Is my husband some kind of sexual deviant, or is this normal behavior for all men?
I‘m already dealing with a narcissist husband, but now I‘m really getting concerned about whether his behavior is "normal" male behavior or if there is something really wrong with him mentally. Here are the things I‘m concerned with:
He seems to have an obsession women wearing leather high heel boots. He seems to spend every minute he can "sneaking" onto the internet to watch porn, almost always involving women in thigh high boots & leather and dressed like dominatrix‘s. He gets on Craigslist and searches out people selling thigh high boots and asks them for photos. He‘s texted photos back and forth of boots with other people.
When we were still dating, (before I knew about all this) he bought me a pair of boots. I wasn‘t into that kind of thing, but I wore them anyway. All the sudden, everytime I did, he was so "lovey dovey" and almost worshipped me for days afterwards. I kind of liked the attention and it didn‘t seem all that bad at first, even though what I really wanted was romantic, sweet, loving sex. After we got married and I moved in, that‘s when I started finding out that this wasn‘t just a funny little thing he seemed to like.
Things got weird. I let him take a few photos, not naked, but not the kind of thing you don't want anyone else to see. I made him promise that he would never show anyone else. A year later, I walked into my office where he‘d been using the computer. He forgot to sign-out of his Flickr account and what did I see? A photo of me that he said he‘d never show anyone, with all kinds of sick comments from other men. According to all the comments, apparently my husband has some secret desire to watch me with another man, yet he is the most jealous person I have ever met. I did some searching on the computer and found that he‘d been exchanging all the photos of me with several other people over Yahoo messenger. When I told him I saw the photos on Flickr, he promised to delete them and acted like he did nothing wrong. They‘re still there and just recently I found out that my photo is posted in RateMyWifey.com too. (Some sick site where men share photos of their wives for other men to comment on)
He also wanted me to wear one of the boots & leather outfits in public. I did it once, before we were married, I thought it was more of a joke than anything. But he was obsessed with me doing it again and kept bringing it up for a couple years afterwards. He doesn‘t anymore, but I‘ve since told him that I want NOTHING to do with any of that. It creeps me out after everything I‘ve seen.
I‘ve caught him on collarme.com, a BDSM dating type of website. He said he was just "screwing around" on there one day and he doesn‘t go there anymore. I know for a fact that he still has an active profile and he's on it several times a month. He‘s tried to meet with women on there. As far as I can tell, the worse he‘s done is had a girl dress in boots in a public place and then gone to just to see her but never talked to her. He‘s offered to buy them boots though. I don't know if he actually has.
I caught him calling sex chat lines. He said he only called a few times and it was just ‘funny‘. I see the bill, it was more than a few times. For years now, I‘ve seen all kinds of weird numbers on our bill from his phone. Whenever I Google the numbers, they‘re linked to either Craigslist listings for boots, or for shoe repair shops, or for online retailers of thigh high boots. I think this is more than a sick obsession. I have no desire to have sex with him anymore. From what a friend of his said, this is the same scenario that happened with his ex-wife. He got weird, she no longer wanted sex. He left her. Now he‘s complaining all the time that we don‘t have sex very often. How can I??? I‘ve tried to explain this to him, that it‘s just weird and creeps me out and his narcissistic side comes out and he tries to make it like I‘m the weird one, with no labido, or that I don‘t love him (I should feel sorry for him), etc. I know we need counseling of some sort, but he is a classic narcissist, "nothing is ever his fault" so I don‘t see it doing any good. I am kind of stuck here, I can‘t afford to divorce him, I can‘t afford to raise my daughter on my own. I try to keep things as normal as possible for her sake. Am I in danger here? Or just stuck in crappy situation? Would it be this way with ANY man? This just doesn't seem right. Especially that he doesn't seem to care that he keeps getting caught.
Well the way I see it is. Your his wife. If you don't like his fetish' that badly you need to find a way out.
OR, you can compromise... Be his fetish doll because you love each other in exchange for him to quit all the sneaky stuff like dating sites and flickr pics etc..
The way I see it is... If my "wife" had a fetish she shared online/over the phone because I wanted nothing to do with it, I'd rather deal with it for her in order to satisfy her ya know? Make sense?
Sorry really tired today or I'd put in more thought.
No, not all men are like this. I think it is a little strange to say the least. I would not put up with any of that behavior...especially the other women.
not all guys have that. Nothing wrong with most fetishes, many women have certain ones too, no that is not one of mine. BUT what I do take exception to is what he did with photos that were supposed to be kept private. THAT was totally wrong for him to make them public without your specific approval. Thats a violation of your trust, and wrong in any circumstance.
Nothihng wrong with him viewing fetish porn... BUT again..he crossed over the line with the dating sites and direct interaction with other women even if there was no sexual contact involved. Particularly since he did so without you expressed approval.
I believe as long as a third person isn't involved (as in participating) its ok to indulge in ones personal fetishes...without approval of anyone...but if other real people becomne involved and interaction occurs...THEN the partner should have a right to say yes or no.
Thanks for the input guys. I really appreciate it. I can see your side Troy. In the beginning I did play along with all that because he liked it and I admit, it was fun a few times. But after I started finding out about the web sites and what he'd done with my photos, I felt kind of used. I felt like I wasn't special to him.
We got into it last night again. I brought up the photo on Flckr as well as the fact that I knew he'd been sharing my photo through Yahoo messenger. He apologized and said it was stupid, but it doesn't mean much to me because I know he won't take the photos down from the sites and I'm sure he still uses the Yahoo messenger every time I'm not around.
He asked why I wasn't attracted to him anymore. I explained to him that I am attracted to him, but it's hard to trust someone when they tell you they would leave you if they could afford to and then weeks later you find out they're on collarme.com looking for your replacement. He said he wasn't looking for my replacement. I asked him "What were you doing on there then?" He never would give me an answer. He tried to turn it around on me by saying "well how do I know what you're up to?" and then he said he reads through my emails and there were a few questionable things that he didn't bring up. Yeah right. IF he HAD found something, I'd hear about it right away. But I have absolutely nothing to hide. The only men that ever email me are either my customers, suppliers, or my dad, and nobody I do business with has ever expressed any interest in me. He was trying to change the subject.
You both make good points. I should be his (one and ONLY) leather girl. Your responses gave me an idea. Perhaps if I ask him to stop all the other crap, the phone calls, the web sites and destroying every single one of my photos, then maybe I can handle it again. I really don't want to get divorced and I miss the feeling of being loved. I can live without it, but who wants to do that? Life is too short.
I don't how well it will work, because i do strongly feel that he can't control his behavior. He knows that I know about the phone calls, but he hasn't ever stopped. It's narcissistic personality. Just like last night, when he never did tell me what he does on collarme.com, or that he'd stop. He acts as if he's done nothing wrong. But it's worth a try. That way I will be putting HIM in control of how things go. (He tried to tell me that I control him with sex, or lack of, and I hold the keys to everything) Funny. I've never felt more out of control.
Thanks again!
A suggestion...even call it a compromise... You'll wear the leathers and boots only on the days you meet with a counselor. He gets his fantasy leather girl, and more importantly the therapy he needs for losing sight of the marriage boundaries, and you may get your husband back. Is it worth a shot?
There are a number of issues here and neither of them are to do with the leather boots fetish.
The first is, the betrayal of confidence. I would be furious if my husband secretly put sexually explicit photos of me on the internet or emailed them to other men for comments. Yuck. Are you able to move past this? Do you feel you can trust him?
The second issue is your relationship. Do you love him enough to make compromises around his narcissism and try to heal or stabilize the connection between you? Things can never be 'real' with a narcissist, so as you say, he may never stop the behavior as he feels 'entitled' or justified to continue acting in this way.
The fetish is actually not the problem - many people have odd sexual fetishes, but they weave them into their daily lives and achieve a degree of 'normalness'. It is the deception, lying, blaming you and self justification that are the problems in your circumstances.
I suspect he is unlikely to change - I hope I'm wrong. You probably need to be thinking about whether you want to stay in the relationship and whether counselling will achieve what you want. Perhaps you need to go to counselling on your own so that you can make a decision about what you want to do, and if you stay how you deal with his deceit.
You know that is REALLY ironic. I was looking at boots online and sent my boyfriend a link to a pair that I really liked, that were knee high and high heeled. He then said he hated shoes like that because of the way some men view women wearing them.
He has a fetish. No he was not right to send pictures of you onto the WWW. dressup for him occasionally ONLY if the photos get removed-you could even demand this of your slave-boy as part of his "discipline" as miss dominatrix (or whoever), that way there may be some resolution for you and some communication channel opened between him and you for hopefully a resolution to your issue with him.
I'd still demand a total removal of all reference to you via photos on the web-or that's a deal breaker.
Normal, what is normal, he is what he is, some men like this, others that.
The issue is really that you two are not talking about the issues and dealing with them.
You are not there to change his desires and wants, but these are weeded out in dating, if you enjoy them and want to be with him, that is decided at dating, not way into a relationship
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