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I have been married for a year and the problem is that I think my husband doesn't love me. The only time when he kisses me or hugs me is when he wants to have sex. To make it worse, when we have sex it is all about him, receiving massages, oral sex and having his orgasm and it is never my turn!!! The very few times when he gives me oral sex he is very rough and hurts me, I feel like he does it to get himself aroused and not to please me, anyway he never does it for enough time for me to because it's his turn. A few times I have tried to make him touch me once he has finished but I end up even more frustrated because he begins to touch me and then falls sleep or starts to watch TV and gets distracted. I think he is not even attracted to me because he can't stand to have sex with the lights on.
What can I do, I am desperate, I have talked to him about it and he changed but it lasted for about two weeks. I think he just doesn't care about me.
guess what!! I talked to him , I told him that he never cares if I got any pleasure...and he just got mad and went to sleep!!!!!
next morning he tries to have sex like nothing happened!!!! I am really pissed so I donīt let him................ I WANT TO TALK!!!!! but he gets mad at me again and wont talk....after a while he says that he doesnīt want me to get mad and that we both should get pleasure....
Anyway a decide to forget about the subject because the next two times we did it he made sure I came.... but that was it!!! we have had sex two more times and again he just does his stuff and kisses me good night
I know that sometimes you just want a quickie but I am afraid that we are back on the beginning!!! I have talked to him four times already along our relationship about this I really donīt know what to do !!!
I donīt want to leave him because we are married and I want to make it work but I wonīt keep begging him to do anything and besides is not a great turn on to know he is doing it because I begged!!.
The only solution I can think of is forgetting about pleasure for me and stop worrying about his as well. He can forget about me making ANY EFFORT to please him in any way, and if he still wants sex I will let him but do it but I wont even move!!! and I will be watching tv!!!lets see how he likes that....
i really do thinlk he cares about you as his wife etc. but that is SOME selfish behavior.... i really hope for his sake and yours that he reacts if you don't move and watch tv. I mean seriously, isn't sex about more than the orgasm? isn't it about closeness and touching, being touched (in a relationship\marriage that is)
Based on his behavior with his clothes on, it sounds like he does love you but he has a default sexual mentality that isn't working for you, which is to get his & get done. You've tried talking to him which has gotten you better sex, but he doesn't seem to understand that it's not an isolated problem but an ongoing issue. The fact that he has changed his techniques to make it more satisfying for you shows that he's at least capable of doing that, so you've at least got that to work with.
One part of the problem is that you are expecting him to change a habit overnite, & that rarely if ever happens. You know how he likes to have sex with you so it's not surprising that's the way he is likely to do it even after you've talked to him about it. When his brain is engaged in sex, it's not saying "Remember she told me she needs ____ to be satisfied", instead it's saying "I want to NOW!".
One way to compromise might be to let him do it his way at least once a week & your way at least once a week. For your day, pick one that he doesn't have to go to work the next day so sleeping late is possible. Once he sees the benefits of your being happy & satisfied sexually, hopefully some of those new habits will have a chance to spill over on his day as well. But don't make it "you're doing it ALL wrong" thing, just lovingly point out to him that you love to enjoy him fully & as a woman your body simply isn't designed to be the quick sort of sexual mechanism his is.
Marriage is all about finding fun ways to both get as much satisfaction & happiness from each other as possible, treat it that way & the rewards are amazing, in & out of bed, naked or not. Learning & adapting to what pleases the other sexually is an important part of that. It does sound like he cares immensely about you, he just has bad habits sexually that will erode your marriage if not appropriately dealt with. That won't change overnite, but if you both agree that making love is as important as having sex together & taking the needed steps to get both in a healthy balance, the marriage will be stronger for it & both of you will get a happier sex life as a result.
Maybe you can discuss the best way for you to signal him what you need so it's not as disruptive as you making him feel he's sexually inadequate while playing together, like with the use of a code word or phrase that lets him know he needs to slow down for example? Try to figure out a gentle way to remind him of what you need while having sex together so it's a good experience for both, it could be by a certain touch or saying something like "More play please!" or touching his wedding ring with a smile as you look into his eyes, as long as you both know what it means you can come up with a way to let him know he's rushing you without spoiling the mood.
Given what you say is his treatment of you as a whole, I'd say he just gets into you physically & is just too caught up in the moment to regulate himself very well, but that can be changed with some patience & willingness on both your parts to make it a more satisfying experience for both of you. And it might also help if you ask him what he likes & dislikes sexually so it's a discussion where both of you can talk about what you want / need, instead of it feeling like it's just a what's wrong with the way he is sexually type thing.
I know that this is an old post, but I was searching for answers to my own problem, and decided to reply to this one.
My husband is very much the same: he treats me good outside of the bedroom, but once we get in the bed, he is very selfish. I have tried to talk to him about it, and he gets angry (I think this is because he is embarrassed that he is not pleasing me, therefore he "doesn't want to" please me). I have been troubled with this for quite some time, and have thought of many different ways to approach him about it, but I always refrain and I continue to be dissatisfied after intercourse.
I did, though, ask someone what to do, and she told me to stop doing what he wants me to do, and maybe he will get the picture. I'm sorry, but that is very hard to do when someone as persistent as my husband is lying right next to you. And really, I hate to fight, and cause problems, so I usually just give in...and every time afterwards I cry or get mad about it. I really have no idea what to do about it, because I can't go through my whole marriage masturbating to give myself the big "O", when my husband is lying next to me, and I know that if he tried, he would do just fine getting me off.
It's very frustrating when you love someone so much, but can't seem to fix the problem between you too. I'm at my wits end.
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