me, but some of the mystery is gone... and your biggest errogenous zone is your mind and your ability to mentally release, be lost in the moment.

    the question is are you less sensitized due to self stim, or are you letting letting sexual tension build by not self stimulating? is your drive strong and/or how does it compare to your partners?

    also, spending a lot of time on you isnt necessarily the right thing if what he is doing is "wrong" for you. i can honesty say if i did only what i liked and wanted, foreplay wouldnt do a lot for my lover. the time i spend on her is about building sensual tension, but not through "standard" kissing, necking, etc. just 20 mintues of sensual touch (skin on skin, teasing, light massage) can be enough time for my lover to reach a heightened state of sensitivity... then, with oral, more patience is needed.

    if i go right at the clitoris, it is useless. too much, too soon.

    likewise, you need to try to direct him. when my lover said "lick here" i took notice and she responded very well. as ive said many times before, by the times im at the clitoris she should be pulling me to it... and even then, much can go wrong. like a said, a previous lover Needed a strong "thrashing", but most others have preferred a lighter touch.

    the point about hormone levels isnt something to ignore, especially long term and if your drive is low.

    so... might take time for you to find what works for you. my lover never, ever gets off on bottom, missionary. it feels good, but simply doesnt get her there. not with me, not with others, not with self stim... tho' i suspect she could with a clitoral vibe. she responds much better to side positions and others where she has the option of self stim, and also responds well to woman on top. but... unless she can mentally be primed and properly sensitized... well, i could do "all the right things" and not get her there.
    I agree. I think the fact that I'm having trouble orgasming is causing a lot of frustration, and making it even harder on myself to have one. Since I stopped using the vibrator I was able to orgasm once from oral sex and once from self stimulation. It's hard because I want to orgasm obvously but I don't want to turn to my vibrator so pretty much every time after sex I'm left unsatisfied. My boyfriend doesn't last very long when it comes to sex, so he tries to make me orgasm after but I can't because I'm so used to the vibrator. Pretty much every time after sex I'm left unsatisfied because I couldn't orgasm and it frustrates me. I think I'm so eager to orgasm that I lose focus and I end up losing the orgasm.

    I've taught him everything that I like sexually and he's become very good at pleasuring me. I taught him not to go directly to my clitoris because if he does then you're right it's pretty much useless. I always enjoy it but when I get to the point that I want to orgasm I can't because I need more feeling then what he can give me with his tongue or fingers. I have a high sex drive and so does my boyfriend, so I don't think there's any problem with me I'm almost 100% positive it's because of the vibrator. I was using it up to three times a day for a period of two years, so I guess I pretty much desensitized my clitoris for now lol. I guess the only thing left to do is to be patient and work on it, and not to give in to my vibrator.
    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #7

    Jan 9, 2009, 03:37 PM

    It may be that you have become too accustomed to reaching orgasm a certain way and you do need to sort of retrain your body.

    It almost sounds like you have an issue with letting go,the clue being *I almost got there*.

    I read an interesting article about this subject ,the link is below.

    Women fall into 'trance' during orgasm - Times Online
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #8

    Jan 9, 2009, 04:04 PM
    Is the problem that he reaches orgasm too fast (what I think is happening) or that he loses his erection/goes soft too soon?

    Is he willing to use a condom to perhaps decrease sensitivity?

    Are you willing to take a dominant position, such as on top, to have better control?

    I have a decent sex life with my partner. We don't hit each others buttons perfectly all the time. My drive is higher than hers. I'm more responsive than her. I can mentally get into a zone faster and more often than her.

    That said, I went through a frustrating time several years back, including a about of ugly depression. Sex drive hit the rocks. Ability to reach the big O was really, really diminished. And even when things started turning around, until I had a few "wins" in bed, it was always something hanging over the bedroom... until I could believe it would happen easily, it didn't happen often. And I'm a guy.

    So maybe it's a little of both. Some desensitization from being a "problem solver" and some mental block from past frustration.

    Is he receptive when you are most turned on? I ask because that's another area that I struggled with and never thought about for far too long. My mate is a "morning girl"... loves sex in the early AM. I am absolutely a night owl... best way to end the day is naked, with your lover, and a pair of orgasms... will sleep like a baby.

    So... another issue I've had to deal with is understanding late at night, she's just too mentally exhausted... too physically over sensitized. As much as its my absolute "prime time", its really, at best, going through the motions for her.

    So... are you engaged when you are most ready? Relaxed? Comfortable? Do you have real private space? Is it comfortable?

    Issues with drive and sexual response can be tied to one big thing, or it can be the summation of many smaller things... sometimes a little stress, a little winter funk, a little frustration in the bedroom, too little exercise, etc. can add up to a big mental and physical block. Or he could be completely clueless.

    Young men with ED issues, for ex, often respond very well to two things: regular exercise and some sort of therapy. Meaning you might try moving your body (builds self confidence and primes your body) and continue to seek answers... don't just accept it and internalize it. Talk to him, talk to others, read books about sex, etc.

    Which brings me to another point... one of the best ways I think a couple can connect about sex is through reading. Not the Cosmo survey of the month, but about sex or sensual touch.

    When my lover shared her book of sensual touch (kind of a massage book) with pages marked, I devoured it and took notice. When she found ian kerner's She Comes First, and within two minutes of reading it exclaimed "this guy knows how to go down on a woman" you'd better well be sure I took notice.

    Books are a way to share and talk about sex without it being "you know you do this wrong"... after looking at her dogeared pages in She Comes First and her marked paragraphs, we talked about it, and tried a few new things... and some of it worked wonders.

    Just something to consider. Some might not want to read about sex. And some books are icky. I liked kerners books because they addressed some physical issues that just aren't commonly known, and it was presented in a way that wasn't porn on paper.

    No book I've read has been the Gospel of Great Sex... each has good points and each has failings... but something to consider.

    I don't know for certain if having a stack of sex books in a drawer in the bedroom makes our sex live fundamentally better... but id guess it does, and certainly doesn't hurt.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #9

    Jan 10, 2009, 07:42 AM
    "everyone is different,,you give information like everyone should be you"
    Hmm... well, I certainly draw from and use personal experience to connect when I can... but if I thought all other experiences were like mine I wouldn't ask so many questions to try to clarify the situation... I think I asked no less than 6-7 different questions throughout the posts. I gave explanations for the questions in some cases, drawing on my experience, but they really weren't meant to be rhetorical.

    Anyway, my experience is exactly what you said... in the earlier post I mentioned the extreme difference between one lover and the next concerning direct clitoral stim. What worked perfectly for the first would be completely wrong for the next.

    There is no singular recipe that satisfies all.

    No universal step 1, step 2, step 3... even though there are common themes...

    Its why it drives me nuts when people say "more foreplay" when a woman is having difficulty hitting orgasm. Really? What the hell does that mean? Foreplay for one person is the same for the next? And is more really always better? etc... again, personal experience here, but 10-20 minutes of "proper" sensitization on my lover is better than an hour of misdirected wandering.

    Even with good sex books you have to take bits and pieces and find what works for you and for your lover.

    So I've no intention to herd others to fit into my experiences... but I will offer personal references where they seem to fit. Thanks for the feedback. Always good to know how the noise I speak is heard on the backside.

    ** by the way interesting link artlady... I worked in radiology years ago and the vision of someone getting a PET scan while being manually stimulated to orgasm was an odd mental picture... not exactly lavender candles burning while naked on the 700 fill down comforter **
    Choux's Avatar
    Choux Posts: 3,047, Reputation: 376
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    #10

    Jan 10, 2009, 09:33 PM

    B, Ideally, you have used a vibrator to teach you what an orgasm feels like and to accustome your neural pathways to react with an orgasm when you are very turned on.

    Then, you have to work on transferring the orgasmic response to sex with a trusted partner who *really turns you on*. :D Too many females just arent' really passionate about their sex partner... that makes the whole situation *work*... sex is pleasure. Passion needed.

    Vibrators are also good for times when you just need a quick orgasm or multiple orgasms for pleasure or tension reduction.

    Think passion... sex isn't supposed to be work.

    Very best wishes, :)
    Bonita--'s Avatar
    Bonita-- Posts: 301, Reputation: 17
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    #11

    Jan 12, 2009, 02:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by kp2171 View Post
    is the problem that he reaches orgasm too fast (what i think is happening) or that he loses his erection/goes soft too soon?

    is he willing to use a condom to perhaps decrease sensitivity?

    are you willing to take a dominant position, such as on top, to have better control?

    i have a decent sex life with my partner. we dont hit each others buttons perfectly all the time. my drive is higher than hers. im more responsive than her. i can mentally get into a zone faster and more often than her.

    that said, i went through a frustrating time several years back, including a bout of ugly depression. sex drive hit the rocks. ability to reach the big O was really, really diminished. and even when things started turning around, until i had a few "wins" in bed, it was always something hanging over the bedroom... until i could believe it would happen easily, it didnt happen often. and im a guy.

    so maybe its a little of both. some desensitization from being a "problem solver" and some mental block from past frustration.

    is he receptive when you are most turned on? i ask because thats another area that i struggled with and never thought about for far too long. my mate is a "morning girl"... loves sex in the early AM. i am absolutely a night owl... best way to end the day is naked, with your lover, and a pair of orgasms... will sleep like a baby.

    so... another issue ive had to deal with is understanding late at night, shes just too mentally exhausted.... too physically over sensitized. as much as its my absolute "prime time", its really, at best, going through the motions for her.

    so... are you engaged when you are most ready? relaxed? comfortable? do you have real private space? is it comfortable?

    issues with drive and sexual response can be tied to one big thing, or it can be the summation of many smaller things... sometimes a little stress, a little winter funk, a little frustration in the bedroom, too little exercise, etc. can add up to a big mental and physical block. or he could be completely clueless.

    young men with ED issues, for ex, often respond very well to two things: regular exercise and some sort of therapy. meaning you might try moving your body (builds self confidence and primes your body) and continue to seek answers... dont just accept it and internalize it. talk to him, talk to others, read books about sex, etc.

    which brings me to another point... one of the best ways i think a couple can connect about sex is through reading. not the Cosmo survey of the month, but about sex or sensual touch.

    when my lover shared her book of sensual touch (kind of a massage book) with pages marked, i devoured it and took notice. when she found ian kerner's She Comes First, and within two minutes of reading it exclaimed "this guy knows how to go down on a woman" youd better well be sure i took notice.

    books are a way to share and talk about sex without it being "you know you do this wrong"... after looking at her dogeared pages in She Comes First and her marked paragraphs, we talked about it, and tried a few new things... and some of it worked wonders.

    just something to consider. some might not want to read about sex. and some books are icky. i liked kerners books because they addressed some physical issues that just arent commonly known, and it was presented in a way that wasnt porn on paper.

    no book ive read has been the Gospel of Great Sex... each has good points and each has failings... but something to consider.

    i dont know for certain if having a stack of sex books in a drawer in the bedroom makes our sex live fundamentally better... but id guess it does, and certainly doesnt hurt.
    He goes soft about five minutes into the sex and about 99% of the time he remains soft. He says it's because he's worrying about whether I enjoy it or not. To be honest I very rarely enjoy sex, but that's another problem I guess. I don't tell him that I don't enjoy it, but I think he knows. I want sex, but the sex is very rarely pleasurable for me. When I go ontop it works if I'm into it, but I'm not always into it because I don't feel much. We've tried pretty much everything to fix this problem, but nothing works so I just learned to get used to it. He tries very hard to make me feel good in other ways, but because I'm having trouble learning how to orgasm without using my vibrator it gets really frustrating for me because I barely feel the sex and then I can't orgasm from anything else.

    He's receptive when I'm turned on. Anytime, any place I want it he'll give it to me. I'm usually not comfortable when we have sex though. We have sex in his house when everyone is sleeping. We can't make a lot of noise, I can't moan loud, his house is FREEZING so I'm always cold, he has a 5 year old niece who wakes up almost every night and scares me to death because I think it's his parents coming, and that usually kills my mood completely. There's a lot killing the mood when we have sex, but we are both 19 and we both live at home so the only place and time we can have sex is his house in the late hours of the night.

    I like the idea of reading about sex. I always read about sex online, and I'm always sending my boyfriend links telling him to read. I read everyday, he reads sometimes. It does help a lot though.
    Bonita--'s Avatar
    Bonita-- Posts: 301, Reputation: 17
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    #12

    Jan 12, 2009, 02:51 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Choux View Post
    B, Ideally, you have used a vibrator to teach you what an orgasm feels like and to accustome your neural pathways to react with an orgasm when you are very turned on.

    Then, you have to work on transferring the orgasmic response to sex with a trusted partner who *really turns you on*. :D Too many females just arent' really passionate about their sex partner.....that makes the whole situation *work*.....sex is pleasure. Passion needed.

    Vibrators are also good for times when you just need a quick orgasm or multiple orgasms for pleasure or tension reduction.

    Think passion....sex isn't supposed to be work.

    Very best wishes, :)
    Well I used to orgasm very easily from self stimulation or from oral sex, but because my ex-boyfriend never even tried to pleasure me I turned to a vibrator, and now I wish I never did that. I agree though that passion is needed. I think I've lost a lot of passion for my boyfriend for a lot of other reasons, and that could be another factor contributing to my problem. Thank you for your advice.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #13

    Jan 12, 2009, 04:23 PM
    There are a lot of barriers in your way... so its understandable.

    I love my child, but there's nothing like a child in the house to take the edge off sex. I SWEAR... my five year old has slept through his alarm at two in the morning when he has set the damn thing to go off for no good reason... but at 6:45 AM... if I get remotely near my wife, he "hears" my &*ck get hard and wakes up.

    Daddy's little c*&k blocker.

    Its kind of funny... but not. Had my wife within no less than 2 minutes of an orgasm this morning and wouldn't you know it... "thump... step step step step"... the boy is in the room. Crapola.

    A freezing cold room isn't the way to go. Yes, it can be nice for sleeping, but if I want my lover relaxed... I need the room to be inviting, clean, and warm.

    Sure... there are times, usually in the early AM, that oral on her demands she is naked, except for the toasty socks... warm socks can be a lifesaver... but you are talking about being mentally unsettled, and that certainly is a big part of the problem.

    When I married my love, she was a single mother of a 12 year old. Her bedroom was almost over her daughters. You can imagine how it felt being in that bed...

    It wasn't any fault of the daughter... not one bit... but it was a real mental block. Until we switched rooms... putting the daughter above us and moving us into the bedroom below, there was always some anxiety about having sex...

    And sometimes all it takes is two or three mental blocks to make "nothing" into "a problem"...

    One thing we did, when it just seemed like we NEVER had a chance to be spontaneous, to relax, is we planned on having a date night out once a quarter... OUT meaning all night, childcare arranged. It didn't matter if we were three hours away or ten minutes away. The first night we did this we were no more than 15 away, in the same town.

    A waste of money? Hardly.

    We rented a room. Reconnected. Took time for each other, while knowing we could change directions in a moment if there was a problem at home. It's a lovely thing to do... and I think most couples with a child at home should try to do this at least every 3-4 months...

    It might not sound like much.. but its been a great tool for my relationship.

    Now... in your case, things are different, but not.

    You don't have a curious son scampering down the hall, but you also don't have privacy... and the ability to mentally relax and release is often key. I can do all the "Right Things" my lover needs and wants to hit orgasm... but if she is mentally distracted... forget it. It's a losing battle.

    So I think your lack of private space is really a big part of this. If I had a gun to my head and I was told "get your woman off or else" I would make sure the following happened...

    We would have private, secure time together that couldn't be interrupted. We could focus on each other and the sensations we were experiencing without distractions.

    She would be physically and mentally relaxed, most likely with a hot bath/shower first, perhaps followed by a period of sensual touch/massage.

    The room we would be in would be kept, clean, and inviting. This means warm enough to be naked without wrapping up in layers of blankets.

    This is NOT how sex happens in my life all the time. Its just not realistic. But it maybe gives you some perspective about what can help and what is hurting your situation.

    Your ability to lose yourself in the moment is severely compromised. Its no surprise that you've had struggles in the bedroom.
    Bonita--'s Avatar
    Bonita-- Posts: 301, Reputation: 17
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    #14

    Jan 13, 2009, 02:56 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by kp2171 View Post
    there are a lot of barriers in your way... so its understandable.

    i love my child, but theres nothing like a child in the house to take the edge off of sex. i SWEAR... my five year old has slept through his alarm at two in the morning when he has set the damn thing to go off for no good reason... but at 6:45 AM... if i get remotely near my wife, he "hears" my &*ck get hard and wakes up.

    daddy's little c*&k blocker.

    its kinda funny... but not. had my wife within no less than 2 minutes of an orgasm this morning and wouldnt you know it... "thump... step step step step"... the boy is in the room. crapola.

    a freezing cold room isnt the way to go. yes, it can be nice for sleeping, but if i want my lover relaxed... i need the room to be inviting, clean, and warm.

    sure... there are times, usually in the early AM, that oral on her demands she is naked, except for the toasty socks... warm socks can be a lifesaver... but you are talking about being mentally unsettled, and that certainly is a big part of the problem.

    when i married my love, she was a single mother of a 12 year old. her bedroom was almost over her daughters. you can imagine how it felt being in that bed...

    it wasnt any fault of the daughter... not one bit... but it was a real mental block. until we switched rooms... putting the daughter above us and moving us into the bedroom below, there was always some anxiety about having sex...

    and sometimes all it takes is two or three mental blocks to make "nothing" into "a problem"...

    one thing we did, when it just seemed like we NEVER had a chance to be spontaneous, to relax, is we planned on having a date night out once a quarter... OUT meaning all night, childcare arranged. it didnt matter if we were three hours away or ten minutes away. the first night we did this we were no more than 15 away, in the same town.

    a waste of money? hardly.

    we rented a room. reconnected. took time for each other, while knowing we could change directions in a moment if there was a problem at home. its a lovely thing to do... and i think most couples with a child at home should try to do this at least every 3-4 months...

    it might not sound like much.. but its been a great tool for my relationship.

    now... in your case, things are different, but not.

    you dont have a curious son scampering down the hall, but you also dont have privacy... and the ability to mentally relax and release is often key. i can do all the "Right Things" my lover needs and wants to hit orgasm... but if she is mentally distracted... forget it. its a losing battle.

    so i think your lack of private space is really a big part of this. if i had a gun to my head and i was told "get your woman off or else" i would make sure the following happened...

    we would have private, secure time together that couldnt be interrupted. we could focus on each other and the sensations we were experiencing without distractions.

    she would be physically and mentally relaxed, most likely with a hot bath/shower first, perhaps followed by a period of sensual touch/massage.

    the room we would be in would be kept, clean, and inviting. this means warm enough to be naked without wrapping up in layers of blankets.

    this is NOT how sex happens in my life all the time. its just not realistic. but it maybe gives you some perspective about what can help and what is hurting your situation.

    your ability to lose yourself in the moment is severely compromised. its no surprise that youve had struggles in the bedroom.

    Lol, I know what that's like, and it sucks.

    You're right though, when I really think about it there's just too much going on that's getting in the way. I guess I just have to get used to it for now because there's not much else we can do. Renting a hotel room is a good idea, and since Valentines Day isn't too far away I guess that's when we'll get our chance. Another thing that I think is making this a lot worse is the fact that my boyfriend has trouble staying hard. It really effects the way I feel when he goes soft and it usually turns me off. So yea I guess I have two choices, either get used to it or start using my vibrator again lol even though I REALLY don't want to..

    Thanks though, you have been very helpful.

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